Bittersweet
Sasuke's POV
Even if Sasuke could easily dodge him off, he let the blonde get it out. He felt like laughing out loud when the blonde said he could have him hunted. For one, he knew his best anbus didnt stand a chance against him, for two, he knew Naruto would never do such a thing. He was all words.
He didnt like messing with the boy's heart, actually he didnt care until this very outburst.
He had to admit he hadnt seen it coming, not in such a violent reaction.
But in the very end, he was right, his leave was the only thing that could shock the hokage deep down.
And his last words, about hating him seemed to have a dramatic effect on the young man.
As the blonde pulled the raven haired man down, Sasuke clenched his teeth in the pressure but his face remained emotionless as he was pushed around to lock eyes with an enraged hokage.
His onyx orbs boring into the cerulean ones, trying to study the aftermath his own cruel words had created to his past friend. And for one instance, seeing that crazy sadness, desperation, insanity into the hokage's eyes, he felt regret.
Not letting show, trying to keep his cool, he shifted lightly under the boy's weight. He still could push him off of him anytime he wanted but for the time being he felt like he wanted to let the blonde get it all out before they moved on with the fight.
His wrists pinned down against the ground by Naruto's hands, he couldnt help but shiver lightly in the memory of Naruto embracing his neck some moments ago.
It felt so right, but allas he had to ruin the moment, being the typical jerk he was.
But now, he had no excuse to ruin the moment, he was the captured one and it was a sweet surrender.
His skin warming up lightly under Naruto's touch, he looked up at the guy who muttered meaningless insults to him. He seemed to have lost his self control and Sasuke didnt enjoy this anymore.
But wasnt that what he wanted? He looked into the cerulean orbs, silent, emotionless, but with a strong intensity as if he was trying to find the solution to all their problems into his eyes.
But Naruto seemed even more lost than him. Why had they become like that again? Was it really his fault? Or was it Naruto's for never trying to understand him? He thought he loved him but he never realized how meanignless all of the attention Sasuke got was to him.
''No, this is not what I want...You know what I want: your life.'' he repeats but his eyes are empty, he says it almost mechanically, as some well programmed robot that has no sense of what its saying but it is saying it, either way. And his words sound so empty, like they are words he says for joke, everyday, casual, oddly familiar.
He knows the effect this will have on Naruto's already shattered heart yet he doesn't care, he is on a leash, probably losing self control himself.
His mean words are just a pathetic effort to cover up his feelings, his sadness, his worry for seeing Naruto so heart broken and knowing it is all his fault. But why does he care? Why did he come there for his head if he cared in the first place? All this confusion served to nothing.
''I don't deserve your forgiveness.''he whispers, almost too scared anymore to speak out any words, seeing Naruto's mental condition so frail. But it isnt like him to be nice for long.
He wishes he could snatch out those wrists of his from Naruto's grip and reach his hands up to the blonde's face and wipe his forecoming tears away. Just touch him, just tell him he cares for him in his own way, a way that his lips cant find. It feels funny how eager his body is to trasmit what he feels, but his mouth isn't. Almost as if talking about feelings is forbid to him.
If he saw Naruto crying, he is afraid he couldn't handle his own emotions anymore. Naruto seems angry but he knows better than that. He knows how hurt the blonde feels, its so easy to read, right into his watery cerulean orbs.
And there is his chance...Could he hope for an easy but sly get away? Could he do what Naruto dared him to and provoke his own death? In order to save Naruto? Yes he could. Yes there was nothing else in this world he would want more right now than exhange his life for the hokages.
It wasnt his plan, its not what his mind tells him to do, but this is Naruto and he is just a human after all. He doesnt hate Naruto the way he hated Itachi. He would do once everything and defy anyone to claim Itachi's life. Cause Itachi was the cause of all his pain , of all his cut bonds, or thats what he thought before he found out the truth at least.
But with Naruto, it was different. The blonde guy had never done anything bad to him other than stay loyal and devoted to his memory all these years of his crime filled absence.
After Itachi's death, Sasuke had been having such thoughts all the time, which bothered and tortured him a lot while he took his decision to revenge Konoha using his childhood friend.
And if now he was to go back and ask Naruto to forgive him, it would be the easy way out. He knew Naruto would take him back with open arms, anytime, and he knew that he would make everyone else do the same.
