A/N Hello, my darling readers, I am extremely sorry for the long wait, I thank you for your patience, and hope you will all forgive me. :)
Thanks to all Reviewers!
Dedication: To all my lovely reviewers: TwilightFanpireFreak, KenziCullen, madelinesticks, l1ttl3 Sakura, UbiquitousPhantom, do i need a pen name, MarauderetteLily, Shaye Rhymer, Sagesther, 14hp1, Grassy Leaves. Thanks so much.
Disclaimer: I own the rights to neither the characters nor Oreos.
"Are you sure you should've let Sirius go chasing after Bellatrix on his own?" Remus asked James worriedly.
"Er, no, I mean yes, he said they were just going to talk after all," James replied just as an explosion sounded from the second floor where Sirius was currently located along with his cousin Bellatrix Black, her sisters Andromeda and Narcissa, as well as Sirius' brother Regulus.
"And you believed him?" Remus demanded.
"Well…yes, but that is neither here nor there," James replied. "See, I'm thinking we should be less worried about laying blame and more concerned with the fact that the explosion we just heard came from Sirius' general direction.
"Thank you captain obvious." Remus replied sarcastically. James didn't deign to answer him.
The two Marauders headed out of their dormitory and down several flights of stairs until they reached the place where Sirius had planned to meet his family members, if they could be referred to as such.
The second floor corridor looked like a war zone or at the very least a scene out of a bad horror movie.
It was rather difficult to imagine that the scene they were witnessing was caused by five mostly underage wizards and witches.
Remus and James were saved from having to attempt to extricate Sirius from the center of the mayhem by their own head of house Minerva McGonagall who stormed down the hallway at exactly that moment.
"What, may I ask is going on here?" She asked her voice deathly quiet.
"Well, it appears to me that the Sirius and his rather evil family sans Andromeda of course, have been hexing each other and it seems Sirius –I recognize his style anywhere- managed to change Narcissa Black's skin a lovely shade of orange and purple polka dots which doesn't really match if you ask me…"
"Quiet, Potter." McGonagall said. "Mr. Lupin, am I correct in assuming that you and Mr. Potter were not involved in this conflict?"
"Yes, Professor." Remus replied.
"You were however aware that this was going to take place, were you not?"
Remus and James chose not to answer.
"Very well, I shall take ten points from Gryffindor for failing to contact a teacher about a suspected duel, the both of you may return to your common room." McGonagall said sternly waiting until Remus and James were out of sight to speak again. "You five are coming with me, we're going to have a meeting with the headmaster and Professor Slughorn."
This is how the five Black children found themselves seated in the Headmaster's office facing an infuriated McGonagall, a nervous Slughorn (doubtless imagining the implications of offending their parents), and a mildly amused Dumbledore.
"This is the second time this month that the five of you have been fighting," Dumbledore stated plainly his face inscrutable.
"Indeed it is!" McGonagall exclaimed. "And it's clear that detention is not enough to put an end to the family conflict between these five."
And, it seemed the professor was right judging by the delightful pattern to Narcissa's skin, the fact that Sirius' ears had been transfigured into those of a cat, Bellatrix seemed to have a Gryffindor flag permanently stuck to the back of her head, Andromeda's nose now stuck out like Pinnochio's not that any of them got the reference given their lack of muggle knowledge, and Reglus was currently sporting a pig's nose and a long beard that was growing longer as they sat there.
"I do believe you are correct, Minerva, don't you agree, Horace?" Dumbledore inquired.
"Er, I suppose so, Headmaster." Slughorn replied somewhat hesitantly.
"I have the perfect punishment in mind." Dumbledore continued.
"You do?"
"Oh, yes," The headmaster said looking each of the five children in the eyes. "I'm going to fire-call their parents."
The announcement garnered the expected gasps of shock and dismay from each of the Blacks.
"I'd rather have detention," Sirius proclaimed.
"I'm sure that you would," Dumbledore replied. "However, this Mr. Black, is not a matter which is subject to negotiation, therefore, Minerva, Horace, if you would so kindly escort these five to the staff room; I shall fire-call their parents and see if we cannot get them to Hogwarts for an immediate meeting."
"Of course, Headmaster," McGonagall and Slughorn said together before leading the five students out of the room.
-Scene Jump-
To say that Walburga Black was displeased would be a vast understatement, she was you could say on the verge of a murderous rampage. And, who might you ask was the unfortunate target of her ire? None other then Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. He had summoned her, Orion, Cygnus, and Druella to Hogwarts to discuss an important manner regarding the recent behavior of their children. He had been rather vague, so of course they had been obliged to go to Hogwarts and sort out whatever it was the Headmaster was concerned about.
