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CHAPTER 9
Bella ran frantically through the cornfields, lost. In all her years surrounded by the tall cornstalks she had never feared getting lost in them but right now, she was lost. She pushed the stalks out of her way as she ran in what seemed like circles. Searching. Her hands in front of her as she stumbled, her feet slipping in the dirt. Her face would have met the ground had a hand not reached out and steadied her.
She looked up, hoping to see Edward. Her protector. It wasn't him though – it was James. His smile condescending, frightening. She shrugged away from him, but he stalked her like she was his prey. In her attempt to escape she fell backward, landing on her butt. She used her hands and legs to move herself further away from him.
That is when she saw it, the gun he held at his side. "No, please," she begged. He knelt down, cocked his head to one side and stroked her face.
"Run, and don't ever come back," he barely whispered as a warning.
Bella got on her feet, turned her back and ran. It got dark as she ran straight ahead. A small light could be seen in the distance but, it seemed to be miles away. When she finally reached the light, it blinded her. She shielded her eyes from the bright sun, and began to focus on the one room school house
She didn't see Edward but she heard his words: "I should have killed him when I had the chance."
Bella woke up crying. Not because she was scared, but because of how she missed him. How she ached for him.
She had been fitting in well in school. Mike had been very welcoming, inviting her to sit with him and his friends at lunch. She found a few of the girls a little snobby, but she tried to fit in. She could tell Lauren had a thing for Mike and how blind he was to it.
No one had found out that she was pregnant yet. She wasn't sure how that was going to work out. If maybe one day she should just say: "hey – by the way, not sure if you know this, but I'm expecting." It just didn't feel right. So she kept it to herself, for as long as Mike would let her.
She sat down at the lunch table, across from Mike who always smiled warmly at her. "Hey," she said, addressing everyone at the table. Everyone smiled up at her as she sat, getting ready to eat the sandwich she had packed for herself.
"So Bella," Mike began, "I was wondering...do you think...um...do you want to go see a movie with me?" he asked her nervously.
Bella bit off more then she could chew, surprised at being asked out. She noticed the glare Lauren shot over at her then Mike.
"Excuse me?" Bella asked again, trying to hide her shock.
"You know, do you want to go out on a date...with me?" Mike asked again.
"Oh," Bella said flatly. "A date," she repeated. "I, ah...I don't date," she told him.
"What you're not allowed?" Mike asked, thinking that her parents must be very overprotective. If he only knew.
"I just don't think I should right now," Bella said.
"Bella, you're sixteen – now is the best time to be dating," Mike stated.
Bella struggled with how to tell her new friends that she was pregnant. She was, and there was no use hiding it.
"I thought that you knew," Bella addressed the table, all of whom were listening for Bella to agree to a date with Mike.
"Knew what?" Lauren asked, expectantly.
"That I'm pregnant," she swallowed. Mike nearly dropped his drink in his lap, while Lauren spit hers out.
"No, Bella. You never told us that," Mike said.
"I didn't know you were seeing someone, Bella! Who is he? Tell us about him?" Lauren asked.
"I'm not seeing anyone, and I really don't want to talk about him," Bella said.
"It's cool, I mean – I understand why you don't want to date...but the offer still stands," Mike added, and he meant it.
Lauren picked up her tray, and huffed away. She couldn't believe that he would rather date a pregnant girl than her.
"You should ask Lauren, she really likes you," Bella told Mike, eating more of her sandwich, and thinking of no one but Edward.
The news about the new girl spread fast, thanks to Lauren. Bella just put her best foot forward, determined to spend the short amount of time she had left as normally as possible. She could handle it. She was happy that her new friends didn't run away scared.
She spent most nights in her new room sketching his face. His hands. The muscles in his back. His eyes. His strong jaw. Her favorite was his lopsided smile. She wondered what features the child she carried would share with him.
She knew her sister was willing to take the baby if she wanted to go back. She also knew she couldn't choose Edward over the baby. She struggled every day with the choice she made to leave. At first, she thought that she would go back and tell Edward. Now she wondered how he would ever forgive her, if he would ever understand. If he would move on, embrace being Amish, and then for her to selfishly go and tell him when it was too late. She wondered if she was really being the selfish one.
There was no way for her to know what choice was best for everyone – or if there was even a choice that would work for everyone. Edward needed peace, not a baby. He was terrified of hurting her, how would he feel if he hurt his own child? How would he feel having that fear everyday? She had to hope that he understood why she left.
She pictured telling him everyday in her mind. Sometimes he was shocked; other times he told her that he couldn't do it or that he wasn't ready. She tried so hard to picture him smiling at the news but she never could.
