SM owns, not me.
ScottishRose1028 beta'd this for me super fast!
Starla did some awesome pre reading for me, and she needs more support over on the thread on twilighted...
Edward drove as fast as he could to find Bella. He wouldn't acknowledge how much he missed driving, or the technology behind the GPS that was leading him exactly to where he needed to go in order to find Bella.
When Edward finally pulled into Rolling Green Apartments it was dark, and his stomach was growling in protest for food. Being hungry Edward could handle. He could even handle being starving.
What he couldn't handle was the way that his stomach lurched at the thought of finding Bella, at finding out what was going on with her. The way it felt like it was lodged in his throat.
Edward glanced down at the apartment number one more time, 13A. Edward opened the car door, his knees weak as he steadied himself on the car door. He took a deep breath before closing the door and walking forward.
He glanced at the first door he saw, 7A. Six doors up, he told himself. Six more doors until Bella. With each step his legs wobbled more, his stomach tightened, and he began to sweat.
"Will I see you again?" Edward recalled the last thing he said to her.
"I don't know," Edward heard her voice clear as a bell.
Why didn't I tell her I loved her? Edward chastised himself. She didn't speak the words to him either. Was it too painful for her or did she not mean them? With each step Edward became increasingly less assured in the relationship he had with her. He knew he loved her. He thought she loved him, but his thoughts were becoming pessimistic.
You made it this far, Edward reminded himself as he stood outside apartment 13A. He had been standing there for several minutes, frozen by all the ways he feared that Bella didn't feel as strongly for him.
Finally he let his finger hit the door bell. He pulled at his hair as he heard the locks on the door being turned.
A tall muscular man opened the door. "Can I help you?" he asked the stranger that stood before him.
Edward cleared his throat. "I was looking for Isabella Swan, I'm Edward Cullen," Edward said holding out his hand to shake it.
"She isn't home," Emmett told him. He didn't extend his hands to Edward's – he didn't like anything he had heard so far about this man.
"Honey, who is here?" Rose called out as she walked toward the door.
"Edward Cullen. He is looking for your sister," Emmett said as Rose came to his side at the door.
"She went out with friends for the night," Rose said looking Edward up and down.
"Listen, I don't mean to intrude, but I really need to talk to her," Edward said.
"I'm sorry, but Izzy doesn't want anything to do with you," Rose lied. She felt like she was protecting her sister and her unborn child.
Edward looked at her in confusion. "If you don't mind, I'd rather hear it from her," Edward told her.
"Edward, dude," Emmett said stepping forward. "She left for a reason. I don't know what type of twenty-one year old guy that wants to fuck around with barely sixteen-year-old girls, but it's over. She is out with people her own age, trying to make a new start for herself," Emmett told him. Emmett didn't trust Edward as far as he could throw him.
Edward wanted to argue, tell him Bella wasn't some average sixteen-year-old girl. However, he knew it was pointless. He knew how the world worked. He knew no matter what he said, he would still be viewed as some low life. People didn't accept excuses because that is all they were; reasons people do things that never seem to be good enough to justify the actions. There was no forgiveness among them.
"I'm not going to try and justify my relationship with Bella. I will fight for her...and I don't know why because I won't even fight for myself. I never told her this...but when I was eighteen...I had...everything. A loving family, a girlfriend I was head over heels for, and an acceptance letter to Dartmouth...and you know what I chose?" Edward laughed to himself. "I chose to join the Army. I chose to fight... I mean up until 9/11...there was nothing that united us as a country, really. People just blundered through life until they died, and we kill each other – which is clearly insane. But here's the thing...when it's something that matters...we fight. And Bella, she matters to me." Edward told them.
"Don't fight for her...please. I don't want my sister to suffer like your old girlfriend," Rose said, stabbing Edward through the chest.
"Neither do I," Edward told her. "And if she wants to tell me that she is afraid of me, she can."
Edward knew no matter what he said, they would never think he was good enough for her. He would go, because they would never let him stay. He turned to leave.
He slowly found his way back to his rental car and just sat there, unsure of what to do. Of what to think. His pessimistic thoughts ate away at every ounce of hope he had that Bella did love him.
Headlights flashed across his face as a car pulled in. Edward watched the car as it parked two rows in front of him. A teenage boy got out of the car and in a gesture that seemed to be lost with the times, he helped what one could only assume was his date out of the car.
Edward couldn't believe it. He wouldn't miss that girl anywhere. Bella. He watched as her hand lingered in his before she wrapped the coat around her.
He watched as the boy walked her to the front door. He remembered being a teenager, how uncomfortable and unsure you felt after a date. The only thought playing in your mind was whether or not a kiss would end the night.
