I have an important Author's Note at the end of the update regarding the story. Please take a moment to read it. And don't worry, it isn't me putting this fic on haitus :).

Thank you for reviewing, they really mean a lot to me and I take them all into consideration when writing. Enjoy the update and thanks for reading.

xxxx

Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain I need to hide within the storm
xxxx

She sat straight back in the chair as the woman in front of her ruffled through some papers. The office was spacious and the furniture welcoming but she was all nerves today and nothing could calm her.

"Before we start Brooke I want to tell you there is no right way to deal with trauma. Trauma isn't natural and our bodies aren't designed to work under that kind of stress for extended periods of time," she paused to add emphasis to the importance of her words, "And while trauma isn't natural it is prevalent and more common than it should be. When we don't address the effect the event has had on our lives trauma can have severe repercussions. Sometimes we don't even realize the ways it can penetrate our lives. My goal is to work with you to get to a place where you can deal with the event in a holistic method. Do you think you're ready to start?"

Brooke nodded. She was anxious and nervous but this was the right thing to do. Until she addressed the attack and how it had changed her life she'd never be able to move forward and stop depending on others. The first step at becoming independent again was finding a way to live her life again. She took a breath, "I'm as ready as I'll ever be…"

xxxx

She walked down the empty halls trying hard not to fall into the memories that surfaced. Though she had been in the halls many times since graduation it now seemed to echo of things she had lost. With each step she was reminded of a person she wasn't anymore. All of it was an unexpected result of her therapy sessions. Every step forward seemed to yield two back. The anxiety and fear at the thought of her attack had diminished but there were still moments she was thrust back to that night. And when the therapist drifted into other areas of her life she felt like she was hitting a wall once again. The subject of her mother had come up and silence was the only response she could give. Dr. Fields had wanted her to verbalize her emotions but it felt impossible. She never wanted to think about the woman again but the topic came up over and over. Finally, they moved on, though Dr. Fields had stressed they would have to return eventually and dig through the aftermath of her mother's actions.

Talking about her mother wasn't the only subject she avoided. It seemed any discussion of life and what she wanted from it caused her anxiety to rise. That was what brought her here today. The session had been especially difficult and she had left feeling lower than ever before. The questions her therapist had asked made her doubt that would ever feel whole again.

She knocked softly on the door. Nate opened a few seconds later, a little surprised to find Brooke staring back at him.

"Hey, what's going on Brooke?"

He moved out of the doorframe to allow her in and she stepped into the office.

"I'm not disturbing you, am I?"

She took a seat across from his desk. She remembered the times she had been called in there by Whitey for doing something inappropriate during a game or picking a fight with a rival cheerleader. He always told her she was selling herself short, that she didn't have to play the role she was handed in high school. It took her time and heart ache to finally learn that lesson.

"Course not. I was just going over some plays."

She gave him a smile, "So you're enjoying coaching?"

"Yeah, it's been really good. It's only temporary till Skillz is back from Charleston but I can't complain…so what's going on?"

She shook her head in a casual manner, "Nothing much. I just had a session and felt like talking."

Nate nodded and took a seat at his desk, "How're things going?"

She shrugged, "Alright. It's slow and half the time I have nothing to say."

Nathan gave her a small smile, "Yeah I felt the same way. But it helped Haley and I get back to a better place in our relationship."

"I guess it's all relative, huh?"

"What do you mean?" His voice was full of confusion.

"Getting better. I feel like I am, especially with the attack, but then she asks these questions that I have no response to. That I think I won't ever have responses to."

She played with her fingers in her lap. She had come to Nate because of everyone he was the one she knew would understand the most. She remembered their conversation the day of Q's funeral. He had stood before her and confirmed every thought in her head. She was never really given a chance.

"Like what?"

"Just things about life and everything else."

He reached across the desk and gently rubbed her hands with his thumb, "I need more than that to help Davis."

She debated leaving and continuing down a path of denial for a moment. Finally she looked up at Nate's blue eyes, she could easily see the emotions reflecting back at her, the concern he felt for her wellbeing. She decided to try and take a step forward, hoping this time she wouldn't fall back.

"Remember the day of Quinton's funeral. You said you knew what it was like. You knew what it felt like to lose your dream."

"Yeah, I do," he gave her a short reply. He wanted to help but she was all over the place with her words, "What's going on?"