Bella walked in the apartment after school, dropping her school bag with a thud at the door. She wasn't prepared for all the heavy books that accompanied an English education.
"How was school?" Rose asked, shutting off her vacuum and pointing to it. "These things are wonderful," she told her sister.
"It was fine aside from having to tell people I am pregnant...everyone was staring at me all day. It was nice, for a little while I was just a normal girl and no one stared." Bella sighed, sitting down on the couch.
"I'm sorry," Rose said, sitting next to her sister. She wrapped her arm around her shoulders to comfort her. "What are you going to do?"
"I just have to keep doing what I am doing. Take care of myself, and the baby. Hope that Edward gets better. Hope he doesn't resent me. It's not as if I don't plan on telling him...but he needs time. I just hope six months is long enough. Do you think God has forsaken me?" Bella asked her sister.
"No, Izzy! He forgives."
"Because, I think my prayers are the only hope I have that Edward will be ready in time."
"It will all work out for the best," Rose told her sister. Bella rolled her eyes at the cliché. "Emmett and I are here for you. For the baby. Whatever you need, okay?"
"I know Rose," Bella rested her head on Rose's shoulder as she stroked her hair.
"I can see you love him, if he is a smart man, he will understand. If he is so screwed up that he wishes to be Amish instead of English..." Rose trailed off with a laugh.
"Rose! Stop!" Bella laughed. "Don't condemn him like that. He isn't that screwed up, he is lost." Bella said with hope. She remembered all of the times that her father talked about willing things to happen by words; that words were powerful and the simple act of speaking badly could give them power.
Bella wanted to speak positive things about Edward if that were true. She wanted to scream from rooftops that he would forgive himself.
Edward found himself enjoying the companionship he shared with Sarah. It was nice to finally have a friend. The way she valued her way of life made it so easy to just be with her.
If Bella could move on, so could he. He wasn't going to wait and hope that she'd come back. His life was easier here, and he would do his best to become one of them.
He was aware that Sarah was hoping for more to happen between the two of them, and he couldn't lead her on knowing that his heart was still with Bella. He knew that it wouldn't be fair to either of them.
Edward found himself back at the general store he first went to with Bella, picking up some things for Renee. He struggled to find the seemingly random placement of food, farm tools, and paper products.
After spending twenty minutes trying to locate the three items, he went to stand in line. His eyes wandered out the dirt covered window as he watched cars, horses, and people pass by.
Then he saw him – James. The mark that he'd left on Bella's arm flashed through his mind and he could hear his chest rumble as anger washed over him.
"Next," the cashier said to Edward. Edward looked at him – for a brief second he considered Bella's wishes to forgive, but what were promises to people that left? He dropped the items on the counter, and stormed out the door.
James was walking, heading toward the corner bar when Edward grabbed his shoulder and jerked him back. "What the fuck, dude?" James yelled.
"I hear that you like to push yourself on unwilling girls," Edward told him with a shove.
"Dude, that girl has been begging for it," James said, putting his hands up. Edward grabbed his shirt by the collar and pushed him into the side of the bar. He slammed James against the wall, letting his head hit the brick with a thud.
Edward didn't find the need to use his words on James any longer. Only his fists. He held him against the wall with his left arm as his right fist pounded into his stomach, causing James to buckle over in pain.
He hit him in the face with his right hook, sending his face violently to the left with a spray of blood.
"Edward!" Sarah called in shock.
Edward looked back, and loosened his grip on James, letting him slump over.
"Come with me?" She asked holding out her hand. "This isn't the way," she coaxed him. "If Charles finds out he will make you leave, please Edward."
Edward looked at James and spit. "You're lucky. I should have killed you," he said letting him go, his body falling to the hard ground. Edward knew his anger towards James had nothing to do with his flashbacks. It was the first time since returning from overseas that he got violent with someone over something that had nothing to do with that.
He didn't like to fight. He wished that he could be the type of man that turned the other cheek, but not when it came to hurting Bella. He wasn't pleased and he didn't feel better about hurting James. For a split-second, he saw some progress within himself. No sooner did he feel ill about the blood that had splattered out of James' face, he never wanted to harm anyone again. It reminded him of the unspeakable act he committed. The reason he was here; to find peace, to live without violence.
Bella was right. Edward may have hurt James; caused him to hurt and bleed, but it didn't change anything. James had still hurt Bella. Now what was there? Justice? No. Edward didn't feel like he had fixed the situation. Tomorrow would come, and Bella would still have the memory of James attacking her.
Edward walked towards Sarah's outstretched hand, but he didn't acknowledge her – he walked past her without looking at her. He heard her walking closely behind him and he spoke to her without turning his attention to her. "What are you doing here?" he asked, stopping.
