A/N I apologize for the wait, my darling readers, you see my hard drive crashed on the computer where this was initially written, thus severely delaying the update for this, however I managed to find the chapter half-finished in an email I had written to myself, and thus I have finished the chapter.
Thanks to all Reviewers!
Disclaimer: I own nada.
Note to do I need a pen name: Margarrrrrrr, you didn't answer your phone, this upsets me. ANSWER YOUR PHONE! I demand you answer it! (Furthermore, you didn't review the last chapter, go back and review it.)
Anyway, without further ado, here is the chapter:
Professor Sybil Trelawney was a simple woman; she liked tea, speaking in a mystic tone, and predicting the early death of James Potter at the hands of a psycho mass murder. She also rather enjoyed it when a class took her seriously, but it wasn't absolutely vital. However, it did rather irk her when they didn't even pretend to listen! She was an authentic seer for Merlin's sake. So, today she had planned a lesson that she was sure would get her the respect she deserved! Trelawney heard the voices of her students coming up the silvery ladder, (a present from a "grateful" store owner whose fortune she told, although several students, cough Sirius, cough James cough, were of the opinion that the store owner was hoping the ladder would snap causing Trelawney to fall to her death), and swiftly headed to the dimmest corner of the room waiting to make her extravagant entrance.
"Sibbby, ohhhhhhhhhhh, Sibbbbbbbbbbbby, where are yooooooooooou?" Sirius Black the insufferable Gryffindor who she was certain would end up in jail howled (like a grim! Trelawney was certain that his doglike mannerisms would bode ill for him).
"Hello, class." The "seer" said coming out from the corner and clutching her many shawls tightly around her as she stared out at the mixed class of Slytherins and Gryffindors through eyes magnified to at least eight hundred times their normal size. "Today we shall determine the course your lives will take through a mystical test known as the "Oreo Omen." Trelawney scowled as several muggleborns and halfbloods snickered. The purebloods, namely Sirius Black, James Potter, Frank Longbottom, Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Black, Andromeda Black, Regulas Black and Narcissa Black(1), just looked at her as though she were insane (not that this was an unusual occurrence). Lily Evans was currently exchanging an eye roll with fellow prefect Remus Lupin, the two of them, a muggle-born and half-blood respectively, were not Trelawney's biggest fans (they thought she was a right old fraud actually). "Yes!" The Divination professor continued in a loud town to overpower the snickers of those who knew what an "Oreo" was. "…The Oreo is a mystical black circular disk with crème in the center and another black circular disk on top, the manner in which you ingest the Oreo will determine both your personality and your future.'
"What the bloody hell is she going on about now?" Sirius Black hissed put of the corner of his mouth to his friend Remus Lupin who was sitting to his left at the circular table.
"Cookies, Padfoot, she's going to 'tell your future' using cookies." Remus replied with a sigh his tone revealing his opinions about the entire subject of Divination.
"Everyone step forward and collect your Oreo." The class managed to collect their cookies with little incidence although Sirius 'accidentally' tripped Narcissa, and Bellatrix 'accidentally' spilled a glass of milk on Sirius' head. So, of course Andromeda had to 'accidentally' knocked Regulas backward into a trunk of Trelawney's shawls which lay open in the corner. Of course, the Black children would never do anything to each other on purpose! They were really a close knit group, don't let the glares of hatred confuse you, they like each other…really! In the end Trelawney just placed a bag of Oreos on each table. "I will patrol the room to tell the fortune of each student." Remus rolled his eyes and slumped down on his squishy pink arm chair. Lily Evans patted his arm comfortingly from her spot at the table adjacent to the Marauders' table. James stared at Lily, like a slightly deranged and possibly rabid squirrel, and Sirius grabbed an Oreo and shoved it straight in his mouth.
"Interesting, very interesting indeed." Trelawney crowed swooping down on the group unnoticed. "Do you have any idea what this means Mister Black?"
"Probably that I'm going to be arrested, and die young in a drapery related incident?"
"Ah, while these are all definitely true, that is not the answer I'm looking for." Trelawney replied evidently not picking up on the sarcasm or the fact that James Potter was trying valiantly to contain his laughter by stuffing his fist in his mouth. "The answer, Mister Black, is: "This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children."
