Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just decided it was time to shake things up a bit in her characters' world. And I wanted a bitchy Bella, so here we go!
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Thank you to the following people: Angelicwish, who has gone above and beyond the call of duty to provide this insecure writer with loads of feedback, advice, beta services and great conversations; and to Jen, who always gives me awesome comments when I send her chapters! And thanks to all of you who read and profess your love for this story! I love you!
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Now we're going to hear from Edward – finally!
Oh, and one more thing before I leave you to it: I know there are a lot of you lurking out there, reading (thank you!) but not reviewing. I've begged and pleaded, so now it's time to bring out the big guns. To solicit more reviews from you lurkers, I will be offering a special prize at the end of this chapter. So read on and see the A/N at the end for more!
Chapter Twenty-two: Reality check
EPOV
The past few days had been such a shock to my system: Bella had opened up her mind, her heart and her body to me, and I had gorged myself on what she gave like a glutton. But I'd given her all of me in the process. The tiny, recessed, cerebral part of my brain only hoped that it wouldn't backfire on me. At the moment, though, I wasn't thinking about what could go wrong. I was too busy enjoying all that was right.
Was I being stupid? Possibly. But, damn it, I was going to enjoy these moments -- however many we might have together -- for all that they were worth.
I had no delusions about Bella; I knew she was a mess and I knew that if we did manage to keep our relationship intact, that it would be difficult. Understatement of the year. She was difficult. And a pain in my ass. And I was stubborn. But damn, to see her smile; to hear her laugh; to feel her lips and hands on me; and to watch her face in sheer ecstasy -- I was convinced that was worth it.
Thursday night, after Bella and I worked that damned booth for the last time -- ah, the memories I will forever associate with conventions -- we headed out for a late dinner downtown. While she was in the ladies' room, I took stock of what had transpired since Sunday.
Sex with Bella. Lots of it. Hot and sweet and passionate as hell. And that damn red top and those jeans – she undid me with that outfit. And she was currently walking around sans panties.
Even after the two of us finally waved the white flag in the face of our mutual desire, Bella was still a mystery; she'd be standoffish one moment and in the next a woman on fire. It wasn't unusual for her, but it was always difficult for me to know which Bella would greet me. It was frankly fucking exhausting. Honestly, if I hadn't gotten lengthy glimpses at the real woman behind the bitchy façade, I would have kept my damned distance. As it was, however, I couldn't stand to be separated from her. She's like my own personal brand of heroin. Shit.
Of course, this made our week difficult. One more than one occasion Bella voiced her desire to sleep alone. I'd be lying if I claimed it didn't wound my pride, especially when I pulled out all the stops and broke out the Shakespeare. No luck. And I knew Bella was still suffering from her nightmares; the night I heard her it took every ounce of will I had not to bang on her door and help her get back to sleep.
Despite our discussions and revelations, I knew there was a part of her that she kept locked away. I could feel it constantly; when I touched her, when our bodies came together, and even when we just talked. It was maddening. Even with my best efforts to coax her out of her shell, to be patient with her and to let her lead, she still wasn't completely mine.
She might never be, I realized.
Automatically, my brain skipped back to the sex. Call it a defense mechanism; I don't give a shit. Sex at the convention center -- twice. All of our hotel room activities had been fucking hot and mind-blowing. The first time I discovered what Bella wore under the suit, it nearly blew my damn mind. Garters. Thigh-high stockings. The heels and the lace underwear. I groaned as I sat in the restaurant getting hard. Think of something else.
Aro and Tanya. Involuntarily I shivered at the mental image of the old, slimy bastard and his protégé. Truthfully, I'd given his offer some thought. It was an ideal offer, and it also very conveniently solved the problem of Bella and me working together as a couple. After doing a little research, however, the seemingly golden offer tarnished. Tanya's brazen phone call was the last nail in the proverbial coffin. And I told Bella as much.
"Hey. You too tired for dinner out?" Bella's voice jarred me back to the present, and I shook my head and smiled. She sat down and refilled her wine glass.
"No, I'm good," I answered lightly, reaching for her hand across the table. "Just spacing out a little and thinking about this week. It's really flown, hasn't it?"
