Hello, y'all! I am back, with a more lighthearted offering this time! Just saw Planet of the Dead, and I just HAD to write this. C'mon, you know you were thinking it too.

EDIT: So, yeah, I turned the 'female Doctor' thing into its own story. You can find it on my profile, it's called 'Days Like Crazy Paving' and it's up to three chapters now. (shameless self promotion)

"Heee- yaahh!" Christina yelled as she revved the bus into action. With a protesting grumbling it lurched into the air, motor screaming. Through the rear-view mirror Christina could see the security guards piling onto the roof, but without helicopters there was no way they could come after her. She stuck her arm out the window and made a rude gesture. "OH YEAH!"

Suddenly, the protesting bus made a vworp vworp sound and jolted forward- and sudeenly they weren't in the clear blue Parisian sky anymore but rather in some swirling mad psychedelic vortex of doomy doom, getting tossed around like crazy. "AAAAGH!" Christina screamed, the bus' antics throwing her forward across the dashboard. With a burping noise, the bus threw itself out of the vortex and into somewhere bright and sunny and loud, and settled down with a smug kind of contentment.

"Frick!" Lady Christina muttered. "Where the bloody hell are we?" She forced open the door and half jumped, half fell out of the bus. They were in some kind of muddy field, and some kind of concert was going on. Blearily she recognized Janis Joplin's voice... wait. What? Blinking, she looked around. Oh dear. She could recognize it from pictures... She pulled herself back into the bus. "Woodstock?" she whispered loudly. "You have got to be kidding me!"

"Oooh!" said a wheezy old voice from the back of the bus. "Is that dear ole Janis I hear out there? Good old Janis. She gave me a bottle of beer once, and a free record! Much better than a nasty ole coat if you ask me."

"Who's that?" Christina asked. She made her way cautiously towards the back of the bus. "Hello?"

An old lady stuck her head up from behind the back seats. "Oh, hello dearie!" she cackled cheerfully. She was wearing a big red felt hat with what looked like rather crumpled ostrich feathers stuck in. "Now what's a nice young lady like yourself doing on board my old busie?"

"My name is Lady Christina de Souza," Christina announced as regally as she could, "and I wasn't aware it was your bus. I rather thought it was mine." Dropping the regal manner she asked, "And how did you get on it anyway?"

"Never got off," the old lady said cheerfully, getting to her feet with a few pops and groans. "Been back here for mebbe a month, sleeping off that awful hangover."

"A month?" Christina asked, incredulous. "You just slept through the wormhole and that other planet and all my daring flying heists?"

"It was one hell of a hangover," the old woman said wistfully. She held out her hand. "Iris Wildthyme, mistress of the magical bus," she said cheerfully, "nice to meet ya, Lady Christina!"

Christina looked at the hand and didn't take it. "I'm not leaving the bus," she said firmly. "You can't kick me out. The Doctor gave me this bus."

"Oh, just like him!" Iris said, offended. Then she laughed. "What do you do for a living, dearie?"

"Oh, I liberate immensely valuable historical artifacts," she said coolly.

"Oh, excellent!" Iris cackled. "How would you like to be my faithful travelin' companion, Lady Christina?"

Christina thought about it.

"You could liberate stuff from other planets," Iris offered.

"Oh, ok," Christina said. "But you have to let me drive sometimes."

"Only if you're a very good girl," Iris said, plunking herself down in the driver's seat. "Oh, my poor busie, what have they done to you... ah!" Flicking a tiny switch, she got her fingernails under the dashboard and with a heave and a grunt, she swung the entire dashboard out on greased rails, where it folded up and stored itself somewhere. Underneath was a vast array of blinking lights and big red buttons and handy switches. "Here we gooooo!" she cried, pulling a lever, and with an awful groaning screech they threw themselves into the vortex.