She sighed and looked down at her hands, "She asked me what my dreams were today. And I just sat there and I had no answer. I just, I couldn't say anything."

"That's ok. No one expects you to have an answer for everything. She just wants you to think about all that stuff."

The room was quiet for a moment before she spoke, her words crafted to his reply.

"When I was younger I had a million dreams. I wanted to be a world famous designer with an amazing clothing line. I wanted to be married to a great guy and have two boys and a girl. I wanted a best friend I could always rely on. I wanted so much…but now…Now I don't want anything…"

She trailed off. It seemed odd to say but it was true. Life had proven to her that dreams weren't meant to come true.

"But you'll want it all again Brooke. You just have to give it time. It's not a right or wrong question. You just need to deal with it in your own time."

She stood up and walked around the small office. Nate's words running through her head. She felt unsettled, like a shell of a person. Everyone else dreamed about things and she was sure she'd never desire anything again. The cost seemed too high now.

She examined the faces that hung from the walls of the office. There were hundreds of images. Some from recent years, some from when Whitey was coach, some even older. All of those people had dreams. If you asked they could give a reply in an instant. Did it mean there was something wrong with her if she didn't?

She turned to face him again and she noted his worried expression. She was sure she sounded out of her mind but everything she had told him was the truth. These were the fears that haunted her.

"How'd you learn to dream again Nate?" she paused letting him take in her words, "After you put everything into following that dream, into making it a reality, and realizing it would never come true, how did you ever feel safe to dream again?"

He felt winded. That wasn't a question he was expecting. He wasn't sure how he'd learn to dream again. He had been so consumed with anger and resentment that for a long time he didn't dream. He let the world slip by. But then Haley and Jaime had been there. They had stood by him and lent him their dreams.

"It's not easy. I didn't dream for a long time. I thought it was all over," he ran his hands through his hair and leaned back as he remembered the days it seemed like nothing mattered, "But then Haley and Jaime showed me basketball wasn't my only dream. And Lucas and Skillz showed me that basketball could still be my dream, just not the way I thought."

She remained quiet. She leaned against the wall, her eyes gazing downward. She thought over his words. It seemed so easy but she felt terrified of dreaming again. She didn't want to ever hurt that way again.

"You have all of us Brooke. You don't have to dream alone. We can help you rebuild it all. Everything you lost."

If only it was that easy. She wished they could dream for her. Reinstall within her hope that the future might be better. But what would happen when she found herself alone again? When the people who supported her would return to their own lives and her troubles would no longer be their concern? It seemed easy to say it wouldn't happen but there were more times than she wanted to recall that she found herself alone when she desperately needed a shoulder to lean on.

"I know you guys could help me but I just don't think I have enough left in me to start believing again and then watch as my dreams are taken away again."

She walked toward the chair to get her purse when Nathan grabbed her hand gently, trying to offer some comfort to her, "They won't be taken away again Brooke."

She met his gaze and the despair in her eyes made Nathan's stomach sink. Suddenly it wasn't just about her clothing line but about all the other things in her life as well, all the broken promises and selfish actions of others.

"They always are…"

xxxx

"Hey slut," Rachel smiled as Brooke let herself in the redhead's apartment, a pizza box in hand.

"Hey skank. How's moving in going?"

Rachel gave a deep sigh, "Alright. Considering I haven't lived her in years I've got a lot stuff."

They took a seat on Rachel's bare floor and each took a slice.

"I'm really thankful the landlord was willing to wait on me giving her first and last month's rent. I really couldn't stand living at 'Brucas place' any longer."

Brooke threw a breadstick at the redhead, "It's not 'Brucas place', it's just Lucas's place. I'll move out once I'm back on my own two feet."

Rachel laughed, "Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

"Whatever. You were welcome to stay there too. No one rushed you into this apartment."

"Please, if I stayed another day I'd have to cut the sexual tension with a knife."

Brooke held up another breadstick to throw, "There is no tension of any kind between me and Lucas. He loves Peyton. He's meant to be with Peyton."

Rachel gave a dry laugh but remained quiet. It was better to only give Brooke small pushes towards Lucas. It was apparent something was going on with them but Brooke preferred to remain oblivious at the moment.

