Sorry for the wait, I procrastinated away my break without an update! Hope you enjoy the update and that it might make up for the super long wait.
xxxxx
It doesn't get easy get empty get older
And realize we actually die
Filled up with fear and the question persists
That you just might be living a lie
xxxxx
Brooke fell asleep a few hours after they returned from the diner. Rachel sat alone at the kitchen table thinking about everything Brooke had said over the course of the day. She still felt guilty, that maybe if she had stayed in Tree Hill things would have been different.
Brooke still hadn't said anything about the attack and she hadn't pushed. It seemed that Brooke was still battling with the emotional repercussions to this day. Rachel's stomach twisted. She'd do anything to take the pain away from her. Sometime long ago she had been jealous of Brooke. That Brooke lived the life Rachel had to work so hard to achieve. But it wasn't the truth. It was just a façade Brooke put on and eventually Rachel became one of the people she could trust enough to show what her life really was like.
So much for trust. She had broken that too, like everyone else, and shown Brooke that the only person she could rely on was herself. Rachel didn't need Brooke to tell her what Victoria had said. She could already piece it together from noticing the ways in which Brooke had changed.
Even around those she had once trusted and loved Brooke was separating herself. The fact that she had begged Rachel to be silent about the panic attack was enough for her to know. Brooke was refusing to let anyone in because Victoria had convinced her no one cared. That no one wanted to be let in. She had started to believe herself undeserving. That if a mother could never love her how could friends?
She could picture Victoria in her fitted business suite staring down at Brooke. Almost laughing and taunting her about the attack. She didn't need Brooke to tell her what her mother had said because Rachel too had once found herself at the receiving end of one of Victoria's bashings. The woman knew just what to say to make you crumble at her feet. To place the blame of what had happened on no one else but your own shoulders. And maybe she had deserved it, but Brooke was completely innocent. There was not telling how much damage that must have done.
The door opened and the reason she had been waiting up entered.
His face held a surprised expression at seeing her sitting in his dimly lit kitchen.
"Rachel…I can't say I expected to find you here…" he trailed off and she felt slightly awkward. She was in his kitchen unannounced but it really didn't matter. Brooke trumped everything in her life.
"My Brooke needed me so here I am."
He nodded solemnly. Somehow he knew Brooke needed Rachel. There were things he wouldn't understand that the redhead did. It would be a lie to say he didn't feel jealousy rear its ugly head at the thought. He wanted badly to prove to Brooke she could trust him but thus far she remained distant.
Rachel looked at Lucas finally. She was never one to beat around the bush and she wouldn't start now.
"I'm really mad at you. I am pissed off beyond belief because you hurt her really bad," Rachel took a breath and watched Lucas's expression fill with guilt, "But, she is hurting and you are the only one who has ever been able to get through to her."
He let out a deep sigh and took a seat at the table, hanging his head slightly.
"I want to. I just can't. She won't let me."
Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She knew he would say this to her. He never saw the power he had over her. But then again she knew Brooke had been keeping her distance. She was barely responsive at times and so withdrawn. She had only seen flashes of the cheery girl she once knew throughout their meal. It was easy to despair.
"Victoria was behind the attack," she said bluntly. She knew it was information Lucas needed that Brooke wouldn't reveal.
He looked up in surprise at her, "Victoria?"
"Yeah, that's what I said."
Frustration was apparent on his face and Rachel knew he was hurt that Brooke had not told him. "Why would she tell you that and not me? She hasn't told me anything and I've tried so hard. She barely mentions how she's feeling and she refuses to talk about the attack at all."
"She only told me because I thought I was the reason she was attacked. Otherwise I think she wouldn't have told anyone…" She trailed off. She wasn't sure what to say to Lucas.
He sighed, "Did she say why?"
Rachel shrugged, she didn't quiet know. Brooke had fired Victoria and maybe this was her way of extracting revenge.
"She didn't say exactly, she just told me she confronted Victoria in New York and after that it all went downhill. Victoria being the bitch she is probably implied that Brooke had brought this on herself. That she somehow deserved it."
His voice quivered as he responded to her. He was just beginning to understand how deep Brooke's pain ran. "How do you know this if she didn't tell you?"
"I know how Victoria works and I know Brooke's weaknesses. I used to exploit them once upon a time," she shrugged her shoulders to ease the tension in the room before continuing, "I just know that she needs you Lucas."
A silence fell between them and she contemplated telling him more. Finally she decided the only way to help Brooke was to let the people who knew how to save her find a way.
"She's been having really bad panic attacks too. I think it might be post-traumatic stress disorder. That's probably why she won't talk about the attack directly. She's really hurting bad Lucas. I need you to save her."
She turned her face and wiped the tears that had fallen. She finally turned back towards him, "Just trust yourself Lucas. You always doubt yourself with her and it's usually when she's just about to let you in. Give her time, she's been through so much but she needs you. I'll see you tomorrow."
