SM Owns not me.
ScottishRose1028 is my awesome beta! Super speedy beta skillz! LOL!
And HippieStar is my awesome pre-reader and I love her feedback as always.
Umm...Kellan Lutz bought me a drink sunday night in Atlantic City just thought I'd tell the world! HAHA!
Song for this chapter is Collide by Howie Day
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
Edward and Bella lay in the bed in her motel room. The events of the day before replayed in Edward's mind, not allowing him to find any rest. No peace. The only comfort he found was in the arms of a girl...who was just as broken as he was.
After Bella had taken the time to clean him up and had let him cry until there were no tears left to wet her shirt, she asked him what he wanted to do.
"I don't want to be here," he whispered. She tried to be strong and hide the fact that she was falling apart inside as she packed his bag.
She was upset at the thought of her father coming home to an empty house, but she couldn't deny Edward anything after what he had been put through.
When they got back to the motel, Bella helped Edward into the bed. She climbed in with him and they held each other. The sun set, the night got black, and they spoke very little.
"Get some rest Bella, it can't be good for the baby," he told her.
"I'm trying," she lied. She had no intention of falling asleep until she knew he was asleep.
It wasn't until the sun began to rise that Edward finally drifted off to sleep.
They couldn't hide in that motel room forever, but they would try. Bella finally drifted off to sleep, but it only seemed like she was asleep for a few minutes before Edward startled awake from a nightmare.
His brow was covered in sweat and his breathing was labored. "Edward? Are you okay?" Bella asked alarmed.
He nodded yes even though all he wanted to do was tell her that was a stupid question; of course he was not okay.
"Nightmare?" Bella asked, rubbing his back.
Edward shook his head no. "I don't have nightmares, Bella. Sure, they are terrifying...but it's all real." Edward told her. He even remembered the dreams he'd been having the past few weeks that Bella was gone.
Sarah being shot. James chasing Bella. A baby crying. It freaked him out that he would dream those things. How was he supposed to know they were warnings? He didn't believe in seeing the future, or dreams coming true, or people that spoke to the dead. Sylvia Brown and John Edwards were some of the greatest liars in the world according to Edward.
But the dreams he had once considered nightmares, had turned out to be reality.
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Edward stood awkwardly on Sarah's porch with Bella. They were both dressed in all black Amish attire to pay their respects.
Bella had asked him the day before if he was sure he wanted to do this. "I have to go," he told her.
Bella had nodded. "I know," she said a few tears sliding down her face.
They stood in front of the door for a few moments, Bella being patient waiting for Edward to be ready. He hesitantly knocked on the door.
When Sarah's father opened the door, Edward bowed his head, a gesture to say he was sorry. The house was somber as people sat in the front room; Edward knew her body was in the room next to it. "Would you like to see her?" Sarah's father asked Edward and Bella.
Bella looked to Edward for the answer. "Yes," Edward choked out. Sarah's father led the way through the living room where everyone was sitting and into the dinning room where Sarah's body was covered by a white sheet.
Her father pulled down the sheet revealing the shell of his daughter's body. Edward raised his hand, wanting to stroke her hair but wasn't sure if that was acceptable, so he stopped himself. He wanted to ask for a minute alone, but again he wasn't sure if that was right.
He noticed she was wearing all white. "Her wedding clothes," Bella whispered. She didn't mean to say it aloud, but Edward heard. Bella covered her mouth when his eyes shot to hers. She had wedding clothes. She had hopes of marrying Edward, and Edward was very comfortable with the idea before everything had happened.
"I'm so sorry," Edward whispered placing a kiss on his fingers and placing them on her forehead.
The sheet was pulled back over her, and they were led back into the living room, where silence and sadness engulfed them as they sat with everyone and mourned.
They stayed the longest with Sarah's family, but Bella wanted to make it to all of her former student's homes to pay her respects.
It was one of those days that never had an end. As much as they felt drained with each home, each life taken too soon and gone too quickly, it still managed to drain more from them.
The next day, Edward and Bella followed a few buggies behind the horse-drawn hearse that carried Sarah to her final resting place.
