A/N: Hello to all who dare enter here…
Wow. That does not sound ominous at all. O.o; I suppose it depends on who's saying it and I don't fall into the 'intimidating' category. Lol!
But anyway, today's chapter. ^.^ It's mostly Seph-oriented, but I think you guys will… like that? And it's integral to the plot. Yes. The plot. We have one of those remember? I know… it's so easy to forget with all the cuteness running rampant in this story. Lol. We'll see some more Cloudy next chapter, promise! But let's just say we get some all-important-answers here along with a tiny (and I mean tiny) bit of angst…
Well, c'mon. It is a FFVII story! Can't have one without the all-important angst! (Especially if your name rhymes with either Bloud, Bincent or Bephiroth lol)
Enjoy! :-D
Disclaimer: I don't own ANY type of video game let alone Final Fantasy VII and if Panic! At the Disco ever decided to let me own this particular song, let's just say I would be very happy in the pants. Unfortunately… I don't. So I am not. Poopie.
"Swear to shake it up if you swear to listen!
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention…
I aim to be your eyes-
Trophy boys, trophy wives!
Swear to shake it up if you swear to listen!
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention…
I aim to be your eyes-
Trophy boys, trophy wives!
Applause, applause,
No, wait, wait-
Dear studio audience, I've an announcement to make:
It seems the artists these days are not who you think,
So we'll pick back up on that on another page.
And I believe this may call for a proper introduction,
And well-
Don't you see?
I'm the narrator and this is just the prologue…"
-"The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage" By Panic! At the Disco
Italics – Flashback
Title: When You Walk Away
Chapter Eight: The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage
He had never felt this way before.
Sephiroth nearly tripped over his own feet as he stared at the young man being presented to his best friend, the dark-haired 18-year-old holding out his hand in a gesture of safety as Sephiroth dove behind the tree he was now currently situated behind.
'Who…?'
His stomach flipped over on itself as he watched the small blond carefully take the much larger hand within his own, the hesitant frown on his face dripping with insecurity and fear. Zack laughed loudly as he pulled the young boy towards him and trapped him in a one-armed bear hug, giving him a large noogie whilst the body trapped underneath his arm squirmed wildly to get away. Aerith giggled serenely as Gast, whom had been standing right behind the boy, guffawed his joy out loud.
Not sure how to take the scene in front of him (nor how to deal with this newfound excitement stirring within his chest), Sephiroth quickly fled the area and marched back into his home, which though empty, was still familiar in all of its cold apathy.
That night, he did not dream of pictures or sounds.
Once his eyes were closed and his mind shuffling off into that distant realm that straddled reality, all he saw was the clearest shade of blue.
"And what does that have to do with you?" Sephiroth quietly countered as he stared mournfully at the now-shattered glass embedded in his hand, drops of water clinging onto his fingertips falling down alongside the stains of crimson decorating the marble white top of the table.
"Anything you do is reflected upon me. If you honestly think I care who you do or who does you," at this Sephiroth nearly tackled the older man and punched him in the face, "then you are sorely mistaken. However this is not just your reputation on the line Sephiroth. I will not have you and your disgusting fascinations ruin what I have now and what I have worked for up until this point. Is that understood?"
Staring at the old scientist glaring at him through clear spectacles, Sephiroth held in the insane urge to stick his tongue out at the old man and proclaim that 'you don't control me or my needs!' like a high school girl on her period. Instead he neatly nodded his head, mentally castrating his 'parent' while doing so.