She looked at me, her gaze was suddenly far away, obviously lost in her own thoughts. I silently hoped her reflections were good ones; that she wasn't going to punish herself for the last week.
"It sure has," she said. "Wow. I can't believe we leave tomorrow."
We were both silent for a few minutes, too occupied by the weight of the words she'd just spoken. How are we going to go back and pretend like we're the same two people who came to Chicago last weekend? Impossible.
"Edward, I've been thinking…," Bella began and instinctively my stomach clenched. "About us and what happens when we go back to work on Monday."
I knew this was coming. Fuck.
"And…?"
"Well, I was thinking that maybe you should take Aro's offer."
I nearly fell out of my damn chair.
"What?! How could you suggest such a thing, after our encounter with them and knowing what kind of person Aro is," I exclaimed. "How can you even entertain it?"
"I know it sounds insane, Edward, but just hear me out," she said, her voice pleading. "Please know that I love you. I'm trying to think of you -- and of us -- and I just don't know how we can merge our personal relationship with our working one. I mean, Edward, I'm your boss. What kind of example would I be setting if everyone discovered you and I were together?"
Rendered momentarily speechless, I only blinked at her.
"Edward, consider your career," she said. "If I made you a partner or even gave you a lesser promotion, everyone would allege favoritism and we'd both be scrutinized. I can't defend doing that to you or to Esme. Our reputations are all on the line here."
"What do you want me to say Bella? What kind of options do I have? Don't I get to have a say here?" My mind raced as I schemed to concoct any scenario that would include Bella and me together and me not working for Aro. "I appreciate you thinking of our careers, but have you considered our feelings in any of this," I asked. The desperation in my voice surprised me. Get your shit together man.
"Of course I have Edward," she whispered, her eyes glistening in the low light of the restaurant. "God, it's all I can do to not fall apart at the idea of you not being with me every day. I'm trying to be rational about this, and I just think you should consider Aro's offer. It's a great opportunity -- better pay, lots of perks and a stepping stone -- and of course it would only be transitory. I'm sure another firm would quickly snatch you up once you were established for a short time there."
She's already made up her mind.
But I wasn't going to surrender that easily.
"What about Tanya?"
I watched as her eyes darkened and narrowed and she worked her lips into a determined semi-pout. It took all of my strength not to kiss her right there and take her back to the hotel. I love jealous Bella. Focus dickhead.
"What about her, Edward? Haven't you already declined her…invitations…as well?"
"Of course," I said, already regretting what I was about to say. "But if I'm working with her every day, she won't be easily deterred. She was…rather…persistent when she called me the other night."
Bella knew I was playing dirty; but I didn't appreciate her making decisions for us without my input. This wasn't just about two individuals anymore.
"Fine. Forget I ever mentioned it," she said sourly.
The rest of our meal was rather quiet, for which I felt partially responsible. After dinner, Bella paid with the credit card and then suggested we take a walk around the city for a while. Unwilling to let our disagreement be the last discussion of the evening, I agreed.
For a while we walked silently. I wanted to ask Bella why we were rambling around the city on a bitterly cold evening but her body language was just as icy, so I waited. She'd speak when she was ready; that much I'd learned.
"I'm sorry Edward," she began finally. "I didn't mean to make the decision for you. I was just trying to help, and I really can't formulate another strategy. It's been on my mind all week."
I stopped our progress along the river and grabbed her hand and squeezed it. I knew exactly how she felt.
"Bella, I know. It's been on my mind too," I admitted as I pulled her closer. "I love you, and I want us to be together. But working for Aro -- it's too high of a price. I can find another firm if it comes to that; I will not leave Swan & Platte for Aro and Tanya."
As I pulled her against my chest and kissed her hair, I felt her sigh deeply and relax into me.
"Edward, it's not fair of me to send you out into the wilderness to fend for yourself," she said, chuckling at her own choice of words. "I feel like this is my fault on so many levels."
Embracing her, I laughed because I knew there was nothing that could be done about that. She and Esme had hired me and if anyone walked away, it would have to be me. I just wasn't willing to do that yet, even if I had a great offer from a competing firm. Swan & Platte was a perfect fit, and I'd built a rapport with my clients that had taken time and effort. Why does this have to be so damn difficult? If only we'd been able to stay away from each other… But I quickly shoved that thought aside. I wouldn't have traded any of it.
