Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto; it's owned by the amazing Masashi Kishimoto.
Warning: This fic was done out of boredom and for the sake of procrastinating so please don't expect New York Times Bestseller quality.
The Innocent Letter
Chapter 2/2
Red... Light... District...
Red...
Light...
District...
Red...
Light...
District...
"I ABSOLUTELY WON'T ALLOW IT!" Iruka roared as he slammed his fists on his desk – cracking the poor innocent piece of fine wooden furniture – as he launched to his feet, making those closest to him take some hasty steps back in fear.
"What won't Iruka allow?" a female voice questioned in a loud voice that could foolishly drawn the angry Chuunin's attention. It was quite stupidly reckless really... It was so very Anko.
"Kakashi's introducing Naruto to the delights of the red light district," Genma drawled before a paper weight flew (from an unmistakable source) with a very impressive accuracy that left the Tokubetsu Jounin reeling as it slammed against the chin. What were the chances that the angle was just right for the paperweight to force his mouth to suddenly fly open and therefore allow the senbon to...
Well...
"Genma's dying!" someone shrieked as choking noises filled the Missions Room. Shuffling feet moved in synchrony as the wide bare space between the Chuunin and the rest of the room's occupants widened considerably.
Anko smirked. "So your mothering instincts have emerged."
Such words after seeing firsthand what Iruka had done to Genma were plain suicidal.
"Shut up, Anko," Iruka threatened as his fists clenched. "Ever since that boy ended up in my class, I have watched over him as though he were my own little brother. Therefore, he is extremely precious to me and I love him with dearly."
"Ah, here we go," Anko muttered as the familiar tirade flowed out from the brunet Chuunin.
Iruka turned quite melodramatically – although no one had the balls (male or otherwise) to dare point it out – towards the Missions Room window where the view of the Hokage Monument was visible. One could guess easily enough which Hokage he was about to make his vow to.
"I was entrusted by the Sandaime Hokage to watch over Naruto," Iruka announced as he placed a hand over his heart with an expression of utter solemnity on his face. "I shall keep my promise to try my very best to make sure that Naruto won't be corrupted by the evil and vices of this cold, cruel and perverted world. I've been entrusted to keep his purity, his chastity-"
Genma, having recovered, just had to interrupt. "I don't think Naruto was exactly pure even when Sandaime had been alive; he used that Sexy-no-Jutsu on Sandaime after all... And the fact that Sandaime fell for it speaks for itself about how much he probably values Naruto's purity and chastity- GAH!"
Ebisu stared in a mixture of horror and exasperation at his fellow Tokubetsu Jounin. Seriously. How idiotic can one get?
"Then I'll do it for Yondaime," Iruka snapped before he returned his gaze to the Hokage Monument. "Yondaime," he began earnestly as he stared up at the stone face of the Fourth Hokage. "I shall preserve your son's purity and chastity and make sure he does not follow in the footsteps of your bat-crazy, cold, perverted, arrogant, cocky, irritating, perverted, annoying, vexing, incorrigible, perverted, mightier-than-thou, tumour to society, asshole of ultimate proportions, perverted student called Kakashi Hatake!"
Everyone knew that the Chuunin only stopped due to the need for air – he would've kept on going to the point of inserting 'perverted' so many times in every nasty adjective he could think of otherwise. Everyone also knew that it was probably wisest to leave... right... about... NOW!
"Well," Anko announced as she turned towards the door. "Now that you've declared your undying devotion to Kakashi's soldier – I mean, your ex-student – I'll just go and relax under the-"
Claws – oops, a hand – clenched tightly on Anko's shoulder, making the kunoichi meekly raise her hands in surrender as an ominous, creeping, threatening cold began to surround her from behind.
"Oh, Anko," a sickly sweet voice sang as the grip tightened enough that Anko wouldn't be surprised if she found herself bleeding. "You are coming with me."
Anko laughed nervously. "Oh I really don't think- EEEP! Okay, OKAY! MERCY! MERCY! FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI!"
