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xxxx
Wasn't it the pain
That brought us together
Wasn't it the heartache
That brought me to you
Wasn't it the look
That you saw in my eyes
That told you
I knew what you'd been through
xxxx
She took a few quick breaths outside the tinted door. The windows of the store had been papered so that no light could enter and a fear crept into her that the darkness within the store held something more menacing. That inside the man who had already taken so much from her was waiting to tear her world to pieces once again.
For a moment she thought of going back. Maybe it was too much and too soon. But then Lucas's hand found hers and the tension quickly faded. No one could hurt her while she was with Lucas. He had promised to keep her safe and she had come far enough to once again believe his words.
"We don't have to do this today Brooke. Just coming here was a big step."
She shook her head, it wasn't enough. She knew she was strong enough and it was time to truly put this part of her life in the past.
"You have the key, right?"
He nodded hesitantly, fishing it out of his pocket. The store had gone back into Karen's name when the lease she had signed was terminated by Victoria. Lucas had told her that Karen had not known what to do with the place and decided to wait and see what would come of it all.
"Are you sure?" He asked again and noticed that his own hands were trembling slightly. He thought back to the night at Tric, worried that this time he would not be able to shake her from the terrifying memory of that night.
"Yeah Luke," she gave his hand a squeeze to reassure him she was there with him.
He let go of her hand for a moment, twisting the key in the lock and opening the store. He opened the door, allowing the light of the setting sun to enter. She took a step forward, around him, and into the building. She found the light switch and flipped it on.
Her breath seemed to be caught in her chest again. She closed her eyes and counted down from ten. She opened her eyes and the nervousness she had felt began to slowly fade away. There was no one there, the fear that she had felt evaporating into nothingness once again.
She took a few steps in to the dimly lit shop. It had been one of the happiest days of her life when the space she stood in had been transformed into the store she managed on her own.
Standing there now she felt something entirely different. It felt like a foreign place that she no longer knew like the back of her hand. The corners sharper, the windows smaller, the colors more muted.
Somehow, even with all the changes it still echoed of the past. She thought of everything she had accomplished in the space instead of the negative. She remembered that it had been much more than a store; it was where she had spent so many hours with her friends in high school and after her return to Tree Hill. It was where she had designed fashion lines that went on to sell millions around the world. Where her dreams of being independent and successful had first come true.
Luke's hand came to rest on her shoulder and he squeezed her shoulder softly. He was still there for her but giving her the space she needed. She turned to give him a small smile to reassure him she was truly alright.
She walked further into the store, a renewed sense of empowerment filling her. This place wouldn't take away from her progress. It only fortified her belief that she was moving forward with her life.
She came to stand behind the counter. Her hands running across the smooth surface.
"Thank you for trusting I was ready Lucas," she paused for a moment, deciding how much of what she was experiencing to share with him.
He had come all this way and he had held her hand when the panic had risen in her chest, he deserved to know, she decided. "I was a little overwhelmed at first. I had this irrational fear that my attacker would be here…" His eyes met hers and she saw concern reflected back, "But once I stepped foot in here Lucas those thoughts faded away. All I could think was how much this place used to mean to me. It isn't the same place I used to love but it is no place I need to fear either. This isn't going to own me any longer."
She shook her head with quiet resolve. It seemed silly but she felt like she finally had some worth. She mattered and what she did with her life mattered.
And with the realization a wave of sorrow overcame her. That though she was strong enough to get past this she was still different. That working through her rape did not mean the pieces of her life could fall neatly back into place. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself unsure of what to make of it all.
"Hey, are you okay?"
He had noticed the way her body had gone from relaxed to stiff in a matter of seconds. The ease she had entered the store now replaced with uncertainty.
"What's going on?" he leaned across the counter and brushed her hand. He quickly pulled both her hands into his own finding them ice cold, "Brooke, look at me, what's going on?"
She turned her gaze upward and met his eyes. She wished he could calm her like before but this realization stung more than anything in the past.
She shook her head softly but found his hands unmoving, he would not let her pretend everything was alright was it was not.