'This doesn't change anything…' The green-eyed Goliath thought to himself as Hojo walked out of the kitchen, head held high in a sign of victory. 'I don't care what he thinks, I don't…'
But even as these words fiddled off into the back of his head, his free hand tightened into a stern fist, alluding to the newfound stress he repressed, though unknowingly. Letting his bloody palm continue to drip spots of bright red onto the table before him, Sephiroth quietly entered his own realm of thought, thinking back on days where everything was still new and not all that complex…
Zack laughed as he poked his best friend in the middle of his forehead, quickly swiping his finger back before it could be broken in Sephiroth's steel-like grip. Meandering his gaze from the dark-haired deviant prodding at his figure to the mousy blond settled on the other side of the room, contentedly huddled over some book so that his diminished body would disappear behind the large volume of literature staked around his table much like an impenetrable fortress, Sephiroth made sure that Zack's whole attention was on the text-book in front of him instead of the silver-haired man's ever-roaming consciousness.
"Hey Seph," Zack muttered as he dug back down into his psychology book, giggling fits fading off into light chuckles. "I've been meaning to ask, what's up with the bi-weekly visits to the library this past month? I mean, not that I'm not all about our edu-ma-cation, but you never used to be so library-heavy before…"
"It's easier to concentrate here, is all." Sephiroth muttered as he subtly shifted his attention back to the AP Chemistry book within his grasp. "You don't have to stay with me if you do not like it Zack."
"It's no problem!" The younger college student gave the 21-year-old a corny thumbs-up as his companion rolled his eyes in response. "Besties for life and all that!"
"Zack, shut up." Sephiroth monotone response did little to stifle the grin now settled over his own face.
"Right-o!"
Checking to make sure that Zack's attention was back on his book after a moment of silence, Sephiroth once again let his eyes slowly trail over so that the only thing encompassing them was a fall of golden-yellow spikes sticking in every which direction and rumpled red fabric draped over a slender frame in waves of cotton. Not noticing as orbs of violet traced over his form or the sudden quick grin that all but covered the lower half of his friend's face, Sephiroth continued his perusal in peace.
'What is it about you…?' The bemusement was fleeting but the emotion still explosive; the impact of the thought special in a wholesomely different way, because he had never had to ask himself that question before, especially about another human being. A person whom he still barely knew even after a whole month of seeing their silhouette every place he visited.
Sephiroth let his gaze fall back to the book, the question continually ringing in his ears until its distant echo turned the rusty cogs of his head and made his temples pound from the over-exertion of thought.
'Never too close, yet always too far…'
It was his mantra and he refused to give into temptation so easily.
Whatever that temptation may be.
Sephiroth blinked as his pocket began to vibrate incessantly, thrumming against the outer skin of his thigh and jostling him out of his own memories. Zack's name blinked brightly on the screen, the older man rolling his eyes in annoyance before ignoring the call and letting the phone jump against the mess his kitchen table afforded.
Glancing back at the clock just behind him, Sephiroth winced, knowing that he would have to get ready for class soon if he didn't want to miss that day's lecture. Running a hand through his lengthy moonlit-colored locks, Sephiroth let his mind roam again, knowing he at least had the time to spare to reminisce, if only a small bit…
Cloud deserved that much didn't he?
Four months since he had been brought into Gast's home and three months since he had first seen him, and not once had Sephiroth actually spoken to the boy. Zack had attempted to bridge a dialogue between the both of them but Sephiroth refused to be bothered by such and attempted to avoid the golden child at all times. It helped that the teenager usually closed himself off in his room as soon as he got him from school, barely eating with them on the best of days and refusing such substance completely on the worst.
'C'mon Seph, what's the worst that can happen?' Zack would happily proclaim as the boy made his way downstairs, blue eyes clouded over with a foggy residue that emanated with the unwillingness the mild-mannered blond felt at having to be surrounded by people he barely knew, mainly Zack and Sephiroth.
Sephiroth would just scoff off such attempts and stare at the boy from the corner of his eye, blazing green vibrant against the pale milky white of his face. Once the boy's presence was situated in front of him, Sephiroth would cease to speak and his eyes tracked down the teenager's movements on their own accord as Zack and Aerith quietly watch, two different pairs of speculative looks painted on their faces.