"Genma," Iruka barked, making the technically higher-ranked Tokubetsu Jounin stand in attention in a healthy combination of respect, fear and self-preservation. "Go to the desk and man it while I go off to my noble quest."
Of course, Tokubetsu Jounin have never been accused of being sane. "But-" he began to protest.
Iruka's eyes immediately narrowed as he gave Genma a withering glare that the senbon master shrunk away from. "Do you want a repeat of the 'Chopsticks Affair'?"
Fearful gasps filled the Missions Room as Genma began wailing and sobbing at the obviously very painful memories. It had taken more than five months before he could tolerate being in the same room as a single chopstick. He would eat using only a spoon during those months and even until now, he would warily study and check any chopstick before he entered it in his mouth. He even avoided the senbon for a while since it reminded him too much of the dreaded wooden utensil...
"Noooooo!" he screamed as he vaulted over the desk and began to furiously read the documents before him as though the devil – or Iruka – was after him with a flaming whip.
Iruka nodded to himself in satisfaction before turning to Ebisu – with Anko still in his unshakeable grip – and giving him a lovely, sweet smile.
Ebisu didn't know whether to melt into a puddle or run for his miserable life.
Iruka grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt and began dragging him away along with Anko. "You're coming with me too, Ebisu-sensei," Iruka said in a happy sing-song voice.
"W-Why?" Both Tokubetsu Jounin asked somewhat nervously.
"Anko's coming 'coz she just pissed me off," Iruka explained calmly while the kunoichi in question let out an incensed "Hey!" "That and I need a bargaining chip when I get to the red light district so I can look for Naruto at my convenience."
Anko instantly paled. "B-B-Bargaining chip?"
Iruka just smiled at her and Anko began struggling harder.
"No!" she screamed as she clawed at his hand in desperation. "I don't want to lose my purity and chastity!"
"There's nothing to lose that you haven't already lost," Iruka replied calmly as he ignored Anko's protests.
"What about me?" Ebisu asked meekly although he had almost been too afraid to ask. But he just had to know.
Iruka smiled that lovely smile again as he answered.
"Just in case I need a shield."
Yup. He just had to know...
They finally arrived at the next town where Naruto said he and Kakashi would be. Iruka looked around, wondering where to start in the infamous district as Anko and Ebisu panted from all the effort they had placed on trying to escape. Sure, Iruka was just a Chuunin and a rank below them but just one threat to Naruto – real or otherwise – and Iruka would gain the incredible prowess of the elite.
"Now how to find them," Iruka muttered angrily as he eyed the first of the buildings. "Searching one building after another in this Kami-forsaken place will take forever – or at least long enough for me to fail saving Naruto."
Before the Anko and Ebisu knew what was happening, Iruka had released them and performed the seals necessary for a Summoning Jutsu. Ebisu looked on in curiosity, never having seen Iruka's summon. Anko, however, growled threateningly at a man who leered at her.
"Summoning Jutsu!"
A wildcat appeared on the ground and Ebisu stared at it in confusion.
"Something wrong, Ebisu-sensei?" Iruka asked. Ebisu chuckled nervously.
"I just had the funny thought that your summon would be... you know... a dolphin."
A vein ticked at Iruka's forehead and Ebisu instantly knew that he was in for a world of trouble.
"Even if I can summon dolphins," Iruka began quietly before his voice began rising with each word. "Did you really think I would summon a dolphin in an area with absolutely no water? And I thought he was meant to specialise in training the elite," Iruka added in a mutter as he turned to his summon.
"Now, Yukari," Iruka began but his summon suddenly stopped, sniffed the air before his pupils dilated.
Uh-oh... Yukari only ever gets like this when there's-
"Catnip, catnip, catnip," Yukari chanted before bolting off.
"YUKARI!" Iruka yelled but his summon disappeared into the distance. Iruka clenched his fists. "Damn it! Foiled so easily by mere catnip! Kakashi must have been behind this! He knows my summon is a cat!"
"Aren't you being paranoid?" Anko asked as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Sure, Kakashi took that fox-boy here thinking it would annoy you – that's possible. But I don't think he'd go out of his way to scatter catnip somewhere just to prevent you from finding them."
