Chapter 12

James felt miserable for the rest of the week. Every time Sirius was in the same room as them, Sirius pretended they weren't there or turned away his head. He also started drinking at some point and he wouldn't sleep in the same room as them anymore. Where he slept exactly, was a mystery to the boys, but James guessed he slept in the Room or Requirement.

He didn't go to classes anymore either. James only knew Sirius was drinking was because every time he crossed him, he was carrying a bottle of firewhiskey. He guessed Sirius snuck out to Hogsmead. Maybe he even stayed there to sleep. Rosmerta wouldn't mind if he stayed over. The two of them got along quite well. Or maybe Sirius was being an ass to her as much as he was being an ass to his friends.

James trained his team, but with one beater missing, the case was hopeless. He tried to train a friend of Sam's, but he wasn't half as good as Sirius was. James started taking particularly long showers as well and tried to drown the feeling of having failed. He'd failed with Sirius as a friend, and with his team as a captain. He'd failed with Lily and with Potions and with all the things he ever started with. He was a failure.

James had tried to have another talk with Sirius. Three times even. He'd wanted to tell Sirius he was sorry and just wanted to help him. That he missed him terribly and that he needed him. He wanted things to go back to normal. But every time James tried to talk to Sirius. Sirius turned his head and walked away. He didn't even speak to James anymore to tell him to back off.

Remus had tried to tell James that it wasn't his fault, but he didn't want to listen. He felt like it was his fault. He'd scared Sirius away and it was his fault that he wouldn't talk to them anymore. It was his fault that Peter suffered under the loss of Sirius.

Snape seemed to like the fact that the Marauders had broken up. He had the idea they were vulnerable now, which they maybe were. He hexed them every time their pads crossed. He called them names and laughed at them. James didn't even have the energy to do something bad.

The good thing was, that Lily had yelled at Snape after he'd hexed Remus and James from behind. She'd called him a coward and other names. But he thought that 'coward' was the word that had offended Snape the most. Remus and James had stood by and watched the show, but it didn't make James really happy. He'd lost his friend, his brother even. He didn't think he could ever be truly happy again.

Tessa had cried on their last quidditch training. She'd yelled that it was no use and that they should just give up. They missed a member of the quidditch family and they all felt incomplete. Collin had been really kind and had held Tessa until she felt better. James felt the same way Tessa did, but he'd shouted at them to keep training. The match was in four days and if they trained really really hard, they might have a very small chance to win. As long as he caught the Snitch in time.

Now, the match was in three days and although they still had an amazing Keeper, three marvelous Chasers, a great Beater and him, not a too lousy Seeker, he still felt like they were going to lose. The players' mood was down and he knew that would be their undoing. He knew it, but he was too depressed to do something about it. Or maybe he wasn't really depressed. Just sad and lonely because Sirius wouldn't talk to him anymore.

But today was a new day, and although he didn't feel like getting out of bed, he was hungry and had to face today's classes. He had breakfast in silence with his fellow Marauders. Remus said something about You Know Who that was in the Daily Prophet. James didn't hear any familiar names, so he forgot about it the moment Remus stopped talking.

Classes were hard and for once, not that boring. He really tried to pay attention in Potions, but without Sirius to partner up with him, he screwed up. Slughorn shook his head and went to praise Lily. Defense was his best class, even with Marble, but there was no fun whatsoever without Sirius.

They talked a bit during dinner, but not that much. Caroline and Nina seemed very happy around each other and Lily was totally into it. Laura looked about as depressed as James and the rest of the team. Marley even shouted at someone. She immediately apologized, of course, but she'd shouted. Something she never did. Ever.

"Good luck with rounds," Remus said later that evening. James hadn't really spoken to Lily in a long time. The good thing was that they didn't fight during rounds when neither of them spoke. The bad thing was, that James had time to think and the more he thought, the lonelier and sadder he felt.

"Thanks," he murmured. He went down to their meeting point as slowly as he could. It was not that he minded being around Lily, but he wasn't looking forward to it either. Another silent night, filled with angry and worried thoughts. For once, he wanted that Laura had become Head Girl. Laura wouldn't let him suffer alone.

He knew he was a couple of minutes late when he arrived at the doors of the Great Hall. He expected Lily to yell at him, but she didn't. She just looked at him for a couple of seconds. Then, she sighed and shook her head. James ignored it all. What could he say anyway?

He followed her at a little distance, as he'd done since her two-meters-distance-rule. Didn't that show how much he respected her? He even listened to the silly rules she made up. He did it all to make her happy, but she just wouldn't notice.

They'd swept the first completely and half of the second floor, when Lily came to a halt and stared into the corridor. James scanned the area she was staring at, but didn't see anything suspicious. He shook his head to clear his mind and looked closer.

