Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just decided it was time to shake things up a bit in her characters' world. And I wanted a bitchy Bella, so here we go!
Oh, and all of the references used in this story in relation to the advertising and marketing company and accounts are only used here for entertainment purposes; no copyright infringement intended.
Thank you to the following people: Angelicwish, who has gone above and beyond the call of duty to provide this insecure writer with loads of feedback, advice and now beta services; and to Jen, who always gives me awesome comments when I send her chapters! And thanks to all of you who read and profess your love for this story! I love you! I was going to take you to Edward, but I think the next part needs to come from Bella. After the last chapter, I think we need a little more, don't you? More of what you ask? Read and find out.
Oh, and one more thing before I leave you to it: I know there are a lot of you lurking out there, reading (thank you!) but not reviewing. I've begged and pleaded, so now it's time to bring out the big guns. To solicit more reviews from you lurkers, I will be offering a special prize at the end of this chapter. So read on and see the A/N at the end for more!
Chapter Twenty-one: Confession
Once again, there was the darkness, the foreboding, the running and the crying. First Sam then James and then Paul, all as usual and all on-time. These had been the men in my life--up until this point--who had all broken my heart and made me feel used up and worthless. They were the reason for my wall.
And then someone new entered my dream world. In the clearing--in a meadow, it seemed--Edward walked through the woods and stood at the other end, silent and still. He was beautiful and perfect, and his copper hair shone in the sunlight as it poked through the trees. The scene was breathtaking, and I gasped as he smiled at me from across the expanse. I tried to yell for him, to let him know I was coming to him, but my voice was only breath. Panicked, I waved my arms frantically as I began running through the tall grass and wildflowers. For all my running, though, I wasn't making any progress and Edward still stood so far from me. Still motionless with a smile.
"Edward!" I screamed in my head. "I'm coming! Please don't go!"
Slowly he turned away from me as I continued to run and finally my voice erupted from my throat. I cried out for him as I ran, crying, yelling and tripping when my tears blurred my vision.
"Edward, wait! Please don't leave me! Where are you going?"
When I reached the other edge of the meadow, he was gone, and I ran into the woods beyond to find him. Surely he couldn't have vanished. It seemed like I searched for hours, whimpering, sniffling and stumbling, only to realize that Edward was not there. He was gone. Defeated and broken-hearted once more, I fell to the forest floor, curling into a ball and sobbing. How could he just leave? What did I do?
Gradually I became aware of an echo, a voice calling my name, and then it rang in my ears with perfect clarity.
"Bella! I'm here! Please wake up."
Startled awake, I opened my teary eyes to find Edward--the real one--rocking me, his expression frantic. Through my hiccupping I exhaled loudly and threw my arms around his neck, burying my face there.
"Shh, it's okay Bella. I'm here and I'm not going to leave," he said quietly, over and over. "I'm right here."
In order to assure myself that he was real, I scooted over so that I was straddling his lap, my arms still wrapped around him and my face pressed against the steady pulse in his neck. I took a deep breath and inhaled him; he felt very real.
"That was h-horrible," I sobbed, kissing his hot skin. "I've never had a n-nightmare like that before. They were all there--Sam, James and Paul--but then you were there too, and you disappeared. You left me. I couldn't reach y-you. You l-left."
A new assault of tears spilled over as I relived the horrible dream, but Edward rubbed my back and continued to rock me. He kissed my ear, my hair, any part he could reach and then pulled my head back so that our eyes met. Although it was still dark in the room, my eyes had adjusted and I could see the concern in his dark emerald stare.
"Bella, honey, it's okay now. It was a bad dream and now it's over," he said. "How can I convince you that I'm not going anywhere?"
"I...I don't know," I answered. "I'm so scared of losing you. Like at any moment you're going to come to your senses and disappear." My admission sent another stream of tears down my cheeks. I can't lose you. I love you too much. I took a deep breath and decided it was now or never. If I didn't say something, I would lose him.
"Bella, I'm yours until you send me away," he said, before I could speak again. "My life and yours are connected. Can't you see that? Can't you feel it?"
