Thank you for all your words of support. It was very helpful knowing there were people who really cared about the situation. Thankfully my friend is doing much better allowing me focus once again.
In regards to the story I made the decision to try and finish writing the story before posting more updates. I've gotten a few chapters done but it is somewhat of a struggle because I like to know what you all think of the updates via reviews. Hopefully I can find a happy medium between writing before hand and incorporating constructive criticism and suggestions. I do have most of the next few chapters written as well so updates should hopefully be quicker than in the past.
Hope you enjoy the update. We are reaching a turning point in the story where stubborn Brooke may finally realize things are different and begin to move forward in her recovery. There will, of course, be roadblocks but there will be lots of progress none the less. Much of the treatment methods I've used are from the book "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman and class material from an undergraduate psych class so my methods are by no means the end all in regards to dealing with rape and trauma. Hopefully I have employed their methods properly.
Thank you so much for your reviews and thoughts.
xxxx
I try so many times
but it's not taking me
and it seems so long ago
that I used to believe
and I'm so lost inside of my head
and crazy
but I can't get out of it
I'm just stumbling
xxxx
She watched the minutes slowly pass while she sat on Rachel's couch. She wasn't reading the magazine that was in her hands, rather trying to think of a way to bring up the assignment Dr. Fields had given her.
"So I got homework from my therapist," Brooke finally began deciding to just address the situation. Her tone trying to hint to Rachel the assignment was to be given little thought.
Lately it felt like Dr. Fields was asking more and more of her. Suddenly there were more goals to be met and maybe it was a sign of progress but it felt a little overwhelming at times.
Rachel lifted her own gaze from the television, "Well, what is it?"
"It's nothing big we just have these goals for what we want out of therapy and one of them is rebuilding positive beliefs about our self…It's really stupid but I have to ask all my friends and since I'm here I figured I'd get it over with."
"It's not stupid. We did something like it in rehab. So what am I supposed to do?" Rachel had set down the remote and was facing Brook fully. She knew this was an important step in recovery even if Brook wouldn't admit it.
Brooke shrugged feeling uncomfortable with the attention Rachel was giving her. It really was a silly exercise. She didn't need other people to rebuild her own self esteem but she had promised Dr. Fields she would at least talk to one of her friends before her next session and Rachel seemed like the one most likely to laugh it off with her and let her make up some story for Dr. Fields. Clearly she had been misguided.
"Come on…what does she want you to do?"
She took a deep breath and rolled her eyes to exaggerate the absurdity of the assignment, "I'm supposed to ask you to describe something about myself, something that I might not see in myself."
Dr. Fields had told her they were at a stage where they had to take more of an active role in the therapy. That the one on one interaction would not be enough to integrate the trauma into her life. She had originally thought the assignment a joke until Dr. Field's expression remained stern and Brooke's smile disappeared.
"Things you don't necessarily see in yourself…"
Brooke suddenly felt awkward as Rachel's expression grew even more serious and Brooke knew the redhead was taking Dr. Field's work very seriously.
"There are a lot things you don't see in yourself."
"Please Rachel. Don't you start too. Dr. Fields already thinks I have some inferiority complex."
Rachel gave a short dry laugh; "Well…" she began before meeting Brooke's eye and knowing not to continue, "Fine. Let's see," she took a breath to help give her a second to organize her thoughts, "First thing, you give selflessly."
"What does that mean, I give selflessly. Doesn't everyone do that?"
Rachel gave a quick shake of her head, there was no else she knew that gave the way Brooke did. With her whole heart, even when it was breaking.
"Most people give with the expectation that they will get something in return. It's always part of a plan to get something they want. You just give and expect nothing. You have sacrificed so much for other people Brooke. I don't think you have ever realized it…"
"I know what I've done Rachel. It was all things I wanted to do. I never wanted to be acknowledged for it. I just wanted the people I loved to be happy."
Her mind automatically drifted to Peyton and Lucas. She felt the familiar ache in her heart when her mind drifted to senior year of high school. Everything she had given up for the two people she loved the most in the world. It should have been enough.
"It isn't your responsibility to make sure everyone is happy, that's their own job. It is something people need to learn to do themselves."
"That doesn't even make sense Rachel. I knew this assignment was pointless."
Rachel watched as Brooke's posture changed to a protective huddle. She leaned against the back of the couch, her knees pulled in tightly. Brooke picked up the magazine and tried to distance herself from the conversation and the feelings it brought on. Rachel gave a small sigh, perhaps there was another approach.