Nope, all he could see were candles and armors. Nothing suspicious whatsoever. He didn't hear running feet nor hushed voices nor quiet giggles. All he heard was Lily's breathing and his heart beating in his ears.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"You are," she answered, not turning around to face him. Great. There they went again. What did he do now to piss her off? He hadn't said anything, hadn't come close to her, nothing… he'd done nothing at all to upset her. He sighed.

"You're so depressed, Potter," Lily said softly.

"I'm not depressed," James answered. Or was he? He had had happy moments since Sirius had left them. He'd felt happy when Marble had tripped and when there was pudding for dessert, without him expecting it. He'd had happy dreams full of sunshine and flowers and Sirius and Lily and he'd felt happy when Remus and he had gone over some silly book he'd found. See, he wasn't depressed.

"Okay," Lily said slowly, "But you're not happy either."

James sighed again and shook his head. Then, he realized she couldn't see that when she was standing with her back towards him, "That's true."

"Why?" she still didn't turn around. Was she angry? She didn't sound angry. Was she going to use the information against him? That wouldn't be a very Lily-ish thing to do.

"Because I'm worried about Sirius," he answered truthfully, "And because I'm sad because he won't talk to me anymore. And because…" His voice broke off as he decided against saying the next thing.

"Because?" came Lily's soft question.

"Because we're going to lose our quidditch match," James lied. He'd wanted to say 'Because I like you and you don't like me back'.

"Oh…" she mumbled, "Laura's been worrying about that too. I don't know what to say to that."

"You can't say anything at all," James whispered, "If only Sirius would come to his senses…"

"He will," Lily said and she sounded very sure of herself, "He will realize he misses you too. And then, he'll come back."

"But not in time," James breathed.

"No…" Lily shook her head, "Maybe not in time. I'm sorry about that."

"It's not your fault," James said. Then, they both shut up and Lily started walking again.

"Do you hate me?" James asked on the fourth floor. Lily shook her head, but didn't say anything. They walked on in silence. Lily didn't hate him. That was quite a leap forward. Maybe she'd once like him.

No… He shouldn't hope such things. They'd only make him sad and lonely.

"I you had to chose between me and Snivelly," James asked on the top floor, "Would you still pick him?"

Lily didn't answer to that, just shrugged. His hopes went down again. If someone placed Snape on the same level as him, there was no hope for him. Snape was the slimiest git he'd ever met and he couldn't picture any girl liking him.

Except for Lily of course, who'd been quite close to him in their first five years. Their friendship had slowly subdued at some point, but James could easily see that Snape was in love with his Lilyflower. He had the same lovesick look on his face that James saw every morning in the mirror.

They stopped again in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. Lily turned towards him and looked him in the eye. James heart skipped a few beats, when he saw those beautiful eyes looking at him.

"James," Lily softly asking, "What can I do to make it better?"

"I don't think there is anything you can do," James answered equally as soft, "Why?"

"Because I hate seeing you sad," she whispered. James was surprised. Since when did she hate seeing him sad?

"Why?" he asked again.

Lily came slowly closer and mumbled "This is why" before she planted her soft and beautiful red lips on his. Very gently, she kissed him and fireworks went off in James' head. He just wanted to throw his arms around her and pull her closer, when she stepped back again. She was blushing slightly.

"I… You…" James stammered, probably way redder than she was, "Since when do you like me?"

"Oh…" Lily smiled and looked away from him, "Since last June. But I had quite a hard time admitting it to myself. I only fully realized how much I actually like you a few weeks ago. But I thought you didn't really like me. I thought you just asked me out to annoy me, you know? That it was all a game to you."

"It has never been a game to me," James breathed. Lily softly laughed and gave him another quick kiss, before announcing that she had to go. There was a library book she'd forgotten to pick up and apparently she really needed it.

James stared after her for a few seconds as she walked away and then said the password. As the portrait hole swung open and Lily was about to turn around the corner, she turned around again to face him.

"James," she asked, "I would love to go out with you."

Then, she turned around the corner and he couldn't see her anymore. James grinned and climbed through the portrait hole. He walked into the common room, still feeling her lips on his, when he saw Sirius. He sat on the couch with his hands clutched between his knees, staring miserably into the fire. James sighed. This couldn't go on like this.

"How much did you drink, Padfoot?" he asked, wishing his friend wouldn't ignore him and hoping he wouldn't have to carry his friend up the stairs. Sirius turned to look at him, his eyes bloodshot and dark circles around him.

"Not a single drop, Prongs," he answered in a broken tone. Then, he burst out crying.

Tadatataaaaah :) we're almost there, so hang on!

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