It was altogether too much to absorb in my current state. The words tumbled out of my mouth of their own accord, as if the floodgates had finally been opened. The last meager reinforcement of my wall tumbled with them.
"Edward, I love you."
I could have sworn my heart stopped as I waited for a reply. And then Edward exhaled and his lips found mine. Cradling my face in his hands, he wiped my tears and then pulled me against him. His kiss was passionate and slow, with a steadily building fire behind it. As he gently pushed his tongue into my mouth, I grabbed a fistful of his hair and tugged. I needed to be closer to him--regardless of what happened in the aftermath of my confession. Then Edward broke our kiss.
"I love you too, Bella," he said, his voice husky with emotion. "When you walked into my life, everything I thought I knew--it changed."
This time I initiated the kiss, and Edward began working on the buttons of my flannel PJ top. Once it was open, he eased it off my shoulders, kissing my collarbone, shoulders and chest as he removed it. He leaned me back onto the bed and pressed his chest against mine as he kissed my neck and caressed my arms. Edward then sat up and let his fingers graze my skin as he moved down to my PJ bottoms. After placing a kiss just below my belly button, he pulled off my pants.
Lying there in just my underwear, I watched as Edward gazed at me in appreciation of what was displayed for only him. His dark eyes met my own and there was so much love there it was nearly too much. This time, though, I didn't panic or shy away from him.
"Edward, I've been so stubborn, so stupid," I managed as his tongue began a path from my neck down to my breasts. I gasped when he circled my nipple and then took it into his mouth.
"Shh…no more regrets," he said, before moving to the other breast. His tongue on my goose-bumped skin silenced me for the time being and my hands ran through his hair, down his neck and across his shoulders and back as he kissed my stomach. Hooking two fingers into my underwear, Edward placed a feathery kiss on each side of my hips before slipping off the lace. As he did this he removed his own underwear and returned to me, pressing the weight of his body against me. It was divine.
For a while, we simply kissed, enjoying the sensation of bare skin on skin, of our heavy breathing, the way our lips met and our tongues played. My hands wandered all over his body--from his hair and then down to his perfect ass--while his worshiped me in the same fashion. This time I was willing to ignore my burning need for Edward, content to savor every inch of him before we came together. He seemed to be thinking the same thing.
"Bella, you're so beautiful," he murmured into my neck, as his fingers skimmed my sides. He rolled us so that I was on top of him and his hands found my backside. "God, I wanted you for so long. Did you know that?"
I smiled with the recognition that I hadn't been the only one resisting. Edward had wanted me too. It wasn't just me.
"Mmmm…I remember your first day at the office," I purred as he squeezed my ass. "I'd never seen someone more beautiful than you, Edward. And then you opened your mouth and…"
He cut me off with a kiss, and I swiftly lost my train of thought. God help me, I love this man so much it hurts. After he rolled me onto my back again, I wrapped my arms and legs around him, clinging for dear life, unable to get close enough. My lips pressed against his so hard it made me wince, but I didn't care. Nothing, from this moment on, would be wasted.
"Bella, I need you," Edward said in that velvety voice--the one that always made me weak--and I nodded frantically and smashed my lips to his again as he pressed his body against mine. When he started to pull away from me I whimpered, but then his face was close to mine again as he smoothed my hair.
"Edward, I'm on the pill," I whispered, not wanting to ruin the moment. "And I trust you. Please, I need to feel you."
He kissed me softly, tenderly, before he replied.
"Thank you for trusting me, Bella. We can talk more about this later, of course, but I wanted you to know…before we met I hadn't been with anyone in three years. And prior to that I got tested for everything, just as a precaution."
It was all I needed to hear; hell, at that moment I wasn't exactly thinking rationally. Thankfully, Edward was. His disclosure prompted me to share something that was probably blaringly obvious to him at this point.
"Edward, I…um, well I haven't been with anyone since Paul," I admitted sheepishly, looking anywhere but at him. "And that was in college. And after…that night…I got tested too."
Edward brought my face back to his, nodded and kissed me again as if nothing had changed, though I imagined that news of my more than 10-year run of celibacy unnerved him a bit. Damn, it's been a long time.
