SM OWNS not Me
ScottishRose1028 is my lovely Beta, who got like 20 emails from me tonight about this story! Cause I only sent her like 3 of the 8 pages! My Bad!
Learn a LITTLE more about Edward...just a little though! I can't believe how well I am keeping his secret!
Isabella sat in the buggy as Jacob drove her and Rachel to another day of school. Isabella picked at the ugly, unflattering dress that hung from her body. When Jacob had commented on how nice she had looked this morning, Isabella laughed. She looked no different then the herd.
Rachel rested her head on Isabella's shoulder as the horse's hooves clicked on the cement ground. "You feeling okay, Rachel?" Isabella asked. It wasn't normal for her to be so lethargic. She was normally full of life.
"I had a bad dream last night, and couldn't fall back to sleep," Rachel yawned.
"Oh, well, dreams can't really hurt us." Isabella told her, smoothing her hair, although she regretted the words as soon as she said them. She shouldn't be so quick to dismiss nightmares. They obviously haunted people, people like Edward.
Rachel didn't want to talk about the dream that had her too scared to fall back to sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, she would see the scary man, and hear the terrified screams of her friends and family. She was afraid they would think she had gone mad for dreaming something so violent.
She smiled at Isabella, letting her think the words she spoke made her feel better, as she clutched onto her doll that had no face.
"Isabella, I was wondering if you were going to attend the get together at our house this Sunday afternoon, I was hoping maybe you would be my date," Jake asked.
Isabella had no desire to go. "Charlie said he was bringing Edward, I believe to meet Sarah."
"Sarah won't even have the guts to look him in the eye, let alone talk to him," Isabella spoke. She didn't realize she sounded jealous or even possessive over Edward.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Jacob questioned.
"That she is too shy. Edward is a very handsome man, and English people intimidate her," Isabella said attempting to hide her feelings.
"I believe they already talked a bit, Isabella, don'cha know? Sarah had no problem holding a conversation with him," Jacob informed her.
Isabella was fuming. Why didn't Edward tell her he had spoken to Sarah? Isabella stopped herself. It must not have even been a conversation worth talking about had he not told her. She reminded herself that she was the one he kissed, and touched, the one he promised to protect. She was his Bambi and he was her BB.
She would not allow herself to get all worked up over Sarah. Sarah - who was as beautiful as a porcelain doll; perfectly shaped red lips, high rosy cheeks, big green eyes, and silky blonde hair. Had she been born English, she would be the queen bee at school. But she was not, and had no personality or self confidence. There was no reason to be jealous of a conversation Edward had with the human equivalent of a dish rag.
"I'm sure the conversation was dull to say the least. Edward was just being nice." Isabella couldn't help but to have the last word on the subject - or so she thought.
"Your father said they talked for a bit, Izzy. That they were laughing," Jacob added.
"Well, good for Sarah if she has come out of her shell," Isabella responded.
"Say, will you be coming?" Jacob asked, anxious to get back to the question at hand.
"Of course, Jacob," Isabella was weary over why Edward had not mentioned anything to her about Sarah or about the Sunday get together. As much as she told herself he cared for her, she couldn't shake the feeling of jealousy that was putting thoughts in her head to order Jacob to turn the buggy around so she could go demand Edward tell her what was going on.
Edward had watched Isabella climb into Jacob's buggy and found himself cursing Jacob for talking what was his to the school house five days a week. Edward hadn't asked anyone how set into stone Isabella's impending marriage to Jacob was. He didn't want to ask in fear that someone might catch on to the feelings he felt for her.
"Charlie, can I ask you something about the way an Amish marriage works?" Edward asked.
"Sure, son." Charlie didn't mind telling Edward how things worked. He thought it showed how interested he was in living the Amish lifestyle.
"I only really noticed what is happening with Isabella and Jacob. You keep saying they will be married once she is baptized, is that arranged? I mean, what if Isabella chose someone else?" Edward asked. He wished he would have picked Jacob as the one to choose someone else, but that just seemed like a long shot.
"Isabella and Jacob are free to marry whom they please. But Jacob has been courting Isabella in the Amish traditions, it's just what we assume will happen. We do not arrange marriages, but we do not court many partners; it's just what is expected. Isabella may change her mind and turn him down, although that would shock many people. We don't openly discuss dating, but we still see. And I see Isabella and Jacob together and happy." Charlie explained, excited at the possibility of joining families with his best friend William.