She got up and made her way to Karen's bedroom. Brooke had made her promise to stay and Rachel was going to try and be a better friend, even if it meant letting Lucas into Brooke's life again. All she knew was if he hurt her again it would be the last thing he'd ever do.
She looked back once at the top of the stairs to see Lucas still at the table, his head buried in his hands. She found a small smile of hope at her lips from the realization that this time things might be different.
xxxxx
Brooke awoke to find a note from Rachel saying she was off to find a job. She'd be back sometime later in the day.
Brooke was somewhat relieved, being around Rachel made her miss the ease with which she had once lived her life. How every action could be spontaneous and of no consequence. Now she knew better. Now her life was schedules and carefully planned routes. She felt like she spent most of her time avoiding the elephant in the room and it was a draining experience.
She had the day off from work and she already had her entire day planned. She had discussed with Haley having Jaime spend the day with her. Though she had seen him periodically since her return she had yet to spend a whole day with him. It was about time they had another Bramie day.
She made her way downstairs and was surprised to find Lucas sitting at the table. He was usually at work by the time she got up.
He looked up at her with red lined eyes and an expression that showed he had not slept much. She knew the feeling though she didn't verbalize it to him.
"Listen Brooke. We need to talk."
He was short with her; the words in his head were well planned. He'd tell her what he knew and he was sure she'd open up to him. He just needed to let her know he could help her and everything would get better.
"What? Did I leave dirty dishes in the sink?"
She laughed playfully hoping to change his stern expression but when he didn't respond she grew anxious.
"I talked to Rachel last night."
Her feet suddenly felt heavy and she took a seat to save herself from falling. She knew what this was about. She should have known better than to trust Rachel's promise.
"She told me Victoria was behind the attack. Why didn't you tell me?"
Her mouth felt so dry she tried to think of something to say but no coherent thought formed. Instead she sat in the silence watching the man beside her brood.
"You could have told me. I would have understood. Victoria didn't just take your company she took away your life."
His usually strong voice was just a whisper. Like he was afraid to say the words because they might explain the last four months to him and he really wasn't ready for that.
The tears prickled and she shut her eyes to prevent them from falling. She didn't want to hear this. She didn't want them to know just how messed up everything in her life was.
"It doesn't matter."
"It does."
The quiet filled the room again. She wanted him gone but it was his house and though she thought leaving she had no where else to go.
Shit, she realized, she did have somewhere to go. Jaime was waiting.
She stood up quickly, "Lucas, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to talk about it. Ever. So just drop it. I'm late to pick up Jaime."
She grabbed her coat and gave one last look to Lucas who was still seated at the table. Her heart broke a little but she ignored it. It was beyond anyone's capability to ever fix.
xxxxx
"I'm sorry we haven't been hanging out more buddy."
They sat on their usual step by the park. Though it was getting cool outside Jaime had insisted on ice cream. Getting ice cream was their thing, a routine they had developed and loved.
Jaime continued to lick his ice cream cone and nodded.
"It's alright Aunt Brooke. Momma says you've got a lot going on and you just need to figure some stuff out."
"You're momma's right."
Jaime giggled before responding, "That's why she's my momma."
Brooke laughed as well at the simplicity of his reasoning.
"Do you want to talk about it Aunt Brooke? Momma says that the best way to feel better is to talk to someone you care about. And you care about me, right?"
She smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "I care about you the most Mr. James Lucas Scott."
She watched him gaze at her with concern. Even at just five she knew he had as much if not more compassion and love than Nathan and Haley combined. He was so much of what had brought her back, of what she missed while away from Tree Hill, "You know I love you and that regardless of everything else that's going on with me, I'll never stop."
Jaime nodded again, "When you were gone, I was really sad. I cried a lot and didn't want to go to school and I didn't want to play with Chester or basketball. And I thought that maybe I wasn't a good Godson and I promised Momma I'd be better if you came back. But Momma said you didn't leave because of me. She said sometimes people run when they're scared. Is that why you left Aunt Brooke?"
She nodded, her eyes filled with tears again and she felt guilt for her actions again. She had hurt him badly and yet he still loved her unconditionally.
"What were you scared of Aunt Brooke?"
She once again faced with the task of explaining to Jaime the way life worked without bringing his world down.
She couldn't find her voice. His questions were simple yet she had no idea how to explain it to him.
"At Quinton's funeral you had all those bruises. Momma said you fell down the stairs but I don't think that's what happened. A boy at school came in with bruises like yours and his mommy and he had to leave their daddy. Did someone hurt you like that Aunt Brooke?"
She took a breath of air and tried to control her voice. She decided being open with him was the best way to explain, "Yeah buddy. They did. And for awhile I was scared no one cared about me. That maybe I didn't deserve the people in my life," she found his fingers loops into hers making the words less burdensome, "Someone I thought cared about me hurt me really bad Jaime. They made me believe all those things. And now I know they aren't true but back then I believed them and I runaway because of them."