Walburga was willing to bet her cursed piano and best set of strangling dress robes that it was Sirius who was the cause of all this trouble. The boy was only a second year and already he was on the fast track toward becoming a blood traitor, he would need to be dealt with, alas, this was a manner for another time as the Headmaster had finally deigned to show up and lead the Black family to the staff room which he had emptied of professors for the occasion. She noticed that Sirius, Regulus, Bellatrix, Andromeda, and Narcissa were all already seated at various spots at the conference table. Andromeda and Sirius were seated next to each other which didn't surprise her in the least, she was certain that those two were the most dangerous to the family name out of the lot. Unlike dear Bellatrix, who was the perfect example of what a Black ought to be, if you asked Walburga (which few people did).
"I'm glad you could make it," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "As you can see your children have been having a bit of a disagreement as of late and we, their professors and I that is, felt that it would be best if we talked with their parents and tried to get to the root of their issues, given that you're all family…and a very closely knit one I'm certain." He continued ignoring Sirius' snort of disbelief.
Walburga blinked and looked at the Black children again and noticed what she hadn't at first glance, which was: Bellatrix's skin had turned pink and a hideous, ostentatious Gryffindor flag seemed to be stuck to her hair, and poor Narcissa (who now that Walburga thought about it had been hiding her face when they first came in the room) had her face covered in red and gold pimples in addition to the rest of her skin which was purple and orange, Andromeda had hair which was half red and half green (Walburga was willing to bet the girl had tried to get in between Sirius and Bellatrix) as well as a nose which was a foot long and still growing, Regulus had a pig's nose and a long neon green beard, while Sirius had cat's ears and the words blood traitor shaved into the back of his head, and his previously black hair was now silver making him look as though he were prematurely aging (she was sure this would upset him greatly as Sirius and Narcissa were similar in that they were both rather obsessed with their appearance).
"Therefore, I've reached the conclusion that all of you need to reach a better understanding of each others thoughts, feelings, and personalities, and how better to do this then with a quiz which is specifically tailored to reveal one's most base personality?" Dumbledore concluded.
"And, pray tell us, Headmaster, what exactly is this quiz about?" Druella asked disdainfully.
"Well, Mrs. Black, or may I call you Druella seeing as how we seem to have multiple Mrs. Blacks here?"
"Druella is fine." Said woman replied, although the look on her face said otherwise.
"Indeed, anyway, Druella, the quiz is about Oreos."
"And, what exactly is an Oreo?" Walburga inquired.
"Why, it is a rather delightful muggle cookie, it is chocolate on the outside, and filled with a white crème filling." Dumbledore exclaimed whilst McGonagall fought the urge to hit her head repeatedly against the nearest hard surface.
"Not this again," Bellatrix exclaimed disdainfully thinking back to their recent 'adventure' with the cookies in their Divination class.
"You will keep quiet Ms. Black." McGonagall commanded. Bellatrix fought the urge to glare at the professor (unsuccessfully).
"Alright, seeing as how we are in agreement, Minerva would you kindly summon a house-elf to bring us the cookies?" Dumbledore inquired.
"Of course, Headmaster."
McGonagall was gone for several minutes during which time the various members of the Black family sat and glared at each other. Upon her return she set the package of Oreos she had procured from the kitchens down in the center of the table with several glasses of milk.
"Lovely," Dumbledore said. "Now we can begin, I ask each of you to take a cookie and a glass of milk, and then we shall analyze how your method of eating the Oreos effect your personalities,"
None of the Blacks seemed inclined to obey his instructions; rather they all stared at him incredulously as though expecting him to tell them that this was all some kind of joke and move onto discussing punishments or something similar. However, Dumbledore was not in fact joking, and after awhile they seemed to catch on or at least Sirius did because the sole Gryffindor in the family grabbed an Oreo from the package and shoved the entire thing in his mouth. Walburga and Druella simultaneously gasped in shock.
"Sirius, I did not send you to comportment lessons since you where three to have you shoving cookies in your mouth in such an ill-bred fashion." Walburga exclaimed in shock.
"No, you sent me to comportment lessons in the hope that the tutor would beat the rebellious streak out of me." Sirius replied evenly.
"Hold your tongue, boy." Orion Black ordered. "You won't speak to your mother like that."
"Let's analyze Sirius' Oreo eating method, shall we?" Slughorn inquired eager to avoid an argument amongst the family.
"Yes," Dumbledore said nodding his head vigorously in blatant agreement with Slughorn's suggestion. "Minerva, if you would be so kind as to…?"