His stomach churned as he watched him kiss her. It wasn't a long passionate kiss, it appeared short and sweet. The boy took his jacket back, and to Edward, it seemed he was smiling in victory as he walked away.
Edward's world came crashing down. His thoughts screamed at him, "I told you so," "I knew she didn't love you!"
She left. She wasn't hurting. She obviously wasn't raped. She was dating. Edward summed up his dreams as his own selfish way of making her need him because of how much he needed her. It made him feel better if she needed him, balanced things out. But that wasn't the case, as was made evident by Bella's date.
She was doing exactly what she said she wanted to do, being normal.
Edward put the key in the ignition and prepared to go back. He would move on and find the peace he had come searching for.
When Bella came in from her date neither Rose nor Emmett told her that Edward had come to find her. Bella couldn't wait to unbutton the god awful jeans she was wearing; she didn't even wait until she was in her room. She let out a sigh of relief as her small bump was let free.
She wasn't sure what part of her told her to go outside, but she was drawn to the door. She turned around and swung the door open. She looked to the right and left as her hand rested on her stomach. She didn't think she saw anything. She wasn't even sure what she was looking for, who she was looking for.
Edward, she thought to herself. She shook her head of the thought as she watched him unknowingly drive away. It was silly, she told herself. He wasn't going to come find her.
"Izzy, what are you doing?" Rose asked,
"I just thought I …" felt someone? She thought to herself. "I don't know," she shrugged not wanting to sound crazy.
"How was shopping?" Rose asked. "Did you get anything?"
"I actually hated it," Bella told her.
"I love shopping! Are you crazy?" Rose laughed.
"Rose, you are good at everything. You can fit in anywhere," Bella sighed annoyed with her perfect sister. "Me, I don't feel Amish and I don't feel English. I have no idea who I am or what I want," Bella complained.
"That is because you are unique. You don't follow, you lead," Rose told her. Because she was envious of how independent her sister had always been.
"Actually, I should stop lying to everyone, myself included. I have been sure of something...Edward," Bella said, releasing that information was like letting go of a bag of bricks.
"Oh, Izzy!" Rose said with a hint of compassion. She just didn't trust him not to hurt her sister. She wanted to protect her. She chalked it up to how young her sister was. "God has a plan...for you both," she told her sister with a hug.
"I am tired, Rose. I think I am going to head to bed," Bella said. "Good night Emmett," she waved.
"Night Bells," he smiled brightly at her. Being twenty-one himself, he would never even think about sleeping with a sixteen-year-old. He didn't feel one ounce of guilt for telling Edward to get lost tonight. He was happy she hadn't been home.
Bella didn't go to sleep. Instead she pulled out her sketch book and sketched him. She started with his eyes. It was almost as if he was looking at her. When she sketched his mouth, it was his smirk and he was smirking at her.
She zoned out as she drew more. Her thoughts swirling in her head about their child. Before she knew it, the picture in front of her was Edward swaddling an infant. The smirk was no longer directed at her, but at the child he held in his arms. His eyes were not sparkling at her, but at the infant.
She closed the book in frustration. She wanted that picture to be reality. She ached to see that come to life one day, but wondered if it ever would.
Edward, I love you. Edward, I miss you. Edward, forgive me. The thoughts invaded her. She wanted to shut them out, but they wouldn't relent.
Bella found herself wishing she knew more about what happened to him. With so little information about his past she wasn't sure she made the right choice. She remembered something Lauren had said earlier in the day, "Google it."
Bella had questioned her about that statement, and in doing so, learned that the internet held massive amounts of information. Rose and Emmett had a computer. Bella jumped out of her bed and made her way into the living room where the computer sat on a small desk against the wall.
Bella had limited experience with computers, but had gained more since being in school. She clicked on the icon that said 'Internet Explorer' and was pleased when she saw an icon for Goggle.
Edward Cullen, she typed with her index fingers. She clicked 'search' when she was done and waited for the results.
Private Edward Cullen presumed dead; returns home from being held hostage.
Cover Girl Model Emily Young hospitalized after domestic dispute with boyfriend.
Bella swallowed back all the information she was reading. Edward had been held hostage. His family had thought that he had died. There were no details about what he had gone through, and Bella couldn't even begin to imagine the things he had experienced. The government went to great lengths to keep the fact that Edward had killed a fellow solider for his freedom from the public.
