Brooke hesitantly made her way to the front door. Someone had been knocking for the last ten minutes and they made no sign of stopping. Usually whoever came over these days came over when Lucas was home, the awkwardness of her disappearance was still affecting her relationship with the rest of everyone in Tree Hill.

She opened the door to find a red eyed Rachel staring at her.

"Hey Slut," Rachel said in a rush before grabbing Brooke tightly.

Brooke was taken aback by both Rachel's presence and her sudden move; Rachel had never been one to initiate personal contact, choosing instead witty retorts as her preferred method of displaying concern.

"Thank god you're safe Rachel."

"I think that's what I'm supposed to say to you…"

Brooke quickly broke the embrace and took a step back. Rachel knew about the attack. She could hear it in her voice.

"What do you mean?"

Rachel shook her head, "It's a long story…aren't you going to invite me into your new home?"

She sighed and opened the door further and allowed Rachel to enter. They settled on Lucas's couch and an awkward silence filled the room. Finally she spoke.

"Are you clean?" She was blunt with Rachel. She refused to compromise her safety. The tiny steps she had taken towards living a normal life.

"Yeah…for nearly three months now…"

Brooke let out a deep sigh, thankful that Rachel had managed to straighten up.

Rachel cleared her throat, "You're mother came to see me. She found me in New York, in the trashy apartment I was living in with other druggies. She thought you were there. I asked her why and when she wouldn't tell me what happened…I hit her," she gave a nervous laugh, and Brooke usually would have laughed as well but laughing seemed like a foreign concept at that moment, "After that she finally admitted that you had been attacked and you had disappeared…" she paused again, the tears that were welling in her eyes now fell freely down her face, "Brooke, I felt so bad. I was so afraid for you. Some of my dealers knew about your store and if this was my fault I could never forgive myself…I just…I don't know if there's anyway you can forgive me…"

Brooke pulled Rachel into a hug; this wasn't anyone else's burden to bear, "It's not your fault. I swear this didn't happen because of you."

"But Brooke how do you know. There was no police report and no one was caught. How do you know some scumbag I know wasn't to blame?"

She quivered, the air in her lungs felt stale and she felt lightheaded, "I know it's not your fault because Victoria admitted she did it…"

Rachel's arms fell loosely to her side and she looked Brooke in the eyes trying to figure out what it all meant, "Victoria?"

Brooke nodded, her body felt so tense suddenly. She had not admitted who had been behind the attack to anyone. Thus far everyone else assumed it was a random act of violence, of outrage that had no ties specifically to her life. Maybe if they knew that they would understand why her life had really shattered after the attack. How her trust in a just world disappeared when Victoria looked her daughter in the eye and admitted she felt nothing for her. That she was only ever a means to an end.

She felt torn discussing it with Rachel. To a degree everything that had happened with Rachel reiterated everything Victoria had said about her. That she was useful to them as long as she had something to provide. But at the root of it all, Victoria's control over Brooke's life had ruined her friendship with Rachel long before Rachel stole her money and ran out of Tree Hill. She had betrayed Rachel's friendship and trust the night she fired her on Victoria's instruction.

For so long she had desired Victoria's approval and in the end she never gained it. Instead she lost everything in her pursuit of it.

"Brooke, what happened?"

Brooke looked to Rachel contemplating what she could say.

"I haven't told anyone…"

"Yeah, well I'm not everyone…"

And it was true. The title of best friend always went to Peyton and Haley but Rachel stood in her own category of friendship. Her friendship with Rachel was antagonistic at times and more often than not they were fighting or calling each other names but Rachel understood her better than everyone else at times. Rachel was outside watching in. Rachel saw the pain those that claimed to love her caused her and how often and easily she was forced to move on from that pain. Brooke Davis was a trooper. But Rachel also saw the girl who broke down behind closed doors.

"Victoria paid someone to attack me at the store and steal my designs," she cleared her throat finding it hard to continue though Rachel's hand on her own gave her some strength, "She knew I'd never go public because of the company. I confronted her and she said some horrible things…and I just snapped. I gave her the company and I disappeared…"

Rachel squeezed Brooke's hand in a small gesture of comfort.

"Brooke, it was Victoria. You know everything she says is a manipulative lie."

"The thing is, it was true," Brooke avoided Rachel's eyes, "Or at least partly true. I see my life one way and she sees it another. And everything she said to me made me wonder if maybe I had been fooling myself…that maybe the way Victoria saw things was the way the world saw them…"

"What did she say?"

Brooke shook her head. She didn't dare repeat what Victoria had said. Instead she buried them deep within herself. She was playing a twisted game with her emotions. She allowed herself to feel them in a moment of weakness, when everything seemed so lost. Like with Lucas at the beach. Or the other night in the kitchen with him. Moments when she was so far gone she needed someone to bring her back before she did something irrational. It was probably unhealthy but she feared she may never recover if she admitted all the pain that swirled within her.

What would they say in their defense if she acknowledged the version of the truth Victoria laid out? She wouldn't allow herself to wander down that path because there was nothing left if Victoria had been right.