"Of course, Headmaster." McGonagall replied reading aloud the appropriate description. "This means you consume life, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children."
"Now, let's discuss how this might factor into your family's relationship, shall we?" Dumbledore inquired.
"That boy has always been reckless, Headmaster," Walburga complained. "We've tried and tried to knock some sense into him, but so far, we've been unsuccessful, which if you ask me is due to his continued presence in Gryffindor house,"
"We've had this discussion before, Walburga, the decisions of the Sorting Hat are final." Dumbledore said patiently.
"If you ask me what that child needs is some more discipline," Cygnus broke in. "You've let him have far too much free will, Orion."
The look on Sirius' face seemed to indicate that he thought his uncle had either hit his head or was on some sort of drugs, because the last thing his parents were inclined to give their "bad" child was freedom.
"Now, now, let's all calm down," Slughorn intoned.
"Indeed," Dumbledore replied. "We're supposed to be discussing why the personality's of your children do not mesh well together, which means one of your other children should eat an Oreo, how about you, Narcissa?"
"I don't eat Oreos." Narcissa said wrinkling her nose up in distaste.
"Quite right, Narcissa, darling." Druella said smiling at her second-oldest child fondly. "My Narcissa would never eat such a filthy snack."
"Am I to assume, that you don't eat Oreos either?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yes." Druella replied succinctly in a tone which in a less well-bred person would've been said to have an implied duh at the end.
"Never fear, however, for there is a result for that as well, Horace would you be so kind as to read it aloud for Druella and Narcissa?"
"You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you. Why are you here with us little people?" Slughorn recited. "Not that I am displeased by your company, Mrs. Black, it is quite an honor to be in your company," He added in his typical suck-up to rich and famous people fashion.
"They've sure got you pegged, Cissy." Sirius hissed at his cousin across the table.
"Shut it, Sirius," Narcissa responded snobbishly. "At least I'll live to see twenty."
"Now, now, children," Dumbledore scolded. "Now why do we think that Narcissa and Sirius have a hard time getting along?"
"Because he's a waste of oxygen?" Bellatrix suggested.
"Any other suggestions?" Dumbledore asked calmly. "No? Well, I personally think that Sirius, being reckless and impulsive clashes with Narcissa's more particular nature, they seem to be highly opposite, he likes to jump in without thinking and Narcissa is very fussy about everything, this is probably the cause of their frequent disagreements, wouldn't you agree?"
Narcissa and Sirius both looked like they had a rather different opinion from the Headmaster's and they probably would've been inclined to share their ideas on the subject if McGonagall hadn't skillfully stepped in and suggested that one of the other children perhaps, Regulus, should eat an Oreo."
The first year seemingly eager to avoid further conflict amongst his family members grabbed an Oreo and dunked it in his milk before taking a bite out of it.
"You're a dunker, are you?" Dumbledore mused. "That means that: 'every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.'"
"That's Reggie for you, a drug-addict if I ever saw one," Sirius mused.
"Mr. Black!" McGonagall exclaimed sounding scandalized.
"Interesting," Dumbledore pondered. "It seems to me that Regulus is what I would call a 'people-pleaser,' he doesn't want to upset anyone which is probably why he ends up conflicting with his cousins and brother because he doesn't know what side to take and probably gets pushed in the middle a lot, I bet you're a dunker too, right, Andromeda?"
"Yes, actually…" The girl replied.
"That would explain her hideous hair." Druella said looking at her middle child's locks with obvious disdain. "Is this going to take much longer, Headmaster? Because I want my children to have their appearance fixed as soon as possible."
"I'm sure that you do, Druella," Dumbledore replied. "Well, since you're in a hurry let's move on shall we? Walburga? Bellatrix? How do you eat your Oreos?"
Walburga and Bellatrix both seemed less than inclined to do anything the 'muggle-loving old fool' suggested and would've been quite content to just sit there and ignore him if not for their lack of desire to be considered the same as Narcissa and Druella.
Both of the (scariest and most insane) Black women (in history) took an Oreo and hexed off the filling before eating only the outside of the cookie.
"…Interesting." Dumbledore mused more to himself than anyone else. "Though not entirely shocking." He continued under his breath.
"Well…?" Bellatrix prompted impatiently.
"It means that you enjoy pain…" The headmaster replied after a pause.
"There's a shocker…" Sirius hissed quietly. Meanwhile, Andromeda fought to hide a grin at the remark.
"Hold your tongue, Sirius." Walburga reprimanded catching the whispered remark.