"Oh, so Isabella is free to marry whoever she wants, as is Jacob. Right how they just seem to be favoring each other?" Edward asked again trying to clarify.
He was almost tempted to tell Charlie the way he felt about Isabella, to just be open and honest that they had taken a liking to each other, but he was afraid.
Charlie might feel threatened that his other daughter was falling for an English man. Charlie would feel better once Edward was baptized and committed to being Amish before he dated anyone, especially his daughter, whom he feared he would lose to the English world.
Taking in Edward was almost like adopting a son. He knew he wasn't replacing Rosalie - that was not possible - but he knew in twenty more years he would have Edward, if no one else. Charlie didn't care that his reasons for bringing Edward into his home were a bit selfish. Men do foolish things when they are fearful. And Charlie was very fearful of ending up alone.
"So it seems. I just hope Izzy's time during Rumspringa does not stray too far, although I know I am just in denial. I haven't failed to notice who she is spending her time with. Paul...he isn't a bad man, just confused. When he is living for the Lord, but hanging out with people like James, I worry for him. I don't want my daughter caught up too much with James," Charlie confided in Edward.
Edward couldn't agree more. James made his skin crawl.
"How have you been sleeping, Edward?" Charlie asked as they worked in the barn.
"Better here than anywhere else. I still can't sleep through the night, but I will take what I can get," Edward shared with Charlie.
"And your family? Do you miss them?" Charlie asked. He was wondering if being homesick may be the cause of Edward's choice not to stay. Charlie would respect any decision Edward made. He truly just wanted to help Edward find peace, and being a man of God, thought that finding the Lord was the way.
"Of course I miss them. I sent them a letter a week or so ago, just to tell them I was doing better. I hope that one day they can come visit me here," Edward said, thinking back to the letter that told his parents more about his choice to live Amish. He even put a return address on the envelope. He wanted them to know he wasn't running from them.
"Well, this here," Charlie handed Edward a sealed envelope, "arrived from Chicago for you today." Edward wiped his dirty hands on his shirt before taking the envelope. He looked at it closely and was surprised at who it was from. Sam. His best friend.
"Thanks," Edward said tucking the letter in his back pocket.
"Don't you want to read it?" Charlie asked, curious about the effects the letter would have on Edward.
"Later," Edward said, focusing his attention on the task in front of him.
Charlie respected the line Edward drew and continued to work along side of him. Edward had no clue what Sam would be writing him for. He mentioned in his letter to his parents to let Sam know he missed him. He just hoped Sam's letter wasn't begging him to come home, Edward felt too guilty.
Isabella and Alice stood outside the one roomed school house as the children ran around and played, the breeze blowing their dresses in the wind.
"Izzy, I have to tell you something, and you have to promise me not to tell a soul," Alice stated. The need to get this secret off of her chest was eating away at her.
"Cross my heart," Isabella told her, making a cross with her hands over her chest.
"Sarah is taking over my job - Jasper and I are getting married...soon. Very soon." Alice said. Isabella raised her eyebrows in shock.
"Mary Alice!" she gasped. "No!" Isabella said. She knew the only reason to rush a marriage. Pregnancy.
"Yes, I am so ashamed. I will be married eight months - if I am lucky - before I give birth. I don't know what happened...It just did one night!"
"No one will say anything to either of you," Isabella said. "You are not the first, and you won't be the last."
"But people will talk in secret about it."
"Who cares," Isabella shrugged. "I am happy for you, for you both!" Isabella hugged her friend tightly. "But I am not pleased I have to work with Sarah. It's bad enough she has her eye on Ed-" Isabella stopped herself. She hadn't spoken of her relationship with Edward.
"Edward? Really Izzy? So, I am not the only one keeping secrets," Alice tsked.
"Fine, so I am not the only one with a secret to keep," Isabella shrugged. Alice crossed her heart and they laughed. "He is...gosh - I haven't said what he is out loud yet. He is wonderful Alice, he protects me. And he is an amazing kisser...a wonderful teacher," Isabella said suggestively.
"Really!" Alice gushed.