"I was in the store Edward, when you rushed out, I didn't know if something was wrong," she told him, touching his arm.
He finally turned and looked at her, "Are you going to tell?" he asked, looking down. He wasn't ashamed for what he did. He believed James deserved a hell of a lot more then he got.
"No," she said, shaking her head.
"Are you afraid of me?" he asked her.
"No," she repeated, stepping closer to him.
"Do you want to know what that was about?"
"No," she told him.
"No one asks any questions here, it's like the Army: don't ask, don't tell." Edward said, walking back towards the store to get the things he had promised Renee.
It was part of what he liked about living there. No one asked, and he didn't have to tell. Bella was different. She wasn't cut out to be quiet and reserved. It was in her nature to question things, to seek out knowledge and learn everything she could. Edward knew she wasn't made to live inside the small box that he struggled to fit into.
Edward offered Sarah a ride back to her house in his buggy. They made small talk on the leisurely ride. He asked her about school and she tested him on the German she had been teaching him. The weather was getting colder, and the trees were getting bare.
Edward pulled the horse to a halt outside of Sarah's home. He climbed out and went around to the other side of the buggy, extending his hand to Sarah, who gingerly placed her hand in his as she stepped down. "Thank you, Edward."
"I'm sorry about all that back there," Edward said, feeling the need to apologize.
"I won't say I wasn't a bit scared. We don't respond in anger. I suppose that is something you will learn in time here," Sarah told him.
"I hope," Edward replied. "I'll see you around?"
Sarah nodded with a smile before giving him a small wave and heading into her house.
"Did you find everything okay?" Charles asked Edward, wondering what had taken him so long.
"Yes, I bumped into Sarah," Edward told him.
"I knew you two would hit it off," Charles smiled at Edward.
"She is a nice girl, very helpful," Edward told him.
"Her father is weary of you, since you aren't baptized," Charles started to explain.
"I don't mean to be leading her in that direction, sir." Edward was a bit taken back that people assumed he was courting her.
"It would be good for you to court her, to start making steps to make your life here more permanent. I don't think her father will stop it," Charles told him.
"Like I said, she is a friend." Edward didn't want to make Charles think he wasn't trying. He also didn't want to lead Sarah on. But he enjoyed her company. Beside Charles and Renee, he didn't have anyone else he considered a friend. Maybe it was selfish of him, but he didn't want to stop seeing her.
Later that night when the house was quiet and dark, Edward was awake and staring up at the ceiling, wishing he could find some comfort.
Soon, his eyes were too heavy and his lids closed, allowing his dreams to take over his mind.
"Bella!" he called out, as he watched her run into the cornfields. He chased after her, desperate to find her. "Bella!" he yelled again. In the distance he heard the faint crying of an infant. Whatever direction Bella was running in was taking him closer to the cries.
He came to a stop and bent over to catch his breath. He looked up when he heard a rustling and saw her.
"Bella!" he called out again. She didn't look, or hear – or maybe she was simply ignoring him.
He kept getting glimpses of her, realizing that she was running scared. He felt like he could almost reach out and touch her.
He knew he was getting closer to her. He stopped. He felt like everything was spinning around him. When the world around him had turned in a complete circle and stopped, James stood before him.
"I told her to run. It's gonna get ugly," he told Edward holding up the gun.
"I should have killed you when I had the chance," Edward said, as James pointed the gun at him. He smirked and then turned his aim to the left. Edward followed the aim of the gun.
Sarah stood unaware, as James pulled the trigger, the bullet whizzed through the air, hitting Sarah's chest. Her scream was silent and her body fell with a thud.
Edward thought of how vivid his dream was, how it held nothing of his past. He wondered if it was a good thing that he didn't dream about being the murderer. He wondered why he would dream about Sarah being shot. Was it because she had witnessed the fight he had with James? He hoped he hadn't set her up to be James newest prey. Maybe that is what he feared.
The way his dream ended distracted him from the fact that there was an infant crying in the beginning. But in the back of his mind, even when Sarah was shot in his dream he could still hear the cries.
He never put much stock in his dreams. Before the war, his dreams always seemed to be screwed up versions of something random in his day. These dreams, they were new. Different. Nothing like he had ever had before. He was helpless in them. He couldn't control them, or will them to change. He couldn't wake up from them. As much as he screamed inside to wake up, he couldn't. They were mentally paralyzing; and all they did was make him wish for Bella.
He only saw her for a brief second, but he would take it. She was so real. He couldn't imagine her that vividly. He wanted to dream of her every night. Even if it did make him helpless, and even if he only saw her for a moment.
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