Fuuuuu okay. I'M SO SORRY FOR THE SLOW UPDATE, KAY? I HATE MYSELF.

I typed this chapter for Joey who unknowingly read my story and was like 'WAIT WHO WROTE THIS OMG WHOAAA' and IM'd me about it nearly giving me a freaking heart attack. Don't read my stuff without telling me, woman. ;c And she's been bothering me about this for MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS, so you can't blame her this time.

This chapter is kind of really, really long to make up for my unexcused absence.

Seriously, if all of you wonderful people are still following this, you're awesome.

On that note, thank you SO MUCH for all the reviews, favorites, and alerts! You're all AMAZING! I don't deserve your affections. Really. *SHAME*

By the way, Tristana, you're full of win. I have no idea if I responded to your reviews, but holy shit, I love you. And if you're still reading this after like 3 or 4 months (no idea) of no updates, I love you even more.

Note: The entire chapter is in PRUSSIA'S PoV! Please tell me how I did with it. c: (And I think I'm going to be saying 'awesome' for the rest of my life...)

I'll Be the Princess, You can be Target Practice

Chapter 4: My Awesomeness Knows No Bounds

The Awesome Me Diaries:

Sup diary

You remember that cute blonde boy, right? OF COURSE YOU DO, I've only been talking about him for the past FIVE ENTRIES!

Right, so, my plan to woo him isn't working out so well. I planned to get him to like me enough to somehow coax him to come back to the palace with me but... well... he doesn't seem to... want my awesomeness.

I KNOW! Can you BELIEVE that? Maybe I like him because of the challenge he's posing, because man, I AM ONE SEXY PIECE OF ASS, LET ME TELL YOU. I MEAN, YOU'D HAVE TO LACK HORMONES IF YOU WEREN'T ATTRACTED TO MY FINE BODY.

ANYWAY, this sexyfine man has to make his way down to the kitchen, where my awesome future wife is making my breakfast.

Mmm, wifey...

Vash Beilshcmidt. Sounds awesome, AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?

Oh who am I kidding, I'M ALWAYS RIGHT.

Alright so when I get down to the kitchen, this is what I'll do:

A: Sneak up behind the cooking Vashilicious man.

B: Hug Vashilicious from behind.

C: Invade his vital regions.

D: Whisper awesome things about my 5 meters into his ear.

E: Pick his blushing virgin self up and WHISK HIM AWAY TO THE NEAREST BEDROOM.

FUCKING FLAWLESS.

I'll return again diary, since I know you're DYING to know how this turns out.

With love,

Your Awesome King of Awesomely Awesome Awesomeness,
Prussia

I sighed airily and shut my Awesome Me Diary, stowing the miniature notebook into my key hiding place: my shoe.

If things worked out as planned today, things would be beyond awesome. Like... SUPER awesome! Or even moderately close to MY level of awesome!

I made my way toward the door, smirking happily as I went.

Yep, today was going to be Vashtastic.

See what I did there?

KESESESESE I crack myself up.

I wandered aimlessly down the many halls of the house. The reason I call this a house, and not a castle (because I'm not gonna lie, from all the hallways I've seen this place is HUGE) is because nothing I've seen so far carries the extravagance like the things at my palace do- nothing showy or anything.

Yeah, shocked? I USED A BIG WORD.

BASK IN THE GLORY OF MY AWESOME VOCABULARY. BASK IN IT.

Though you should know, despite my outward appearance of an ill-mannered, arrogant prat- I am pretty well-versed and literate which comes from my training as King back when Germania wa-

OH MY GOD SHINY THING!

… Aww false alarm.

Damn reflections of sunlight off windows.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm on the second floor. Judging from the fact that when I look out a window I only see the branches of trees. Yeah, and I haven't come across a stair case yet. Or the kitchen. Or any other person for that matter.

You'd think a house of this size would need a few maids and butlers to clean, but this place is pretty tidy- so despite not having seen one person since venturing from the room, I'm assuming they're all at breakfast.

Or lunch. I have no idea what time it is.

My stomach growled, signifying that I am very un-awesomely hungry, and still I caught no whiff of food nor the sound of the clattering of utensils or plates.

If I was any other person, I'd feel disheartened by the huge house and my growing need of food.