It was a bittersweet moment. She had overcome the trauma that had ripped her life apart but she was different. She would never be the same person she was before the attack.
She had always known but there was hope in the back of her mind that maybe she could overcome it, that maybe the person she used to be was simply hidden under layers of falsehoods. But she knew now that after all the effects of her trauma she was forever transformed into someone different. Before today she could pretend that one day she might live her life like before but it could never happen.
"I guess I was a little naïve coming here."
His eyes filled with confusion and she knew he worried that coming to the store had overturned her progress in therapy. She wanted to reassure him that the progress remained, rather this was an epiphany regarding the person she was now.
"It comes with a price. Knowing I am not defined by the rape or by Victoria. I thought I could be the person I used be but I can't Lucas. All this time I've been focusing on getting back to that place. I wanted to cut the attack out of my life, pretend that things with Victoria were the way they always had been. But they aren't. Dr. Fields told me I would carry this and I thought that eventually I wouldn't. That I could talk it all over and put it all behind me. But I can't. Things weren't perfect before. I wasn't happy and I guess I've realized that now."
"I don't understand…"
She knew he believed that after all the therapy, by facing the emotional neglect from her parents, constructing a complete memory of the attack she would be able to return to being the girl he had written about all those years ago.
"Dr. Fields said I would mourn someone when I faced the attack. I was so rigid in my perception then that I didn't understand. I guess I know now I'm mourning myself. Brooke Davis who graduated from high school, who founded a multi-million dollar company from her apartment, who thought she had the world in her hands. But I know it isn't the end. That I'm someone new and stronger now."
Lucas watched in awe of the woman before him. She had come so far in the past few months. Her view of the world had changed and along with it so had she. But somehow he still saw what she seemed to miss. It was how she survived everything she had faced.
"You are different Brooke but you are still everything I saw in you all those years ago."
She arched an eyebrow not seeing the commonalities she still shared with her past self.
"You have always been independent, brilliant, beautiful and brave. You will always be those things and they aren't something hidden away. I see them every time I look at you."
She turned her head away, the tears returning now. She never felt independent with Lucas, she felt like she needed him and she still worried what would happen when he stopped needing her. She had allowed herself too much dependence upon him.
How could she have been so impractical as to begin to rebuild her life with Lucas still in it? With Lucas being a pillar of support in it. He was Peyton's rock, Peyton's shoulder, Peyton's strength. Not hers. And yet here she was relying on his so deeply it seemed like second nature to have him near.
She was brought back to the moment when Lucas's hand ran along her cheek. She had not even noticed him move around the counter and come to a stand next to her.
She took a shaky breath, closing her eyes.
"I care about you so much Brooke."
His mouth was at her ear, causing the hair on her neck to rise but in a good way. In a way she felt alive. She missed her heart racing at the sound of Lucas's voice. She had forgotten what it felt like to feel vulnerable and safe all at the same time.
His lips found hers seconds later and she melted into him. Her body closing the space between them and he dutifully supported her weight against his.
It was the first time they had kissed since the night they had slept together. As much as she depended upon him she made sure to not get involved physically. She thought she could keep Lucas out of her heart if she managed to keep sex out of the equation. Yet here she was wanting more from him than ever before.
She pulled away from him, her mental reasoning returning after some lapse.
"We can't do this," she inhaled quickly and restated the words, "I can't do this."
She did love Lucas, and she always would, just as she had told him but this decision was not related to him at all. She knew how destructive their past together had been and she wouldn't risk it all again.
She grabbed her purse from the counter and began to walk out. She was half way down the block when Lucas gently tugged her arm to stop.
"Brooke, I didn't say I wanted to do anything."
She avoided his eyes; she always lost her strength looking into them.
"You don't have to say anything Lucas. I know where this goes and it never ends well for me."
"Brooke," he placed his hands on her shoulders, her arms already crossed in a protective stance, she had nowhere to look but at him now, "I think I'm falling in love with you."
She took a sharp inhale of breath at his words. They were unexpected to say the least. She had feared he would do this, that he would mistake what they had for love like all those years ago. Lucas Scott didn't love her, he was just confused.
