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Bella had built a fortress of lies. Inside its walls she felt safe. Through her fortress of lies she tried to run her life and unknowingly manipulate Edward. But her fortress needed higher walls, so she built them higher, more and more, everyday. They were justification for her lies. She felt like she was doing this to protect him, to keep him from feeling pain. Whatever worked to make her feel okay about the lies.
Despite her best efforts, it seemed her walls crumbled more and more each day. Would the base be strong enough to hold it together?
Her thoughts were invaded by him and he still showed up in her dreams. The pain of missing him was crippling her. She needed to know how he was and she fought with herself constantly over whether or not to go back.
If she went back, Edward would have to marry her right away so that they could stay. What if her father wouldn't allow it and forced them both to leave, thereby forcing Edward into the world he wasn't ready to live in?
Was he really as bad as he made himself out to be? Bella wasn't sure how to answer that question as she stared at the name and phone number for a Dr. Carlisle Cullen in Chicago, Illinois. Did his family think he was better off living Amish? Did they believe his PTSD was unmanageable while he remained surrounded by all the chaos in the English world? They had let him go. Perhaps they had let him go just because that was what he thought he needed, not necessarily because it was what he needed.
Emmett was at work and Rose had gone to the store. It wasn't often that Bella had time to herself, time enough to make a phone call that she didn't want an audience for.
Bella picked up the cordless phone and digit by digit her index finger pressed the numbers that would connect her to Edward's father.
The phone rang twice before it was answered abruptly, "Dr. Cullen's office can you please hold?"
Click.
Bella didn't even get a chance to say choke out her response. Her hand was shaking as she held the phone to her ear. She wasn't exactly sure what she was going to say, but she prayed that the Lord would give her the wisdom to say the right things.
"Thanks for holding, can I help you?" the frazzled woman asked.
"I would like to speak with Dr. Cullen, please," Bella said. Her voice was weak and shaky.
"He is in with patients right now, can I ask who is calling?" the woman sighed in annoyance.
"My name is Isabella Swan. And I was calling about his son, Edward," she explained.
"His son?" the secretary asked stunned. "One moment, I will get him," she told Bella, placing her on hold again before she had the chance to respond.
It wasn't even a minute before Carlisle picked up the phone. His stomach was in knots – he had only received one letter from his son since Edward had left. He feared that one day, a phone call would come to tell him that his son was dead or in jail.
"This is Dr. Cullen," he greeted the unknown caller. "You are calling about Edward? I-is he okay?" he asked nervously.
"Yes, sir," Bella said, trying to calm herself enough to stop shaking. "I'm Isabella, and Edward came to live with me in my home." Bella wasn't sure how to proceed. She grew more anxious as the words failed to exit her mouth. The questions she wanted to ask lingered in her throat. It was as if they hit a bump and couldn't make their way out. "Is he...I mean...okay?" Bella asked repeating the doctors question moments ago.
Bella heard him sigh into the phone, "It would be better to ask him that question."
Bella felt the sting of her tears swell up in her eyes and spill over. "I'm...I'm not sure how to ask him," She admitted with a sob.
"You care for my son," Carlisle stated it more then he asked it.
"Very much," Bella admitted.
"Has he done something to scare you or to make you question him?" Carlisle asked, genuinely scared that his son wasn't getting any better.
"He never hurt me and I was never afraid of him. It was obvious at times that he was afraid of himself. I don't know how lost he is. All I know is what I have read on the internet." Bella felt sneaky, like she went behind Edward's back.
"Edward should tell you his story," Carlisle told her, making her feel even worse. In essence telling her she shouldn't be fishing around for information.
"I left him. I don't know if it was right or wrong, because he wouldn't tell me anything. I'm expecting..." Bella's voice got weaker with each word. She pulled herself together. His father made no sound and she could hardly make out his breathing. "And, I um, I don't know. It's so complicated. I know he was so afraid of losing control and hurting me. I wasn't sure how he would respond, so I left. I tell myself everyday I left for him. To give him time, but everyday I doubt myself."
"I think he has a right to know, Bella, to be able to make that choice for himself. You shouldn't make that choice for him."
"I don't want to be Amish. If I stay with him there we will have to get married and I don't want to marry Amish. If he leaves, I fear the way he will act with all of the triggers, surrounded by all of the things he avoids by living simple. I want him to get better. I want him to learn to forgive himself."
"It seems to me you have a choice to make. Which one can you live with at the end of the day? Being Amish or taking a chance that Edward won't be the same with all the triggers and influences he has to deal with outside of the plain life?"
"You make me sound selfish," Bella breathed into the phone.
"Edward...he drank a lot. He was very distant and cold before he left. He could snap at the smallest detail. I knew he needed space to figure it out." Carlisle told Bella, avoiding having to actually say that he did believe she was being selfish. The lies were making her feel better, but not protecting his son.