BUT I AM KING PRUSSIA. I DO NOT GIVE INTO TO THE FEEBLE WHINES OF THAT CUMBERSOME THING CALLED 'HUNGER,' I DO NOT GIVE UP WHEN I KNOW I AM MERE SECONDS AWAY FROM DISCOVERING THAT DELECTABLE BLONDE VIRGIN COOKING IN A PINK APRON IN THE KITCHEN. NAY. I PERSEVERE. AND I WILL FIND THAT KITCH-

OH!

I smell WAFFLES.

MY JAILBAIT SENSES ARE TINGLING.

I paused mid-stride, spun on my heel, and headed toward the delicious aroma of waffles- which appeared to be wafting tauntingly from the doorway at the end of the corridor.

And what's that I hear?

D'aww, my Vashy-poo is humming! He better have an apron on, too.

A smile and a kiss on the cheek would also be nice.

...

Nothing is impossible for me. Don't look at me like that.

I paused outside the door- and recited my plans from this morning in my head.

Okay so-

-Slam the door open to get attention.

-Delight in the sight of Vash in an apron.

-Seize vital regions. Subtly.

-GETTING IT ON ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.

Alright it might not have went exactly like that but this plan was better anyway.

Step 1- COMMENCE!

I took a deep breath, plastered a huge smile on my face- anticipating an apron-clad and blushing blonde when I burst through the door- and finally, kicked the door open with so much force that it slammed against the opposite wall, rebounded, and smacked me right in the face.

I, of course, have awesome reflexes. However, these reflexes are trained to stop HUMAN movement, not insane bouncing doors from Hell. I swear, if that was a human, I would have been fine.

And I wouldn't have landed painfully on my back in the corridor.

The next things to occur were kind of a blur- partly because I had slammed my head into the floor and now I was having trouble seeing and partly because my nose was bleeding ALL OVER THE PLACE like it was a freaking geyser gushing water. The metallic taste in my mouth went ignored for the time being.

I DO know that I heard very high-pitched shrieking, the breaking of glass, and someone running around the kitchen frantically. When my vision finally swam back into view, I saw an ANGEL.

Or it was Vash.

Possibly both.

Vash was busying himself with cleaning up the blood on my face with a dish rag, emitting high squeals of 'are you okay?'s and 'does this hurt?'s occasionally.

Of course, none of this mattered.

Because obviously this Vash was not Vash. I mean, he looks like Vash but the voice is too high and the personality is WAY off. This Vash looked like a frightened baby kitten.

The REAL Vash looks like a SEXY baby kitten. A very tsundere, gun-crazed, sexy baby kitten. And that's what makes him so ADORABLY UNRESISTABLE and awesome. Just not my level of awesome.

After I realized that I'd been quiet for awhile (distracted by images of Vash as a half-cat) I spoke up again- voicing the only thing that really mattered to me right then- more than the blood spouting from my nose and the possibility of re-opened gun wounds in my chest.

"Who are you and where is Vash?"

I hadn't MEANT to startle the poor boy- REALLY. But not-Vash jumped like TWENTY FEET IN THE AIR and backed up so far that I couldn't see him without raising my head from the ground- which hurt like Hell, so of course I wouldn't do that. I'M NOT MASOCHISTIC, JUST AWESOME.

After a few moments of silence, I felt around the floor blindly for a few moments, took up the abandoned and already extremely bloody rag and dabbed at my own nose with it. If that not-Vash person didn't want to answer, that was fine by me. It would just give me a reason to track Vash down later and pry information out of him and seize his vital regions simultaneously.

"You're Gilbert, right?" Came a timid voice from across the room. "King Gilbert?"

I silently cursed.

Now I needed a new reason to stalk Vash if this annoying wannabe was going to talk.

"Yes," I answered gruffly. "And that's 'Your Awesomeness' to you."

It was silent for a few more seconds before not-Vash spoke again.

"I-I'm Liechtenstein. Princess Liectenstein. Switzerland is my big brother," stated the blonde hesitantly.

Wait.

WAIT.

WAAAAIT.

I shot up into a sitting position, I mean, not the smartest thing to do but hey, OH MY GOD MOMENT RIGHT NOW.

