The Star Wars of Penzance
Scene 4

(Mabel disappears and the Jawas exit. Obi-wan enters.)

Fred: Obi-wan! We were just going to go look for you. But what good will it do to audition you if I can't get the Princess Mabel, too?

Obi-wan: But I know where to find the Princess.

Fred: You do?

Obi-wan: Yes, she's being held captive by the evil Lord Vader aboard his Death Star space station. Will you come with me to rescue her?

Fred: I wouldn't stay behind for all the Coke in China! But how do we get off this wretched planet?

Obi-wan: Fortunately, I know of just the space pilot for us. Here she is now.

(Enter Aunt Ruth.)

Fred: Aunt Ruth! How did you get to be a space pilot?

Ruth: The exigencies of the plot required it. Every Gilbert and Sullivan opera has to have an unattractive middle-aged contralto. Chewbacca is too handsome, and Han Solo sings bass, so that leaves me. Now get into my spaceship, and we'll be at the Death Star before Obi-wan can sing half a patter song.

(They all exit. Scene changes to the Death Star.
Enter stealthily, in a row, Fred, Mabel, 3PO, and Ruth.)

Recitative - Fred Skywalker

Come, the rescue's nearly finished;
Vader's chances are diminished
If we get away.
Searching for us are Stormtroopers,
Armed with electronic snoopers.
Ladies, do not stray!

(Fred continues offstage.)

Women:
Yes, the rescue's nearly finished;
Vader's chances are diminished
If we get away.
Searching for us are Stormtroopers,
Armed with electronic snoopers:
No, we will not stray!

(Enter six Stormtroopers behind the women and grab them.)

Women: Too late!
Troopers: Ha! Ha!
Women: Too !ate!
Troopers: Ha! Ha!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! ha! ha!

Ensemble

Troopers:
You have missed your opportunity
Of escaping with impunity,
So return to the security
Of your cell for all futurity.
You shall once more be incarcerate,
All your hopes for freedom desolate,
And within that penal cavity
You will experience our depravity.

Women:
We have missed our opportunity
Of escaping with impunity;
We'll return to the security
Of our cell for all futurity,
We shall once more be incarcerate,
All our hopes for freedom desolate,
And within that penal cavity
We will experience their depravity.

Librettist's Notes:

Ah, the difficulties of turning a nearly all-male story into an opera! It would be easy if I were parodying Benjamin Britten, but this is Gilbert and Sullivan. Luke's Aunt Beru was the only one available for my Formidable Contralto, so she gets Han Solo's job. I never liked Han Solo anyway. I also need her to fill out my meagre excuse for a women's chorus.

This section contains another sign of the piece's 1970s heritage: Fred's reference to "all the Coke in China." Coca-Cola had just gotten its franchise to sell soft drinks in Red China, as we called it then. This was big news at the time; by referring to current events I follow the model of my poetic guru, W.S. Gilbert. "Ohhh, Captain Shaaaaw...!"

Coming up next, the patter song!