But what had Sasuke done for him all his life? Nothing. And this word stung in his head a lot more than he wanted it to.
He had come to kill the hokage, but it seemed as if he was holding back in the last minute. He had struggled and agonized a lot to make Naruto defiant, in battle mode, yet now that he had him where exactly he wanted him to, he couldnt find it in him to hurt him anymore.
Not when his voice was giving out such monstrous pain.
He could knock Naruto out very easily, instantly, by activating his sharingan. The blonde would only have to look into his crimson eyes-the way he looked at his black right now-and he would fall asleep in his lap, hypnotized as if nothing had happened.
But then, the fight would continue. And no matter who won at the end, Naruto wasnt Itachi and Sasuke wasnt heartless...
No matter how hard he tried to convince himself he was...he knew he wasnt, he knew his bonds werent cut over for eternity, the moment he locked eyes with Naruto on that very day.
His upset was becoming bigger each passing by torturing minute, notbreaking eye contact with the hokage.
He only waited for one word of his and the fight would be on. At last.
But he couldnt find it in him, he couldnt bring himself to prolone Naruto's suffering more...and his. Maybe it was just a moment of weakness he would regret later on. Oh, how he wished he was away now, alone, and not under that intense light blue gaze that haunted his conscience.
His hands were shaking lightly, as his fingers interlocked with Naruto's long ones. Gripping tightly on his past teammate's hands, as if he was trying to take strength from him, he looked deeply into his eyes, trying not to give his strong unbearable emotions out.
His lips parted partially, as he was trying hard to bring himself to say something insulting, something mean, something rude, to initiate the fight.
It came so easy to him on other occasions, he would let out condescending insults and words as if it was water flowing out of his mouth, as if it was second nature to him to despise the blonde.
Yet, this very time, it was upsettingly hard. Just a word, just a mean phrase, and Naruto would unleash all his fury on him and Sasuke would know he did the right thing.
Cause his coscience was telling him that between fighting on equal terms with Naruto with death of either as a result and going back to him while he knew the blonde would forgive him instantly no matter what he said, the first was a more fair thing to do. A tough but more honest one. And he owed some honesty to Naruto, after all these years of ignorance and rejection.
Maybe it was mean, but it was the right thing to do, long term. He himself couldnt feel fine with settling down in Konoha again after everything that he had done. He wasnt of steel, he couldnt bear the thought of himself in that place when he knew he was considered a criminal and someone who didnt deserve the hokage's mercy and forgiveness.
He was still contemplating in his mind about what to say, when the words came out on their own, not even himself realizing what he was saying.
''What I am waiting for? What are you, idiot, waiting for? All this damn time, I have only betrayed you and left you behind, I have only hurt you! Why haven't you killed me already? What kind of a dobe you are that you let me do this to you? You say you dont forgive me? Prove it! I am here, waiting for you to hurt me, so do it! I deserve all of your hatred!''
His voice came out in a loud tone, but it didnt sound steady anymore. It was shaky, still deep, but he sounded like he was having an outburst, too. Which he was, sadly for him, he had his weak moments too and this was surely one of them.
Damn the dobe and how hard he was making all of it.
His cheeks had taken a light blush color, because even if his words hadnt let out too much feeling-or thats what he thought-they were meant out of care and interest.
But he could count on Naruto to never believe that, used to his mean nature all those years.
But...he wasnt sure if his eyes were as collected as he thought his words had been...
He could feel his hands shaking now intensely, locking fingers with Naruto's in a desperate motion, he knew that for sure.
He also knew his heart was racing so fast that he could feel it losing a a beat anytime soon. His heart beat, oh his heart beat was so loud, he could hear it among Naruto's upset breaths and his own heavy ones.
Could the dobe hear it,as he did?
His face, his face was still emotionless, he got that, and he felt grateful...but dont they say eyes are the mirror into one's soul?
Well, his eyes were perfectly dark, he got nothing to afraid, his eyes couldnt betray him...
But this thought immediately proved itself wrong, the moment Sasuke registered a salty liquid crawling slowly along his pale, cheeks.
His perfectly emotionless cold facade had just been ripped off by his own tears...
He was crying.
And the very immediate moments that follows, his mind could only register the most embarrassing pregnant silence he had ever experienced.
