SM Owns twilight and the characters. Not me. I just like to play with them.
ScottishRose1028 did the beta'ing for this fresh off her vacation! Thanks soo much BB! Means a lot to me.
So this is when it gets...rough. I don't know if one can be adequately warned for the next few chapters contain. I hope I do it right. And if I say anymore – it's a major spoiler. If you don't figure out what happens – google the name of the town in the last sentence - see if you can handle it.
"And right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me"
Eminem
On Friday, Bella paced the small motel room as she waited for Edward. She didn't think there would be a reason for him not to come. She expected him to come. She wasn't aware that he came looking for her several weeks ago and was heartbroken over everything he thought was going on. Or that he questioned her feelings for him. She certainly didn't know that he had begun courting Sarah.
She pulled on a hooded sweatshirt she had stolen from Emmett. It covered her still-small stomach. She didn't want to keep the pregnancy from Edward, but she didn't want him to be shocked at the sight of it either.
She imagined him coming in and kissing her immediately, unable to control the need for each other. She imagined him hugging her so tight, telling her how much he missed her.
Edward walked into the schoolhouse that morning to let Sarah know not to wait for him after school. He opened the door slowly with a small knock. Sarah stood at the blackboard writing down some assignments when she turned to see Edward at the door. She blushed at him with a smile putting the chalk down and wiping her hands off on her apron. "I didn't mean to interrupt; can I speak to you for a minute?" Edward asked her.
"Lucy," Sarah said looking at one of the older girls in the room, "Can you please read aloud the first few pages while I step out?"
The young girl nodded in agreement as she stood to read to the class, the younger kids in the classroom making "woo" noises at Sarah and Edward as they stepped outside.
"I have to do something today...I don't know that I will be able to make it back after school," Edward told her. She was clearly disappointed.
"Oh, well...what do you have to do? Maybe I could help," she offered not wanting to miss a moment with him.
"It's not something you can help me with," he told her. He wasn't sure he wanted to upset her with Bella's return. It may not change anything. She could be here to say goodbye. "I can't really get into all the details right now."
"I understand," Sarah easily accepted. She wasn't use to probing for answers. She was raised to accept what she was told. "Will you still be over for dinner?" she asked him.
"Of course," Edward told her. He wasn't sure if he was about to break her heart, but he would do everything he could to keep her from being hurt.
He smiled at her, and placed a kiss on her cheek. Unsure...of everything.
Bella heard the hesitant knock on her door. She peeked out the window to see him standing outside nervously running his fingers through his hair, wearing his English clothes. This could be good, she thought. He may be ready to leave now. Bella tried to steady herself, taking a deep breath she went to the door.
Her hand was shaky as she moved it to the knob and pulled it open in one swift movement. "Edward," she whispered in relief.
Edward could feel his anger toward her boiling inside him. He resented everything – the way she left, the way she moved on, mostly he resented how easily he came to her today. "Isabella," he said unable to look her in the eyes.
Her heart dropped. There was no smile, no tearful hello – he had no need to hug her. She had never imagined such a cold reception.
"Uh...come in," she said stepping to the side, her eyes looking at the ground as she tried to hide the fact that she was on the verge of tears over his icy demeanor.
He walked past her and when his back was turned Bella wiped the tears and took a deep breath. She turned to him slowly, her hands buried in the front pocket of the sweatshirt.
"So, what's going on?" Edward asked aching to let go of his resentment, but still being distant. He didn't want to walk out even more heartbroken. He didn't want to get his hopes up. Hope for the best and expect the worst.
"I screwed up," Bella began. "Like really screwed up," she began to walk forward, moving closer to Edward.
"Listen, I know you moved on. I know you started seeing someone else. You don't really owe me an explanation, okay?" Edward said, wanting to get out of there.
"What?" Bella balked. "What are you talking about?"
"I went to find you Bella, your sister and her husband made it perfectly clear that I wasn't welcome. I wanted to hear it from you...so I waited. And you came home with some guy and I saw you kiss him. You left, and now you're here to tell me you're not coming back," Edward said, walking closer to the door. He was itching to make his exit.
"You came to find me?" Bella asked. She couldn't focus on her anger towards her family at the moment. Edward believed she didn't care for him. That she didn't love him. She had to fix it. She never forgot the one kiss she had since being away with Mike. "I went out that day...with some new friends from school...Mike is just a friend. I didn't kiss him back! I haven't been able to think of anyone but you!" Bella said walking closer to him.
"Bella...I moved on," Edward told her with regret. "With Sarah."
Bella stopped walking towards him. "That changes things," she whispered.
"I thought you didn't care! I thought you were happy being a normal sixteen-year-old going out on dates," Edward told her.
"How could you believe I didn't care?" Bella asked him.
"Because I don't, Bella. It's easy to believe no one could care for you when you feel like such a horrible person." Edward explained.