As expected, my head throbbed insanely, and when I opened my mouth to speak all that came out was a groan.

There was a squeak from across the room, and as I had closed my eyes in pain, I ALMOST jumped when I felt tiny hands press the abandoned rag back to my still bloody nose.

Note the ALMOST. I don't get frightened. I'm too awesome for fear.

Wait there was a point to me sitting up...

OH SHIT. RIGHT.

"YOU!" I suddenly bellowed, causing the so-called 'Liectenstein' to squeal and fall backwards onto her back in surprise- I didn't really care, though. MY BRAIN HURTS TOO MUCH TO CARE. "YOU'RE THE PRINCESS. HOLY SHIT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HOLY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK- oh, sorry."

WHAT? It's not my fault this princess is sheltered (she winced after every curse). I shook my head to rid it of any thoughts of petty SYMPATHY, and continued my rant like I hadn't even stopped.

"So I came here, nearly got KILLED by your brother, thinking he was the princess, FELL IN LOVE WITH THE GODDAMN KID JUST TO FIND OUT THAT HE HAS A SISTER THAT'S THE REAL PRINCESS. JESUS I CAN'T MARRY A PRINCE! If he was a prince pretending to be a princess then SURE I could but my brother does NOT handle gay relationships too well HOW THE HELL COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT? GAH I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. IF HE GETS WIND THAT I'VE BEEN STUCK IN HERE HE'LL SURELY SEND GUARDS AND FUCK HE'LL FIND OUT VASH'S TRUE IDENTITY AND WE'LL NEVER GET MARRIED AND HAVE 37 CHILDREN AND GOD DAMMIT. How the HELL could I have forgotten the strict 'no gay marriage' policy in my kingdom. OH WHO THE HELL CARES IT'S MY KINGDOM I'M CHANGING IT NO MATTER WHAT WEST SAYS, IN FACT, WHEN I SEE HIM AGAIN I SWEAR I'LL... I'll..." I paused suddenly, taking a deep breath with fist still raised and clenched in angry emphasis. I stared at it for a moment before frowning.

I blinked rapidly then, eyes widening in surprise. ...Had I been talking to myself that entire time?

Slowly, I glanced down at the princess.

Then I felt kinda bad- staring at her quivering form staring up at me with those wide, teary, emerald eyes.

Ah... If only Vash would wear such an expression...

I sighed and scratched the back of my head, unclenching my other fist and letting it fall to my side. Wishful thinking aside, this was Vash's sister and he would never agree to marriage if I didn't gain her approval first. Well, first impressions stick... but I guess it's not TOO late. It's NEVER too late when GILBERT IS ON THE JOB.

"Listen," I started, sounding more awkward than I felt, "I like your brother, okay? I came here to court you, and fell in love with him. Go figure." I shrugged uncomfortably, before locking eyes with her.

She stared at me, confused for a few seconds, before she brought her arm up and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her dress. Then she did the thing I least expected.

She smiled at me.

"Call me Lili," she said, still quiet, but considerably happier.

I couldn't help it, I smiled back. Twice as brightly.

This is going to be legit. I have his sister's consent, now we just have to set a date for our WEDDING OF AWESOME!

"So- you like my brother, huh?" She said cheerily, propping herself up on her elbows so she wouldn't have to crane her neck to talk to me.

I nodded, still smiling blindingly.

"You're the firs- er, well.." she looked awkward for a few moments, staring at the floor and wringing her hands like she had said something wrong. "Uh... Anyway... Do you need any help courting him? He can be a bit difficult and stubborn, but I can tell he has a bit of a crush on you. Or at least he cares for you... somewhat..."

I frowned.

I mean, as much as I love hearing from a third party how Vash-chan is madly in love with me- I couldn't get past the fact that she had cut off her sentence. And then abruptly changed the subject. It was all very suspicious.

AS DENSE AS PEOPLE MAY THINK I AM, I CAN READ THE ATMOSPHERE PRETTY WELL. It comes with being the Boss.

Actually, no.

Spain is the boss, I'M THE KING.

KING OF AWESOME THAT IS.

KESESESESESE.

Okay wow what was I doing?

OHYEAH. GIRL. SUSPICIOUS. RIGHT.

