Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just decided it was time to shake things up a bit in her characters' world. And I wanted a bitchy Bella, so here we go!

Oh, and all of the references used in this story in relation to the advertising and marketing company and accounts are only used here for entertainment purposes; no copyright infringement intended.

Enjoy and review (be kind, but honest)!

And a special thanks to my whiz of a beta, Flyaway Dove (Awesome Amanda) who is so good at what she does. I'm so lucky to have her!

Thanks also to angelicwish for helping me learn the ropes and as always, Lita!

Hang on folks…Bella's gonna get a little sloppy! Watch out!

Chapter Five: Are you kidding me?

I blinked hard once, then again, still not believing the scene that was playing out before me. Alice's mystery man was Jasper Whitlock. Jasper was friends with Edward Cullen.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!"

Realizing I had vocalized my internal exclamation, I looked back to my table at Rose, who was looking at me with a smirk. I was going to slap that smug-ass smile off her face if she didn't lose it.

As if things couldn't get any worse, Esme burst through the door, late as usual, and rushed over to our table, just as I chugged the remainder of my martini. She took one look at Alice over at the guys' table and managed an uncomfortable but polite smile at Edward. She put her hand on my shoulder as I dropped my head into my hands.

"What…did I miss," she asked, half-joking. I simply gestured with the flick of my hand over to the other table.

"Welcome to my nightmare," I grumbled, and let my head fall heavily onto my arm.

*********

Ironically, minutes earlier I had just finished complaining to Alice and Rosalie about my shitty Friday and my punk-ass new ad/marketing manager. I had started in on my second martini when Alice's hot new man came sauntering over to us. Alice squealed with excitement as he approached. Her eyes were saucers as she devoured him, starting at his cowboy boots hidden under tight, perfectly worn jeans, then up to his black t-shirt that hugged his muscled chest and arms, and finally to his smiling face, complete with dimples and perfectly tousled sandy blonde hair. Stooping first to kiss Alice on the cheek, he then greeted us in a perfectly delectable southern drawl.

"Hello there ladies; I'm Jasper Whitlock and I have had the honor of courting this fine gentlewoman," he said, his voice like melted butter.

Are you kidding me? I think we all sighed collectively as he finished his introduction and kissed Alice's hand. She giggled like a silly schoolgirl and then we all just gaped at each other until Jasper, sensing we four had been rendered useless by his charms, stepped in once again.

Offering his hand to Rose now, he added, "I don't believe I've had the pleasure of meeting your friends, Alice."

Suddenly Alice came back to life and introduced Rose and then he turned to me, took my hand and Alice added, "…and this is Bella."

He smiled and bowed his head slightly as he had for Rosalie, and then draped his arm around my friend. We thanked him for the drinks – Rose deduced he had ordered the round – and we talked briefly about how the two had met, where Jasper was from and what he did for a living.

As he spoke, I studied him intently; all of the men in my girlfriends' lives had to pass my rigorous approval, much to Rose and Alice's chagrin, of course. I had to give my girl approbation; she had good taste.

Rosallie's man Emmett had been a tougher sell, but Rose had persisted. Once I saw how good they really were together – and Emmett had swiftly thrown me over his shoulder and vowed to keep spinning me until I said I loved him – I was officially Team Emmett. Just watching Alice and Jasper, I knew they'd be perfect together, and my heart ached a bit at their happiness.

Am I ever going to get my perfect match? At this point, I seriously doubted it.

"Darlin,' would you like to meet my buddies over there?" Jasper said to Alice as he motioned over to a table across the room.

I followed his hand and glanced over to see two men deep in conversation. The blonde one was gorgeous, with sun-kissed wavy hair and a tan that seemed out of place in rainy Seattle. The other seemed to be listening to him intently, nodding and fidgeting with his beer bottle. I couldn't see his face well in the darkness of the restaurant, but I could tell his hair was dark and wild, and his fingers. Damn, look at those fingers. He must play the piano. His fingers loosely grasped the green bottle as he played with it, and my mind instantly started working on what else he could do with them. Shit! Focus!

Alice bounced off her stool, told us she'd be right back and skipped off with Jasper across the restaurant. I sighed and turned back to Rose.

After giving the two friends a once-over, she shifted her focus to me and said, "Damn, this city is full of fine men. Look at those two over there, not to mention the one Alice has now. Yum. B, you need to get yourself one of them. If I wasn't with Emmett, my ass'd be over to their table in an instant."

I rolled my eyes, and took another gulp of my martini. I had lost my patience with men, and was in no mood to play the role of the coy, helpless damsel in need of rescuing. So done with that bullshit. Plus, I wasn't feeling very sociable; I was still licking my wounds from my workday. I ordered us two more drinks and I made quick work of my own, barely pausing between draining the glass and popping the olives into my mouth. Rose assessed my now-slightly inebriated state, and I raised my eyebrows at her in a challenge. Don't you dare cut me off, Rosie. It's been a hell of a day. As if she read my mind, she remained silent.