"You're just not aware of the depths of deprivation," Iruka countered as he began thinking on how to proceed. Iruka could always summon his female wildcat, Toya, but she would just probably end up chasing after Yukari to beat the shit out of him for giving into temptation on a job.
Yup, not very helpful.
Iruka looked at Anko with a grave expression. "I'm forced to use you earlier than I intended to, bargaining chip."
Anko immediately took a step back. "H-Hold on a minute! I thought you were joking!"
She just received a deadpanned look. "I never joke when it comes to my Naruto's well-being."
"What about my well-being as a delicate, fragile maiden?" Anko protested as she began backing away from Iruka.
"You're not fooling anyone," Iruka told her quite frankly as he finally got a firm hold on the bait – er, kunoichi.
A desperate scream could be heard from blocks away.
"Will Anko really be all right?" Ebisu asked nervously as he followed the Chuunin inside another brothel. Iruka had been asking the same question about five times already.
"Is there a blond teen-ager here with a silver poofhead? You can't miss him – he's tall, wears a mask that covers all of his face except for one eye, has his nose perpetually buried in a disgusting orange book and walks lazily around with a slouch."
So far, they've had no luck with that description.
Iruka's frustration was beginning to show as he was met with another negative. Oh how Ebisu wanted to run away from him! But he had the feeling that if he even tried, he would be in a much worse situation than poor Anko.
"She'll be fine," Iruka said flippantly as he headed towards the next brothel. "She's survived worse than that."
Ebisu wasn't sure about that but he had no more time to ponder as he quickly sped up to catch up with the Chuunin, who was already entering the biggest brothel he has seen thus far.
Who knew it was where his fate would be sealed?
"Good morning!" a group of very cheerful and scantily-clad women welcomed them. Iruka smiled just as cheerfully in return to butter them up, along with his own "Good morning" when it happened.
The women gasped then began giggling excitedly. It was so bizarre that Iruka would have gladly ran out of the brothel if it weren't for the fact that Naruto's purity and chastity were on the line.
"He is so cute!"
"We rarely get the cute ones here!"
"Or the handsome ones!"
"What would he look like with his hair down?"
"Oh, I want to see!"
"Hey! I saw him first!"
"No way! I saw him first!"
"How can you see him if you have all that hair in your face?"
"Oh shut up! He's mine!"
"In your dreams, whore!"
"Ugh! That insult is moot here – we're all whores!"
"Ladies..."
"Oh, so says the queen of the sluts."
"Ladies..."
"*outraged gasp* That is the mother of all insults!"
"Ladies!"
"Isn't 'slut' the same as 'whore'?"
"Ladies!"
"No, it isn't! 'Slut' is worse because that means fucking around just for the sake of fucking around!"
"Yeah! A 'whore' does it for money!"
"LADIES!"
The group of women instantly quietened down under the command of what seemed to be their leader. She was the most beautiful in the group with shining ocean-blue eyes and jet black hair than fell like a waterfall behind her – and the tallest... taller than even Iruka. Speaking of Iruka...
He had been glued on the spot as he had watched with morbid fascination the vicious exchange among the prostitutes.
It was the most idiotic thing he could've done in such a situation.
Of course, the fact that Ebisu was stuck in the exact same predicament said that much about him as well.
By the time both men realized their grave error, it was already too late.
"We, ladies," the leader said and a sadistic smile crossed her face as she leered at him. "Will share him."
...
Uh-oh...
RUN!
Iruka just had time to turn around before he heard a whip crack and leather wrapped tightly around him, pinning one arm to his side. With his free arm, he grabbed desperately for Ebisu, who luckily had not been smart enough to step away. Chuunin and Tokubetsu Jounin went down together.
"I'm with him!" Iruka yelled as he yanked Ebisu closer. Hey! Desperate times call for desperate measures, all right?
The women paused in dragging him further into their den of the unknown (for the innocent Chuunin anyway).
"Do you mean you're with him or you're with him?" one of the women questioned.