Bella read the statements that had been released by his parents when they thought that he was dead, protecting our freedom. Soon the articles changed, becoming celebratory over the miracle that Edward had survived, he was alive and returning home. He was a local hero. There was a parade. She saw a few pictures of him, he was smiling. She knew him well enough to know that it didn't meet his eyes. Why didn't anyone else notice he wasn't truly happy? Bella wondered.
Soon, everything blew up with Emily.
She clicked on the picture of Emily. She was flawless. Bella couldn't believe how beautiful she was. She scrolled down further, only to see the scars Edward had inflicted. The article made him out to be a monster. Bella knew that was not the man she fell in love with.
Bella searched and searched trying to find out details about the time he spent as a hostage. She came across horrible stories of other soldiers being beheaded, but there wasn't much about Edward's awful ordeal. She wondered if he had watched anyone die, if he had been beaten and how hungry he must have been. All of it was too much for her to handle.
She was beginning to see just how much hate could destroy people, how little she actually knew about it, and how it ate away at people.
Home, she thought. At home, there wasn't hate. Was it home? Could she ever go back now that she had made the choice to have this baby out of wedlock? Would they allow her to come home if she wanted or had she banished herself the moment she fell in love with the child she carried?
Edward returned the rental car, dejected. He didn't even care that he had five miles to walk back to Charles' house. He was in no rush. He walked sullenly down the quiet road, kicking rocks in frustration on his way.
Was she lying to him about her feelings? Just using him? Was he just something for her to attain? A challenge conquered to add to some list she had?
Edward wasn't sure if he was more heartbroken or angry. By the time Edward got back, it was time to start working. He didn't want Charles to cut him any slack, so he went right to work.
It was no surprise when Charles told Edward to go get some rest, and when Edward told him he was "fine." Charles didn't ask the details of what happened, all that he knew was that whatever had happened, his daughter didn't return with Edward and Edward didn't stay with her. He was sure that Edward's heart was broken – which he didn't think was such a bad thing. For if Edward could love enough to get hurt, he could find the forgiveness inside to forgive himself.
There wasn't much work to do since it was Sunday morning. Edward cleaned himself up and changed before he headed to the barn for service.
On his way to the barn he saw her. Sarah. He saw her for what felt like the first time. She smiled at him, her blue eyes twinkling. A few strands of her blonde hair had fallen loose in her bun, curling slightly around her ivory face. Her cheek bones were high and round. She was breathtaking.
"Sarah," Edward said hello to her with a nod.
"You look exhausted," she noted taking in his appearance.
He shrugged the comment off as he made eye contact with Mary Alice. She looked at him sadly and he gave her a defeated smile that told her "I tried."
Sarah took Edward by his forearm and pulled him to the side of the barn so that they were out of sight from most of the community.
"Levi asked my father if he could marry me," she told him trying to gauge his reaction. "I don't have a reason not to agree," she explained, desperately wanting Edward to give her a reason to deny him.
"Is that what you want?" he asked her, her hand still wrapped around his arm.
"I don't know" she told him, her voice shaking. "I want to marry...but there is someone I have been falling in love with, I-I just don't know if he-he feels the same," she said stuttering a little in her attempt to tell Edward her feelings.
"You won't know unless you ask him," Edward told her. He could love her. He did love her. He couldn't ask for a better friend. She was always honest with him – something that in this moment he couldn't say about Bella.
"I'm trying to," she sighed, her eyes were downcast. She slowly let her hand slide into his as her eyes moved up to look in his. Edward intertwined his fingers with hers.
"Don't marry him," he whispered giving her the reason she longed for. He wasn't sure what was acceptable, but he did want to kiss her. He leaned down, and touched his lips to hers for a brief moment. "Give me a chance?" Edward asked.
Sarah nodded with a shy smile. "We had better go...the service is going to be starting soon."
"After you," Edward said, taking his hand from hers and motioning for her to go first. He wasn't sure if he would ever love her the way he loved Bella, but he knew he could love her easily. He needed to start the life he came here looking for.
They walked into the barn together; he went to sit on the side with the men as she separated to go sit with the woman.
Edward wasn't sure of much except that he wanted to be happy. He wanted to move on from the paralyzing fear that lived inside him, from the anger he couldn't suppress inside of him. The monster that scratched him from the inside, aching for him to just let it out and destroy everything, causing havoc and destruction to everything in its path as some sort of justice for the pain he suffered.
Edward knew that doing so would never make it right. That is why he was burying his feelings for Bella. Why he was allowing himself to love Sarah.
Review Please! It really means a lot to me! I will post a teaser on the Twilighted forum – and if you don't go there and want one – let me know in your review I will send you the teaser!
So please give it to me- to Edward. Is he justified in moving forward?