And then I heard it.

"You're Edward Cullen?"

Alice's shrill question cut through the background noise, and I turned in time to see a pair of darkened green eyes looking at me. His expression must have mirrored mine – shocked, horrified and then disgusted and indignant. Of all the restaurants in this thriving metropolis, he chose mine. Were the cosmos out to get revenge on me? What contest in hell had I won? Why?

***********

Esme was still supportively rubbing my back, trying to get me to pick my head up off the table.

"Honey, it's not that bad," she said. "Maybe in a social setting you two can put your differences aside."

I laughed – a little too loudly – and hailed the waiter. There was no way in hell I was spending the evening here – with him across the room – sober. Alice was at their table for what seemed like an eternity, and I tried so hard not to look over there and let my paranoia take over. What were they talking about? Was Edward talking about me? Was Alice talking about me? Was everyone talking about me? When my drink came I happily let it distract me and further numb my overloaded brain.

Esme sat down next to me, ordered a drink for herself and she and Rose chatted idly while I continued my downward spiral. It's really a shame Edward is so attractive. Such a waste of a long, lean body, awesome sex hair, piercing green eyes and those hands.

I shivered unintentionally as I looked him up and down. His dark jeans hugged his long legs and ass nicely, and I resisted the urge to run over there and grab a handful. His grey v-neck sweater showed only a faint outline of the muscles beneath; not too beefy-just right. His hair was messy as usual and now he was pinching the bridge of his nose again with two fingers. Like he did earlier evening when I spoke to him at the office.

Instead of obsessing over him – the dickhead – I refocused my compulsive tendencies on my drink and tried to re-enter the conversation at my own table.

"…so I told Emmett that I'd ask you guys if you'd like to come," Rose was saying. "He managed to get a bunch of tickets through his company, and you know we'd never manage to get a bunch of front row tickets to a U2 concert, much less for free! This way, we can all sit together."

"I've always wanted to see U2 in concert," I slurred. "I love them. Larry Mullen is a genius on the drums, and Bono – well, I admire his passion for world issues."

Esme and Rose just gaped at me, and I wondered how much of that came out the way I'd hoped.

"What?" I asked. Rose shook her head at me. I took another quick glance at the guys' table and saw Alice bounding back to me with a grin from ear to ear. Edward was turned away from us.

"Hey girls! Isn't Jasper a dream," she said breathlessly. "Oh my God, you'll never guess who I met!"

Rose explained we had all heard her, and I finished my martini, a bit dribbling down my chin. Alice sat back down and taking in my appearance, she tried to comfort me. At this point, though, I was too far gone to care much.

"Bella, don't worry. Edward was very polite and we didn't talk about you or work," she said and I looked at her, hopeful. "I think he'd already gotten his ranting out of his system before I got over there. Jasper said he heard all about you, but of course he didn't know it was you because Edward didn't use your name." Rose tilted her head and, of course, vocalized what I was wondering.

"What did he call her, Alice," she asked. Alice was silent.

"Alice, what name did he use?" I prodded. She sat completely still for what seemed like ages like she hoped if by not moving we'd forget she was there. "Come on, Alice," I yelled, and she sighed.

"Okay, but if I tell you, promise you're not going to say or do anything rash," she pleaded. "Esme, make Bella promise she won't let this affect her at work."

Esme shook her head solemnly, and said she'd try. "Hopefully Bella's too drunk to remember everything," she whispered.

I smacked my hand against the table in protest to her comment and Alice's stalling. "Tell me – now!"

"Okay, okay. Bella, he called you the bitch boss from hell."

It took a while for my sluggish brain to comprehend the insult, but then I lurched off my stool and made for Edward's table. If he thinks he's going to bad mouth me to his friends or make me out as some evil witch, he's got another thing coming! A few steps closer to them I checked my attire to make sure nothing was hanging out or unzipped, and Alice grabbed me by the arm, spinning me around.

"Bella, please don't do this honey," she begged. "You've had a lot to drink tonight, and you're upset. Please don't let this unravel you." But I was already undone, and I shook her off and swayed a bit.

"Alice, it's too late. He's a disrespectful prick and a cocky fucker and I don't like him," I argued. "I'm just going to go over there and teach him a thing or two about manners."

I charged ahead, with Alice trailing behind me and when I got to the table, three pairs of eyes stared back at me in semi-disbelief. At least I think that's what happened; I couldn't see them very clearly. I stood inches away from Edward's face, and even in my drunken stupor I could tell he smelled good, so I inhaled deeply before opening my mouth.

"Gentlemen, please excuse the interruption," I slurred, and Jasper and the blonde continued to stare silently. Looking at Edward now, very closely, I narrowed my eyes and tried to channel my anger. "Mr. Cullen, I would appreciate it if in the future you would refrain from childish name-calling and try to maintain an air of professionalism. Our meeting here tonight is most unfortunate, but I am trying to be an adult about this. This is obviously a foreign concept to you. If you have a problem with me, have the decency to address me directly, and don't drag my friends into your character assessment of me."

