A/N: Important note: Forks is not the tiny, three-thousand people town as it is in canon. Nor is it the six-hundred-thousand people town of Seattle. (Think somewhere between...more than thirty-thousand, but less than sixty-thousand, and no 60-floor skyscrapers either.) Many thanks to Salix caprea for reminding me of that little detail! You're a doll, doll! :)
Many thanks also to my darling iponnedyou, for not only beta-ing this baby, but putting up with me and such randomness that includes an outburst about Angelina Jolie's headlights. Lol! The dear is wonderfully amazing, truly. Oh, and she's also made a thread on Twilighted for Shopward! Or, er, for this story. The link's on my profile so go check it out, I'll post teasers there. :P
The ears are for you, Gracie Lou. ;) Cause you are wonderful.
Disclaimer: I do not own SM's character's names. Nor her unfortunate initials...
*** Bella's POV
Greenheart, oh dear Greenheart, I need your help. First off, I know we've never discussed age, but in order for this plea of help to make sense and not have me sound like I am nothing but a complete idiot, you need to know I've not exactly been around the block. That is to say, I'm young (though above legal drinking age, in case you may have been wondering). And quite possibly stupid. Regardless, to the point, yes? Have you ever met someone you simply instantly dislike? You can't really write out a page of ten reasons WHY you dislike said person, yet you do. In my case, I happen to work with this person, therefore leaving me without the option to just avoid and/or ignore them. Now to the part where I need your help. What on NSync's multi-platinum earth do I DO? I've never precisely encountered such a problem. Not to say that everyone I've ever met has always liked me, I'm not that naïve and disillusioned. But on those other occasions, I could easily avoid and most usually ignore the person. Unfortunately, such is not the case this time.
I'm afraid I have to cut this shorter than I'd initially intended due to the fact that my brother is currently jumping up and down as though he's a three year old, demanding I take the cupcakes I'd baked out of the oven this instant so he can have one. And if I want this letter to get to you as soon as possible, I need to have it in the mailbox before our bad-tempered postman, who waits for no one to take two seconds to lick a stamp, arrives.
Wishing a key lime cupcake would mail well,
Belletrist
"Okay, stairs first then juggling," I mumbled to myself as I almost tripped down the stairs in front of my house. I reached the bottom and resumed my attempt at balancing a frosted cupcake, a cup of coffee, my current read, my vibrating cell phone, my purse and the lip gloss I was trying to put back in my purse.
Suffice it to say it was not working.
Annnd, the book was down. Followed by the lip gloss.
"Shit shit, shit a brick!" I glanced from my coffee to the ground, judging and deliberating for a second before deciding.
I really liked that lip gloss.
"Okay, alright, not good." Coffee on the hand, hot coffee on the hand. Hot coffee on the hand holding the still vibrating phone.
"Excuse me?" someone passing by me on the sidewalk asked, sounding shocked. Ha, idiot thought I was talking to them. Right. Because a woman bent over in a possibly-too-short-for-this-kind-of-maneuver skirt with coffee, cupcake, and phone in one hand, purse falling off shoulder and down other arm as it strained to potentially release all its many contents, and reaching to the ground for a book and tube of lip gloss would be talking to your random stranger ass.
"Keep it moving, Mrs. Fletcher."
My middle finger curled around the tube of lip gloss, index and thumb closing around the book.
Score!
Straightening back up, I dropped the lip gloss into my purse (first things first, lest we have a repeat incident), tucked the book under my arm, and switched my phone to the other hand.
Still vibrating. Appears undamaged.
I licked some coffee off the screen, preparing to answer what was obviously a very important phone call since the caller hadn't stopped calling from the moment I'd stepped out the door.
And then I looked at my phone, really looked.
Cue the freezing. Of me.
You know those moments where you're just too...too...whatever to kick the conveniently placed potted plant beside your foot or even swear up and down both sides of the Empire State Building? Yeah, this was one of those moments.
All the juggling had initially started because my phone vibrated. Therefore, all the trouble that went with and happened after the juggling, was also due to my phone vibrating.
The cause of the vibrating?
Calendar appointment: Don't Be Late For Work
No words.
No. Fledging. Words.
I shoved my phone more roughly than it deserved (after all, I was the one who'd made the stupid reminder in the first place) into my purse. And felt something cold, wet and sticky brush the underside of my forearm.
