Enjoy. Please review if you have a moment. Thx :).

xxxx

They say we're buried far,
Just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

xxxx

She was sober. One hundred percent, like the tart liquid had never touched her lips. She had never gone from being drunk to sober before but then again she had never experienced anything quite like she had tonight either. So maybe going from drunk to sober was not such a shock. Maybe reliving the night she had been raped had been the shock.

She sat on the couch with a blanket around her shoulders. She had showered and hid the clothes she wore deep in her closet. The smell of the man made her feel ill and it was all she could think of on the drive home. Lucas hadn't asked any questions, his silence maybe part of the reason she had not panicked. Maybe it was simply his presence and not what he did or did not say.

He came in seconds later with two cups of hot chocolate. He handed her one before taking a seat on the couch next to her, close enough for her to feel him but giving her enough space as well.

"I'm sorry."

She was tired of holding it in. Of desperately pushing him away so she could pretend like nothing had changed. That she didn't need him again, like she had always needed him.

She wasn't sure what she needed but in that alley, when she had been so sure the sky was about to fall down on her he had managed to reach her. Somehow he brought her back to the present and away from the memories that had flooded her psyche.

As strong as she claimed she was she had broken tonight and Lucas had willingly picked up the pieces. He had been there when she needed saving tonight.

"It's alright."

She shook her head, "No its not. I was a bitch. And you were just trying to be a friend. God, I've been such a bitch since I got back and you've been so great."

He watched her for a moment. Her hair was still wet from the shower and she wore one of his old sweatshirts. The sleeves too long and bunched up at her wrists. She looked so small to him again. So lost in everything that was happening. All he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and pretend that nothing bad had ever happened.

"You've had a lot going on," he replied lamely instead.

She gave a weak smile, "That excuse gets old really fast."

"I won't tell you it's been a piece of cake but I'd rather have you here than anywhere else."

They sat in silence for a moment before she turned her body towards him. Her legs were crossed and her fingers played idly in her lap, "I know I don't say it, or even show it but I really appreciate you opening up your home to me. And to Rachel. It has been such a comfort this past month knowing I can rely on you."

He cherished her words. He had been so scared she hadn't needed him. That he had been pushing in for no reason. But he didn't tell her that. It felt impossible to tell her how much he had grown to need her over the past month.

"Don't mention it. After everything it's the least I could do."

His hands seemed to take on a life of their own and found their way to trace her chin and up to her ear. She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. It had been such a long time since someone's touch hadn't upset her and given everything that had happened she was surprised the comfort, rather than panic, his touch brought her. For a moment she could think of something other than the weight she carried with her.

"Please tell me what happened tonight Brooke."

She kept her eyes closed. She was sure if she opened them and caught his eye she'd never be able to stop the tears. She always felt so vulnerable under his gaze.

"It all fell apart…"

He scooted forward and pulled her trembling frame into his arms and she went willingly. He had forgotten how perfectly she fit into his arms, how it felt like her body was made in congruence with his own. All his sharp corners somehow molding perfectly with her soft curves.

She rested her head in the crook of his neck breathing in his scent. She had never been able to pinpoint it. Even in high school she had gone through all his body washes and shampoos and colognes never finding the right combination. There was something so unique and distinct about the way he smelled that she had always found calm in his arms.

"There's this girl at the diner. She must be like 16 and she's so smart, and bubbly, and beautiful. And God she reminds me of me at 16, so carefree and happy," she took a breath, thinking of the person she once was, "It was slow so we were sharing tables and there were these two guys there, that just…just…" she groaned in frustration, finding it hard to describe to Lucas just what had transpired.

He rubbed small circles with his thumb on her back and she somehow managed to think straight again, "I was on a break outside and they were smoking a cigarette. They were talking about her and they started talking about me. And I was around the corner but I could hear everything…" her voiced dipped, "Its so stupid Lucas but it hurt so bad. Because I was like her once, and I just feel so empty now. And that's what they said. And they laughed. That I was cold and needed a guy to warm me up."

He held her closer, "It doesn't mean…"

She cut him off, "It does. I'm so tired of feeling nothing. It's so tiring to carry it all and I thought I was getting better. I thought people couldn't see it but these two random guys at the diner could point out everything I felt so easily. I'm such a wreck and I didn't even realize it…"

"You're not a wreck."

"I am. And I thought if I put my mind to it I wouldn't be. That I could just think I was getting better and poof, I would be…You must think I'm so stupid."

"I didn't think you were stupid. Never…"

"I was just so desperate to show them I wasn't cold. That I 'didn't have a stick up my ass'," she mocked and she felt his arms wrap tighter around her, "So I went to Tric. And I had a shot, and I didn't feel better. So I had another and next thing I know the room's spinning and I think that insecure girl I've become is gone. But she's not. She's always there."