"And that means what exactly?" Sirius questioned raising an eyebrow.
"First, that Miss Evans will never trust you with the son she's going to have with Mister Potter," Lily scowled heavily and gave James her don't-even-think-about-it-Trelawney-is-a-crackpot-old-fool-look. "Second that you will get sent to jail for a crime you didn't commit, and finally…"
"Let me guess he's going to die in a drapery related accident?" Remus questioned rolling his eyes skyward.
"Why, Mister Lupin, I do believe that you are beginning to get in touch with your inner eye!" The druggy, I mean, uh, 'professor' proclaimed proudly as Sirius, James, and Peter erupted into fits of snickering.
"Remmie, I had no idea that you and your inner eye were so close." Sirius exclaimed.
Remus was saved from responding by the sound of Trelawney swooping down on the table where Narcissa, Bellatrix, Lucius Malfoy and Rodolphus Lestrange were sitting. Andromeda and Regulas, the two Slytherins who were not quite Slytherin were sharing the table next to the other Blacks excluding Sirius.
"Do you understand what the manner in which you eat your Oreos suggests about you, my dear?" Trelawney inquired of Bellatrix obviously not realizing that calling Bellatrix 'dear' was a sure way to obtain death or serious injury. "It means that 'your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.' It also suggests that like your cousin, you will be sent to Azkaban, probably go insane, and die in a battle against a woman with seven kids." Trelawney predicted without waiting for Bellatrix to respond, said girl was currently experiencing a twitch in her eye and seemed to be reaching for her wand only to have Andromeda shoot her a look to quell her anger.
"Hey, Bella, it looks like she's got you pegged." Sirius hissed to his cousin with a smirk.
"You want to say that again, Sirius?" Bella asked through narrowed eyes fingering her wand and looking like she really, really wanted to hex her cousin.
Meanwhile, Trelawney had turned her attention to Narcissa who was decidedly not eating her Oreo. "Dear, you're supposed to be eating your Oreo so that I could tell your future."
"I don't eat Oreos." Narcissa said with disdain.
"Don't worry then, there's a fortune for you, too: "'You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a priss.'"
Narcissa scowled at her professor and like Bellatrix and Sirius seemed rather tempted to hex said professor. Blacks weren't known for their gentle disposition and patient attitude after all. Trelawney, having decided that she had spent enough time at Bellatrix and Narcissa's table moved toward Regulus and Andromeda. Both Blacks ate their cookies in the same way, they dunked them.
"Your manner of eating your Oreos suggests that 'Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.'" Trelawney paused. "I predict that you both will realize that you are unhappy with the lives you currently lead one before the other, the one who escapes their current life first will escape with their life, the other will lose theirs in a tragic incident, however they will die defending the Light."
"How dare you suggest my sister and cousin would abandon the Blacks?" Bellatrix demanded through narrowed eyes.
"Actually, I think that would be the smartest thing they could do." Sirius said glaring at Bellatrix.
"Not everyone's a traitor like you." Bellatrix responded venom dripping from her words.
"Stop it, Bella." Narcissa interrupted. "Blacks don't do this in public." She whispered.
"No, I'm going to teach the blood traitor a lesson." Bellatrix responded muttering a curse which Sirius quickly countered. The exchange of curses soon erupted into a full blown duel as the Marauders felt compelled to jump to Sirius' aid prompting everyone at Bella's table to get involved as well.
When it was all said and done, Trelawney's classroom had been completely destroyed, and Trelawney herself was sporting pink hair, purple spotted skin and was looking as though she was moments away from a nervous breakdown.
"OUT! OUT OF MY CLASSROOM! I never want to see any of you here again." Trelawney screamed. The class hurriedly rushed toward the ladder in a mad dash to get away from the obviously unhinged (that is to say more unhinged then usual) Divination professor.
"Who knew Oreo's could be so dangerous?" Sirius asked cheerfully as they strolled toward Gryffindor tower.
A/N Review, please! Next chapter will either be the Ministry or the Order or just the Auror department or something like that. As always suggestions are welcome. In other news, those of you who read the Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer, only eight days until Breaking Dawn! woot!