He took a step towards her, trying to close the gap between them. She pushed him away with as much force she could muster. He stumbled slightly and began to move forward again, and she knew what he was going to say. She wouldn't let him say it again, this time with more conviction she knew he had merely convinced himself he had.
"You can't do this to me. I don't want you to love me." She took a step away from him, growing frustrated with his closeness.
"Just listen to me."
"No, just leave me alone Lucas. This isn't what I need right now."
Her voice was cracking and Lucas knew this wasn't the time to push her, "Fine, what do you need?"
"I need you to leave now. I can't be around you."
He sighed, he didn't want to leave her but he knew the situation was not getting any better and she was only getting more frantic.
"I can't leave you. It's the middle of the night; we're on a deserted street."
She looked at her hands and realized she was shaking. Somehow she had forgotten where she was and what she had been doing.
She pulled out her cell phone, her voice further cracking and when the sleepy voice on the other end picked up she lost it again. Her voice barely came out through the tears but somehow she got her message across.
"Can you come pick me up?"
Haley noticed Brooke's stressed tone and quickly sat up, her attention turned to the hurting brunette, "Of course, are you okay?"
Brooke hesitated for a moment, "Yeah, I am, I just need you to come get me."
"Where are you?"
"Down the street from Clothes over Bro."
"Are you sure you're okay?" Brooke noted the panic in Haley's voice after hearing her location.
"Yeah, I'm safe Haley. I just need you to hurry."
xxxx
Lucas watched Brooke on the phone moving a little further down the street. She was within distance that if need be he could help her but it was clear from everything she would not take him approaching her again well.
He had not meant to blurt it out like that. His feelings towards her had been growing since she had returned. He was sure he had never stopped feeling that way for her, rather that his feelings had lain dormant all these years. He remembered how easily she had told him she loved him nearly a year ago and he had responded so readily. There had been no hesitation, he should have known then but she seemed to brush off his reply so easily he thought maybe those feelings did mean nothing.
He knew he was wrong now. That ease meant everything. But he couldn't do anything about it right now.
Instead he stood distantly from her, in silence for ten long minutes before he saw Nate's black SUV approach.
Brooke walked to the passenger side of the car and climbed in with no signal to him at all. He ran a hand through his own hair, cursing his own actions. He really should have known better than to bring up his feelings at a time like this but he knew they were true. He couldn't keep denying the way he felt.
He walked towards his car; tomorrow he would sort this out and find a way to prove to Brooke he meant the words he said.
xxxx
She had managed to stop crying but she was still visibly shaken when Haley arrived to pick her up. Revisiting the store had been stressful enough and having Lucas say he loved her had drained her of her remaining strength.
"What happened?" Haley's voice inquired as they began to drive away from Lucas's figure on the Tree Hill streets.
She shook her head, "I can't talk about it right now. I'm just too angry and hurt and I know I'm not thinking straight."
"Yeah, it's okay Brooke. We'll just go home; Nathan's getting the guest bedroom ready. We can figure it out in the morning."
Brooke gave a sigh of relief, "Thanks Haley."
Haley remained silent thinking of the millions of scenarios which may have led Brooke to her current state. She wanted to ask again but knew better. They would talk in the morning and hopefully she would be able to help Brooke through whatever was going on in her life.
xxxx
What if it's just me
I can't keep it together
What if it's too much
Too much for me to take
What if I want you
Just to walk away
From all the pain
We have both been through
Cause I've been hidin'
All my life and
I've been tryin
To keep me safe but
I've been healin
I've been thinkin
I am ready
Finally for something more
Than this
xxxx
Keri Noble
I'm sorry for the delay. I have been out of the country for a few weeks and with very limited internet access. Hopefully this update will be enough to keep everyone tied over until I am fully connected again.
Thank you for reading and please review if you have a moment, I really appreciate each one.
Ps. If you have a moment check out Keri Noble. She is a great female vocalist (and her song "Emily" was featured on Grey's). One of my favorites.