"I MAY BE DENSE BUT I'M NOT STUPID! Just incredibly awesome. SO WHY DID YOU-"

"LILI!" came a booming voice, accompanied by thundering footsteps.

OH THAT'S MY LOVELY VASH-CHAN~~~ IN A FIT OF TSUNDERE RAGE, JUST HOW I LIKE HIM~

Wait.

I eyed his sister for a few seconds, pondering as the footsteps grew louder.

Hm...

Vash is protective of his sister. Sister influences Vash. Sister likes me liking Vash.

JACKPOT. THE SISTER IS THE EASIEST ROUTE INTO VASH'S PANTS.

AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO GAIN THE APPROVAL OF ANY SISTER THEN TO ACT THE GENTLEMAN.

So, taking on the role of the stodgy prince that my brother was, I stood up, bowed slightly to the blinking girl in front of me, and offered my hand, closing my eyes and inclining my head.

"M'lad-"

My eyes shot open as the color drained from my face.

Whoa... I feel whooozyyy...

The world is... spinning...

Reminds me of the Christmas party last year after about fifty-seven beers... heheh... that was a good night...

I vaguely registered a high-pitched squeal as I fell face-forward, back toward the ground.

And for a few seconds, I was out of it.

I know a lot of people think I don't have a brain, but this lightheadedness is just RIDICULOUS.

Oh, blood loss, right.

I came to when I heard the loud sound of splintering wood as the abused door made contact with the wall even MORE harshly than it had before.

I blinked a few times, only vividly aware of my surroundings, and pushed myself up on my hands and knees. Then I shook my head gruffly, trying to get the blood circulation to my brain to go faster.

It was then that I noticed the room had gone eerily quiet.

You know, one of those cheesy moments in a horror or adventure film where the explorers or the unfortunate souls say, "it's quiet...

TOO quiet..."

That kind of quiet. Where you KNOW something is coming, but you don't quite know what it is.

So finally, I decided to take in my surroundings.

The first thing I noticed were the wide, green eyes staring up from beneath me. The second thing was the murderous intent I felt behind me.

Then it hit me harder than one of that yaoi-crazed bitch's frying pans.

SHIT.

VASH.

Cautiously, I glanced over my shoulder- hoping, wishing, PRAYING that the person behind me was ANYONE BUT...

"Vash," I breathed out, "it's not what it looks like. The awesome me was just trying to help this lovely young lady u-"

"You have five seconds to run," Vash replied, shadows covering his eyes as he aimed his machine gun directly at the Prussian King.

"But, it's all a-"

"Five."

"Misunderstanding! I swear I was just-"

"Four."

"Trying to help her is all!"

"Three."

"VASH-CHAN~" I whined pathetically (wait.. me? PATHETIC? What is this nonsense!)

I flinched as a I saw a vein in his forehead pop up. (Oh, right, he's insane. I'm justified in my fear.)

"ONE."

"BIG BROTHER, WAIT!" yelped the girl beneath me.

Oh shit. Beneath me. Right.

I scrambled away from the girl and stood up, holding my hands in front of me in defeat.

Luckily, Vash had paused in his possibly homicidal assault, though his finger was resting a bit TOO comfortably on the trigger... so the danger wasn't COMPLETELY absent.

...Ladies and gentleman- I introduce to you one of the FEW PEOPLE who can scare me SHITLESS.

I saw the princess stand on her own- I would have offered her a hand up myself but Vash does not want me anywhere NEAR her, evidently. So I would just stay put for now and wait for them to talk this out.

"Big brother, really! He only tripped when he was trying to help me up!" explained Liechtenstein frantically, shifting her gaze from one person to the next worriedly.

"Why were you on the ground in the first place?" queried Switzerland monotonously, shadows still covering his eyes.

"A-ah! W-well..."

While they were exchanging petty words (I could care less, even though I'm pretty sure this could decide whether I lived or not, I was quite confident in my seduction skills, if necessary) I examined the pair. One- shorter, blushing, frantic, flustered, and above all- a girl. The other- holding a gun, looking downright frightening, and was also resonating the most murderous aura I had EVER been on the receiving end of (ignoring that Satan-woman Hungary).

And I already knew that I liked the latter better.