"Bella, honey, stop talking nonsense," I said affectionately. "I'm a big boy and I can handle myself in the 'wilderness,' just so you know. We both took this path of our own free will, and I can't very well fire you for insubordination, now can I?"
The last part was a joke, of course. Apparently it was lost on Bella, though. She looked up at me with those wide brown eyes and as the tears threatened to spill, I stifled my guffaws.
"Edward, it's not funny," she sniffed. "I wish you would take this seriously. Our relationship is at stake and you're making jokes."
"Bella, please don't cry. I was only trying to lighten the mood," I said. "Let's not agonize about this anymore tonight, please? We'll sleep on it. Maybe I'll have an epiphany."
With the hour growing late and the wind picking up, we made our way back to the hotel and went inside. Although there had been no resolution to our problem, I was confident I'd think of something. And in the meantime, couldn't we both act professionally about this? I thought so.
"Your room or mine?"
Bella's question as we walked down the hall toward our rooms brought a grin to my face. Inwardly I pumped my fist and shouted, "Yes!" when I realized she wasn't going to try the martyr thing tonight. God, I love this woman.
"God, I love you Bella."
"Love you too," she said with a smile, her eyes sparkling. "Now, your room or mine?"
"Yours. It's nicer."
************
An hour later, we lay in bed, tangled in the sheets and each other's naked bodies. Bella rested her head against my bare chest as I absentmindedly flipped through the channels on TV, my fingers running through her hair. For some reason, this simple act -- her pressed against me and the comfortable silence, aside from the news -- was calming. It felt right. I could get used to this. Us. My heart swelled with the notion, and I smiled.
Bella fell asleep quickly that night, though I stayed awake for a while, just watching her sleep. Again I was struck by how peaceful she looked -- almost angelic, even -- when she was at her most vulnerable. Then she'd sigh or moan and I'd have to restrain myself from waking her.
God help me, this woman has complete control over me. Damn. Never thought I'd say that, even to myself. I wonder if this is how Jasper and Carlisle feel about their relationships. I protectively curled myself against Bella's back and was soon asleep. Neither of us was plagued by Bella's nightmares that night.
Friday morning came much too quickly, and I groaned and rolled over as the phone rang for Bella's wakeup call. I felt a light kiss on my shoulder and the mattress give as Bella stood and audibly yawned. Moments later the bathroom door closed and I opened one eye to assess the status of the sunrise. Nothing. Ugh. Apparently our last day in Chicago was going to be a cloudy one -- cloudy with a 60 percent chance of snow, according to the weatherman. Great.
When Bella emerged from the bathroom and after one of my proper good morning kisses, I went back to my room to shower, dress and pack so that we'd be ready to leave directly from the convention center at noon. Our flight was at two, and it would give us just enough time to get back to Seattle and get ready for the U2 concert.
Our final session dragged, most likely because I struggled to even pay partial attention to the speakers. My mind kept jumping back to our conversation last night. I hadn't devised a proper solution to our situation, but I was still adamant about avoiding Aro and Tanya.
As the last speaker thanked us all for attending and contributing, I glanced over at Bella, who was sitting beside me like she was frozen to her seat. The lights came up and people stood to gather their things, but she made no move. Hell, she didn't even blink.
"Pssst. Bella. You ready to go?"
"What? Oh, yeah…sorry," she stammered. I waited while she put away her notepad and pen and gathered her briefcase, and helped her into her coat before we walked out of the hall, luggage in-tow. There was a flurry of activity outside the convention center so we had to wait for a few moments to hail a cab. As people bustled by and the snow eddied in little tornadoes around us, I felt Bella's little finger link around my pinkie, and I glanced at her. While her gaze was cast down at the sidewalk, the smile, I knew, was for me alone.
Once in the cab, she rested her head on my shoulder and her hand on my thigh. Suddenly I couldn't wait to get back to Seattle. My brain began swirling with visions of us naked on my bed, on my couch, in my shower. I stifled a groan as Bella settled against me. She didn't speak a word all the way to the airport.
Somewhere over South Dakota, my patience and resolve to let her work out her thoughts disintegrated.