Charles spoke at her grave site, reminding everyone that the focus should not be on the world she left behind but the new world she entered. "Jesus said in the Gospel according to John, chapter five; 'I say to you, he who hears my word and believes in he who sent me, has eternal life. He is passed from death to life. Most assuredly, I say to you, the hour is coming, and now is, when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God; and those who hear will live. For as the Father has life in Himself, so He has granted the Son to have life in Himself, and has given Him authority to execute judgment also, because He is the Son of Man. Do not marvel at this; for the hour is coming in which all who are in the graves will hear His voice and come forth-those who have done good, to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil, to the resurrection of condemnation. I can Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me,"
Sarah's casket was lowered silently into the ground as Charles spoke a hymn. Bella and Edward weren't ready to face him, slipping away before anyone could notice they were gone.
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
"Edward," Bella pushed down the fear inside of her that told her to run. It was too hard to talk about their future with everything going on. Running would be easier. But it wasn't the right thing.
He looked up at her, the light in his eyes was smoldering since the flame was burnt out three days ago. Neither of them had spoken to her father. They had managed to avoid him. Only because they didn't know what they would tell him or what they planned to do about the sticky situation they found themselves in.
"I can't stay here forever," Bella hedged hoping he would understand that they needed to talk. Waiting wasn't an option. There was no time to lend itself until the wounds of the shooting healed. Or Edward's heart, which Bella knew was broken over Sarah's death.
The fact remained that their child was growing inside Bella.
"I want to go home," Edward told her. Bella looked at him for more information because where was his home? Did he mean the home he made for himself the past few months or the home he'd left behind?
"My home in Chicago," he clarified upon seeing the confusion on Bella's features. "I don't know if I want to stay there...I don't want to be here...I need to see my family."
Bella nodded in understanding, he needed support she couldn't give him. He needed time and space to figure everything out. She wasn't mad at him for it, just disappointed.
"You'll come with me, won't you?" Edward asked. "Cause I need you there...I need them to meet you...I need to figure out what the hell to do."
"Yeah, I'll come with you, of course," Bella assured him. He held his arms out, inviting her into his lap. She willing snuggled against him.
"We have to talk to your father before we go," Edward whispered into her neck. Her fingers found his hair which had started to grow out around the sides. She only nodded in response.
She knew it was only a matter of time before they had to face him. That wasn't Bella's biggest fear though. Her biggest fear was for Edward. How he would handle this new tragic event that he had to deal with on top of everything else he had been through. How sad would he be over losing Sarah? As much as Bella hated that he'd sort of moved on with her, it was only because of something she'd done. If she hadn't run away he wouldn't have had to seek comfort with someone else.
Her fingers moved down his jaw and over the course stubble from him not shaving for the last few days. There was so much left unsaid, so many questions about where they stood with one another, none of which could be give the proper time or attention in the wake of everything else that was going on.
Edward knew where he had to start with Bella: the truth about the type of monster he was. "Bella, I know you saw a lot of stuff about me on the internet while you were gone, and you think you know everything," Edward swallowed thickly before telling her the story about how he was finally set free.
Bella listened to him intently, never moving from her spot on his lap, her fingers never losing contact with his skin. She hoped it gave him solace that she loved him still, even if he hated himself for what he'd done.
"I'm a monster Bella, A murderer," Edward told her as a tear escaped his eye.
Bella shook her head adamantly. "No, no you are not those things, Edward. James, he is those things...not you. Please. You did what any other man would do." She tried to assure him. But she stopped, because he was there trying to learn how to forgive...himself. It wasn't as if the words hadn't been spoken to him by others.
"That's not true, Bella. For hundreds of years, the Amish were martyrs. I want to be able to be that strong. If I were a better man...I'd be dead."
"The Lord has a plan for everyone, Edward. It wasn't your time. You are here for a reason...this child I bear is here for a reason."
"Sarah was a martyr. She welcomed the chance to die in place of all those girls...me...I did the opposite. What kind of man does that?" Edward asked.
"The Bible says 'do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good'." Bella told him, peppering his jaw with kisses.
"I must be the lost sheep," Edward sighed. His eyes closed as he focused on Bella's lips tasting him. She was good. He would let her overcome him.