"Is it…um, does it bother you that I haven't been with anyone in a long time?"
"Are you kidding," he exclaimed, pulling us into a sitting position. Damn it, B. You just ruined the mood! "Absolutely not! How could that be a bad thing? I reap all the benefits of your sexual starvation anyways you know." In the dark I could see the change in his features as a smirk tugged up the corner of his mouth. Slowly I pushed Edward until he was lying on his back and then I straddled him again, my own smirk matching his.
"Yes, you do," I said simply. And then I kissed him hard, knowing nothing had been lost due to our conversation. Our bodies quickly responded, and I took Edward in my hand and guided myself over him. Being with him was so amazing. Everything else just floated away. And this time when I took him inside me, it was even better than before; it was almost too much for my brain and body to comprehend.
"Oh God, Bella," Edward said in a rush as the air left his lungs. "You…I feel…this…" Obviously, words escaped him. I knew the feeling.
"I know," I whispered as I rocked over him, anchoring myself with my hands on his shoulders. "I know."
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
For seconds, minutes, hours or days--I had no concept of real time--we shut out the real world and focused only on each other. He took and I gave him all of me. I took all that he gave me in return. Sex with Edward had been mind-blowing from the start, but this time I was unprepared for the onslaught of emotions that accompanied the act.
Edward's hands held my face inches from his own, and I couldn't restrain the tears that rolled down my cheeks and dripped onto his chest as he whispered his love for me over and over again. This man was not like Sam or James or Paul. He was so different. How could I not give him everything I had?
"Bella, what's wrong honey," Edward's worried voice brought me back to him and our moment. "Talk to me." He slowed my movements but did not shift me off him, and I ran my fingers through his hair and managed a smile.
"It's nothing, really. I'm just a mess. You're just…a little too good to be true."
He laughed, kissed me and then looked up at the ceiling, shaking his head.
"Silly Bella, I assure you I am nowhere near perfect," he said. "I'm possessive, a picky bastard, and I have a temper. I never clean up after myself and my fridge at home is filled with old takeout leftovers because I hate food shopping. Feel better now?"
"Well, you know I'm nowhere in the vicinity of perfect, either, so this sort of levels the playing field," I joked. "And a temper? Aren't I the one here with the temper?"
Edward chuckled at my attempt at comedy and rolled us over. He could no doubt see that there was much more I wanted to say, and took decisive action to prevent it.
"No more talking from you--unless it's screaming my name," he said in his best sexy voice. That certainly got my attention. "Now shut up for once and kiss me. You spend far too much time up here," he said, lightly tapping my temple. I complied and then as he started moving over me, I fulfilled his other demand. Multiple times.
As we lay in bed--me with my hand resting over Edward's heart and his arm around me--I replayed our earlier declaration and couldn't quiet the butterflies in my stomach and the quickening of my pulse. Edward loves me. And I finally told him how I feel.
"You awake Edward?"
"Mmm-hmm."
"What are we going to do when we get back to Seattle? We're leaving in less than two days." Leave it to me to ruin post-coital bliss. Shut up for once woman!
"Not sure, Bella," he answered quietly. "We'll figure something out. The important thing is that we love each other and we're going to make this work. Right?"
"Of course," I said, but my mind was already cranking out the multiple realities of our relationship. This wasn't anything new, but now that we'd admitted the depth of our affections, it brought a new heaviness to our return. "We love each other and that's what matters."
Apparently satisfied with my response, and confident he'd defused the situation, Edward began rubbing circles against my shoulder blade. Within minutes his fingers stilled, and I knew he was asleep. I listened to his steady, slow heartbeat, reveling in his strong embrace, and tried to only think happy thoughts.
We loved each other. That's all we needed, right? Surely the Beatles had stumbled upon something there – all you need is love. Then again, it's just a damn song.
*************
My morning wakeup call was not appreciated after the crappy night's sleep, and Edward groaned and rolled over as I set the handset back on its cradle.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," I whispered, kissing him on the nose. "I'm going to jump in shower, okay?" Edward mumbled a reply and buried his head under his pillow, so I slipped out of bed. Edward is also not a morning person. It made me smile.