"You're not horrible Edward. I read about what happened to you," Bella admitted.
Edward was no stranger to the stories that had been written about his tragic past. But the part about murder wasn't a part of those stories. The Army had covered that up.
"Bella, that isn't even half of the story, okay?" Edward told her. "Why are you here, Bella?" Edward got to the point. He wasn't about to relive the murder.
"Because I was selfish. Because I lied to you. Because you deserve to know the truth," Bella said, sitting down at the head of the bed. She patted the spot next to her "You should sit down," she told Edward. He slowly walked away from the door and sat down at the foot of the bed.
Bella could feel tears pricking at her eyes; she had not been prepared for a distant Edward. For Edward to announce he was courting Sarah. For the first time, Bella was scared he wouldn't be in her future. He would tell her to get lost and live happily ever after with Sarah.
"I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting you. I didn't want to force you into a choice," she began by trying to defend her actions.
"Protect me?" Edward asked in confusion.
"I knew there was a good reason you came to my father. That you needed help and guidance, and I didn't want you to be forced to make a choice you weren't ready to make," Bella tried to explain.
"Why would I be forced to make a choice?" Edward asked.
"Because Edward...I'm pregnant," Bella said letting the tears fall from her eyes.
Edward was too shocked to speak. "I didn't want to force you into marrying me in order to stay. I mean what if you got better and didn't want to stay Amish? And I didn't want to make you leave and not get the help that you needed. I just wanted you to get better. I didn't want you to be afraid of hurting us," Bella told him quickly. "I know now how selfish I was. I can't control your choices. I shouldn't have ever tried to. I am so sorry." She sobbed.
"Pregnant?" Edward questioned – not really Bella, more like the world. "How could you do this to me?" he asked standing up. He could feel the anger inside of him rising.
"I'm sorry!" she said getting up, her tears staining her cheeks.
"What do you want me to do?" he yelled at her, his own tears about to spill over. He loved her. He would marry her, but in this moment the hate, anger and resentment he felt about everything overshadowed all of that.
"I can't come back unless I marry," Bella told him, letting him know that she was willing to go back for him.
"Then I guess you aren't going back," Edward spat in anger. "What's the point of telling me now?"
"I don't know," Bella whispered. "To give you the choice. To let you know you're going to be a father."
"I think you're doing it to make yourself feel better," Edward concluded. He was pissed. How could he forgive her for keeping this from him?
"Fine, you don't want us! You've made your choice! Let me tell you how much better I feel!" Bella screamed at him.
"What do you want me to do Bella? You've made the choice for me! There are consequences for that!" Edward yelled back. "Do you want me to take you back to your father's, ask him to marry us and watch you hate me everyday of your life because you wanted more? Just leave Sarah, who hasn't lied to me? She doesn't deserve to be hurt! I don't want to hurt her! Or hey, let me bring you back to my home – my family will be so happy to welcome the sixteen-year-old girl I knocked up while I struggled to fight against the flashbacks, nightmares, and angry outbursts!" Edward yelled, picking up a vase of flowers and hurling them against the motel door.
Bella flinched, she was scared. She guarded her stomach and walked backward until she hit the wall.
Edward didn't seem like he cared about this outburst. Or even felt regret for it.
"Exactly Edward! It's not easy! Don't you think I haven't thought of those things? Don't you think those are some of the exact reasons I left?" Bella asked trying not to show her fear.
Edward could see how afraid she was. He didn't want to scare her. He didn't want to hurt her. He only wanted to understand how to overcome the hurt and pain he felt.
"I'm sorry," Edward said stepping towards Bella. He could see her shaking. He held his hand out for her.
"Don't touch me," Bella hissed.
"I'm not going to hurt you Bella...or our baby," he said shutting his eyes. He could see the baby from his dreams, more tears escaped when he said out loud 'our baby.'
He began to go over in his head that half of the reason he was mad at her was a complete misunderstanding.
"I think you should leave now," Bella told him through clenched teeth. She didn't want to ask him to go but for the first time she realized how breakable Edward was. She wasn't as confident in her ability to calm him. She was afraid for her baby. It wasn't just about her self preservation, it was about her childs as well.
It was so hard to get those words out of her mouth. She saw the tears staining his cheeks over his outburst, but she had to put her child's safety above her need to comfort him.
"I'm sorry," Edward said defeated. He was already halfway out of the door when he had lost his temper, convinced more than ever that he was never going to be normal again. He would never be the type of man Bella needed – or wanted for that matter. He would always be broken, afraid of hurting everyone he loved in a blinding rage of anger. He was a volcano just waiting to erupt.
"EDWARD!" Bella called out in desperation to keep him in her sight against her better judgment. As much as she was afraid she knew the look in his eyes. She could see how much he hated himself for how he had acted. She hated to see him beat himself up. He needed her to believe in him, someone had to believe in him.
She would do anything, be anyone for him. She had never been surer of anything.