Naruto's POV
He wanted to hit him in the face. He wanted to kill him. He wanted to drag him back to Konaha, and keep him safe. But Naruto would never find it in himself to actually make it happen. Like so many things, Naruto could never do much more than want. There was no emotion in Sasuke's face. Just this.. look. Like he knew he'd won. A type of superiorority complex that made Naruto growl in agony.
Was he really so terrible? Was there really so much reason to hate him? They'd barely seen each other in years! Blue eyes smudged against black, trying to stay calm. Fierce. The things Sasuke said were sharp, and could go deeper than any kunai. He knows that this is only the truth again, that Sasuke has always hated him.. but hearing it all the same hurts.
He bristles, trying not to seem as worse-for-wear as he feels. It's so familiar to see Sasuke speak like this, to hear that tone. It's almost like reliving the past. Those eyes drag him back into simpler times, to seperate occasions when all he'd thought to do was simply stop and stare.. like it might be his last chance. Little did he know at the time, it had been. Naruto isn't ready for this confruntation. That's easy to catch. But he keeps his head held high, trying to maintain this false dominance.
''You can ******** have it.'' he says. His eyes are a facade of ignorance, of a hope he no longer has. ''If you really want it, just take my life already! But you can't have anything else.'' He's negotiating. How pathetic. Trying to make sure Konoha stays safe. It's part of his persona though, putting someone or something else before himself. Safety had no means in regard to his life. It was worthless.
He blinked at the sound of Sasuke's next words, almost stunned. He didn't think he deserved his forgivness? Damn straight, a part of him wanted to scream out. You'll never deserve anything I give you. But the better part, the part that held his coddling heart, knew better. ''No, you don't.'' A lie. He tried to convince himself of the words as soon as they left him, but it didn't work. No matter what happened, he knew he'd always care about Sasuke. He'd always go running after him, long after the trail went cold. It was just how things worked. Sasuke would push him away, or cut him to pieces, but the blond would always come back. Like a kicked dog to it's master. He couldn't bare life without Sasuke, nothing even mattered.
The last couple months had blurred together in a mass of hysteria. Being Hokage was never an easy job, but without someone to fall back on.. he'd been torn apart. Just seeing the Uchiha like this, it patched him up. And unfortunatly, destroyed him at the same time. ''You'll never deserve anything I give you.''
Something rabid bubbled in his stomach. Anger and nervousness and hurt were fermenting violently inside of him. He felt Sasuke's fingers twine with his and he slowly, slowly averted his eyes. Naruto didn't understand, which was insanely obvious. He never seemed to understand anything, did he?
Naruto huffed, his cheeks blowing out stubbornly as he cursed. He could feel Sasuke shaking again, and that scared him. Like it or not, the well being of his traitorous friend was important to him. He conjured up as many reasons as he could for the trembling, most of which made him cringe.
Tan fingers reciprocated the grip, digging into the ground beneath Sasuke's hand as he looked back at him. Bitterness would be the proper response to anything right now, but he blocked it out.
Blue eyes slipped down to the other's lips when they parted, unable to keep from pursing his own in anticipation. Whatever was coming next could very well end one of their lives. And only Sasuke held the key to this floodgate. He waited, and waited. But as the sun beat downward and they fell into another agonizing silence, he began to figure out that he wouldn't say anything. And because of this, he growled yet again.
What's wrong with me? He felt like an animal. And somewhere deep inside, he liked it. To be honest, he hadn't felt like this in some time.. not sincecc
''At least we're being honest now.'' he gripped, head dipping closer to the Uchihas.
''I get that I meant so little to you, and..'' he stopped. Air caught in his throat, refusing to let him complete that segment. Sasuke didn't need to know. He was a ruthless killer, Naruto remembered. He prided himself in being such. Why would he ever care for some ex-teammate?
He was getting nowhere with this anger. He pretended to be strong, to be ready to hurt him. The fox was getting excited, a devilish grin encompassing it's features that he could feel in the depths of his heart. Or what was left of it, that is. Naruto's eyes leveled against slate black, a million words perched upon his lips. He didn't want to be affected by those eyes anymore, or by Sasuke in general.
But the thought of forgetting him left him filled with such horror, a churning bile that made his mouth taste like ash. And had he not been so accustomed to staring at that empty gaze, he might have missed the significance that followed. He may have missed the pain, that coarsed through those irises.