He sat quietly next to her for a few moments before he turned to her, his bright blue eyes looking deep into her soul, "Did you really stop believing them Aunt Brooke? Because you still look scared."
She let out a sigh she didn't know she was holding, "Maybe I am Jaime. But I don't know how to stop."
"It's ok, I'm scared sometimes but Momma always leaves a light on and everything is better. The people that care about you Aunt Brooke will always turn on a light for you. The people that won't aren't important."
She gave him a small smile the tension that filled her easing slightly, "How did you get so smart J Luke?"
He shrugged his shoulders and resumed eating his ice cream cone, "I was born this way."
She smiled for a moment, "You are the most important thing in my life Jaime, you know that right?"
He nodded but looked at her again, "What about Uncle Luke?"
"What about him?"
"Is he important?"
Her words came slowly; she was unsure where he was going with this conversation. "Yeah, he is. He's my friend, just like your mom and dad. And Mouth and Skillz. And lots of other people."
"I think you matter most to Uncle Lucas. He was really sad when you left. He got into a lot of fights with mommy and daddy about it. And Peyton too."
She doesn't respond so he continues, "I think it scared Uncle Lucas that you could just leave like that," his voice grew quiet and she knows he isn't just talking about Lucas's experiences but his own as well, "We loved you Aunt Brooke and we didn't know what to do when we lost you."
She pulled him into her lap, his ice cream cone discarded and tears running down his cheeks. He was only five and he had already been so strong.
"I promise I won't ever leave you again Jaime."
He buried his head in her chest and she wrapped him in her arms tightly.
"Can you make Uncle Lucas less sad Aunt Brooke? He's still really sad and I know you can make him feel better."
She let out a sigh, "I'll try Jaime."
xxxxx
Lucas is still where she left him though its hours later. Jaime's word still echoed in her head.
"Hey," she said tentatively. She had left in such haste in the morning, totally disregarding his attempt to connect with her.
She knew she had hurt him but she had not thought just how deeply she had wounded him. How much her keeping him shut out had affected him.
Maybe she had been naive to think she could ignore everything and assume everyone would find a way to move on as well.
He didn't respond so she took a seat next to him.
"I just need time. I'm sorry if it is hurting you Lucas but I really just cannot go through it right now. I'm just trying so hard to put together enough pieces to get by and if I open up about it I'm afraid I might fall apart again."
"But I know I can help. You just have to let me." He sounded so sure of himself but she can't trust him.
"I can't right now Lucas. I just need you to live with it. To move on like I am."
The frustration grew in his voice, "I can't do that. I can't just move on. You're a mess Brooke. I don't know who you are trying to kid."
"Well considering everything that has happened I think I'm doing pretty well."
"I don't know what happened Brooke. That's the thing; I can't help you if you don't tell me."
Her voice becomes harsher, "I never asked you to help me Lucas. I don't need you to put me together like Peyton. I know what it's like being alone so don't think you have to rescue me or something."
She was oscillating again. Back and forth between needing help and denying when people around her reached out.
"You do. You're just too stubborn to admit it." He hasn't raised his voice though the frustration is still present.
He was the one who had written it, not her. 'Fiercely independent…'
"Don't do this Luke." She was afraid of getting hurt again. Of finding a way to really trust him to have it thrown back in her face like always.
"I won't stop. I know you need someone and I am that person. I know it…"
She's made her way to the stairs already, "I'm sorry I hurt you but fixing me won't help end whatever guilt you are feeling. I'm not strong enough to fix you anymore Lucas."
That's the only thing she can believe. That he needed her to make himself feel better. And she wanted to. Just like in the past she desperately wanted to be able to save him but that was when she believed in herself and their love. Now she really didn't believe in anything.
She reached her room and shut the door, the tears are falling swiftly down her face as she remembered that once long ago they had promised to save each other but somehow they never managed to get it quite right.
Maybe if they had things could have been different.
xxxxx
I'm keepin' it together
Just keep it together at best
Somewhere inside of me
I know that this is a test
You got to burn to shine
You got to burn to shine
You got to burn to shine
xxxxx
Ben Lee
I'm very sorry this update took so long. I for some odd reason thought I'd have time over the holidays but woke up today and realized the holidays were officially over (b/c I go back to work tomorrow) and I had not posted an update! It was like super procrastination. Sorry for the long wait.
Hope you enjoyed the update. There will be much more Brucas interaction in the following chapters, this was like primer. I pushed back their "big" conversation to the next chapter and added the Bramie scene-hope you enjoyed the change.
As to what happened to Brooke while she was gone we'll get to it eventually. There'll also be background into what went on in Tree Hill while she was gone too. There's a lot of this story left so I hope you will stick around with me while I try and get to a healthy Brucas relationship.
Thanks for reading and hope you leave a review.