The Star Wars of Penzance
Scene 3
(Enter Fred Skywalker.)
Fred: You have a pretty good mezzo-soprano, for a droid. I'll take you.
3PO: But what about my counterpart, R2-D2?
Fred With his voice? Forget it! We might as well let our librettist sing:
3PO: But sir, I need him! His memory banks contain all my sheet music. He also tunes pianos, and acts as a metronome.
(Demonstrates metronome in R2's head.)
Fred: I don't know. Aunt Ruth was very specific: if we can get a good mezzo-soprano, a coloratura soprano, and a comic baritone, we'll have the best opera company on Tatooine.
3PO: Also the only opera company on Tatooine.
Fred: I hardly think that was a tactful remark. Wait 'til Aunt Ruth gets hold of you. If you think having a stage mother is bad, try having a stage aunt.
(R2-D2 lets out a round of beeps.)
3PO: Wait, sir! R2 says he knows where to find your soprano and baritone.
Fred: How does he know something like that?
3PO: He's also my agent. (R2 beeps some more.) He says old Obi-wan Stanley, who lives out by the Dune Sea, sings the fastest patter song in the quadrant.
Fred: What about the soprano?
3PO: He says he'll play her demo after you buy him.
Fred: He's an agent, all right. Okay, I'll take you both, and we'll go audition Obi-wan. But this soprano of yours had better be good. If I can make the Tatooine Opera Company a going concern, Aunt Ruth will let me out of my contract and I can get off this rock.
Song – Fred SkywalkerDoes no one have a deed to do,
A real one, not phantasmagoric,
A villain vile, or maybe two,
Requiring bravery sophomoric?
This world perhaps possesses charms
For those who wouldn't wear galoshes,
But I'd give all its sandy farms
For just one chance at buckling swashes.
Jawas: But no one has a deed to do,
A real one, not phantasmagoric,
A villain vile, or maybe two,
Requiring bravery sophomoric.
Fred: Not one?
Jawas: No, no, not one!
Fred: Not one?
Jawas: No, no-
(R2-D2 produces a hologram of the Princess Mabel.)
Mabel: Yes, one!
Jawas: 'Tis Mabel!
Mabel: Yes, 'tis Mabel!
Though I am but a hologram,
A sham,
If you will hear my tale of woe
You'll know
That any idiot can be,
For me,
A hero, 'cause I'm in a jam.
Jawas:
The question is, would she address
This plea so vocal,
Were she not in a hopeless mess,
To such a yokel?
Mabel: A jam! I'm in a jam!
Song – Princess Mabel
Poor wandering droid!
Though you're but comic relief,
You play a part
Dear to my heart.
Poor wandering droid!
Poor wandering droid!
Follow my scheme with élan.
To this princess
In dire distress
Bring any poor hero you can!
Bring my own leading man.
Bring any good guy you can!
Jawas: Bring her own leading man.
Bring any good guy you can!
Librettist's Notes:
The comment about letting the librettist sing is not in reference to me (I can sing, though I don't have a trained voice) but to Gilbert, who claimed he knew two songs, "One is God Save the Queen and the other isn't." I sometimes wonder if this was true, or if was just his way of making sure he never trespassed on Sullivan's territory