A few miles up the road, Sarah taught her class, finding it harder to focus since she had begun to fall in love with Edward. She loved the way her stomach fluttered every time he smiled at her. She hadn't been sure that she would ever find love, until she met Edward.
She knew it would take more time for him to fall in love with her the way she loved him. She was more then willing to wait for him.
She had always been so shy. She didn't find ease in talking to most people. She envied the way some people could easily start conversations with people they hardly knew. It was a skill she wished she had mastered better.
So the first time she talked to Edward Cullen, she couldn't believe how the words flowed out of her mouth. He made her feel strong; like she could conquer anything. She could be articulate. She could make someone she barely knew smile, and the first time she made him laugh she had wanted to jump with joy.
"Miss Sarah?" Rebekah Black tried to get her attention. Sarah didn't even notice the child's voice was meek and laced with fear.
"Yes, Rebekah?" Sarah responded trying not to show how lost she was in her thoughts about Edward. The smile on her face was heard through her voice. She turned around slowly to face the class, since she had just written the assignment for the day on the blackboard.
What she saw in front of her caused the color to drain from her face, "Is there something you need?" she asked trying not to let her voice shake with fear.
"I'll do whatever you want, Edward. I'll be whoever you want. If you want me to stay and put back on that bonnet, I will! If you just want me to leave and let you be, I will! If you just want to be a part of her life, whatever you want. It's your choice, okay? I believe in you," Bella assured him, trying not to sound frantic. "If you want to stay with Sarah...I understand."
"Her life?" Edward said; the reality of becoming a father had hardly set in, let alone becoming the father of a daughter.
"Yes, her," Bella said. She had finally given in and gotten the ultrasound revealing the little girl growing inside her.
"I don't know, Bella. I don't know what to do." Edward told her, trying not to fall to pieces in front of her. The choices seemed so limited. Which consequences could he live with at the end of the day? He still refused to ask her to stay in a life she wanted nothing to do with. He still wasn't sure he was worthy of her.
Bella walked towards him, "Whatever you want, Edward."
"I need time," Edward told her.
Bella wasn't sure she could hide her disappointment that he didn't know instantly that no matter what, he had to be with her.
"Of course," Bella said with a tense smile trying to play it off.
"It's not that I don't know what I want, Bella...I just don't know how to make it possible right now," he told her pleading with his eyes for her to trust him. "I need time to think about everything."
"Edward...if you need to stay there, I will stay with you," she told him walking even closer to him.
"I can't ask you to live a life you don't want," he shook his head in disapproval. Sacrificing her happiness for his was not an option in his opinion.
"You can't stop me from coming home, Edward." Bella pointed out to him. "I want you. If we are together the rest is just a setting, just a background. It doesn't matter, nothing matters without you."
Edward wasn't sure how to respond to what Bella had just admitted. "You're sixteen-years-old, Bella. You can't know that."
"How can you say that to me? I know what I want, Edward. Do you?" Bella questioned.
"If you come back, you have to marry me. Are you ready for that?" Edward shot back at her to avoid the question he had no clue how to answer. He knew he wanted her, but life wasn't always about what you wanted. It was about what you needed to do, and if you were lucky you got to do a few things you wanted. Life wasn't easy, or fair, and the road was bumpy.
To hear Edward question whether or not she was ready to marry him felt insulting. She'd just stood in front of him, poured her heart out and had told him she would be whatever he needed her to be. "I just told you I was," she said trying to hide the venom in her voice.
That's when it dawned on her – maybe it was him that wasn't ready. He didn't answer her question. "Unless...you don't...want me..." she choked out slowly.
"Bella," Edward said carefully before swallowing the uneasy feeling that settled in his stomach. It felt like there was a knot in his throat. "I never said that," he told her. "I said I needed time; please do not confuse the two."
"Then I can come home, and we can explain this to my father...and we can make this right, or you can just...leave. I'll follow you," she told him.
"Bella, I don't know what the best thing is right now. All I know is, what we want may not be what is best – or what we need." Edward tried to explain. "I don't know that marrying you and forcing you to live Amish is best. I don't know if me leaving to be with you is the right thing either. Please...give me time to see what choice I can live with at the end of the day?" he pleaded with her to understand. He didn't need time to think about his intentions to be with her; he needed to fight the demons that were pulling him to pieces.
"Shouldn't we make this choice together?" Bella asked. "Why do you get to choose?"
"We do Bella," Edward told her walking closer to her. He reached out his arm for her, inviting her to be wrapped inside. "We do," he whispered against her head, happy to have her back in his arms.
Police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks sounded their sirens as they sped down the country road, along the barren winter fields. Edward held Bella in his arms happily as he tried to block out the sounds that were not heard very often in the country setting of Lancaster.
Edward and Bella knew their lives would never be the same again. What they didn't know was that
Nickle Mines would never be the same again either.
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