"How did you know where I was?"

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "After Victoria came and found me I checked into rehab. All I could think was I have to find you and make sure you were okay. Unfortunately when you're a former druggie that's broke and with no place to live it's kind of hard to do anything so I started working and saving up money to hire a P.I. Eventually I did and he had Victoria's phones tapped. He recorded a conversation with her lawyer about you and I knew you were in Tree Hill. When there was a sold sign in front of your house I knew you'd be here."

Brooke smiled Rachel's resolve, even with everything against her she had managed to make it back to Tree Hill. She had missed her presence in the last few weeks. She never had to worry about things being too bleak with Rachel. She and Rachel had enough broken dreams between them to learn that silver linings didn't always exist.

"Thanks for coming back Rachel."

"Always slut. Someone's got to watch out for your fat ass."

Brooke laughed. It seemed like forever since she had shared a playful exchange with anyone.

"I needed this. Everyone here is treating me like I'm glass. And maybe I have been giving them the impression that I'm breakable but I really needed someone to treat me like I'm the same Brooke."

Rachel watched Brooke noticing the subtle changes in her demeanor. How quickly she had masked her emotions after their discussion of Victoria. She knew not to push Brooke but that didn't mean she would allow her to continue to ruminate over Victoria's words without some other insight, "Remember when I asked you if people change?"

Brooke nodded remembering the conversation. Rachel's expression grew serious again and Brooke knew her words were weighted, "Well, I believe you're the same person deep down. A person Victoria has never seen because she never took the time to look under all those layers of who Brooke Davis pretends to be. I think that Victoria is a bitch inside and out who will say anything to hurt you. That the only truth in her words is to benefit herself and that's really no truth at all."

Brooke remained quiet at the words. She wanted so desperately to believe Rachel about Victoria. She just wasn't sure she had faith enough to do so.

Rachel let out a sigh, "That's enough bonding for me Davis," she stood up and gave Brooke her devilish grin, "Next time provide some shots."
She laughed. She mad missed Rachel's ability to convey her point and move on.

"Come on….lets get some food. We can go to the diner I work at."

Rachel's eyes widened, "Did you just say you work at a diner? Holly shit Brooke." Her voice held a joking undertone.

She playfully slapped Rachel on the shoulder, "Hey, you're not allowed to talk considering you're unemployed right now."
"Yeah, well that's only because I had to come check on your skanky ass."

Brooke laughed and nudged Rachel towards the door. She gave Rachel the keys and told her to meet her outside while she grabbed a jacket. She ran upstairs and waited for the front door to shut before she dug out the white pills from the bottom of her drawer.

The conversation with Rachel had been draining and she needed something to take the edge off.

xxxxx

"So Brooke, you want to tell me why we're taking the long way to the diner?"

Brooke gave her a hesitant glance; she was hoping Rachel wouldn't notice.

"This is a shortcut."

Rachel shook her head, "I know its been a while but its significantly faster if you cut through downtown," she narrowed her eyes at Brooke, "Since you're clearly lying about the short cut and we are taking a longer route that avoids downtown, I'm guessing this has something to do with C/B boutique."

She glared at Rachel and hated her uncanny ability to decipher the meaning of her actions, "It does not. I just don't want to get traffic."

"At 2 PM on a Thursday? Seriously this is Tree Hill, there are like 4 cars in the entire town."

"Whatever Rachel. You can be such a bitch sometimes."

She didn't want to admit her weakness. If she started letting people see more of the anxiety they'd become concerned and they'd ask questions and that was the last thing she wanted.

"Did you expect anything different? Bitch is my middle name."

She turned the car around and began heading towards downtown. She hoped the two tiny white pills could keep her functioning.

They were two blocks away when she noticed her palms beginning to sweat and her cheeks flushed. She ignored the signs and continued driving. She just had to focus and she would be able to make it.

It was at the next light that it all fell to pieces. Her breath came in quick spurts and not enough to supply her lungs with adequate oxygen. The dizziness she was feeling increased with each passing second until she saw white specks in front of her.

She would be able to get through it. She wouldn't let something as simple as driving past a building take so much away from her. But it did.

She put the car in park because she was sure she had lost all ability to drive. She placed her forehead on the staring wheel to keep the tears from spilling. She had broken out in a cold sweat and she trembled slightly.

"Brooke…Brooke…"

Rachel's voice finally penetrated through.

"Its okay…we don't need to go that way."

Brooke looked over at her and she noted Rachel's bewildered expression. She had not expected this kind of a reaction from Brooke for just driving past where C/B had stood. Brooke saw the look in Rachel's eyes. It was the same one everyone else gave her when she broke down in front of them. It made her fear she may never be that old Brooke again because no one would remember who she was. She didn't remember who she once was.

"Please don't Rachel."