Iruka had no idea what the hell the difference was between 'with him' and 'with him' so he just said, "With him."
...What? They were the same!
"But he's so ugly," one of the other women said in a disbelieving voice as though he had just told her that Ebisu was a sex god.
"Ladies," the leader said gravely and all attention instantly turned to her. "I smell a lie."
There was a chorus of '"oooohs" as the women began eyeing them closely.
"But we are together!" Iruka argued before turning to Ebisu. "Right?"
To his chagrin, Ebisu was blushing like a high school girl who had just been confessed to.
...Oh...
"Well, Iruka-sensei," Ebisu said somewhat shyly that Iruka had to stop the urge to hurl. "I didn't know you felt that way but who am I to reject such a sincere declaration of your feelings? No wonder you dragged me here with you in this place- UGH!"
It was at that point that Iruka could not bear to hear more and had introduced the sole of his sandal to Ebisu's face...
...Quite forcefully.
"Don't delude yourself," Iruka yelled before he sensed an ominous air creep up behind him. This reminded him of what happened with Anko – only in reverse.
Shit!
"Kukuku... So it was a lie..."
Ah, damn it!
"This morsel is up for grabs, ladies," the leader announced.
"Noooo!" Iruka screamed as they began dragging him by the whip off to only Kami knew where. "Take Ebisu instead! That's what I brought him here for!"
Oh Iruka-sensei, Ebisu thought tearfully as he watched Iruka being taken away as he was left behind. To think you'd use me like this...
Funnily enough, though not in a ha-ha way, they decided to yank all of his clothes off, including his hitae-ate, before tugging on his ponytail.
"It's to leave the best for last," the leader proclaimed before they began reaching for his hair.
Damn it! I have to do something about this! Aha!
He quickly pulled his hands free before making the appropriate hand seals.
"Teleportation Jutsu!"
He disappeared in a puff of smoke but he did not go very far. Not at all since he was still as naked as the day he was born.
He had ended up in a thankfully dark empty room with a large wardrobe. Blessing his luck, he quickly opened it to rummage for clothes. Cursing his luck, there were only women's kimonos and yukatas.
Ugh! This'll have to do!
"FIND HIM!"
Iruka flinched just as he finished tying his yukata closed as he heard footsteps coming closer and the sound of doors being opened and closed. Quickly, Iruka did another teleportation jutsu.
This time, the room was lit with bright lights, which could only mean...
...It was occupied.
Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it! What if I'm interrupting someone – or someones? I don't hear any moaning or grunting... Crap! They probably stopped because of me! Must get out of here!
Iruka refused to turn around to see what he could've barged into as he worried and panicked in his head. He didn't realize that the footsteps continued to come closer until he felt tugging on his ponytail before he was thrown down on a futon and covered by a hard, muscular body.
The door slammed open just as fingers dug into his hair and the fabric on his shoulder was pulled down.
"Excuse me, customer, but have you seen- Oh... OH! We are sorry-"
"Please leave," a wonderfully deep voice commanded and Iruka stiffened in recognition. "You are interrupting a very pleasant... activity."
Iruka could not hold back the gasp as a knee grinded against his crotch without warning. He would've struggled and protested but a hand landed discreetly on his mouth and the body on top of him refused to budge.
"O-Of course," a woman stuttered. "We are incredibly sorry!" Then the door slid close.
The hand remained on his mouth until the footsteps faded away.
Iruka gasped for air when the hand finally disappeared. "K-Kakashi-sensei!" he exclaimed as he looked up at the shinobi who was dressed in a plain white yukata.
"Yo," Kakashi greeted in return. He still had not gotten off of Iruka and the Chuunin began squirming uncomfortably.
"Get off me," he demanded albeit weakly. Then remembering why he was there in the first place, he glared at the older man.
"Where's Naruto?" he exclaimed.
But Kakashi just smiled that unreadable smile. "Please be quiet, Iruka, or they'll come back for you."
Properly subdued, Iruka said more quietly, "Where's Naruto?"
Kakashi's smile just widened. "In Konoha."
Iruka stared at him.
And stared.