Alcohol only provided confidence when she was willing to do whatever it said. When she hadn't been afraid of what might happen if she blacked out. Now it only unlocked more insecurities.

"Brooke, you're not…they don't know…"

She gave a dead laugh, "Just because they don't know doesn't change things," she pushed herself away from him as she felt the tears she had managed to stop from falling started to run down her cheeks, "I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I'm so tired of it all Lucas…"

She pulled her knees up. She had been pretending for so long and she hadn't even known the half of it. She remembered the sound of the door now. The way his hot breath felt against her skin. How he smelled like whiskey. How she couldn't breathe.

He let her pull away. She had always needed her space. She had learned at a young age that too much contact was a bad thing and so he saw her detach herself from emotional situations time and time again. He couldn't change that but he could let her know that asking for distance didn't mean he'd leave. He was there, and he'd be there when she was willing to let him in.

He realized now he had never learned how to give her the space she needed in high school. How it was never an in-between with them. They went back and forth between needing one another so desperately it was hard to breathe when separated to a distance that was all consuming. That was so deep at times it seemed impossible to imagine what it was like to be together again.

"What happened on the dance floor?"

"I had a flashback of the night at the store."

He inhaled sharply and could only watch her as she sat on the edge of the couch, her shoulders slumped and her arms wrapped protectively around her legs. His mouth felt dry and though he wanted to say something he could find no words.

"It was so vivid. It's never been like that before…it always felt like a distant thought in my mind. That I could pretend it never happened if I didn't talk about it or go to the places that reminded me of it. But it was like I was there tonight, so helpless again…like always," she looked at him with desperation. He always managed to make it feel like the world had stopped spinning and right now she felt out of control.

He wanted to avoid her gaze; the rawness of her voice ate at him and the comfort he had found in her words earlier now lost. Maybe he had started to believe her too. That if he ignored the moments when it all went to shit, it was like nothing had changed between them. He could really believe he had never failed her.

"You're not helpless Brooke. You're the strongest person I know."

She rested her head on her knees and turned her face towards him, her sad eyes meeting his, her voice a hushed whisper, "I'm not strong Lucas. If I was strong this wouldn't have happened."

He sighed, "I don't know if I can ever relate to what happened Brooke but I know you're not weak. When Keith died I was so lost. And there were so many things people needed from me but I couldn't keep faith. Not after everything that happened. I couldn't imagine one day and not waking up with this hole inside me. But you were there. You kept me strong when I had nothing left."

"I wasn't strong Lucas. I was barely scraping by." She closed her eyes remembering the moments she barely managed to hold herself together as Lucas fell apart. It had taken everything in her to not break down with him. She never felt strong in those moments, she never felt strong when he asked her questions she had no answers to. She felt like had failed him.

He reached a hand out to her, "You could have fooled me. Knowing you were there was the only thing that got me through. The only thing that gave me the strength to be there for my mom," his fingers interwove with hers and his icy blue eyes met with her clouded hazel ones, "Let me be strong for you. Let me be strong until you feel strong again."

He felt strong after Keith's death because of her. When he had nothing she had been there, she let him be strong for everyone else. She found comfort in the realization.

He had said the words to her before but she had never listened. She never trusted in his words but tonight she felt too tired to object. She had lost faith in a just world, in karma, in life itself. She had questions and doubts that no one could respond too. But so had Lucas. And he sat before her today retaining all the beliefs she had lost.

"It'll ruin us…"

"Maybe it'll fix us…"

Things like this only destroyed people. She had learned that a long time ago.

She leaned forward and let her lips meet his. The kiss chaste but left them both longing for something more. She kissed him again, this time licking his lips, asking for entrance and he obliged.

This was probably a foolish move but she didn't care. She needed to feel something, and feeling Lucas had always effectively shut down everything else going on in her mind. It was just them, always.

They shifted and moved closer to one another, though their lips only parting when they needed air. His hand ran up and down her side causing her to moan in pleasure. They moved without thought, they had been so good at this that it felt like second nature, like it had not been five years since they'd last kissed.

"Brooke…wait," he said pulling away from her slightly. She was beneath him, catching her breathe.

She looked him in his eyes again; she knew what he was afraid of. But she wanted this as much as he did. Since the attack she felt nothing. Like she was watching everyone from afar, unable to connect with anyone. With Lucas now though she felt in the moment. She felt real.

"I just want to feel something else Lucas. I want to feel this," she leaned up and caught his lips.

He hesitated still and so she kissed him again, this time with more passion and intensity, "I want this Lucas."