"I know about the pills you flushed Brooke. Your doctor said she had given them to you to deal with your panic attacks. That most rape victims found it near impossible to function without them."
"Well, I'm not most people Rachel. I just didn't want to take those pills anymore."
"Yeah, well I think the reason you threw them out was because I moved in."
Brook's silence confirmed Rachel's inclination, "It's not that I don't appreciate the thought Brooke but I have to stand on my own two feet. I have to fight this addiction myself. I don't need you making sacrifices on my part Brooke."
"Well Rach, your scoreboard isn't doing too well. I leave you once and find you overdosed in my bathroom. Next time you run off and go God knows where. I'm sorry if me looking out for you is a drag. I just can't lose any of you guys," what started as a harsh criticism of Rachel's past actions ended in a defeated hush.
She had not meant to be so blunt but the words had escaped her mouth without a second thought and she had seen Rachel try to mask her hurt expression.
"I didn't meant that Rachel. I just, you have a history of picking up and leaving. Even before all this. Remember senior year?"
Rachel nodded understanding where the brunette was coming from, "Yeah, but that's who I am. You can't change that in me. I don't know how long I'll be here in Tree Hill but I promise you won't lose me like that again. I am never going down that path again." She didn't take offense to Brooke's statement; Rachel knew of Brooke's concern for disappearing friends.
Brooke uncurled herself from the wound position she was in and moved to the couch Rachel was on. She placed her head on the redhead's shoulder and their hands intertwined, "I know you are strong enough to get through your addiction. I guess tossing the pills let me feel more in control of the situation that I felt lost in," she closed her eyes, understanding that there was more to her actions than she wanted to admit to, "I guess thinking it was best for you let me stop thinking about the reasons I needed them. I could just ignore it all and take care of everyone else's needs."
Rachel gave her hand a squeeze, "At least you're admitting it. It's okay to do things for yourself. You have to do the things that make you happy. You can't go through all of life being a martyr."
She gave a small sigh, "It's what everyone expects. I don't want to let everyone down." She said it without a second thought, admitting that what Rachel said was the truth.
Maybe Peyton was always the victim and Lucas the hero. Martyr was the only role she had left to play.
"The only thing people want for you Brooke is that you're happy. Maybe it's time people made sacrifices for you. I won't ever be Peyton. I am not that kind of person and I know that isn't what you want from me. Our friendships are different. Dr. Fields wants you to rebuild your support network and maybe she needs to be a part of it. Peyton should know that what she wants isn't the most important thing in this situation and if she ever wants to mend your friendship she needs to be here now for you."
"I can't. Peyton left and she made it clear she didn't want me contacting her. I really hurt her leaving like I did Rachel. I was angry at first but if she did that to me…I'm sure I would have done the same thing."
"You and Peyton would do drastically different things. I know if the situation was reversed you'd be there for her. You didn't do anything wrong Brooke. You may have left and some people were hurt but you were doing what was best for you. At that time you thought that was the only way to heal, and you know different now but no one is in your shoes so no one can judge you for your decisions. Make Peyton know that. If you really need her she should come back to Tree Hill."
She wasn't used to asking others for help, asking others to accommodate her. But maybe Rachel was right. She had given Peyton the space she asked for and maybe it was time to now to ask Peyton for the help she needed in rebuilding her life.
"At least tell me you will seriously think about it."
She gave a slight nod of her head and picked up the magazine. She didn't make rushed decisions anymore. She'd think about it like Rachel had asked but the thought that maybe the people she loved would fail her again seemed too much a reality to ask for help just yet.
xxxx
Jaime cannon balled into the pool and Brooke smiled as a few drops splashed onto her. She sat on the edge, her pants rolled up to allow her to dip her feet into the cool water. It had been a day since her conversation with Rachel. Dr. Fields had been satisfied with her attempt at the assignment though she had also made it clear they were not done with the topic.
Jaime ran up the steps and out of the pool and embraced Haley, getting her slightly wet in the process. She smiled and ruffled his hair. She pointed Jaime towards Nathan before making her way around the pool and coming to a stop near Brooke. She sat down and rolled up pant legs just as Brooke had done.
"How're you doing?"
She remained quiet for a moment unsure how to respond. Things were getting better but there were still things in her life that were in complete disarray.
"I feel pretty good."
Jaime ran back over holding a hot dog in each hand, allowing her a distraction from the conversation, "Are both of those for you Mr. James Lucas Scott?"
He quickly shook his head, "One's for you Aunt Brooke. We think you're too skinny!"
She gave a laugh and took the hot dog from his hands, "Well thank you for your concern and I will make sure to eat lots of hotdogs."