Green-tinted, coconut-flavored frosting. On my arm. And my shirt. And a little in my hair.
Peachy. Just a perfectly peachy way to start the day.
Snorting at my own mind's ridiculous rhyme, I licked the frosting off my arm. No reason to let a little frosting ruin my whole day.
Fuck, I made tastily excellent frosting.
As I began the convenient (oh blessed luck, how I love thee) few block walk to The River Divot, and made a mental note to ask someone what the hell was up with that name, the rest of the frosting disappeared. Well, and the cupcake too.
I was halfway there when I felt the slight buzzing feeling in my purse strap, signaling my phone was yet again vibrating. After debating for a moment, I just dug it out.
Calendar appointment: Don't Forget To Bring Lunch
Really, Bella? I mean, really?
This was what I got for sitting on the couch watching a lame-ass Hallmark movie with my phone in reach.
Why in the grease-lovin' world were people always complaining about price guns?
I punched another sticker onto a random object, fighting a childish urge to giggle.
Holey socks on sale this was fun!
"Nice price gun you got there. Would you like to see mine?"
I whipped to face the voice, surprised at what I saw standing there. A big man, easily football-star size, with broad shoulders and an equally broad (yet not chubby) midsection. Large arms sprouted off him, going along with his large legs. Though I didn't really go for the type this size, his face was cute, somehow negating the meanness his size suggested with a teddy-bear-ish look, substantial (but adorable nonetheless) ears, and a tamed head of unexpected brown curls.
When my examination reached his eyes, light brown in color, he winked.
"Shouldn't you be out shirking your delivery duties in favor of making out, Emmett?"
Startled yet again by an unanticipated voice, I turned my head sharply to the right, looking over my shoulder. I found Edward there, surprised yet again to find slight annoyance written across his face. I was more surprised though to realize I'd recognized his annoyance.
Behold! The Donkey can display emotion!
As cheers from a fake crowd echoed in my head, I refocused my attention on Burly Bear. "So you're Emmett?"
He crossed his arms over his chest, imitating smugness I knew straight off the bat wasn't legit, and leaned back. Only...whatever he thought was behind him that he could lean on wasn't there. So instead, catching himself off guard, he toppled clumsily backward and righted himself a hair before he fell to the floor.
My lips were already mashed together to keep from laughing at the episode, but when I saw his embarrassed flush, my shoulders shook with restrained amusement.
"I take it you've heard of me?" he continued our conversation as if he hadn't just blundered.
"Some," I admitted, grinning widely.
Edward butted in, sounding exasperated, "Don't you have some sort of work to do, Emmett?"
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
Much to my shock, I literally heard Edward's teeth grind. "Hitting on the new girl, while, by the by, you already have a girlfriend, is not part of your job."
"Aww, did wittle Eddy Weddy wake up on de wong side of de bed dis more-nin'?" Emmett teased in baby-talk, his voice ridiculously pitched.
I only had a moment to fight back laughter before Edward, face once again set in that annoyingly unreadable way, pushed by me. His side brushed rudely with my shoulder (effing tall people!) as he passed.
"Stop flirting with your coworker and get back to work, Bella."
Muttering after him so low I could barely hear what I was saying, I turned back to my price gun.
"Don't pay any attention to him. He's just mad still because I stole his Gucci bag."
"Huh?"
Emmett waved his hand, a rather huge hand, I noted, dismissively at me. "Just making a joke to that display of Edward's woman-moodiness."
"Ahh." I chuckled briefly before happily slapping five cans of spray-paint with price stickers in rapid succession.
"Well, I've got to get going. I'll see you later, Bella, was it?"
"Y–yeah. How did you know that?" Maybe because Edward just said your name not five seconds ago, you idiot.
"I know all." Emmett winked. "We'll have to find you a suitable nickname there, Bella." And with the haunting possibility of all the things such an odd hulk of a man could come up with, I was left alone to my price-gun-shooting.
"Did you just meet Emmett?"
I jumped at the voice coming from behind me, spinning around to face its owner. "Oh for the love of all things—"
"Sexy?" Alice giggled.
"No! And what the...frick," I decided on after a slight pause, "is up with all these people sneaking up on me today?"
Alice's mouth opened a little. "Who's sneaking up on you?"
"You, for one."
She laughed. "I like you, Bella. You're a hoot!"
"Yeah yeah, whatever," I muttered, turning to resume my work with the price gun.
"Soo...Emmett?"