"I should have told him. I should have let him make his choice. I just didn't want to take away the peace he was looking for. I didn't even see that I could have sacrificed being English to stay and be with him. Support him," Bella said choking on her stupidity.
Three Days Later
Was Edward telling himself a lie – and if he believed it to be true, how could it be a lie? He didn't discount his feelings for Bella or deny them, he buried them. He placed them in the back of his mind with countless other things he wished to keep hidden.
He was hurting and heartbroken over how little he believed she felt for him. Why should he sit around heartbroken when she had obviously moved on with her life?
It was so easy for her, effortless. She just left. She just started a new life. She didn't even seem to mourn losing Edward. The fight that was inside Edward was quickly extinguished when he saw her that night. There was nothing to fight for – not when the person didn't want you to fight for them anymore.
With Sarah it was simple; she cared for him and was falling in love with him. It made it effortless for Edward to return the feelings.
The Amish courtship made it even easier on Edward. Sarah, already being baptized, adhered to the strict rules of Amish dating. She would allow him to hold her hand, kiss her cheek, and peck her lips as long as they were in private. Those were the only changes to their relationship.
"My father, he is a bit upset that I turned down Levi's marriage proposal," Sarah told Edward as they walked hand in hand out of the school house. Edward came most days after the children were gone to see her.
"Are you?" he asked her.
"No," she smiled at him.
"Is he mad that you turned it down, or is he upset with the reason you turned it down?" Edward asked her, coming to a stop. He turned to face her as he held both of her hands.
"It isn't that he doesn't like you," she explained. "It's more that he doesn't understand you. He will feel much better about everything once you are baptized."
"Ah, the baptism," Edward said giving a gentle swing to their united hands. "Which – at the soonest – will be next September."
"Nine months," Sarah noted. "I like teaching at the school. I didn't want to give that up so soon anyway," she told him. "My mother has asked me to have you over for dinner in two days, would you come?"
"Yeah, of course." Edward smiled. "I would love to."
"Good," Sarah said returning his smile.
"In Chicago, it would be freezing right now. It's such a tame winter so far," Edward said.
"The weather here is fickle. One winter it snows like crazy, the next it doesn't even seem to get really cold but for a few days."
They began to walk again silently through the brisk winter air.
"Do you have family?" Sarah asked Edward trying to get to know him.
"Yes," Edward said, unsure if he actually wanted to discuss them with her.
"Are you close with them?" she pressed.
"I was," he sighed. He didn't want to make the same mistake he made with Bella. "When I was eighteen," he swallowed, keeping his eyes ahead of him, afraid to speak the words. "I joined the Army. I got sent to the Middle East to fight a war. My father was upset I chose to do that instead of follow in his footsteps."
"Your relationship was strained because of that?" Sarah asked, trying to understand.
"No, he got over it. He knew I wanted to make my own identity. Anyway, they got news that I was missing in action, most likely dead. I was a prisoner of war. I saw some really awful things, things I don't think you should ever have to hear about. I did things I am not proud of, things that...that I carry with me still. I have nightmares, and flashbacks, and I can lose myself. If you ever think that I am losing myself to a flashback, leave." He told her, stopping and begging her with his eyes to believe how serious he was about it.
She nodded at him.
"I left because I am not the same person anymore. I think my family misses me, I know I miss them. But I also know they want me to find peace again, and I feel like this is where I need to be to find it," Edward continued as they walked towards the buggy he had driven over.
"You may be changed, but you are still a good person. I can see it in you," Sarah said.
"I want to believe that," Edward said, helping her into the buggy.
He went to shut the half door to the buggy but Sarah reached out and placed her hand on his chest. She shook her head in disbelief. "Believe it, Edward," her voice strong and sure of the words they spoke to him.
Edward nodded at her. "Because I believe it," she added. Edward brought his forehead to hers, resting it there.
"Thank you," he whispered, letting the words sink in. Sarah moved her hand to Edward's sharp jaw letting her thumb stroke his face before she boldly touched her lips to his.
Edward kissed her back, part of him screaming in protest for Bella, while the other part piled more dirt to bury it deeper. He could hear something inside of him blaming him for losing her. What if he had just been as honest with Bella as he had been with Sarah? Then Bella would be the one making him feel better. In all honesty, Sarah may have known more, but Bella knew the depth of his problems. Something Edward wasn't sure he could ever show Sarah.
Edward heard the muffled scream inside his mind for Bella, before shoveling one last pile of dirt over the cries for Bella to be the one that was building him up right now.
But she wasn't. She had left. She had moved on. She couldn't have cared that much.
"I better get you home," Edward said, pulling away from Sarah with a sigh. He was disappointed. Had he never been with Bella, he would love Sarah, probably more than he ever loved Emily. But he did still love Bella.
He loved Sarah, just not nearly enough. Edward took Sarah home, going through the motions of being a complete gentleman. Pretending that his feelings for her were deep enough, good enough.
