A/N Hello, everyone, as always I'm sorry for the lateness of this update.
Thanks to all Reviewers!
Dedication: To I Love Neville for their awesome reviews. :D :D
Disclaimer: I own nada.
Rufus Scrimgeour stalked into the Auror's department with a scowl on his face, clearly in a Very Bad Mood.
"Attention, everyone," He growled out. "I've just been to see the Minister, and for some unfathomable reason he seems to think it would be a good idea if he were to take a test of sorts."
"Not another sanity test, I honestly do not understand why they think we're all nutters." Dawlish complained.
"Not exactly." Scrimgeour replied. Although, he was fairly sure that the reason everyone thought they were insane probably had a lot to do with the recently retired Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody who had pretty much secured their reputation as such.
"What is it then?" Nymphadora Tonks inquired changing her hair from bright blue back to her usual bubble gum pink as she spoke.
Scrimgeour really needed to have a talk with that girl about what did and did not constitute stealth, i.e. bright pink hair. Not right now though, because he was too busy being annoyed with the Minister for that.
"We are going to take an Oreo Cookie Personality Test." He announced with the air of someone pronouncing an execution. The auror department was really prone to dramatics.
"Er, why?" Williamson, possessor of a pony-tail capable of rivaling Bill Weasley's inquired.
"Because the Minister is clearly bored, and thus in need of tormenting a new department, and obviously the auror department drew the short straw." The head of the department replied in a biting tone. "Honestly, don't they know we have actual important stuff to do?"
"Come on, guys, it's not that bad, we'll take the quiz and then we'll go back to doing whatever it is we do." Tonks said with a very impressive eye-roll, of course being a metamorphamagus insured that all her eye rolls were rather awesome.
"I don't really get why we even have to do it." Gawain Robards, one of the best aurors in the department and the few former Slytherins in the department, stated. "How is the minister really going to know whether we took it or not?"
"That is an excellent point." Proudfoot agreed.
"As much as I would love to do that," Scrimgeour said with a grimace. "He's sending someone from the Muggle Relations Department to supervise."
"Damn." Robards remarked. "Can't we just bribe them into silence?"
"I doubt it." Scrimgeour stated. "The members of that particular department tend to be notoriously honest."
"This is why our department is always under scrutiny," Kingsley complained.
"What are you talking about, Shacklebolt?" Scrimgeour asked.
"The frequency with which we attempt to bribe, blackmail, and otherwise silence our co-workers tend to make people think we've taken one too many knocks on the head." He explained.
Tonks shrugged and gave her fellow auror a 'what-are-you-gonna-do' expression.
"Here's a thought," Savage began. "Why don't we just tell whoever comes down here that we already finished the quiz, and were, er, vastly enlightened by it?"
"I don't think that would work." Dawlish argued. "There's no way they would believe us, our department was voted 'most likely to lie to co-workers to avoid unwanted assignments' in last month's interdepartmental newspaper."
"We have an interdepartmental newspaper?" Williamson asked.
"Honestly, don't you read?" Dawlish asked peevishly.
"Not when I can avoid it." The other auror admitted easily.
"The point is no one will believe it." Dawlish concluded.
"There's no way we can afford to take this quiz." Robards argued. "They already think the lot of us is crazy, and I'm willing to bet whatever responses those quiz give aren't going to help us out any."
"I have a suggestion," Tonks began.
"What is it?" Scrimgeour asked the metamorphamagus.
"Well, I've actually already heard about this quiz, and I happen to know that if we eat the cookie one bite at a time we'll get the result 'you are normal.'" Tonks explained. "All we have to do is wait for the Muggle Relations guy to get here and then proceed to eat the cookies one bite at a time."
"You know in the time you guys have spent planning how to avoid taking this quiz you could be finished." Davy Gudgeon, head of the Muggle Relations Department, remarked from where he had been standing unseen leaning against the wall.
"Er, how long have you been there?" Dawlish inquired.
"Long enough." The other wizard replied evenly.
Scrimgeour was fairly confident that this was right about the time Moody would have been screaming 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE' in their ears.
"And, as fair warning I definitely won't believe that anyone in this department is normal and neither will the Minister so Auror Tonks' scheme definitely won't work." He added, and upon seeing the mutinous expressions on their face he was forced to continue: "And, hexing me will definitely not help you prove your sanity cause."
"Let's just get this done, without making our department look any worse than it already does." Scrimgeour said with a sigh.
"Excellent attitude, Auror Scrimgeour, why don't you go first?" Gudgeon suggested thrusting a box of Oreos at the head auror.
Scrimgeour's hands tightened ominously around the box but he took it and selected an Oreo. He ate only the inside before tossing away the cookie in a waste bin.
"You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest." Gudgeon recited.
"Compassion is his strong suit." Williamson agreed.
Scrimgeour flung a paperweight at the other auror's head. Williamson, having the good sense to duck, did not suffer the cranial injury the head auror had intended. (It's a little known fact that most aurors get more injuries from each other than actual dark wizards).
"Er, moving on." Gudgeon said with a nervous glance at Scrimgeour. "Auror Tonks you're next."
Tonks consumed the cookie in several quick bites.
"Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good."
"My mum's a Black." She said with a shrug as though that explained everything (which it kind of did, sadly).
Gudgeon who had gone to school with her cousin Sirius Black shuddered and swiftly steered them onwards. "Dawlish, how about you?"
Dawlish happened to dunk his Oreos and garnered the following description: "Everyone likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction."
"I guess Dawlish can't go any assignments to confiscate illegal substances." Proudfoot proclaimed.
Dawlish proved why he earned all Outstandings on his N.E.W.T.S by successfully hexing his fellow auror unconscious before the other one had any time to react.
"Upbeat, my ass." Williamson muttered but abruptly froze when the other auror waved his wand threateningly at him.
"Auror Williamson, you're next." Gudgeon proclaimed eager to defuse the situation. Williamson ate the entire cookie in one bite much to the collective dismay of the majority of those gathered in the room: "This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children."
"I always said he couldn't be trusted with anything more alive than a rock." Dawlish informed his boss.
Williamson looked highly tempted to hex the other auror, but was only stopped when Tonks nodded meaningfully to the unconscious Proudfoot.
"Auror Robards, you're next." Gudgeon stated looking as though he were growing steadily more nervous the longer he remained in their presence (which was the case with most visitors to their department, you had to be a certain brand of crazy to fit in with them). Robards twisted it apart eating the inside and then the cookie. "You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior."
"Are you sure you've got the right job, Robards?" Savage asked innocently. "It seems like you fit in better with the other side."
Robards scowled at the other auror and gestured threateningly at him.
"Why don't you go next Auror Savage?" Gudgeon inquired. Savage ate the cookie, but not the inside portion: "You enjoy pain."
"Fitting given the name." Robards remarked eager for revenge and knowing that Savage's last name was a sore point with him.
Savage pulled his wand out and appeared to be on the verge of hexing the other auror, but was stopped by a quick expeliarmus by Scrimgeour
"So, that just leaves you Auror Shacklebolt." Gudgeon noted looking thrilled to be escaping their presence.
Kingsley was a dunker just like Dawlish, so Gudgeon just told him to recall what Dawlish had been told and positively fled the room.
"He is so going to recommend we all see Mind Healers again." Tonks said with a sigh.
"Eh, what else is new?" Williamson asked.
"Get back to work, the lot of you." Scrimgeour commanded. "And do something about that." He said gesturing vaguely at the unconscious Proudfoot before disappearing into his private office.
A/N Review! There will probably only be one more chapter after this unless you have any other suggestions for characters to examine. Update next Monday.