"Yeah, what about him?"
"Did you just meet him?"
"Yep."
"Annnd?"
"And you're a really nosy person, aren't you?" I didn't say it in a mean way, more in a wondering and hey-cool-I'm-starting-to-figure-out-slash-understand-you way.
Alice lifted her chin, appearing playfully snooty. "I like to call it concerned." With that she started to back away. "I'll hit you up for details and info," she coughed, "I mean impressions and opinions later."
I have fallen into some twisted version of a comedy hour. I just know it.
And yet...I am not running in the other direction screaming.
In fact, I kinda like it.
You've got issues, Bella. Serious issues.
"Lunch, lunch, luh-unch," I sang under my breath to myself, resisting the urge to throw a little skip in my walk.
What did I bring for lunch again?
Still pondering that, as well as why I couldn't actually remember what I'd brought for lunch, I headed straight for the break room.
"No no no, we need to...ya know, with a nice, vibrant cerise."
"Cerise? No way!"
"Ha, I knew hanging around me long enough would end up with my color knowledge rubbing off on you."
That was definitely Alice's voice and the other kind of sounded like...
"Blah blah, shut up. We are not going through with this with cerise."
Emmett?
I peeked only my head around the jamb of the door to the break room, angling toward where the voices sounded like they were coming from.
"What is so wrong with cerise? Huh?" Alice's hands were gesturing with each thing she said.
Emmett's were doing the same, making both of them look as though they came from the same 'we-like-gesturing-with-our-hands-to-further-emphasize-our-point' parents. "It's...it's girly!"
"She is a girl!" Alice put her hands, palm out, in the direction of Emmett as she spoke. I wasn't sure what that was supposed to emphasize though. 'Please understand the point I'm trying to make'? 'You are such an idiot, I don't know why I even bother talking to you'? Or maybe just 'Aargh'?
"Well, uh," Emmett scratched one of his on-the-large-side-yet-totally-cute ears with one of his big hands, "I guess you got a point there."
Alice crossed her arms, appearing completely smug.
"I still don't think we should decorate it though!"
Decorate? Decorate what? What the hell were they even talking about?
"Ugh." She uncrossed her arms, instead placing them on her hips. "And why is that?"
Emmett shrugged. "I don't know. Cause I just don't want to?"
Alice laughed. "Alright, at least you're honest." It was Emmett's turn to look smug now. "But," Alice cut off his smugness by raising her index finger at him, "don't think that just automatically means we'll do what you suggested."
"And why not?" Emmett shifted as he said it, and my eyes finally took in where they were standing. I could see the pink residue over steel gray even from my vantage point.
"Cause it's stupid and just a little bit mean."
"It is not mean!"
"It also won't help with what my initial reasoning behind any of this was."
Emmett didn't say anything, staring at Alice.
"To completely get rid of the gum traces, remember?" Alice hands had never stopped motioning.
I was torn between being touched that these people, whom I'd known one week and the other two hours, wanted to do something about my locker, and annoyed that they hadn't included me in whatever they were planning on doing to my locker.
What if I didn't like cerise? Whatever the hell kind of color that was.
"Yeah yeah, I remember now." Both Emmett's hands brushed the air dismissively. "But still. We could thoroughly clean it and then—"
"But it'll still be plain if we do that," Alice cut him off.
"She can decorate it herself after that." Emmett shrugged.
I could tell by the lack of instant response that Alice was considering Emmett's words.
"Okay, you have a point there, but I still don't think it'd be exactly nice if we—"
Emmett cut her off this time, further making them seem like siblings. Or at least people who spent a lot of time around each other. "Oh come on! A prank for the newcomer is a classic!"
"True. But I like Bella and I don't want to her to be mad at us or anything..."
"Aw," Emmett put a hand on Alice's shoulder, patting it, "it's cute to see you worried." He laughed and removed his hand.
Alice seemed to ignore his last comment. "I still think we should decorate it ourselves."
Emmett sighed in what came off as playful annoyance. "Whatever, midget. I still think a springy snake and a bowl of pudding would be so much better."
Pudding? What in the world would he do with a bowl of pudding in a prank?
"What are you doing?"
I jumped at the voice, close to my ear. "Ahhh!"
I expected The Donkey to be there with a disapproving frown all over his face, but instead it was Jasper, a confused and puzzled look furrowing his eyebrows and forehead.
