Summary: Kida's pickup lines have finally worked on a girl! But she's not exactly who he's talking to...

Warnings: OC appears because I love her and no DRRR character would work it out. Plus sexual themes are suggested.

Disclaimer: DRRR the anime would already be cranking into its second season if I owned it.

It started out seeming like a perfectly normal day in Ikebukuro.

The sun was shining, the streets were crowded, and school was over. Heiwajima Shizuo was flinging vending machines at a laughing informant. Kida Masaomi was hunting for girls. Ryugamine Mikado was, once again, sighing as his blonde friend attempted, and marvelously failed every single time, to charm a girl into a civil conversation. And as all perfectly normal days went, Kida Masaomi's choice of language was on the bottom of the list for civil things to do. So poor Mikado watched another daily ritual, where Masaomi just had to get himself slapped across the face by a girl, with a roll of his eyes and a pitiful sigh. Honestly, his friend would never learn.

So Mikado checked the time and calculated the rate at which Masaomi earned a worse and worse reputation from the girls in the park. After reaching a satisfactory result of Masaomi being turned down by a girl every 3.5 minutes, Mikado safely estimated that he and his friend would be allowed to call it a day and go home in approximately twenty minutes. Which meant about six more girls to go. Perfectly normal.

So Masaomi, being the persistent boy he was, rubbed his cheek awhile before approaching another poor girl who had been unlucky enough to stand alone nearby the infamous hunter of Ikebukuro. He then proceeded to give a ridiculous speech about how her eyes were as bright as fluorescent lights and her hair was as dark as oil and other statements that made Mikado vaguely wonder if girl-hunting was just an excuse to insult every female in the park in the most indecent manner possible. Oh well, even those insults disguised as compliments (or was it the other way around?) were part of the perfectly normal routine, so Mikado didn't really care.

That is, until the girl who was being victimized smiled and laughed.

Mikado stared. Laugh? Did that girl just laugh at what Masaomi said? And it wasn't the cynical, sarcastic this-poor-punk-doesn't-know-what-he's-talking-about type of laugh. It was pure laughter filled with genuine mirth void of any ill intent. Was she deaf? Maybe a little mentally challenged? Or maybe she didn't know Japanese! That must be it. She could easily be Chinese or Korean or Vietnamese, or maybe even a girl from Japanese descent who had grown up in another country!

But Mikado's frantic reasoning immediately evaporated when the girl started talking to his best friend in undeniably fluent Japanese. Not even an accent. And judging by the content of what she said, she was intelligent enough to understand what Masaomi had said earlier. Actually, the content of what she just said was a suggestion that they go to a café and get some drinks and socialize. In short, Kida Masaomi had just picked up a girl. In a single word, it was a miracle.

Today was far from a perfectly normal day.

Mikado, Kida, and the girl, who introduced herself as Kashimoto Miyuki, were all sitting at a table in a café that had air conditioning on at full blast. Mikado shivered. This was as weird as being abducted by an alien, but since this city already had a Dullahan maybe aliens were not very far from weird in the first place. Mikado pondered about what would possibly be a good metaphor or simile that would convey the level of weirdness of this situation.

Like, it was as weird as Orihara Izaya getting on his knees and proposing marriage to Heiwajima Shizuo in the middle of the street.

And Shizuo accepts. Gracefully.

Yeah, that level of weirdness would work. Mikado shuddered and pushed the imagery far from his mind. He was going to end up with nightmares if he didn't forget that idea quickly. Or he was going to have nightmares with him sitting with a cup of juice in his hand watching his best friend hit it off with a girl who actually was pretty and also seemingly smart and humorous. Oh, he was so not jealous.

"Wow, Kida-kun! I'm surprised that I'm only the twenty-third girl you tried to pick up today. Should I say that I am very flattered?" The girl grinned without a trace of sarcasm.

"Please say so, because I am the prince and knight of all damsels, and I am a very busy man awaiting the call of four other princesses who I have knelt down and asked for a date! I hope you're honored to spend the little time I have with you!" declared the blonde with dramatic gestures and a bucketful of narcissism. Mikado shook his head. Even though Masaomi had somewhat miraculously gotten invited into a conversation, he was going to get kicked out of it. Soon.