Rachel wasn't sure if Brooke was ready to risk her heart but Lucas had promised her over and over he wouldn't hurt the brunette again. And she trusted him, she wasn't sure why but his words seemed genuine. Maybe he had truly learned from the past.

Sitting in the apartment teasing one another reminded her of high school. Of the moments the two shared that brought them closer as friends. Brooke and Lucas had been ignorant of their feelings for one another then as well. Even now it felt like the only ones who didn't know that Lucas and Brooke belonged together was Lucas and Brooke, and maybe Peyton. But her departure seemed to imply that she too had realized who shared the deeper connection.

"You had a session today, right?" Brooked nodded. "How'd it go?" Brooke shrugged and continued to eat in silence.

Rachel watched the brunette tried to make it seem like she had suddenly become highly engrossed in an old tabloid. The mention of her therapy sessions had sent Brooke into another world. She tried to act indifferent but Rachel noticed the tension that ran through her frame and the overwhelmed expression that suddenly found itself on Brooke's face. But the other girl was unaware that this was all visible to the outside world.

"Well, I found a good NA meeting today. And I have a new sponsor, Sarah from Oakdale."

"That's great. I'm so proud of you Rach."

"I'm proud of me too. Getting clean was the hardest thing I've ever done and I won't ever let myself go through it again," Rachel watched Brooke for a moment, "Rehab was hard alone. And I wished so bad I could go back to those few days in Tree Hill when you offered to help me. But being alone also made it easier. Because as much as I wanted you at those meetings with me a part of me could only think of how ashamed I felt. Of how you might judge me and not understand."

"Rachel, you know I wouldn't have judged you, I would never…"

"I know that but there's still the fear. The worry that your friends might not understand."

Brooke picked at the crust of the pizza; Rachel's words had made her suddenly feel uneasy and though Rachel was talking about rehab it seemed to describe her situation as well, "Why are you telling me all this Rach?"

Rach l met Brooke's gaze, she would not veil her intentions, "They have an assault survivors meeting at the Community Center. They meet every Wednesday, it's all really private and..."

Brooke gave a half smile and cut her off, "Thanks but no thanks Rachel. I'm good with my one on one sessions."

"Maybe it'll be good for you to go to one."

Brooke shook her head, "Why? How is sitting around and getting a room full of strangers to feel sorry for me going to help? I don't need anyone's sympathy."

"It's not about sympathy Brooke. Rehab let me see that what I experienced wasn't because there was something wrong with me; that other people went through it too. What Victoria did was horrible, it's irreprehensible but everything you are feeling is what hundreds of women feel. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone in a situation."

Brooke turned her gaze away, "I am alone Rachel."

"No you're not."

"My mother paid someone to attack me Rachel. No one can understand that."

Rachel shook her head, "You carry around this guilt like you asked for it. Like you did something to make Victoria the bitch she is but you didn't."

"It wasn't some random act Rachel. This was premeditated. It was my fault. I didn't take a stand when I should have. I let Victoria get away with it; I let her make me this sad, pathetic person I am today." Brooke motioned to herself. She felt on edge again as thoughts of her confrontation with Victoria came to her mind.

"You are not sad or pathetic Brooke. You are the most amazing and loyal and caring person I know. You are the reason I'm clean today."

Rachel's words had some affect on Brooke as she realized maybe she wasn't as damaged as she thought, "You give me too much credit."

Rachel gave her a small smile and squeezed Brooke's hand, "And you don't give yourself enough."

xxxx

It was later than usual when the door creaked open. He didn't even flinch when her cold limbs brushed against his as she crawled into the bed, her head finally coming to a rest against his chest.

He had become accustomed to Brooke's form next to his. Since Rachel had moved out Brooke had spent most nights in his room. They hadn't slept together again and they hadn't talked about it either. But Lucas had no questions. He knew what her touches had implied; her need for him was so basic it was like breathing itself. She had told him long ago, though the memory still new in his mind, that she always felt safe in his arms and that was she had needed that night. And nearly every night since he had provided her with the same comfort. A place to escape everything else.

Sometimes she would share her thoughts with him. Late at night when the rest of the world was asleep and her fears kept her up. But then there were times she was so quiet. When she had no words to explain the tears that stained his shirt. Moments like those were more common but he took it all, because he had promised he'd be there.

"I was getting worried about you…"

"I was at Rachel's and then I went for a drive. I just needed some quiet time."