"Yes! And Alice...he is so lost and scared. I just want to comfort him, fix him. I don't know that I can. He won't tell me anything about his life before - he is afraid he will hurt me. He has anger problems." Isabella whispered. "But I never felt safer than I do with him," she made sure to add.
"Izzy! Izzy!" Rachel yelled running into Isabella's arms, excited because her friend Kelly had given her a wooden chick.
"Look what Kelly gave me!" Rachel said, holding out the chick.
"That was very nice of her! Did you say thank you?" Isabella asked, holding Rachel in her arms.
"I did! I love chicks!" Rachel exclaimed. Isabella placed her down with a smile and a pat on the head.
"Go play, we are going in soon," she said as Rachel ran away with her new toy.
Edward sat on the edge of the bed debating about opening the letter. He finally relented and tore open the side, pulling out the folded piece of paper.
Edward,
Your parents were kind enough to let me know about the letter you wrote home, and told me you asked about me.
I need to tell you about some things going on here. Things I think you deserve to know since you left. About Emily. And about me.
When you left, she was heartbroken. She wanted to help you. She was hurt more emotionally by your departure than the physical scars you left on her face. She wanted me to tell you to stop blaming yourself. She knows that you never meant to hurt her. We both just want the best for you. We love you. And in your absence, we found each other.
I thought you had a right to know. I love her. I am going to take care of her.
I hope whatever it is you're doing there is working. We both hope you find the peace you deserve. Emily and I understand if you feel betrayed by us, but we hope to meet up with you again one day.
Love you, man.
Sam
Edward crushed the paper in his hand. Not because his girlfriend moved on with his best friend, but because his best friend reminded him of the pain he caused her before he left. Edward couldn't understand how she was so understanding, how she was willing to forgive him for what he did to her.
Edward's mind flashed back to the moment he threw the heavy wall mirror off the wall. How it had shattered inches from Emily. She had shielded her face but it wasn't enough. Glass had ricocheted off the wall and sliced her face. She had needed eighty stitches on the left side of her face - forever scarred by Edward's carelessness. Edward hadn't even stopped or even noticed that his girlfriend was hurt. He'd just kept on destroying everything in sight in the apartment that they had shared.
Edward could see red - he was going to break down. He feared for what could get in his line of fire in Charles's house. He stood from the bed quickly, rushing to the door and swinging it open. On the other side stood Bella; her eyes soft.
Edward didn't need to go any further. He reached for her and hugged her to him as hard as he could. Her small body crushed against his. She could feel every crease, every line, and his heart beating out of his chest, his breath sweet and warm on her neck. Then she felt something wet, as his tears spilled onto her shoulder as he remembered the monster he had become.
Isabella feared her mother or father catching them, but she feared the effects of letting him go more. She worked slowly to push against his stone cold body, just to inch him into the room so that she could close the door to provide him privacy in his moment of weakness.
Once Isabella had him in the room and the door closed, he moved more easily. He walked back to the bed and pulled her onto it with him, holding her just as close. Isabella moved her fingers against his cheeks, and pushed her hand through his hair, causing it to stand in disarray, the way she liked it best.
"BB, are you okay?" Isabella whispered. She refused to break eye contact with her green-eyed god.
"The fire is licking at my heels. I keep running into walls, and I can't seem to break them down without you." Edward said. "If I didn't know you, I am sure I would have given up the fight, stopped running from the fire, and just succumbed to smoke inhalation. You break down the walls so I can walk through them." Edward told her.
"Tell me what happened?" Isabella asked. She had come to him to demand to know what had happened between him and Sarah, when he had broken down into her waiting arms. She completely forgot that she was angry with him.
"I hurt someone I loved. Her name was Emily. My best friend Sam wrote me a letter here, telling me that they were together now," Edward began.
"Oh, and you're upset that she moved on?" Isabella asked. She never would have guessed that he was running from a girlfriend.
"No, I'm just angry at the reminder of the pain I caused her. Because I am screwed up, I am dangerous. I hurt her, Bella - and he wants me to know that she isn't mad! It's such a joke! She was beautiful, ya know? She had long black hair, really shiny...and this olive complexion. Her eyes were black, with like hints of golden brown. She was a model. I took that from her - her beauty. I got mad and I threw a mirror, and it sliced her face. Her entire left side of her face looks like a werewolf attacked her! And he wants to tell me she forgives me. How he will take care of her! That she isn't pissed at me! She should be! How can she NOT be?" Edward finished. Isabella began to cry, listening to the sad story, at how broken he was.