"Cloud, why don't you sit down for a second? I just remembered I needed Zack's help with something in the kitchen…" The smiling (conniving) brunette gestured at the blinking puppy-like man confusedly staring at her figure before jumping at the chance to help his girlfriend.
Ignoring the wink Zack sent his way Sephiroth barely even flinched as he was left alone with the person whom had been invading his thoughts most often than not these past few months.
'Say something…' A little voice tickled into the larger man's ear, green eyes steadily keeping away from the fidgety figure situated across from them.
For all of the time they had 'spent' together, Sephiroth had never actually 'acknowledged' Cloud's presence. There would be a nod here or a twitch of a smirk there, but no verbal communication seemed to exist between them.
Sephiroth had always feared that Zack would take it the wrong way if he were to do so; the man had a penchant for being over-zealous, and Sephiroth's own usually-silent nature was something he studied thoroughly. The green-haired giant knew that once he spoke that first word to the pretty blond that Zack would latch onto the interest Sephiroth held for the boy almost immediately and nettle it down until he forced the older man to face something he really didn't wish to uncover just yet.
But this…
This was his perfect moment.
In fact, if he didn't know any better…
'No. Both Aerith and Zackary are just not that perceptive.' Sephiroth mentally vacillated, satisfied with his own thoughts.
'Say something.' The voice muttered again, this time much clearer than before.
But what could he say?
'Zack will be coming in at any moment; just say hello if nothing else!'
Carefully, Sephiroth shifted from his spot on the recliner and cleared his throat as silently as he could. The also-unusually quiet teenager immediately caught Sephiroth's movements and turned his head so that his large blue eyes were targeted right into Sephiroth's own vibrant green orbs, mouth set into a questioning line that made the boy look much younger than he actually was.
'Just say anything…'
"Hello." Sephiroth finally chocked out as he bit back a twitch of his lips, taking in the now-rounded set of bright blue eyes and gaping mouth with a satisfaction that didn't quite seem normal for most people. Finally, after some moments of total silence, the boy timidly smiled back at his fellow companion and nodded back his hello in return.
"Hello." Cloud quietly murmured just before Zack ran back into the living room, jumping on top of the older man with little regard to present company.
"SEPH I MISSED YOU!"
Zack laughed at the poisonous glare sent in his direction as the dark-haired college student quickly scampered over to where Cloud was sitting and hid behind the boy's slim figure.
Sephiroth could only smirk at the smile now infecting Cloud's demeanor without him realizing it, Zack's stupidity once again working in his favor.
The rest of the night passed in a blur, but the brightness of the blond's beaming grin laid imprinted within Sephiroth's mind as the half-assed laughs and the conspiring grins were laid to rest and he lay on his back in his bedroom, eyes wide open in sudden revelation.
'Oh shit…'
After that particular night, Sephiroth could honestly say that his life would never quite be the same ever again.
Cleaning off the rest of the table of the random debris, Sephiroth felt a smile flit his lips even as the dull pain radiating within his hand throbbed with striking bits of stinging hurt that made him want to punch the wall with his other hand just to concentrate on another source of pain to forget about the other. The memory of that night was both exhilarating and terrifying; the beginning of his own assimilation to the idea that he may have been in-
"Shit!" Nearly dropping the dustpan in his hands as a particularly large piece of glass embedded itself into his already bloody palm Sephiroth hissed out an exhalation of breath and steadied his heartbeat along with his breathing.
Knowing he would have to clean up his wound eventually but dreading it all the same, the lone behemoth threw the washcloth into the sink and threw out the last of the glass that had been littering the table. Glancing down at his hand with a sigh and purse of his lips, Sephiroth made his way to the bathroom with the same type of excitement that he had felt before he had made his decision to pursue his interest with the self-isolated teenager Zack had come to think of as his own protégé.
"Seph, what the hell is the matter with you?"