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, "Yeah, just tired." She was quiet for a moment but he sensed the hesitation in her voice. After a moment she spoke again, "Do you think I'm getting better Lucas?"

He sighed unsure of how to respond. It was a difficult path and progress was not linear. She did seem better at times but she still refused to sketch or talk about Victoria.

"What do you mean?"

She sat up and pulled her legs close to her body, the sheet pulled around her, "Do you think the therapy is working? That I'm becoming 'Brooke Davis' again?"

"You've always been Brooke Davis…"

No she hadn't. She felt like someone else in her skin. Like the reflection was a person she didn't recognize. Brooke Davis had been spirited and fierce. She was nothing like that now.

When she remained silent he questioned her, "Where is all this coming from?"

She shrugged her shoulders. From a lot of places. From her session and conversation with Nathan. From Rachel's pointed discussion of the guilt she carried.

"I just want to be better and move on. But everyone says I need to talk about all this stuff I don't want to if I want to get better," she paused and looked up at him, "I just don't know if it's worth it."

He knew she was talking about Victoria. Addressing her relationship with her mother meant digging into a lifetime's worth of neglect. Things he was sure Brooke had ignored for most of her life in order to present some semblance of a normal life to others.

"Why do you think it isn't worth it?"

She was sure if she ever admitted how psychotic her childhood had been people would not understand. That they might offer support at first but crafting a life after admitting all the misery she had disguised seemed impossible. She could never do it alone and she knew eventually she'd be alone again.

"What will it solve Lucas? How is delving into all that pain going to help?"

He sighed and pulled her into his embrace and she lacked the strength to resist anymore, "Because it's too much to carry. It's too much for one person."

"I've done a pretty good job so far. I've always managed to get by without needing anyone," she whispered against his chest.

"But you don't have to…I told you that you save people Brooke. You are always there for people, why do you think that they, that I, won't be there for you now?"

"Maybe you will but I can't risk that you won't. That your own lives won't become more important once again…"

The silence consumed the room and Lucas contemplated how many times it seemed like they had the same argument. She never gave herself fully and maybe he had given her cause, "I promise I'll be there Brooke, we'll all be there."

Her voice steady and pained, "Don't make promises you can't keep Lucas. Just please don't…"

The emptiness of her voice caused Lucas's heart to ache. She didn't sound angry at the promise, just disappointed that he would continue to spin tales at her expense.

"Why don't you ever believe me?"

"Because you've never given me reason to Lucas…"

He tried to think of a response but no coherent response formed. The words hadn't surprised him but hearing the truth in her defeated tone caused his mouth to become dry. He always felt like he had failed the people most important to him when she said things like that.

She shifted, creating some distance between the two of them and soon her breathing evened out. Lucas knew she was asleep within moments of opening his eyes to the mistakes a boy made with a girl with a broken heart. To the countless times he had left her devastated by one of his thoughtless actions.

He closed his eyes as well but sleep never came. He wondered how long it would take to prove to Brooke that this time was different. That he was a different man today.

xxxx

I really thought I was okay
I really thought I was just fine
But when I woke up this time
There was nothing to take you off my mind

xxxx

Rachael Yamagata lyrics

A/N: I am very sorry for the long wait on an update. Recently some personal issues have prevented me from being able to sit and write. A friend accidentally overdosed on anti-depressant medication and this has caused me rethink where I want this story to go. I have alluded to Brooke's use of drugs and the possibility of dependence but I am going to veer away from that part of the story. At this time I cannot personally write anything related to the matter and do not want to misrepresent the subject matter. I dislike when authors leave major plot holes in their fics but I will try very hard to address Brooke's use of the pills in a different manner. In addition, I have decided to minimize focus on what happened while Brooke was gone for the four months. Once again I am just not in a place where I feel emotionally prepared to write that type of content. I do not plan on completely ignoring her disappearance and we will come to the subject in a few updates.

And no need to worry about Lucas and Brooke, the pseudo relationship is not going to be really f-ed up, it'll just interesting to see how it progresses and unfolds itself into a real relationship, something both of them aren't expecting.

Thank you for your patience with the updates. And thank you for reading and reviewing as well. Those reviews have played an important part in helping me through this difficult time. If you have a moment I would love any feedback on either the update or changes in the storyline. Thanks and hope you enjoyed.