And stared.
And stared.
"WHAT?"
A hand clamped down on his mouth again.
"Do you really want them to come back?"
Iruka pried at the hand covering his mouth. "Then why the hell did he tell me that he would be here?"
"Why, that's simple," Kakashi replied cheerfully. "Because I asked him to."
Iruka stared at him in unbelieving shock. "H-He would sell me out just like that?"
"Of course not just like that," Kakashi told him in the patient manner of a parent explaining to an idiot of a child that just plain pissed Iruka. "It cost me a month's supply of ramen."
"...So you mean to say that Naruto traded me, his unarguably favourite sensei, for a month's supply of ramen... Not even a year's supply of ramen... If you think about it, he eats about 12-15 bowls of ramen a day so in a month, that's about 450 bowls of ramen... I'm not even worth 500 bowls of ramen?"
Iruka sagged at the force of the betrayal. Oh Naruto... I didn't know I meant so little to you...
As despair began to fill the Chuunin, he failed to notice that the Jounin was already humming happily as he tugged on the ties holding Iruka's yukata together. By the time Iruka noticed, he was already displaying quite a bit of skin.
"W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he yelled as he swatted at Kakashi's wandering hands. "How could Naruto do this to me? Doesn't he know how perverted and depraved you are?"
"Well, it is Ichiraku Ramen. I had to do a bit of work too, you know," Kakashi said, unperturbed as he began stroking Iruka's hair. "Firstly, the catnip-"
Ha! So I wasn't being paranoid, Anko!
"Then the vicious ladies downstairs. They were kind enough to herd you here. Of course, not everything went to plan. You were meant to teleport here first so that I wouldn't have to undress you but ah well, this way has its own charm."
"W-WHAT?" Iruka yelled, blushing fiercely. "You planned all this?"
"Yup," Kakashi said cheerfully and it wasn't until the Jounin began pulling his own clothes off that Iruka realized that he had been stripped bare already.
"W-Wait! Hold on a minute!"
"No," Kakashi answered firmly. "I've been waiting to act out the scene on Icha Icha Trap page 96 for over a month now."
"YOU DEPRAVED PERVERT! RELEASE ME! W-Wait... What are you doing... No.. No... AHHHHHH!"
Meanwhile...
"I can't believe you, Naruto," Ayame, Teuchi's daughter, said with a shake of his head. "I know our ramen is the best but to leave poor Iruka-kun in the hands of Kakashi-san..." She sighed. "Ah, who am I kidding? Iruka is so lucky!" she squealed.
"Iruka-sensei worries too much if he actually fell for that letter," Naruto said cheerfully as he got started on his fourth bowl. "Old man, this is so good! I'm going to need another bowl after this! Anyway, Iruka-sensei should be smart enough to realize that he can't protect my innocence forever, especially with two perverted senseis so I wouldn't worry about him if I were you..."
Ah, if only Naruto knew how much Iruka valued his innocence...
A/N: That was it! Thanks for reading! It was just a bit of fun so like I said, don't expect an epic! It was clichéd and predictable, wasn't it? Thanks for everyone who's added this story to their alert and favourites list (I couldn't believe it at first!), as well as for those precious people who reviewed the first chapter!
KickAssKunoichi – I'm glad you found it funny! Thank you so much for being my first reviewer for this story! Yeah... As you can see, Naruto is not that naive... except in the belief that Iruka would be smart enough to realize that his letter was a joke!
Firecyclone – Aww, thank you! I wasn't sure if I executed the first chapter – and this one – properly enough but I hope it was a bit entertaining at least. Unfortunately for Iruka, Kakashi got his hands on him instead! =P
The-Lady-Smaell – OMG! You're reading my story! AGH! *blushes in embarrassment* LOL, I do have to admit I'm a bit star-struck since I like your fics. I'm glad you liked this humble story enough to review. Thank you and I hope you liked this silly chapter as well!
Ryu Earth – Haha, thanks for letting me know what you thought of the first chapter! I hope you enjoyed this one!
Thanks again to all my readers!
Ceil Scheherazade