Sephiroth bit back a snarl as he moved away from his best friend and dropped onto the mat beneath him, letting the kendo stick that had been held tightly in his hand roll onto the floor alongside him.
"You almost killed me out there!" Zack screeched, trying to keep his voice from reaching new pitches whilst deflecting the look of concern Angeal projected to him from the corner of his eye.
"I apologize." The long-haired captain clenched out, the adrenaline still pumping wildly into his system. "I was not watching my own strength."
"Fuck yeah you weren't!" Throwing his own weapon onto the ground, Zack huffed out a grunt of annoyance as he fell down onto the mat alongside his friend. Whispering so that no one else could hear their conversation, Zack leaned onto Sephiroth's broad shoulder and put a hand on his bicep. "Listen, whatever's up with you, you can tell me. If it had been somebody else out there I'm quite sure you would have killed 'em and we both know we can't afford that kind of stress here! Seph, just let it out."
"Nothing is the matter with me." Sephiroth ground out before stomping back onto his feet, leaving the dark-haired college student where he was whilst making his way back to their locker rooms. Waving off Angeal before he could rush his way over, Sephiroth began to tug off the knot of his gi and marched into the showers with a large snarl resting over his lips.
He needed to cool off. If he didn't, he was quite sure Zack's prediction would come true and he didn't need to feel guilty about something that could have been avoided. Nearly ripping his hair out by the roots, Sephiroth flipped the shower knob and dunked his head under the ice-cold spray of water rushing down on top of him, hoping that that would at least clear up his head a tiny bit.
A flash of gold tinkered at the frayed edges of his mind as the 21-year-old man grunted in frustration, the temperature of the water doing little to distract him from the problem at hand.
'Why can't I get you out of my head?!'
But that was a useless question to ask himself.
Sephiroth knew exactly why he couldn't get the younger male out of his head.
And no amount of denial would be able to make him forget it (or him) so easily.
'Will I ever be free of this?'
A voice reminiscent to Zack's giggled in the background of his mental domain, letting him know that no, no he would not.
It was a strange fascination, watching the glass along with the dark drops of slippery crimson liquid slip down from his palm onto the smooth porcelain covering the faucet within his bathroom, the steady stream of water stinging heatedly as it slapped his appendage with its warming sensation.
Idly his fingers tightened over the tweezers they were holding as the glass continued to fall and fall and fall…
Perhaps it was not so strange that he was watching this all happen with such an acute interest but the fact that it was done with little concern over the pain he felt as he did so; the pain he felt only in the far reaches of his mind as Sephiroth found himself focused only on the memories running through his stream of consciousness and not at the emotions attached to the task at hand.
Staring down at his hands, Sephiroth tried to keep his attention away from the white-washed walls of his lonely bedroom, body trembling as the images which had been haunting him only five minutes before finally clouded over enough where he could detach himself from the string of emotions which had plagued him upon awakening.
That horrifying night…
He would never be rid of it.
Never.
Even his dreams were plagued with the memory drenched in black smoke and unbearably hot fire, straws of fear poking out of him until the very images made him want to vomit. Bodies scarred, eyes disintegrated, hands burnt-
Why did he make himself relive the horror over and over and over again?!
'Because it was your fau-'
"Be quiet." Sephiroth whispered, shaky breaths uneven and stumbling against one another. "Shut up. Stop it. I don't want this anymore…"
But still the images rolled onward, not stopping for a moment.
-broken down rooms, scratched walls once beige now painted in black streaks, patches of floorboards sticking up against the holes within the once-carpeted floor-
Trying to remember the breathing exercises he had been taught in his preteens, Sephiroth tried to concentrate on something else (anything else), the process though difficult, the only way he could bring himself away from the past he still ran from.