It was like an unraveling of sorts, a secret window he'd never seen through before. And Naruto's captivated by it, ignoring the whispers of it being a trick. That it was just a means of getting the better of him. Again.
''Have you ever cared about anyone other than yourself?'' His voice broke, hitching at the very end. He didn't know why he asked, but he did. Maybe for peace at mind. Maybe to stall a little longer. He knew he could be overpowered any minute, and shifted anxiously as he tried to keep control.
Sasuke was a formiddable figure. Compared to how young they were when they last saw each other, Naruto quickly noticed from their range how much older he looked. How his face held no child-like roundness, or how his hair was much longer. Darker, too. If he remembered right.
How it became such a way frightened him, but he stopped himself before the question came outright. He was already getting a high tally of stupid questions in today. Could he really afford to ask about hair? He felt Sasuke's fingers tighten, and reciprocated the feeling. He knew Sasuke must pity him. Naruto was the poor idiot who couldn't get over a childhood friend. But he didn't care. If anything, it made Sasuke more important to him.
Call it his own path of destruction.
''I don't know!'' he barked. The start of Sasuke's speech had sparked something in him. What was he waiting for? What was he holding onto? God. If only he knew.
''You don't think I want to?'' Naruto asked. He slumped a bit, grip tightening on those fingers. If Sasuke needed a hand to hold, well, so did he.
''I've been trying to for years.'' To find him. To catch him. To hurt him. To bring him back. He wanted to do all these things. He wanted to make everything right. If you mess something up, it's up to you to fix it. That's what Jeriya had said. And naturally, he took all the blame for not saving Sasuke. He made a face, trying not to let his emotions come slithering back. Fire had built inside of him, and was ready to explode. Why weren't they fighting yet? Oh yeah, Naruto was an idiot.
''I wish I'd never met you!''
He didn't mean to. He didn't mean it. He's sorry, Sasuke. He's so sorry. The blond remains quiet as he watches the silence encompass them. As time drifts forward, and suddenly.. Sasuke looks broken. It's hard, knowing his best friend is crying. There's so much he wants to do in that moment, that he opts to do the least likely.
He rolls over.
Landing on his back, Naruto coughs from the bland sting coming from the cuts on his chest. His left hand is still locked with Sasuke's; something he hasn't bothered to disconnect from the move. Surrounded by empty space, he thinks to himself, can it be? Could he really have been wrong about Sasuke all these years? Even this idea rubs him the wrong way. The blond frowns, tilting his head to look at the raven. He's always wanted to know what he kept hidden.
Well, here it is. It makes Naruto feel like scum, knowing that he should have picked up all this without waiting for Sasuke to finally crack; especially with that damn voice chanting at him. Take advantage of the situation, it repeats. Abuse him like he's abused everyone else.
''I can't.'' he admits. It's a slow - winded drawl, and Naruto clenches his eyes shut to breathe deep.
He never realized it until now, but he's finally got what he wanted. A chance to be with Sasuke. The boy who plagued his dreams. He'd threatened to throw away everything for years for him... and look. Sasuke hated him. The fact alone had him trembling, ready to break down. The word was stuck in his head, cursing him with it's presence. And when you haven't slept much for days, everything can seem a lot more drastic.
''I can't hate you, okay?'' His anger is deflating. He untangled his fingers, using the palm to cover his eyes. ''I wish I could. But I can't.'' He's not picky about how this ends. How anything ends. All he wants is for Sasuke to stay. But that'll never happen. And he can't keeping wanting like this.
''I'm sorry,'' He reaches out his hand to try and touch Sasuke, to help him through this, but stops halfway there. He hates you, remember? Naruto retracts the limb, coiling in on himself.
''This has to finish. People are going to come looking for me. And... and you'll be...''
Killed? No. Not likely. Sasuke was strong. Stronger than him. Than anyone. He wants to help though. As much as it hurts, Naruto can't let go. He'll save Sasuke by any means necessary, even if it means hurting his own people.
So, for the first time, Naruto rises upward alone, his back straight and heart heavy. Intent on letting Sasuke make his own decission. He's not going to bargain anymore. He's not going to beg.
''Do what you came to do, Sasuke.'' He turned around, looking at him curiously. This makes him act normal. Being within reaching distance of the other, knowing he's still real. Not just a genjutsu or sick joke.
''I can't let you leave me again.''
R&R
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