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
Edward paced in anger on the porch of Charles' home after his wife told him where her husband was.
"Edward, please come sit. You're like a man on fire!" Bella pleaded with him.
"How could he go there, Bella? How could he go to his funeral? After everything he did?" Edward asked raising his voice. "He killed Sarah! He killed children! Little girls!"
Bella watched Edward shake with anger. Scared to reach out to touch him, afraid that after everything he might explode and she wouldn't be enough to stop it.
Charles was approaching, and Edward didn't realize he was there until he felt his hand on his shoulder bringing him to a halt. "Edward, are you okay, son?" Charles asked.
"You went to his funeral?" Edward asked him in disbelief. Charles nodded, confirming that he was indeed at the funeral service for James. "I do-don't understand how or why?"
"Edward, we live our lives to be like Christ as much as humanly possible. Christ forgives. It is not our job to judge, or to hold grudges. We pray the Lord's Prayer everyday. For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your heavenly Father forgive your trespasses. His family is suffering too. It does us no good to hold on to hatred. He will stand in front of the Lord and he will be judged justly. Holding on to the hate and anger will only tear us apart." Charles explained. "Come inside," he offered Edward.
The three of them walked into the home and settled in the living room. Charles knew his daughter would come to him when she was ready or had no other choice.
Her stomach was still small and the pregnancy was not obvious to anyone. She wasn't sure if she would reveal this information to him or not today.
"What's going on kids?" Charles asked.
"I, ah...need to see my family," Edward told him. He wasn't sure how Charles would take the news or tell him he was welcomed to come back. He hoped he was. He was certain if it meant having Bella back, he would allow it. There was no way she could come back with her child and no husband, and Edward was correct in knowing she would not leave the baby to be Amish.
The baby made them a packaged deal, whether they faced the harsh world and the judgments over their age gap or if they chose to live the rest of their lives Amish.
Edward knew they could chose to leave whenever they wanted, if Bella really hated it. He just didn't want to put her in that position. He wanted her to be wherever made her happy, not someplace she suffered with for his sake.
"You're running away. How can you expect to overcome anything if you keep running from it?" Charles asked. "If you want to see your family because you miss them, I give you my blessing to go. It seems to me that you are running away, though."
Bella was upset. It wasn't just that he needed some time away from everything but also that he didn't want to become a stranger to his family. It wasn't as if becoming Amish forced him to give them up. They were not shunned. He wanted them to be a part of his life, to know Bella. To know they were becoming grandparents.
To see if he could make out without the crutch or false security that nothing bad happened here.
"He's not running away, daddy," Bella argued.
"Isabella, you don't know what you're talking about," Charles said, angry at her interruption.
"Daddy, I know Edward."
"I am aware that you know Edward, Isabella, do you think I am blind? Do you think I don't see things? Do you think I didn't know that the two of you have been shacked up at that Motel on Route One the past few days? You think because you are on Rumspringa your behavior is overlooked. It is not. And neither can Edward's actions while he was here be overlooked." Charles told her, letting her know he knew what they had yet to admit to him. And that he wasn't likely to let Edward ever become baptized in the Amish faith.
"Tell me Daddy, if I return, am I expected to find a nice Amish couple to adopt my baby?" Bella asked belligerently.
"Bella," Edward spoke up to stop her from causing a scene. It was a miracle Charles had let him stay as long as he did. In all honesty, he wanted to be like Christ and forgive. Because that is what the Lord did everyday, over and over. If he was honest part of him allowed him to stay in the hopes of keeping his daughter as well.
Bella stopped herself as her father tried to reign in his anger. "What about forgiveness, Daddy? What if Edward and I want to come back? What if this is the life we want for our baby?" she asked in a calmer tone.
"If you and Edward both search your hearts, and pray about it, and you are led back here, I will welcome you home," Charles told them. "Both of you,"
"I'm sorry," Edward told him. "I never meant to let you down or disappoint you."
"You haven't. You are just a little lost right now."
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Wanna rec? I spent the past day reading For the Summer – really good. It's almost complete thank god cause I couldn't have handled waiting for those updates!