-particles of once human hair dried into straw-like flakes, corpse-like fingertips brushing against his face, bloody mouths whispering soothing countenances even as he knew he did not deserve such peace and love-
A flurry of gold encased him even as the fires of his own personal hell licked at his proverbial heels, ice-blue glowing as the image projected illuminated with a saving light Sephiroth could not describe. Slowly the shakes and tremors died down until his limbs grew still and his breathing controllable, laying his body back within the sheet as the mattress dipped under the significant weight of his body.
A timid smile was stretched against his dream-figure's face, cleansing him of the grip his nightmares held over him.
At that moment, there was no denial nor was there any fear.
At that moment, his mind cleared away until even that last image which had saved him was no more and his thoughts were dimming over in a hesitant blur.
Maybe…
Maybe what he truly needed was change.
Eyes widening for a split second as his fingers intertwined within his lap, the corners of his mouth curved downward as the seedling of a new idea hesitantly bloomed without his consent.
Change…
Before he could give chase to that newest of thoughts, his eyes closed, Sephiroth's own exhaustion winning the perilous battle once again.
Dropping the tweezers into the sink, Sephiroth sighed. Taking a quick glance over at the bandages and gauze sitting right beside him, newer and much more pressing frustrations pushed themselves forefront within his mind.
'Have I always been this stubborn?'
Carefully beginning the process of disinfecting and bandaging his wounds, Sephiroth shook his head at the morbid humor in the situation he was now put in.
'Now that's just a stupid question.
"You don't understand."
"Yeah, I do!"
"No, you do not."
"Seph, please-"
"You don't get it!" The silver-haired young man with fervent green eyes almost growled as his dark-haired counterpart held his hands up in a placating gesture of peace.
"Seph, it's ok. I think I know what it is that you're trying to say…" Zack tried to ease the man back to the conversation at hand as the larger college student across from him cradled the cup of coffee in his hands as if it were the elixir of life, glaring down at the liquid with a burning gaze that did little to hide the man's volatile temper waiting to explode at the first sign of distress.
"You have no idea what it is that has been wreaking a havoc in my head." Sephiroth ground out. "I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't live the life I want to… it's never-ending. It just won't leave me alone!"
"Right… so this has nothing to do with Cloud then?" Ignoring the dropped-jaw expression settled over his best friend's face, Zack grinned. "Did you really think I couldn't tell Seph? C'mon, I'm your bff…"
"How many times have I asked you not to call yourself that? It's completely demeaning to both of our intelligence Zackary, though mainly mine."
Zack innocently blinked before tilting his head to the side in mock-naivety. "A million times?"
"Zack-"
"Best friends forever, Seph!"
"Are we here to have a serious conversation or annoy me with your… Zack-ness."
"It's a joke, Seph, don't tell me you can't handle them now?" Dropping his preferential silliness, Zack leaned forward and instead pasted a caring smile on his face, knowing that to Sephiroth, this was an intensely sensitive subject. "C'mon, buddy, you can tell me how you feel…"
"Feel? Feel?" Sephiroth chuckled hysterically as he plopped the coffee mug he was holding down with a heavy snap, making the younger man across from him wince at the sharp noise the collision created. "That's the problem, isn't it?! I don't want to feel anything and all of sudden I feel everything. I don't want this. I never wanted this. In fact… this was a mistake. I have to go."
Before the dark-haired prankster could even begin to stand alongside his friend, Sephiroth dropped a small amount of money onto the table and rushed out of the café they had been inhabiting, the look on his face spelling imminent torture and death to the first person who tried to stop him along the way.
Zack on the other hand sweat-dropped as his head dropped onto the table, feeling as if he should have somehow anticipated that reaction.
'I tried so hard to hide it…'
Rushing out of the bathroom, which was now as clean as it was before Sephiroth had even entered it with his mess of a hand, the brooding college student barely even flinched as he held back a stray piece of wrapping tape with his mouth and practically ran into his room for his books.
'And yet Zack saw through me without even trying.'