"Because she understands, Edward. There is something inside you that isn't a part of you that makes you so angry. It doesn't define you. Sure, sometimes it maybe able to control you but you fight against it. You are a good man. I believe that - and so does she. I just wish you would."
Isabella slowly brought her lips to Edward's as she kissed him, relishing the taste of his tears mixed with hers as they kissed each other. The feel of her hands in his hair, his hands on her face. He moved his hand down her side and lifted her leg over his hip. Her dress was much higher than the acceptable length as Edward moved his hand up and down her thigh.
He began to feel needy for her. His kiss grew more aggressive as he rolled on top of her. He reached up her skirt and wiggled off her underwear, tossing them to his floor. "God, I want you, Bella," he breathed into her neck.
"Take me," she said, as he unbuttoned his pants and freed his aching cock. He stopped for a moment and looked down at her, brushing some hair off of her forehead.
His raised his eyebrows before asking, "Are you sure?"
Isabella nodded, raising her knees. Edward moved his cock to her center and began to push in slowly. Isabella closed her eyes in fear, waiting for the pain.
"Did you do it yet?" she asked, as Edward groaned.
"Ah, huh." he managed.
Isabella was pleased that it didn't hurt. Sure, it felt a little uncomfortable, but it was not painful. Edward moved slowly inside Isabella, letting her get used to the feeling of being filled. He planned on filling her often. She felt connected to him- they were made to fit together. Meant to make one.
"You are okay?" Edward asked - he wasn't sure how much longer he could maintain his slow pace.
"Ah, huh," Isabella echoed his words.
Edward moved faster, as he felt himself coming undone. He pulled out and let his seed spill onto Isabella's inner thigh.
"I'm sorry - I didn't have a condom. That was a bit unexpected, we missed a few lessons." Edward said as he cleaned her up.
"No, it was great, unexpected is good," Isabella said.
"That couldn't have been good for you; I didn't even get you to come before I got my shit all over your thigh. I can't believe I let your first time be like that," Edward beat himself up.
"You are really good at that you know? Beating yourself up," Isabella said. "I loved every second of it. I loved feeling so close and connected to you - it was like we were one. I loved it." Isabella said firmly.
"Oh yeah, tell me what you loved so much about it," Edward said, doubting she was being truthful. He was positive she was just trying to make him feel better.
"You probably don't even remember. It was just this thing. There you were, above me, and you started brushing my hair off of my forehead, and it felt so nice. It made me feel... safe. Like no matter what, you were gonna protect me. Years from now, when I think back, I'm not gonna remember the clumsy positioning or awkwardness you are causing now, or if the experience itself met the textbook definition of great sex. What I'm gonna remember is how sweet you were, and how you took me to this brand new place. So please - stop ruining my post-coital bliss!"
Edward didn't respond to Isabella's explanation. He couldn't argue with her. He didn't believe she was lying; he just wasn't sure how to accept how quickly he had taken her virginity. He needed her more than anything. He pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair.
"It's like you get this picture in your head of the way things should be, and you end up closing yourself off to some of the wonder and serendipity of the actual experience. I think that's what you do to yourself. Just accept that this is how I lost my virginity, that I wouldn't trade it for the world," Isabella whispered to him. "I mean, is there more to your regret? Was I bad?"
"You think you were bad? That is absurd. I am embarrassed by how quickly I came. I used to pride myself on being able to go for hours. I haven't finished that fast jerking off. It was amazing for me - trust me. I just didn't want you to regret it. I only regret it if you regret it."
"Well I don't." Isabella told him. "Expect more later," Isabella said, getting off of his bed. Edward smirked at her as she kissed his lips quickly.
"I'll be waiting," he said, as Isabella peeked out his door. She didn't even think about the possibility that the sounds they had made would have been heard easily in a home with no electricity. There was no TV, radio, air conditioners or heaters to drown out the sounds.
Oh well, she thought. What is done is done. Hopefully if it was heard it would be treated like everything else, ignored.
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