When we cannot get what we love, we must love what is within our reach. Right now, Sarah was within his reach and she was good to him. She was beautiful not only on the outside but on the inside.
Once Edward climbed in the buggy he could tell Sarah was unsure how to act after her bold kiss. She sat with her back straight and her hands folded in her lap as the buggy bounced up and down the road.
Edward didn't force the conversation and they rode in silence to her house. "You don't have to walk me up," she finally spoke to him.
"Okay, if you're sure," Edward said, his fingers running through his hair.
"I want to tell you something and you don't have to say anything back, okay?" Sarah said nervously.
"Okay," Edward said just as nervous.
"I love you," she spoke in one breath. "I know you probably aren't ready and that's fine. I just wanted you to know."
Edward shook his head – he was nowhere near ready to tell her that.
"See you tomorrow after school?" she asked, not wanting to make him feel obligated to respond to her. She didn't love him to be loved back – she loved him because she could. She understood that it wasn't as easy for him to return those feelings right now.
"Yeah," Edward smiled at her as she carefully exited the buggy. Once he saw that she was safely inside he began to take the short drive a few houses down to the place that was feeling more like home everyday.
As Edward walked toward the porch, Charles sat rocking in the chair and fidgeting with an envelope in his hands. Edward walked up the porch steps two at a time and Charles extended the envelope toward him. "This came for you today."
"Thanks," Edward said, expecting a letter from his parents. His stomach lurched into his throat as he recognized the handwriting of Bella.
He didn't even wait to open it in private, but just ripped it open. If she was saying goodbye it would tear his heart out but at least he could have closure and would be able to move on.
He did have a glimmer of hope that she was telling him she was coming back. What that would mean for Sarah, he wasn't entirely sure.
Edward,
I need to see you. I made a huge mistake. Please come and meet me on Friday. There is so much I need to tell you. So much I need to explain. So much that I need you to forgive me for.
I am going to stay at the hotel on Route 30 on Friday and wait for you. Whenever you can get there, please just get there.
I love you.
Bella
Edward read the words over and over, his stomach still in knots. He had no idea what to think. She wanted forgiveness? Was that good? Did that mean she wanted to come back? Edward was exhausted from all the questions, all the uncertainty of his life. She loved him still.
Edward was stunned at those words. He had just seen her kiss someone else, but maybe that was what it took for her to come back.
Friday...tomorrow. He had just promised Sarah that he would meet her after school. He wasn't sure how he was going to explain to her that he couldn't make it. He didn't want to lie to her; however he also didn't want to have to hurt her.
"Isabella?" Charles asked, as Edward's mind raced with a million questions.
"Yes, sir," Edward answered, still staring at the letter.
"Is she okay?" Charles asked. He wanted to know his daughter was okay. She still had the option to come back.
"She didn't say," Edward told him finally tearing his eyes from the letter to look into Charles' worried eyes.
Edward then began to worry himself. Why didn't she say that she was okay? Edward's eyes filled with the same fear as Charles'.
"I...ah…I'll let you know tomorrow after I see her," Edward assured him. He wasn't going to hide things from Charles anymore. Edward knew that Charles wouldn't try to seek Bella out but instead he would wait patiently for his daughter to return home on her own terms.
"Thanks, son," Charles said as he started rocking in the chair again.
"Please don't leave me," Sarah cried. "I need you." Her hands reached for Edward as he held her wrists to keep her from latching onto him.
"I have to go," he told her kindly. "You will be fine."
"No! No! Please just stay with me!" She begged again.
Edward was being pulled in two different directions and the pull from Bella was stronger than the pleas and cries from Sarah. He felt like a monster to leave her so upset like this.
"I'm scared," she whispered.
Edward held her close. "I'm sorry," he said smoothing her hair, his hand against her back. He felt warm liquid seep through his fingers. He lifted his hand took look at his fingers and palm covered in red liquid that seeped into all the cracks and fingerprints on his hand.
She collapsed in his arms. "I need you," she choked out, blood dripping from her mouth.
"It's gonna be okay," he told her bringing her limp body to the ground. "HELP!" he yelled out. He took off his shirt and held it against her back. His eyes searched all around. Nothing. No one. Emptiness.
"Someone! Please! We need Help!" he yelled again.
Bella walked forward. She walked casually over to Sarah's body in a pool of blood and crouched down on her knees and looked at Edward.
"We need you more," she told him, lifting Edward's hand from the pressure he applied to Sarah's wound. "Come with us?" she asked extending her hand to him.
Edward looked down at Sarah. "I have to go," he told her, taking Bella's hand as he stood slowly and stepped over Sarah's dying body.
Please Review! Teaser will be posted on the thread – and if you need one please let me know in your review and I will send it. Are you excited for Eclipse! OMFG! I go tonight to see it!