Slapping on the last piece of tape with his mouth as he grabbed the handle of his carry-case with his free hand the silver-haired giant barely even flinched as he dropped and twisted his injured palm against the coarse fabric of his jeans. Glancing back at the clock, he realized that if he did not haul his behind into his SUV and rushed out of the house right that instant he would be dreadfully late for his first class.
'Was I really so blind to my own actions?'
Sephiroth tried not to think about it as he power-walked his way to the front door, long legs speeding up the process immensely.
'Or did I wish to simply be blind to my own weakness?
"I suppose it doesn't matter now…" Sephiroth whispered to himself. "It's only a matter of time before I win this insipid game."
"Aerith's always telling me about how lonely he looks…"
Sephiroth hummed quietly in response to his friend's comment, hearing but not quite listening to what Zack was saying to him. After that disastrous day nearly two weeks ago, Zack had spent every moment he could speaking about the one person who still swirled about in his thoughts, albeit without his consent.
It did little to help Sephiroth's growing agitation against the situation at hand and he found himself becoming more and more short-tempered with the people who least deserved it. Even Aerith, the most gentle soul around, had faced his wrath more often than not, a peculiar frown gracing her face even as he apologized repeatedly immediately after.
"He needs someone he can relate too…" Zack continued, not noticing (or most likely just ignoring) the growing snarl stretching across his friend's face. "Someone who knows what it's like to grow up without parents and hates social interaction as much as he does, though that's nearly impossible to find in of itself…"
Letting his homework fall from his hands, Sephiroth opened his mouth, ready to unleash a new string of belittlements set against his companion's favor-
"He needs, I don't know… I guess he needs…" Zack choked back a giggle, grinning evilly inwardly as Sephiroth began to shut his mouth ever so slowly and reached for his cup of coffee instead, signaling to his best friend that he was ready for him to go in for the kill- "Somebody like you Seph!"
Sephiroth nearly choked on his coffee as it sputtered out from his lips, eyes the size of plates.
Zack had to admit, he quite almost shit his pants at that look on his best friend's face and with good reason.
It was funny as hell.
"Zackary-!"
"No listen to me Sephy-dear, before you get all ape-shit crazy on my ass!" "Cloud isn't assimilating to this place as well as he could be and I can only get him to open up so much without him shutting me out completely! He needs somebody who knows what it's like to, you know, be new. And you're the perfect example!"
"Zack…"Sephiroth muttered with an exasperated look on his usually put-together face, appearing much older than he actually was.
"I won't push you for anything more. I just need you to be his friend. And if you think that maybe you can find the guts to be more…" Throwing up a thumbs-up, Zack grinned wildly. "Well, isn't that just icing on the cake?"
Pushing his coffee cup up with one lone finger, Sephiroth calculated his chances of losing his mind over this supposed mission; he could barely get himself to stop thinking about the boy now as it was, spending time with him would only amplify that want…
'Want. What do I want?'
That, at least, was simple.
Without any other thought in mind, Sephiroth stared directly into Zack's exuberantly cheerful violet eyes and let his straight-laced mask come forward.
"… … What do I need to know about him then?"
Ignoring the calculating smile set on his friend's face as he mentally slapped himself for not saving himself from the insanity he knew he was plunging himself into, Sephiroth inwardly sighed and counted his chances.
He was just doing Zack a favor.
A favor.
It didn't need to mean anything to him.
It didn't.
But even as his reasoning tried to wrangle itself away from the truth at the situation at hand-
'Who am I trying to fool?'
Sephiroth's lips began to pull at the sides, the beginnings of a smile crinkling the corners of his mouth as Zack spoke emphatically of Cloud's many habits and quirks.
'I only want Cloud.'
"And soon I'll finally have him." Sephiroth whispered as he closed the door behind him, eyes slanted with determination. "And I don't care what I have to do to get him."
With that last statement lingering over his lips, Sephiroth pulled out his keys and waltzed over to his car, ready to finish the day with at least one victory at hand; Cloud's complete and total submission.