Again, I have no idea how much of this I actually said, but it was there in my head at least. Once I had finished I crossed my arms angrily and waited for his reply. He glanced helplessly at his two friends and then turned to me with fire in his eyes.

"Ms. Swan, I am also sorry you decided to visit this restaurant tonight; I can assure you my evening is irrevocably altered because of your presence," he remarked, the sarcasm quite evident, his expressive eyes hard. "I am quite capable of being an adult and I promise you that I won't let the fact that you're a cold-hearted bitch boss from hell affect the quality of work I do for your company. Please know that it's not for you, though. I do this for my own benefit. And for Esme. You know, you could stand to learn a thing or two from her about being a human being."

His words cut through my martini-induced haze and I choked on them. Edward Cullen despised me. Despite my similar feelings toward him, his honestly still shocked me, and I took a step back as if they had been an actual slap. What did I do to him? Then my confusion turned to anger again, and I stepped toward him, this time even closer. Before I even knew what I'd say, I heard the words tumble out of my mouth.

"Well then I would hate to disappoint you," I spat. "Long live the cold-hearted bitch boss from hell. Enjoy your weekend. See you on Monday." And I turned unsteadily on my heel and strode back to my table, grabbed my jacket and purse and walked out the door.

A few moments later Esme came outside to find me pacing the sidewalk outside the restaurant. I was fuming and needed fresh air, and I couldn't get any while he was in there. Esme tried to calm me down, but between the booze and the confrontation, she wasn't having much success. She instructed me to stay where I was before pulling the keys from my hand and running back inside to get Rose and Alice. Since Alice had decided to go back with Jasper, Rosalie offered to take my car home and said she'd get a taxi from my townhouse. I faintly remembered getting in the passenger seat of my car and the movement of Rose maneuvering the car in and out of late-night traffic. And that was it.

I awoke in my bed on Saturday with one hell of a headache and an awful taste in my mouth. Thankfully my bedroom curtains were closed, so only the clock on my nightstand told me that it was late morning. Ugh. No more drinking-ever. What the hell happened? The details of the prior evening were fuzzy after the point that I realized Edward Cullen was at The Alibi Room. I groaned and pulled the covers over my head as I grasped the motive for my drinking last night. Edward effing Cullen. My door creaked and I peeked out of the covers to see Rosalie standing there with a tray.

"Good morning rock star," she said with a less-than-entirely-sympathetic smile. "How are you feeling? You had quite a night." She stood by the bed as I slowly extracted myself from the blankets and then she placed the tray over my lap. She had made toast and there was a glass of water, two aspirin and a Bloody Mary taking up the rest of the tray. "I didn't know how you felt, so I made something for upset stomach or headache, or both."

Managing a weak smile – it hurt to move my face too much – I thanked her sincerely.

"Rose, can you help me fill in the blanks here," I asked sheepishly. "I don't remember much after the third martini, and I have a feeling it was bad. And no offense, but why are you here? Not that I don't enjoy being taken care of the morning after a bender." Rose laughed and sat on the end of my bed, and I steeled myself for her answers.

"Well honey, you had a rough night. Apparently that Edward Cullen really gets to you. I won't go into detail on that. You drank way too much, so I drove your car home for you, and I stayed because after you threw up the third time, I was worried you'd pass out on the bathroom floor if you got up again and I wasn't here. So it was Nurse Rose to the rescue. Does that satisfy your curiosity?"

It helped, but I still had a nagging feeling there was more. I pressed her to elaborate on the Edward stuff.

"Umm…well, I'll give it to him; the man is not afraid of you, B," she continued. "Alice gave me the gist of what you two said to each other, and it sounds like Esme's got her work cut out for her in keeping you two from tearing each other to pieces on Monday."

Oh shit. I groaned again and rested my throbbing head in my hands. Rosalie told me about the bitch boss thing and I stopped her once she had disclosed what I said to Edward. I felt sick again, and took a swig of water and the aspirin from my tray. Esme was not going to have to deal with the ramifications of my behavior; I'd see to that. Edward was another story, but I refused to force her to be the mother in this situation.

"Rose, I am so sorry if I embarrassed you or said anything to you last night; you know I was in a bad way to start and the martinis did nothing to improve that, obviously," I said. "I'm going to call Alice and apologize and Esme too. God, Jasper and the other guy – what was his name – must think I'm a psycho!"

"Nah, don't worry about it. Esme and Alice did some damage control, which was actually good because Es seemed to hit it off with that Carlisle guy," Rose offered. "Why don't you finish your food, get some rest and you can call the girls later. I'm going to head home and get out of these clothes. We'll get together sometime this weekend, okay? But please B, no more martinis for a little while." I nodded with tears in my eyes and she hugged me goodbye before closing the door behind her. What a mess.

So…what did you all think? Are these two going to kill each other on Monday? Or maybe they'll just tear each other's clothes off? You tell me!