"…I'm sure this aspect of the quiz is quite wrong," Slughorn jumped in. "I've never known a girl as kind as Miss Bellatrix."
Sirius and Andromeda shared incredulous glances with each other at this remark.
"Oh, yes, Sluggy, Bella is just such a dear, sweet girl, could hardly hurt a fly…" Sirius remarked caustically.
"Shut your mouth, boy." Orion Black commanded.
"You see, Headmaster, the boy has always been rather rude, I've tried and tried to break him of the habit but he insists upon behaving in such a manner…" As Walburga droned on and on about how he was ill-behaved Sirius mouthed the words of her lecture (one he had heard at least two dozen times in the last three months) with exaggerated facial expressions behind her back while both Andromeda and Regulus struggled for laughter. And if the slight twitch at the corner of McGonagall's mouth was any indication she too was at least slightly amused by his antics.
"Yes, yes, I'm aware of your feelings in regards to Sirius," Dumbledore said waving away her words. "Let's move on shall we, Orion, Cygnus, how do you eat your Oreo cookies?"
Orion ate his cookies by ingesting only the inside of the Oreo and vanishing the rest of the cookie whereas Cygnus chose to eat his in several small quick bites.
"Let's see…" Dumbledore started. "Orion, according to this quiz you, "are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours." He paused. "How do we feel this affects your family dynamic?"
The Blacks stared back at him in stony silence none of them deigning to respond, or in Sirius' case he was too busy pondering how he had ended up in such an insanity-ridden family to bother responding.
"Well then, I think that your concern with work is making you seem unapproachable to Sirius and Regulus, is that correct, boys?" Dumbledore asked.
Regulus spared one glance at the barely concealed look of hate on his father's face and quickly shook his head whilst Sirius shook his head as well, only he did it because he was pretty sure it was the fact that his father was prone to hexing anyone who angered him into a painful oblivion that made him unapproachable and not his concern for work.
"Furthermore-" Dumbledore continued as though both boys had announced their vehement agreement with his theory. "I think that both your children and your nieces would benefit if you spent more time with them, I believe that taking a more active role in their lives will help diffuse some of the tension they've felt recently."
Orion felt disinclined to respond to this and instead remained pointedly silent until the headmaster moved onto reading Cygnus' evaluation.
"Cygnus, this says that you: "Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good." Dumbledore recited. "Incidentally I have noticed that mental breakdowns do seem to frequently occur within your family but that is neither here nor there."
"Indeed?" Cygnus inquired.
"Quite." Dumbledore replied. "The point is that you like Orion are spending too much time on other things. You have a million things to worry about and this is causing your children to be left by the wayside. Far be it for me to criticize your parenting methods but I think that all of your children would benefit from you spending some more time with them."
"We'll keep that in mind." Druella promised looking as though she had no such plans. However, Dumbledore was content with this response.
"If that is all, headmaster, we must be going, this was certainly a most illuminating discussion." Walburga added.
"Certainly, you may leave if you would like. I shall stay but a few moments longer to assign punishments to the children and then I shall send them off to have Madame Promfrey deal with them." Dumbledore replied serenely.
The headmaster waited until the four adult blacks had left the room before turning back to the children.
"I think, as I have always thought, that Hogwarts is a community, and the best way to stop conflicts within that community is to make sure that each member is held accountable to the whole, therefore I shall take twenty-five points from each of you, making that twenty-five points from Gryffindor, and one hundred points from Slytherin." Dumbledore began causing all five Black children to groan at his words. "Furthermore," He continued on despite Sirius' hissed 'there's more?' "Furthermore, the five of you will attend family bonding sessions once a week for the rest of the school year, I've just gotten off the phone with a delightful mind-healer who holds these wonderful team-building retreats for teenagers, I'm sure you will have a most splendid time."
The five teenagers looked like they would rather chew glass than spend any further time in each other's presence.
"Anyway, you may all be off to the hospital wing now, hopefully, Madame Promfrey will be able to fix you all otherwise I'm sure you will take a most valuable lesson away from this." Dumbledore finished, at his words all five of the Black children sprang from their seats and rushed out of the room.
"…do you think these team-building exercises will work, Headmaster?" McGonagall inquired once they were gone.
"Certainly not, Minerva, however I do believe it will be rather amusing, you see Healer Terry specializes in activities such as having them build a bridge out of blocks by hand together while remaining completely silent and also navigating mazes while blindfolded with only another person from your group to guide you."
"…" Sometimes, McGonagall found, it was just better not to ask.
A/N Review please, I have an idea for the next chapter which will take place at the Ministry so it will be out soonish. As always your suggestions are more than welcome.