The redhead merely nodded. She knew her place in Brooke's life. If she became like Lucas, Nathan, and Haley, Brooke would surely lose it all. She needed someone to not treat her like she wasn't going insane. Brooke exited the car and walked to the other side, her legs still weak and she kept one hand on the car. Rachel didn't say a word as they exchanged places.

Finally once they were settled did Brooke allow the moment to be addressed, "I'm working on it. Just don't let it change anything Rachel. I really need that."

Rachel's lips remained in a taught line but Brooke took her silence to be a confirmation. She knew Rachel hated the position she was put in but it was the way their friendship worked.

"Fine. Then tell me what happened since you came back to Tree Hill."

Brooke conceded knowing that it could not be as easy as letting Rachel switch seats.

She recounted her experience. Starting from her return to Tree Hill. To the miscarriage and the moments she had shared with Lucas. She mentioned her house being repossessed and finally she told of the message she had received from Peyton. She looked to Rachel at that moment and watched her face transform from concern to anger.

"Peyton's such a selfish bitch."

Brook didn't reply, though somewhere deep down she agreed. Not just because of what she had said but about her past experiences with Peyton. Sometimes she wondered if Peyton was just her best friend because they had known each other so long. She hadn't felt like best friends with Peyton for a long time.

She pushed the thoughts out of her mind, she was over all that. So much had happened since then that all that seemed trivial. But she still couldn't help but think that maybe Rachel's words held some truth.

"I think Peyton doesn't know what she wants and was confused and scared."

"Defend her all you want but she's selfish. That's probably why Broody boy broke up with her."

Brooke turned to Rachel whose demeanor was still relaxed, as though the statement was insignificant to her.

"I doubt that."

"Well, then why did they break up?"

Brooke felt guilty. She had barely talked to Lucas about his breakup. Though he was not forthcoming with details either. "He said they just kinda fell apart."

Rachel scoffed, "Fell apart. Yeah that's what happens when the person who makes their relationship work, you, disappears."

"I do not make their relationship work."

She laughed this time, "Whatever."

Rachel looked as though she might drop the subject but one glance at Brooke's confused expression changed her plans, "Just think about it. Junior year they try it but you're not friends with them and they crash and burn. They try again after Peyton's little 'feelings' fiasco and through the end of senior year and moving to Cali they're fine. Then you pack up and move to New York and Peyton is falling in love with new guys and turning down proposals. Flash forward four years and Lucas and Peyton realize they really are perfect for each other and have a seemingly perfect relationship until you disappear and they're crashing and burning, again," she emphasized the last word to highlight to Brooke the pattern in their relationship.

"Rachel…" Brooke started but the redhead cut her off.

"Listen Brooke. Maybe the reason Peyton was so sure Lucas was the perfect guy for her was because you kept putting the idea in her mind. When you were around Lucas and Peyton she was reminded of your relationship with Lucas and she kept thinking Lucas was a great catch. That if he was so good with you he had to be perfect with her. But as soon as that reminder was gone Lucas went back to being some guy she had alright chemistry with and mixed feelings for."

"It's not like that. They're relationship was more than just Peyton wanting what I had. They were in love. They still are."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "Maybe but all I've seen is Peyton run from their relationship with some lame excuse every time. If they were really meant to be they'd have found a way by now."

"They are meant to be Rachel," she said it like it was a matter of fact, a truth she could rely on. She only ever wanted her friends to be happy and for Peyton as well as Lucas that was with each other. It had to be, or she had given it all up for nothing.

"Alright, then tell me why are you playing house with him and not her?"

Brooke gave a frustrated groan; Rachel always managed to say things she had no reply to. There was no romantic implication to her staying with Lucas and yet being in that house did trigger something within Brooke. Finally she found some words that might explain her current situation, "I'm only staying with him because I'm broke Rachel. I literally have no money. And he just feels bad for me."

Rachel shrugged, "Maybe that's just the way you see things."

Brooke remained silent. Her situation with Lucas was so complicated already; she didn't want to start thinking about their history as a couple. She had never stopped loving Lucas but that didn't mean anything. She was too realistic to ever imagine a normal relationship with anyone, let alone Lucas. Who would want an emotionally unstable wreck as a permanent fixture in their lives? She was sure even Lucas, with all his guilt and broken promises, would reach the end of his rope soon with all her issues. She was waiting for the bottom to fall out.

"Come on slut. We've already driven around the diner six times so let's get some of that food you promised me."

Brooke nodded and fixed her makeup silently.

Somewhere deep down the thought nagged her that even if she'd risk it again with Lucas that maybe she didn't deserve him. After all, she was so broken and there was no way to fix her.

xxxxx

And now waiting for everything
To fall into place
Waiting for everything
To fall

xxxx

City and Coulor lyrics.

I want to thank everyone for reading. I really appreciate the feedback and comments on how the story is progressing.

Congrats to everyone who guessed Rachel! I promised cookies but I tend to burn anything I try and cook so I'm sure you're all better off without them. Thanks for reading again. Next update Rachel and Lucas talk and we're getting closer to a serious Brooke/Lucas moment.

Please review if you have a chance, thanks!