A/N Hello, my lovely reviewers, I have returned with an update for you all!
Thanks to all Reviewers!
Dedication: to GinnyPotterCullen my 150th reviewer.
Disclaimer: I own nada.
"Silence." Professor Severus Snape demanded of his house who had been engaged in numerous conversations prior to his entering the common room. Upon being granted the desired silence he continued speaking. "The headmaster feels," He began looking as though he had been forced to swallow a particularly sour lemon. "That we should learn to understand each other better by analyzing our individual personalities through the use of this infernal device." Snape explained his lip curling in disdain as he stared around the Slytherin common room.
"This school is going to the dogs." Draco Malfoy announced from his position in the center of the third year Slytherins.
Snape ignored this comment and forced himself to continue on. "You will each take an oreo, eat it in your desired manner, and then report to the group on how you eat the blasted thing, we will discuss it, and with some luck complete this odious task before we all die of old age." Snape sometimes thought that Dumbledore came up with these assignments just to laugh at his staff as they were forced to carry out his ridiculous orders.
"Is he at least forcing the Gryffindorks to do this as well?" Pansy Parkinson demanded.
"Yes, Miss Parkinson, the other houses are participating in this evaluation as well." Snape replied.
"Professor, my team has the Quidditch pitch booked right now, we really can't afford to miss our practice." Marcus Flint protested.
"Unfortunately, it does not fall on me to overrule the headmaster." Snape said with a sneer. "However, I will book you the pitch for this evening." Which just happened to be when the Gryffindor team held their practice, not that Snape was doing it on purpose or anything. Severus Snape was deeply concerned with promoting fairness and equality between the houses. And, if you believed that Mundungus Fletcher has some indestructible cauldrons he would love to sell you.
"Let's start with the first years." Snape decided. "Greengrass, you're first."
"But, Professor there are two Greengrasses." Goyle noted.
"Which is why I said we would be beginning with the first years, Mr. Goyle." If Snape were a lesser man he would have resorted to hitting his head against the wall by now. "Astoria Greengrass, how do you eat the cookie?" He demanded.
"I don't eat Oreos, Professor." Astoria exclaimed earning several nods of approval from her fellow aristocratic purebloods. "My ancestors would roll over in their graves at the very idea."
"Fortunately, or unfortunately as the case may be, there is a category for that as well: You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you. Why are you here with us little people?" Snape recited dully, clearly bored with this entire process.
They progressed through the remaining first years relatively quickly with only a few minor incidents ie. some fifth years attempting to escape, a second and third year attacking each other, and a seventh year begging Snape just to put her out of her misery before she was forced to listen to anymore of this.
"Harper you're next." Snape said calling on the Slytherin reserve player.
"I dunk them, sir." Harper replied which caused mutual shouts of dismay from Draco and Astoria who were shocked that he was willing to actually eat the cookie.
After giving the future aristocratic couple a quelling look Snape read off the description for Harper: "Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction." He paused to let this sink in. "What did we learn children?"
"That we should sell addictive products to Harper?" Pansy suggested.
"No." Snape replied.
This set off some heated conversation amongst the Slytherins who weren't really certain what else they should have taken away from the description.
"That we should write a strongly worded letter to his parents expressing our dismay that he would actually ingest such a horrible food item if it can even be deemed as such?" Draco inquired.
"...Let's just move on shall we?" Snape said with a scowl as he imagined shoving oreos down the headmaster's throat and shouting 'how much do you like them now, old man?' "Let's discuss the third years, who's next...Bulstrode." He decided after a pause.
Millicent, best known for her love of cats and inflicting pain on small children, replied that she ate only the cookie and then the inside.
"You enjoy pain." Snape stated. Theodore Nott who announced he ate his cookies the same way reached over and offered Millicent a high five. "Mr. Malfoy, I do believe we have established that you don't eat Oreos-"
"Damn right, I don't." Draco muttered to the people near him.
"-So we will move on." Snape continued. "Parkinson, you're up."
"I eat the inside, and toss the cookie." Pansy replied.
"You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's okay, you don't care, you got yours." Snape knew there was something he liked about that Parkinson girl, she was clearly his kindred spirit, he would have to remember to take points off the next Gryffindor she provoked.
"Davis, you're next." Snape decided.
Tracey Davis, one of the only non-purebloods in Slytherin house, being a half-blood replied that she dunked her oreos, prompting Snape to say he wouldn't waste time rereading the description, and told the room that she matched Harper. Blaise informed his professor that he too dunked the cookies.
Which of course set off a whole other round of people offering to sell them various addictive products.
"Greengrass, I assume that you also don't eat Oreos?" Snape questioned the elder Greengrass sister.
"You assume correctly, Professor." Daphne answered in an arch tone.
"And you Crabbe?" Snape asked.
"I lick them." Crabbe announced and then demonstrated the feat, which prompted squeals of horror from the Greengrass sisters and Draco.
"Stay away from small furry creatures, and seek help immediately." Snape recited. "What does this tell us?" He asked.
"That we should capture small creatures and give them to Crabbe?" Nott suggested.
"...Somehow I don't think that's the answer the Headmaster will be looking for." Snape mused. "But good enough." He added with a shrug. "Goyle you're up."
"I just bite them." Goyle replied.
"You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal." Snape recited. "Now let's get on to the forth years shall we?" Snape said beginning to feel a migraine pounding at his temples. "Montague, you're first."
"I take quick bites." He replied.
"Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good." The much put-upon Potions master recited. "And now onto you, Warrington."
"I enjoy pain, same as Nott." He replied.
"That saves time." Snape commended. He'd have to find the boy some first year Hufflepuffs to torment as a reward. "Pucey, you're next."
"I dunk them same as Davis and Harper." Pucey replied.
Snape really loved his house sometimes, like right now when they were facilitating his efforts to get the hell out of the room as fast as possible so he could right a formal complaint to the Headmaster, which he would probably never read, but Snape would right anyway just to make himself feel better. "Alright, let's move on to the fifth years." Snape said after going through a few more forth years. "Bole, you're up."
"I just eat them."
"Congratulations, you're normal." Snape said dryly. "You're up, Derrick."
"Same as Bole."
Snape could have hugged him. But he wouldn't. Because Severus Snape did not, repeat did not, hug anyone, ever. And, he most certainly did not hug half the population of Hogwarts including the Marauder's during his school-years while under the influence of a potion (1). After finishing up with the fifth years, Snape moved on to the sixth years. "Bletchley, you're up."
"I eat the inside, toss the cookie." He replied.
"Basically, you're completely self-interested, just like our dear Pansy." Blaise Zabini said waving his professor on to the next person.
"Speaking of which, would you like one of these completely non-addictive sweets?" Pansy inquired offering the Oreo-dunker a most-definitely addictive product. "Only one sickle each."
"...No thanks." Blaise responded.
While they were engaged in this conversation Snape managed to finish with the sixth years and get nearly through the seventh years. "Flint, you're up, and make it quick, you're the last one."
"I only eat the cookie." Flint replied, garnering the response that he like nearly one-forth of the Slytherins enjoyed pain above all other personality qualities. Which considering his love of tormenting Oliver Wood, the Quidditch obsessed captain of the Gryffindor team was really no surprise.
"Now, if you would all be so kind, let's pretend this fun, fun occurrence never occurred." Snape suggested.
"...Agreed."
A/N Sorry this is a little late, but it was my birthday on Tuesday so I really didn't get my updating done, and then my whole schedule fell behind, lol. Anyway, this story will be updated next Monday. I'm running out of stuff to right about so suggestions would be welcomed.