"Bella, I am aware that I ask you this way too often, but is everything alright? You haven't spoken a word since we left the convention center."
She sighed heavily, like the weight of the damn world was on her shoulders, and met my concerned gaze with an expression much too closely resembling resignation.
"You know, you do ask me that question much too often," she said with a small smile, in an obvious attempt at deflection. "You need to stop worrying so much. I'm fine."
I felt the bile rising in my throat. She was lying through her damn teeth.
What else could I say to her? We'd discussed this and if she wasn't willing to let me in, there was nothing I could do to force her. The lack of control pissed me right the fuck off. I took a few deep breaths to clear the flash of red from my vision and told myself that it would be fine. We'll relax and have a great time at the concert tonight, and we'll take it a day at a time. Like everyone else does.
Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, asshole.
**************
"So, I'll see you later then?"
Bella and I stood at the baggage claim area, waiting for our luggage to come around the carousel. Her body language was all awkwardness and stress, and it was making me angry, confused and desperate. Fuck.
"Yeah, sure," I said flatly. "Carlisle and Jasper and I will meet you outside at eight. You're getting a ride with Alice, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett, right?"
She nodded.
"Isn't that going to be a bit crowded," I asked. "Want me to pick you up? Carlisle has room for one more in his truck, if you'd like to ride with us." Please give me something, Bella. Don't disappear on me. Not now.
"Thanks for the offer, Edward. Really," she said sincerely. "But Alice has demanded that she inspect my concert attire before I leave the house, and that means Rose and Emmett are coming over too." Then she laughed and I was able to push the panic a bit further down into my gut. "Save yourself. I'll see you out front at eight. I'll be the girl wearing red -- I think." And just like that, she was back.
With a devilish grin -- she obviously knew I had a weakness for that color -- she stood on her toes and kissed me passionately. It was the first time she'd kissed me since that morning, and the electric shock that I had grown accustomed to felt momentarily foreign. I pulled her into my embrace, unwilling to stop for the sake of luggage and a concert. After a few moments, though, Bella broke our kiss. She looked over just in time to see our suitcases on the belt and ran over to grab hers. I allowed mine to make another loop; I'd get it when it came around again.
"See you later tonight, handsome," she said when she returned. With another kiss, she walked away from me. I stood there frozen like an ass for a few moments, before I turned toward her retreating form.
"Hey Bella!" I yelled. She turned with an expectant and shocked look on her face. "It was a great week, wasn't it?"
Blushing, she bit her lip and nodded. Then she waved and turned back to the exit. I pulled my suitcase off the belt and made my way outside, my mind conflicted.
This was clearly not going to go well. But at least we had tonight and a whole weekend to spend with each other, free of work and all of the shit that would come with Monday. And I was going to make it count, damn it.
****************
"Hey man, how was the Windy City?"
Jasper's drawl was a welcomed sound as I smiled into my phone, pulling into my driveway. Home sweet home. I managed to unlock my door and pull my suitcase inside before dropping my cell onto the kitchen floor.
"Sorry J, didn't meant to drop you," I said. "It was good. Shit, it was really good. Bella -- God, J she's fucking amazing. I…uh…"
As my words jammed on my tongue like a 40-car pileup, I heard Jasper's lilting laughter from the other end of my phone and realized how ridiculous I sounded.
"Jasper, is it like this with you and Alice? I can't fucking think straight, man," I complained. "She's got me all tangled up, for shit's sake." Again, there was only laughter on the other end. I'm going to pummel him when I see him.
"Yep, that's what good love'll do to ya," he said. "Alice is everything to me. And I assume I'm correct in sayin' that Bella's everything to you now. Right? So I take it you took my advice and let the lady lead ya. Good boy!"
"You know it. J, just get your honky-tonk ass over here," I retorted. "Carlisle will be here around 7:15."
We said goodbye and I ran upstairs to shower and shave. Most diehard U2 fans wore their best fan t-shirts to the shows, but I wanted to look nice for Bella. I am such a chick. I threw on dark blue jeans and a black thermal, slipped my wallet in my front pocket and ran my fingers through my hair -- not that it did any good. I pulled a beer from the fridge and sat down to flip through my 800 TV channels. Minutes later Jasper's pickup headlights shone in my front window, and when he knocked I yelled for him to come in.