The shower felt good and I used the time to get refocused on the day. It was Thursday--one more evening of working the booth, and one more night at the hotel. Tomorrow afternoon we'd be flying back to Seattle. And back to reality.
As I rinsed the conditioner from my hair, I felt a blast of cold air and then a pair of warm arms wrap around my torso. After wiping the soap away I opened my eyes to find a tall, naked, sleepy man before me. The shower spray pushed his darkened hair against his forehead, while the rest of the copper bird's nest stuck out in all directions. I couldn't stifle the giggle that slipped from my lips as I assessed him.
"What's so funny?" he sputtered through the water dripping down his face. He kissed me, getting the rest of his head wet, and his hands slid down to grab my ass. "Good morning to you too."
"Your hair," I said. "It looked so funny, half-wet and half-sticking up. It was adorable. And good morning."
"Adorable? I come in here to seduce you in the shower and you call me adorable? Bella, that is a serious blow to a man's ego, you know." Then with a smirk he spun me around so my back was against the wall of the shower, facing away from the spray. He jerked my leg up, hooked it around his hip and licked his lips. Damn. "Luckily, I'm not easily emasculated."
Thank goodness I'm an early riser. By the time we got out of the shower, we had just enough time to get dressed and run to catch the charter to the convention center. I even skipped my usual bun in favor of leaving my hair down and passed on my stockings. As we sat in silence, Edward rubbed the top of my hand with his pinkie. If it weren't for my growling stomach I might have enjoyed the gesture a bit more. Besides, my mind was resting comfortably in the gutter, thanks to our morning shower.
"Are you hungry," Edward whispered. I looked at him with one brow quirked, convinced he was propositioning me for some more convention center sex. "If you want when we get to McCormick Place, I'll run and get us breakfast and you can find our seats." Damn. Guess not. It's just you and your dirty mind at this party.
"Sounds good," I said, smiling appreciatively. I wouldn't make it through the first session without a decent breakfast muffin at least. "I can't afford to skip breakfast. Thank you." I had an overwhelming urge to kiss him, but restrained myself.
I quickly found us seats and Edward soon returned with coffees and blueberry muffins. We ate quickly and then took notes during the morning session. As usual, my eyes wandered often to Edward, though I tried my best to be sly about it. Running my fingers through my hair, I'd turn my head just a bit. Caught me that time. A little while later, I'd uncross and cross my legs and look at him out of the corner of my eye. Damn, foiled again! Leaning down to appear focused on writing notes, I'd steal another glance. Damn it! It's like he's anticipating my every move! All I could think about was him, our shower that morning, the night before…this was getting ridiculous. Strike that, it was already at ridiculous.
It wasn't Edward's fault that I had so little self-control. Man, he looks edible in that navy blue suit. And the white shirt. Gah. Why was I the only one completely unhinged here? This time I didn't try to hide my stare; Edward seemed transfixed by the speaker and I was convinced it took him five minutes to even realize I was looking at him. Calmly he met my gaze, smiled and then turned his attention back to the front of the room. Argh! I narrowed my eyes in defiance of his nonchalance. Oh, two can play at this, Mr. Cullen.
First, I slowly took off my charcoal grey suit jacket, exposing the elegant but low-cut black silk tank underneath. I'd had the suit and top tailored to fit me like a glove, of which I was extremely thankful at this moment. I watched for any signs of life next to me. He put his pen down and turned his head a bit. Excellent. Then, feigning heatstroke--though highly unlikely in this air-conditioned hall--I leaned back and gathered my hair and twisted it up, revealing my neck. The move was as good as two: the gesture forced my breasts out and I knew Edward loved my hair. Then I waited, fanning myself occasionally. Fingers loosening the tie, and then running through the mess on his head. Perfect. I had his attention. Just for good measure, I sighed just loud enough for Edward to hear, licked my lips and started sucking on my pen. I distinctly heard a low curse and Edward started bouncing his leg frantically, as if he wanted to bolt from the room. I bit my lip to keep from grinning. Victory.