"Then I guess I'm very honored!" she beamed. "I was watching you for a while and I wanted to talk to you. You're really interesting, you know."

Maybe not.

"Why, thank you!" Masaomi recovered from a split second's worth of shock (even he knew how bad he could get) and gallantly did a mini-bow. "You are one of the rare deities who have been lucky enough to notice my skill!"

"It's not that I'm particularly lucky though," the Kashimoto girl said after taking a sip of her coffee. "I was just a little observant. Physically, you are quite attractive. Plus, if people took notice to your speeches, they'd notice that you're not dumb. It's your flashy attitude and rather crude choice of speech that repels others, but if you watch closely enough, it's just a façade. You're smart and you have manners. Your flashy attitude is only exaggerated performance that is meant to impress others, but you know how to make people comfortable. Overall, you're cool."

Masaomi smiled, the flamboyant attitude dissolved into a gentler one. "Thank you."

Mikado felt his stomach turn over a little. This wasn't very good. Kida Masaomi was enjoying the appreciation. And this appreciation was very accurately based on careful observation. It was pretty much everything that Mikado felt about his friend whenever they came on these hunting expeditions. This girl had completely understood the good nature of his friend in a single day! Plus, said girl was very pretty (Mikado had to admit that), amiable, and smart enough to analyze someone easily. She was also the same age as they were. Mikado swallowed his juice to comfort his throat, which had become very dry all of the sudden. He glanced at Masaomi. Would he be attracted to this girl?

Mikado hoped not. His stomach was queasy, and he knew the juice had little to do with it. He knew full well why his stomach was in such an uproar. Although it was a term foreign to his tongue because the concept never really had been introduced to his mind before, Mikado knew jealousy when he felt it. Oh sure, Masaomi always hit on girls. But Mikado had never really been jealous of any of them. Of course, the things that Masaomi said to Sonohara-san and other girls often made Mikado squirm, and the attention Masaomi poured to other women was irritating in every right, but that was it. Nobody reciprocated to the famous Casanova and nobody took him seriously. Nobody really appreciated him fully other than Mikado and Sonohara-san, and that was fine because the latter had no love interest in said-Casanova and the former was said-Casanova's boyfriend. Mikado was Masaomi's boyfriend. Consequently, this made Masaomi into Mikado's boyfriend. Mikado wasn't jealous when they rightfully belonged to each other and nobody bothered to interfere with their relationship. There was no reason to be.

Yet now a very attractive girl had shown interest in Masaomi, and there was a chance that Masaomi would be drawn to this girl because Masaomi always had loved girls in the first place. Mikado had never been jealous before, because there was nobody to be jealous of anyways, even before the two friends had updated their status to lovers.

But Mikado had always been a little afraid.

Masaomi had been so blatantly interested in girls since their childhood years that Mikado secretly gave up on his early-discovered love for his best friend long ago. He had been surprised when Masaomi was the first to reveal himself, holding Mikado close and whispering that he had loved Mikado for so long. Mikado trusted Masaomi. They were best friends and even, well, lovers. Still, Mikado wasn't sure if Masaomi would always stick with him. He never really had to compete against someone for Masaomi's attention before, and what if his best friend really preferred girls? Did he stand a chance? Would they really remain as a couple no matter what? After all, Masaomi still went to hit on girls, which was out of habit, but was it really? Could it be possible that Mikado was only a substitute that would be laid off as soon as a suitable girlfriend appeared? Besides, they had never had, err, any sexually intimate encounters yet. No groping, no blowjobs, no nothing. The maximum limit was kissing and tongue and pressed bodies that yearned for friction. And they had been dating for over an entire month. Mikado realized this and suddenly wished he could bang his head into the nearest concrete surface possible.

"If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater."

Huh?