Umm..."Getting lunch?" Way to make your explanation sound confident, truthful and assured, Bella.
"Is your break over, Alice?" Jasper asked into the break room, thankfully ignoring my pathetic reasoning as he walked by me.
"Mmhmm," Alice nodded. I had to give her credit for only looking mildly guilty and deer-totally-caught-in-the-high-beams.
"Hello again, Bella." Emmett, on the other hand, didn't look guilty or caught-red-handed at all. He picked something up off the table, shoved it in his mouth, and headed out into the rest of the store. "Goshago. Thee ooh all waiter," he mumbled with a mouth full of whatever he was eating.
Alice chewed delicately on the nail of her left ring finger when he'd disappeared. "How, er, long had you been standing there, Bella?"
Moment of truth: go with the truth, or not and let her think I had no idea what she was planning?
Or, go with the vague and hopefully confusing answer?
"Thanks for defending me against a prank." I smiled at her. "I like pudding, but only when it goes directly into my mouth."
She stopped biting her nail and let out a breath. "I know I've said this before, but I'm still really sorry about the inside of the locker. We knew Maggie left her gum on the outside of the locker, and she got in trouble a lot for that, but we had no idea the inside was that bad until she left..."
Wielding a rather non-pointy stick, I fought off the images of what my locker must have looked like before they'd given it its initial cleaning. "It's not like it's your fault, Alice."
Releasing another loud breath, she turned to Jasper. Who I'd sort of forgot had been standing there the whole time.
Why so quiet, Surfer Boy?
"Are you on lunch break now?" Alice asked him.
He hummed acknowledgement and pulled a Mountain Dew from the mini fridge.
Which reminded me...
I crossed to my locker, ignoring the traces of gum still stuck to the front, and pulled my lunch baggie out.
Cheese puffs, orange slices, and—
"PB and J!"
Silence broken by a quiet snicker had me remembering I wasn't exactly alone.
"Excited about your lunch there, Bella?" Jasper teased, a playful light flickering in his eyes.
"Um," I felt embarrassment at my outburst flame quietly up into my cheeks, "yes. I'd forgotten I'd packed peanut butter and jelly today..."
"What about you, Jazz?" Alice wondered, lingering near the doorway as though she didn't really want to leave. "What did you pack today?"
Still standing by the mini fridge, Jasper shrugged and reached back into it, pulling out a Subway bag. "Subway Club on parmesan oregano bread."
My eyes narrowed in complete jealousy. I had a lame-o PB and J on white Wonderbread, and he had a Subway Club.
Fucker.
"Oh and hey," Jasper pulled something else out of the fridge. "Is this yours, Bella?"
I stared at the can of grape soda, wishing it were easier to stay mad at Jasper for having packed a better lunch than me.
"Yeah, it is." Maybe my devious alternate personality had snuck in a chocolate snack pack, and my pathetic lunch could be salvaged.
As I walked out of the break room, sufficiently ending my lunch break as well, my phone vibrated in my pocket.
Whatcha up toooo?
**Big Bad Wolf**
I rolled my eyes at my brother's ridiculous signature, typing him a hasty reply.
Working, beefbrain.
Mmm, beef. Can we have that for din?
**Big Bad Wolf**
Ignoring you now. Have, ya know, WORK to do!
I still want beef for dinner...
**Big Bad Wolf**
"Texting during working hours is strictly frowned upon."
I looked up from my phone, not surprised to see Edward standing in front of me. Practically glaring.
...the hell?
It was just texting! Alice had totally been doing it the entire week I'd been working in this place!
Forgetting Edward, or more along the lines of straight out ignoring him, I glanced back to the vibrating plastic in my hand. And then proceeded to quickly read the two new messages.
Bells?
**Big Bad Wolf**
Beef, Bells! Beef!
**Big Bad Wolf**
"I suggest you cease and desist before more severe actions must be taken." With that, Edward extended a hand, smooth and swift as...some sort of smooth and swift animal or creature, and snicked my phone shut.
He literally turned on his heel and started to walk away. And then...then something snapped inside me. Like a twig in the forest after being stepped on by someone, like a wet towel whipped against bare skin, like the fingers of a stellar magician right before revealing the end result of his trick.
Yes, something snapped.
"Do you have some sort of back issue that causes you to constantly be turning said back on people, aka walking away?" Edward froze mid-stride, and I just continued on, unable, or rather not willing, to stop. "Or is it a foot issue that renders you incapable of standing in one place for too long?"