"It's open."
"Heya EC. You good'n relaxed man?" Jasper asked, assessing me and the half-empty beer. He quirked an eyebrow at me, smiled a shit-eating grin, and asked if he could help himself to a beer. I nodded, still flipping channels and heading toward number 600. Why did I need all of these?
"So…good times in Chicago?" Jasper asked, walking into the living room with two beers. He was fishing for something, and immediately I grew suspicious.
"Yeah, like I said, J," I answered. Narrowing my eyes, I added, "Okay, spill it you hillbilly. What did Alice tell you? You know something!"
"Aww, come on now! I'm innocent as a newborn babe," he swore, laughing and holding up his hands like he was surrendering. "And don't look at me like that man. I swear Alice hasn't spoken to Bella since last weekend! Not that she hasn't tried like hell to get her on the horn. I swear that woman of mine subsists on gossip."
I couldn't avoid laughing at that. Jasper, dating a gossip hound. When I was finished snickering, I saw that my friend was still eyeing me like the cat that ate the canary. What the fuck?
"Alright, enough with the eyebrow, Whitlock! What do you want to know? Did Bella and I make up? Yup. Did we have sex? Yup. Lots. Did I have a good week? Yup. Best so far. Do I have feelings for her? Yup. Definitely. Does that cover it?"
Jasper smiled and took a leisurely swig of his beer before answering my barrage of questions and answers.
"Are you two a thing now," he asked. Of course he'd ask me the one question I really didn't have an answer to. "And are you plannin' to continue your relationship now that you're back?"
"Damn, J, you're really into this feeling/relationship bullshit, aren't you," I teased. "Maybe you should have been a high school guidance counselor or something, instead of some super secret government agent."
"Edward, I study relationships and body language, which certainly has practical applications aside from work," he said, silencing my digs. "And somethin' tells me you're feelin' more than post-weeklong-coital bliss here. Did you tell her you're in love with her?"
Leave it to Jasper to cut to the quick of the issue – again. I'm in love with my boss, and after a week of pouring our hearts out and hot, passionate sex, I still had no idea what I was doing, or if Bella was on the same page as me.
"Actually, she said it first," I admitted. "But yes. I told her I loved her too."
A knock on the door announced Carlisle's arrival, and Jasper ushered him in with a beer and a handshake. Soon the three of us were discussing my relationship with Bella. It was clear that we were all smitten with our women, so I knew I was in good company on that front, at least. Not that it was helping me much to keep their spotlight off me.
"Have you two discussed the ground rules for returning to work on Monday," Carlisle asked. "That's certainly a situation that requires some decorum." No shit.
"Not really," I began. When my older brother attempted to interrupt, possibly to lecture me on the finer points of navigating office romances with aplomb, I held up my hand and continued. "But I know it's another conversation we need to have and I planned to discuss it with her this weekend. Preferably over wine, dinner and relaxing on the couch. We've had so many conversations, you guys. I think we're both exhausted. This hasn't been easy at all, and we're only just getting started."
In a departure from his usually serious demeanor, Carlisle began humming the beginning of "We've Only Just Begun," and I swatted him on the back of the head like our old man used to. It broke the somber mood in the room, for which I was grateful. We finished our beers and decided we needed to get going to make it to Seattle Center in time to meet the others.
After piling into Carlisle's Land Rover, Jasper apparently decided he wasn't finished with me.
"Edward, man, I just wanna let you know that whatever happens, Alice and I will be there to support you -- both of you. 'Kay?"
"Um, sure. Yeah, of course. Thanks man."
As we made our way to the concert, I tried to ignore the growing pit in my stomach.
"Whatever happens…"
A/N: Uh-oh. Gang, don't worry. I'm not going to go all unnecessarily emo on you now. Just have faith and hang in there. It'll be worth it. Since Edward had too much catching up to do, I think I'll keep him around for a little while. Besides, I enjoy his copious swearing.
Now for the reward. When I reach 550 reviews, I will write a one-shot of epic lemony proportions…and I will let YOU choose the topic. Leave your suggestion along with your review, and let your imagination run wild!
Please leave comments and reviews! I love them like U2! Now on to the concert we go!