"He didn't mean that," Haley laughed nervously and pulled Jaime towards her. She couldn't help but smile at Haley's expression of horror knowing her talkative son had once again shared a conversation he wasn't even supposed to have heard.
She shook her head to signal she was not offended by her godson's comments, "its ok Hales. I know you guys worry about me. No need to hide it."
She took a bite of the food and watched the reflection of the light on the water. For a moment it felt like her life was finally beginning to have some semblance of normalcy. She turned towards Haley who was still holding Jaime loosely. She was such a good mother. Even though she had not planned to have children so young Haley was a natural. It was a role she had fallen into but she had made sure to always provide the best for Jaime.
She thought of Angie and the decision to become a mother. She had taken it upon herself to find a child. Maybe that's why the agency had turned her down. Being a mother was something you could not force, it would happen with time.
She closed her eyes for a moment as her thoughts shifted to her short-lived pregnancy and the miscarriage. The child she wasn't sure she had even wanted. Suddenly she began to doubt her ability to be a good mother. The ease she had experienced with Angie overshadowed by the selfish actions she had undertaken. How could she make such mistakes? Pretending things would somehow work out didn't mean they would. She had killed that child and there was no pretending otherwise.
"What are you thinking about?"
Haley's voice brought her back to her surroundings, she looked over at Haley and noticed Jaime had gotten up and she hadn't even noticed, "Nothing…"
"You had that look on your face. What's going on?"
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Her fingers gripped the sides of the pool tightly, her knuckles turning white, keeping her mind focused on the moment and preventing her from thinking of the miscarriage and the past.
Finally she spoke, "You're just so good with Jaime. I just wonder if I'll be able to do it one day…"
"Of course you will Brooke. You're amazing with Jaime, and you gave Angie so much love."
She closed her eyes again; those were all things from the past. Before the attack and she learned her mother was basically incapable of loving her or anyone else. People always joked that in the end all women became their mothers and she feared that would be true. She had never loved anyone without hurting them, how could she love a child and ever expect it to be any different?
Haley noted the silence that had fallen between them. She believed Brooke's statement about feeling better but there were certainly things Brooke was not discussing and from her hesitation regarding motherhood Haley knew Victoria was involved. The woman had managed to destroy all the beliefs Brooke held about herself.
"Have you talked to Dr. Fields about Victoria?"
Brooke gave a quick shake of her head.
"Any reasons why you haven't?"
Brooke thought there were too many to list. It shouldn't hurt so much, she was sure of that. Victoria hadn't been in her life for so long it seemed impossible for her to wreak such havoc now.
"You know I never cared about her, or the fact that she was never there for me. I had Peyton and Momma Sawyer," She looked towards Haley finding the words easy to say with Haley's comforting gaze upon her, "I didn't even know I was missing something until Anna passed away. Peyton and I stayed in bed for two straight weeks. I knew then I would never feel anything resembling the love I felt towards Anna for my own mother. And I just accepted it. How did I get to a place where a woman I have no emotional connection to would be able to hurt me so bad?"
Haley scooted towards the brunette and pulled her in a lose hug, reassuring her that her comments were not irrational. A mother was always a mother; there was no way to deny that fact. Even if Brooke had never acknowledged a connection or longing for her mother, it existed and it ran deeper than she wanted to admit. Haley would do anything for her family. Victoria seemed to function in a manner completely opposite.
"You know Victoria's actions have nothing to do with you. There was never anything wrong with you that made her that way Brooke."
She nodded slowly allowing herself to really believe Haley's words. Perhaps Dr. Field's constant assurance that she was not at fault were having some effect.
And within seconds of the thought she suddenly she felt vulnerable with Haley at her side. She had just shared her feeling about Victoria and she could only imagine what Haley was thinking.
Did she pity her for such an unusual childhood? She had basically acknowledged that she had never really known a mother's love. As much as she cared for Anna she could never be her true mother. Peyton was no longer her sister and the memory of Anna didn't feel like it was even rightfully her's anymore. What would Anna think of the way she had treated her friends? She had hurt the only family she had ever known.
"I got to go Haley. Thanks for the invite…" She got up quickly and grabbed a towel Haley had brought out earlier.
"Brooke, you don't have to leave yet. Things are just getting started." She tried to ease the tension that had suddenly erupted between the two of them but Brooke continued to furiously put her things away.
"I just can't…" Brooke's voice cracked slightly as she put on her shoes. This was not how she imagined the day going but the topic of Victoria had caused the panic to rise in the pit of her stomach again.