He'd turned fully around now, and stepped back a bit closer to me. "Excuse me?"
"Must be awful for your girlfriend then, huh?" I shook my head in mock pity. "No up-against-a-wall sex with that foot issue, nosiree."
"I don't have a girlfriend."
It seemed like such an odd response, at least for him. And not at all the response I'd been expecting, that I almost fumbled a little. Almost.
"Well then your shower must just wail in loneliness as your bathtub sticks its tongue out at it in triumph. Pray tell, what's your favorite bubble bath?"
"What's yours?" His eyes were flashing with something I couldn't, surprise surprise, read. Fucker.
"Juniper Breeze." Lie. Total lie. That was my favorite lotion. My house didn't have a bathtub; in fact, I hadn't taken an actual bath, bubbles or no, in years. "What's your favorite bubble bath?" I repeated because, hey, some people need things repeated before they really hear. And sometimes people were just too big of an asshole to bother with that pesky little thing known as polite responses. "Raspberry cloud?"
He looked surprised for a moment, before disgusted horrification took over his face. "What?"
"Wow, looks like somebody's run out of clever responses."
"Why are you so sure I use a bubble bath? Maybe I use bath salts."
I stared at him, raising an eyebrow, wondering if he realized how ridiculous he sounded.
"You do realize how ridiculous that sounded, right?"
Well, maybe not. Maybe he needed help realizing.
"How what sounded?"
"What you said."
"When?"
My lips pursed of their own accord, a sign of frustration. "Well it sounded ridiculous."
"I'm sure there's a lot that sounds ridiculous to one such as yourself."
I hated my mouth in that moment. My damn, disloyal mouth that fell open in shock. Or surprise? Disbelief, maybe? Whatever, my mouth dropped open just like in friggin' movies and...and whatever else people's mouths dropped open in.
Treacherous mouth or no, my brain still knew how to make it speak.
"And I'm sure there's a lot that isn't felt by one such as yourself."
We narrowed our eyes at each other as we stood there, staring off as though in an old Western.
"Oh, Bella! Have you seen my..."
My gaze broke away from Edward's to look at Sue, who'd trailed off upon seeing us and how weird we looked. Or how weird I imagined we looked standing there, glaring at each other.
"Hey, Sue!" I changed my glower to a smile more easily than I would have thought possible. "What's up?"
"Oh, um," she patted the sides of her hair, smoothing them back, "I was just wondering if you'd seen my keys anywhere...I can't remember where I left them, but my lunch is in my car. Which is locked." She flashed me an apologetic, unsure smile.
Before I could answer, Edward did.
"I think I saw them on aisle three, Sue." His voice was all charm and caramel, dripping sweetness like a bottle of honey. Nothing even close to the tone he'd had with me not forty seconds ago. Asshole. "Next to the wallets."
"Oh!" Sue's hands flew up beside her face as she started to scurry off. "That's right! I was thinking of buying my nephew a wallet for his birthday earlier this morning..." Her voice faded as she got farther away.
"I'm going to take my lunch break," Edward's voice broke me out of my cheery thoughts of pretending he didn't exist. Thank you for the notice, Captain Schedule. "Think you might possibly be able to handle any customers that come in while I'm gone?"
I suddenly wished I'd brought an extra cupcake with me when I'd left this morning, for the simple reason of being able to smash it into his face right now.
Maybe not. I wouldn't want to waste a cupcake on his sorry ass.
Smiling sweetly, I forced my jaw to separate so I could speak like a normal person. "I'm sure I'll be fine. And if not, I can always just direct the customer to where the lunch room is so they can seek your expert counsel. Best keep a napkin next to you, just in case." I gestured vaguely to my face, "Food crumbs, not appealing to customers."
Alright, so maybe I hadn't ever actually seen Edward with food crumbs on his face since I'd started working here, but hey, the insult was still clear, right?
For the first time, I walked away before he could respond, feeling a lot better (coughmoreself-satisfiedcough) than I had in a while. Okay, a week. But a week could nevertheless feel like a long time sometimes.
I had a hunch I might be feeling a lot more self-satisfied in the soon-to-be-here future. And I kinda liked it.
A/N: Many many thanks to everyone who reads and/or reviews. Y'all make my heart feel like it's been sitting too close to the toaster, and hasn't brushed its teeth in three weeks. ;)