Mikado snapped out of his reverie of self-pity to look at Masaomi. During his mental analysis of their relationship status Mikado had vaguely heard Kashimoto-san suggest to Masaomi that he tell her some of his pickup lines, because they were the source of his failures. She was personally interested in them and would be glad to help in improvement. So Masaomi had started to fling his disastrous pickup lines to Kashimoto-san, who must have a mentality of iron because her facial expression didn't change even a bit when the catastrophic lines was hurled at her. Mikado gaped at Masaomi, but the appalling pickup line (that thing was defined as a pickup line? What the hell was the definition of "pickup line" these days?) wasn't the only reason Mikado was gawking at his best friend-slash-boyfriend.

The casual foot on his leg was.

Somehow Kida Masaomi had taken off one of his shoes and had slyly slid his foot, clad in a white sock, over to touch Mikado's shin. Apparently nobody else in the café noticed, since nobody was looking their way and Kashimoto-san didn't have superpowers that allowed her to see through the table. Masaomi kept his eyes on the girl opposite of him as his left foot slowly pressed against Mikado's leg, since Mikado was sitting on the right side of Masaomi. The girl nodded and told Masaomi to go on. The toes wriggled under the cover of the sock, as if to tickle Mikado.

What the hell?

"I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true."

The foot was inching upwards, causing a peculiar sensation to spread through Mikado's entire body. He nervously glanced at the girl opposite of them, hoping she didn't notice what was going on beneath the table. Apparently she didn't, since she merely cracked a smile and told Masaomi to continue.

"What has 142 to teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper."

Mikado let out a strangled sound at that statement, while Kashimoto Miyuki just laughed and shifted her position. Ironically enough, Kida Masaomi had also altered his position as he said that line, causing Mikado to let out the sound as if he had been hit in the stomach.

Masaomi's right hand was on Mikado's thigh now.

"Does your boyfriend know where you are?"

His tone was still playful, but it had dropped down a notch. Masaomi kept his eyes trained on the girl's, but nimble fingers stroking across the thigh made it painfully aware who Masaomi was really talking to. The seductive quality was barely there, in the bottom of Kida Masaomi's voice, but Mikado heard it, felt it as the hand moved a little upwards as it stopped to rest again on his thigh. The hand squeezed, and Mikado willed an oncoming blush to not arrive. His body was drained of that gut-wrenching fear now, but instead filled with a warm pleasant heat that should get the hell out of his body before his pants become a little uncomfortable! Mikado unconsciously bit his lip as he mentally commanded his body to empty itself of the sudden hormonal rampage.

The hand moved upwards once again, closer than comfort, as Masaomi grinned and breathed out his next line.

"Roses are red,"

The hand was so close—

"Violets are blue,"

His voice was dangerously low and why was it so sexy all of the sudden—

"How would you like it if I came home with you?"

Mikado bit down hard to make sure he didn't let out a whimper.

"Well then," Kashimoto-san clapped her hands together, "my advice is that you don't make your advances too rash, and that you leave out sexual innuendos. It would increase your success rate nicely."

She rose from her seat as she said her farewell; she had an appointment to go to. As she made her way to the exit, she turned around with a grin.

"Of course, that's if you want to increase your success rate with girls. I think the innuendo's do nicely for your boyfriend there."

Then she waved and went off.

Mikado stared at the exit she had left through. Masaomi checked the time. It was twenty minutes past the time that Mikado had last checked his phone for the time. It was just the right time to head for home. Masaomi lifted an eyebrow.

"So Mikado."

Mikado turned, the bright red complexion not showing any signs of fading away soon. Masaomi beamed.

"So will you take me up on my offer and let me come home with you?"

These oneshots might not be all in chronological order, but they all belong in the same universe (so they might be somewhat related). No overall plot though.

Kashimoto Miyuki is a random OC, but I figured that there was no other female DRRR character that Kida could hit on safely and have no repurcussions. She might come along again if I need her.

So please tell me what you like and what you don't! And correct me if there are any mistakes please.. (gahhh first time I ever used a blatantly sexual word aaaaaaa blowjob aaaaaaaahhhh well smut will come sooner or later)

Oh yeah, I have a poll going on right now so visit my profile page please? It's a poll about my two earlier fics P.S. I Love You and Replacing You, and I want you to tell me if you want a sequel from these two in a combined universe!