He gave in to her. There was no denying he wanted it, maybe more than he had ever realized. Being with Brooke had been something he had dreamed about late at night, when some random lay beside him, sometimes when Peyton or Lindsey had been there, though he'd never admit it to anyone. She always felt so right that he could never believe it would be wrong to be with her.

She moved with haste, unbuttoning his shirt quickly and he wanted to follow her pace but something told him not to. Instead he gave her soft kisses and each touch was gentle and planned. He wouldn't rush this; he wouldn't let the desperation of her words push him into rushed actions.

She conceded and allowed him to set the pace. She trembled under him and gave him long kisses to reassure him she was alright. It seemed impossible for it to seem so right when everything else was so wrong. She was reminded of the night in the rain and when they made love with the thunder and lightening. It scared her to feel the same way so many years later and for something that started so reckless and hurried having turned into something so delicate. But somehow it did and she didn't want to think why.

She clung desperately to him as he thrust into her. She didn't want to see his eyes because then he'd see her tears and she didn't want him to think she didn't want this. She did and the passion she felt was so deep she was worried she was falling before she even had a chance to find solid ground to stand on.

It felt good to have his weight on her. It wasn't suffocating or anxious. She just felt safe in his arms.

He felt her tears on his shoulder but he didn't ask questions. He couldn't imagine what was running through her mind so he just held her tightly. His arms wrapped protectively around her as he felt her kiss his neck, reassuring him slightly.

"I'm close," she whispered and her breathe was hot against his ear and her nails dug into his back, sure to leave marks to remind him this was not a dream. He managed to find her lips, sucking on her bottom lip as they both tumbled over the edge together. Her face was wet against his own and she pulled him closer as he reached for the blanket that had long ago fallen off her shoulders.

They were both so tired from everything that had transpired that within minutes they'd fallen asleep in each other's arms. Just like they had so many times so many years ago.

xxxx

She woke up hours later. She expected to feel panicked but instead she still felt calm. Lucas's frame leaned against her, his armed draped lazily across her stomach, the other placed under her. She wanted to tuck herself back under his chin, to let the beat of his heart put her to sleep again but that would be admitting to a reality she wasn't ready to face.

She untangled herself from Lucas's limbs. They couldn't be found like this. Not when Rachel knew nothing about the night before. Not when she herself had no idea what had happened the night before.

She gathered her clothes and made her way to the room she'd been sleeping in for weeks now. It still seemed odd; there had been a moment or two she'd thought of going into Lucas's room. But then she was reminded there was no red door there anymore. That she had not called that place home in years.

She curled up on her bed and tried to decipher a pattern in her actions. Time and time again she had told herself to be rationale. To think before she acted but once again she got caught up in Lucas's words.

But she had needed him. There was no way to deny that. He was the only one who stopped it all from replaying. The person who managed to make her think logically when all logic was lost.

She had needed a release. She was desperate for something to take her away. For someone to show her she could feel the things she'd lost faith in again. She had felt happiness for a few brief moments while in his arms.

'Let me be strong for you.'

It would ruin them, she was sure. If she let him in there would be no going back. Like after Keith's death, the words they didn't speak to each other had effectively eliminated any chance of happiness they might share. This would be the same. She'd need him until she didn't anymore and then there'd be nothing left. But he was willing, just as she was so many years ago.

At least his heart was with Peyton so it wouldn't hurt as much. When she lost herself to this pain she had been in love. That pain was much harder to get past.

She dug through the bedside drawer and found the number of the therapist Haley had recommended. She could no longer go about things the way she had been. Denial only worked so long and only so well. After tonight she couldn't just pretend anymore.

She ran her finger over the embossed name. It felt odd to think about spilling her secrets to a stranger but keeping them all inside her head was no better.

She had alienated friends and put herself in more risk. She had hurt them more than she wanted to admit. Maybe telling someone who didn't know her could make it easier. The judgment in their eyes would be less painful.

She'd call in the morning. It would be a real step towards healing. She worried how difficult it would be. Would she be seen as weak or naïve? Probably. But at least she was willing to admit her mistakes. That had to be some sort of progress, she supposed.

And Lucas would be there. He'd listen when the pounding in her head became too much. He'd save her one last time.

xxxx

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.

I'll be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.

xxxx

Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson

Does this make any sense? I don't know. I just wanted to write it and I've gone over it like a million times but nothing feels better. If you need more explanation send me a PM and I'll try and provide some insight into my musings.

And sex is always sex with Brooke and Lucas. It was an emotional outlet for them. Like the start of a very f-ed up pseudo-relationship.

So Brooke is going to get some much needed professional help. And Lucas will be there, helping her. She thinks it'll ruin their friendship but we'll see.

Please review if you have a moment, I really appreciate the feedback. Thank you for reading.