She didn't want to feel this again. She didn't want to constantly face the doubt of whether she was at fault when it came to everything that had happened with Victoria. It seemed all too easy to put the blame on the other woman and consider herself innocent in the situation. Whatever part she may have played she wanted to ignore it all. It felt like enough to have addressed the attack and she wanted to truly ignore everything else. She no longer was having panic attacks, and she was sleeping through the night. It seemed like she was fixed enough to live a normal life. She would just forever close the door on having a normal relationship with anyone. She would only hurt them, just as Victoria had hurt her, she was sure.
Jaime came running towards her with two cookies in his hands. His smile quickly faltered when he realized she was leaving.
"You didn't even go swimming Aunt Brooke."
She pulled him into a hug, "I know but I have some important things to get done…There'll be lots of warm days for us to enjoy the pool…okay?"
He gave her a small smile, the disappointment still visible in his eyes, "Promise?"
"Yeah buddy." She wondered if she would keep the promise.
He clung to her tightly a few moments longer than expected and she felt the doubts fade slightly. Whatever she had done wrong in the past seemed irrelevant as the little boy in front of her showed how deep his concern for her ran. Each time he saw her, she saw his eyes flicker with hope that she would return to being the same Godmother with passion in her eyes.
She said goodbye to Nathan and Haley and walked quickly to her car. She was so uncertain about how to move forward. There had been some relief from discussing the things she had ignored for so long but there was the ever present fear that if she did admit to it all there would be too much to fix. Too many strings to keep tied together. How could anyone guarantee it would be better?
She was nearly at her car when Haley caught up with her.
"Brooke, wait a minute."
She exhaled calmly before turning to face the brunette. Her expression masking any emotion that had fluttered to the surface moments ago.
"Hales, I'm running late and…"
Haley shook her head, telling Brooke her excuses were unnecessary, "Its okay. I understand if you need time to process it all but don't doubt your ability to be a mom Brooke. Whatever happened in the past doesn't change the fact that you have an amazing heart. You have a lot to give to others. Just remember that."
Their eyes met and Brooke felt the panic in her chest settle. All these people believed in her, believed she had something left to give.
"Thanks Haley. I think I needed to hear that."
"I thought maybe you did. I have to get back in…are you sure you don't want to stay a bit? Lucas and Skillz should be here soon."
She gave a quick shake of her head, "I do have some things to get to today but I'll come by later. Thanks for everything Hales."
Haley gave Brooke a long hug before walking back inside. She waved once from the front step and Brooke returned the gesture as she got into her car.
She took a breath as the realization spread through her. She didn't want to be an empty shell of a person. She wanted to provide all those who cared for her with love somehow. They deserved that much after everything they had given her. She closed her eyes, relaxing in the seat. They had taken leaps in rebuilding the friendships she once thought were forever destroyed. They seemed hell-bent on proving she wouldn't be alone again and she had started to believe in their actions. She was sure life would be easier if she let them in once again.
She had even trusted Haley enough today to talk about her childhood. Even if she wasn't willing to acknowledge it maybe things had changed. Her reasons for fleeing and Victoria's words now almost a distant memory. She was stronger now and maybe she was finally ready to confront the monsters she had kept locked inside her own mind. Maybe it was time to take control of her own recovery.
xxxx
The call went straight to voice mail as expected and Brooke tapped her foot nervously. She contemplated hanging up and pretending she had never picked up the phone. Instead she remained steadfast in her decision and waited for the monotone woman to finish telling her how to leave a message her friend may not even hear.
She took a breath and began knowing 30 seconds was not enough time to tell Peyton all her thoughts but she had to at least try.
"Hey Peyton. It's me, I know you said you would call when you were ready to talk but that doesn't really work for me. We always said we'd be there for each other, no matter what. And I need you. That should be all that matters."
She hung up the phone quickly. She had said all she could before the nauseous feelings overcame her. She couldn't bear to think what she would do if Peyton didn't reply. She hated the uncertainty of it all. She had always tried to be the best friend possible to Peyton and now she was left to wonder whether it would be enough to bring the blonde home.
xxxx
And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire
xxxx
Song credit Colbie Caillat "One Fine Wire"
Peyton will make an appearance, though it will be in a few chapters. There are some other things going on which will take precedence. Expect some Brucas bonding and Jaime in the next chapter. Hope you enjoyed the update!
Thank you once again for reviewing and supporting this story. It is a favorite to write and helps keep the Brucas fire burning in my heart! Please review if you have a moment. Thanks.