I checked my watch: 11:30; almost time for the afternoon break and lunch. Suddenly my brain, which was already residing comfortably in the gutter, had another brilliant idea.
"Hmm….my legs are cramping from sitting still for so long," I whined in a whisper, and reached down, running my fingers from my ankle, up my calf, over my knee and along my thigh. I heard Edward choke and then clear his throat, but I didn't dare look at him. Then I felt his nose brush my cheek.
"What are you trying to do exactly," he asked, his voice straining to stay at a whisper. His breath moved the strands around my face and tickled me. It sent a shiver down my spine. Still, I couldn't look at what I knew would be a very hungry stare.
"Nothing, Edward," I managed, swallowing hard. "I think I need to stretch. I'm going to the ladies room. I'll be right back." As I stood I rested my hand on Edward's thigh, just for a moment, and then walked quickly out of the hall. The ladies room was tucked away in an alcove on the main floor, next to a coat closet and men's room. Upon close inspection I realized two of the three rooms were empty. So I decided to wait.
Edward, as always, did not disappoint me. He found me standing outside the coat closet and pushed me into the room before I had time to explain myself. His mouth was on mine in an instant and his hands gripped my ass, lifting me off my feet. As he put me down, he bunched my skirt around my waist and I unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants.
"I swear, woman, you are an unstoppable force," Edward growled into my ear, before sucking on my earlobe. I answered by pulling down my underwear and stepping out of it. He gruffly picked me up again and wrapped my legs around his waist, slipping inside me.
"Edward…I just…had to be with you…again," I panted as he thrust hard and fast. "Not sure this…was a good…idea. What if someone wants to…hang up a coat?"
"Oh, don't worry about that," he said with a grunt. "They're all still listening to the speaker and besides…I am perfectly capable of a quickie."
This time, thankfully, I had something to hold onto and grabbed a coat rack to brace myself as Edward proved himself in the art of quickies. As my breathing got louder, his hand clamped over my mouth. It was just in time; my muffled cry as I climaxed surely would have worried anyone passing by the coat room. Edward followed moments later, dropping into a squat from the exertion. We sat there--me on his lap and him with his pants at his ankles--for a moment, catching our breath.
"Edward, you are amazing," I said with a sigh. "I can't believe I lured you into a coat closet for sex."
"Thanks love, but I was the one who pushed you in here," he said with a smirk. "Although I will give you full credit for the seduction part. Damn, woman. You were driving me nuts!"
We untangled ourselves and reassembled our clothes. A quick check of my watch showed that it wasn't yet noon. As I reached into my pocket for my undies, Edward's hand was on mine.
"No. I'm going to keep these for the rest of the day," he said, his emerald eyes blazing. "As a reminder to both of us…" Holy shit. This was going to be a long day. I could only nod in agreement; I stuffed the flimsy fabric into Edward's inside vest pocket and gave it a pat. With one more kiss, we went our separate ways. I dashed into the ladies room to freshen up and calm my flushed skin. With one more check of my wardrobe, now minus my underwear, I walked back to the hall just as the speaker was announcing lunch. Edward had my underwear!
As I sat in my seat, Edward's fingers skimmed the bare skin above my knee. Our eyes met and I smiled; Edward responded with the crooked smile that I had grown to love so much. That smile was all I needed. Besides him.
"Hi," I said.
"Hi," he replied.
We were oblivious to the crowd filing out for lunch. We weren't hungry.
A/N: Okay gang, so how did I do? Are we on sex overload here? Or is it just enough? I wanted to convey their burning desire for each other, especially post-I love you. And Bella and Edward are both aware that this "fun" ends when they return to Seattle. They haven't figured any of it out yet, so they're making the most of the trip. The poem excerpt was the rest of Love Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda. Love it. No copyright infringement intended.
Remember to let me know if you'd like to discuss the poems used in my chapters.
And please leave reviews. You know I love them…like shower sex…and convention center sex…
Now for the reward. When I reach 550 reviews, I will write a one-shot of epic lemony proportions…and I will let YOU choose the topic. Leave your suggestion along with your review, and let your imagination run wild!