I mean, someone as awesome as myself is hardly ever indecisive, and from the moment I found out not-Vash was, well, not-Vash, I knew that I didn't just like that trigger happy fanatic for his looks.

No, the awesome me had fallen for someone- not just because of looks, but personality, as well.

The awesome me had fallen in love with that psychotic Swiss named Vash.

Ahh, Vash, how I wish I could just tie you to a bed post right now and show you my five meters.

I frowned slightly as their arguing continued, Vash's anger beginning to dissipate, thankfully.

Come to think of it, why was he angry in the first place?

I scratched my chin in thought.

So, he came in to me on top of Lili... Got extremely mad... Threatened to kill me...

My face brightened in AWESOME realization.

...OH MY.

COULD IT BE...?

COULD HE HAVE BEEN...

JEALOUS?

But of COURSE. I AM the sexiest piece of ass to ever walk this EARTH. Of COURSE one would be jealous of my pinning of another! A little voice resonated in the back of my head, sounding oddly like West, saying irately, "you're way off!"

Needless to say, I ignored this voice.

How did I not see it before! Vash is as much in love with me as I am! Only with him!

("You're still way off.")

Then I tuned back into real life, eager to plan my next awesome move to win Vash's heart even more. And get him into my pants.

"...but, Lili, he was sexually harassing you... I can't just let him off..." said a dejected-looking Switzerland, his gun lowered and his eyes looking like they should belong to a kicked puppy.

I would have sympathized with the look, had he not been giving it for completely wrong reasons. Such as being denied the chance to commit a homicide.

..But it was still extremely cute...

"Big brother, he's injured," Lili trudged on, ignoring (or at least trying, I obviously couldn't) the kicked puppy look. "If you injure him anymore, he'll just have to stay longer."

Switzerland groaned and dragged a hand down his face in irritation.

"Fine, HAVE IT YOUR WAY. But if he so much as TOUCHES you again, he is out of here. And I'll give him a five second head-start."

Liechtenstein sighed and nodded begrudgingly.

So he doesn't want me touching her, ay? Wants me all to himself, ay?

A devious plan hatched itself into my quick-thinking mind, as I outwardly smirked in satisfaction- deciding to act on this awesome train of thought immediately!

Well Vash, let's see how your jealousy-prone self reacts to-

-THIS!

I groped the girl's chest (wishing it was Vash) from behind, causing the other to squeal loudly and flail a bit.

"KESESESESE, VASH-CHAN. I KNOW YOUR WEAKNESS. YOU'RE JEALOUS, AREN'T YOU? JUST ADMIT IT, AND I'LL GROPE YOU JUST THE SAME," I said confidently, letting the poor girl go.

Maybe I could have thought of a better plan, I DID feel kind of bad for it. But it was necessary to get Vash to confess his DEEP, IRREVOCABLE, love for me.

What can I say? Sacrifices always must be made on the road to TRUE AWESOMENESS. Er, love, I meant love.

I nodded to myself before looking at Vash.

Then I flinched visibly.

"GET. THE. FUCK. OOOOOOOOUT." He screamed loudly, going completely Rambo and the sound of Lili's screaming was drowned out by the splintering of wood, the shattering of glass and china, and the battle cries of Switzerland.

I ran out of the chaos, relatively unharmed. And I just could not understand one thing.

WHY?

MY PLAN HAD BEEN ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS, RIGHT? RIGHT?

I mean he WAS jealous the first time, RIGHT? Then I was perfectly justified in assuming he would admit his jealousy the second time after I groped his sister right in front of him! That's the PERFECT way to get someone to confess... RIGHT?

("Dead wrong, yet again.")

OH, YOU SHUT UP, WEST.

The door behind me was kicked open roughly, and I once again heard the crazy (yet adorable, I think I AM masochistic) shouts of 'I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU SUNUVABITCH' and 'GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT,' accompanied, of course, by a haze of gunfire.

And as I took off running for my dear God-given life, I looked over my shoulder fondly at the rampaging blonde boy.

Ahh, these were the days we'd reminisce about with our children later in life. I couldn't wait. Gilbert and Vash Jr. Had a ring to it, right?

("Will you ever be right?")

I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP, WEST.

I had miraculously escaped outside of the property, being the awesome person I tend to be, I made it out with barely a bruise on me. Scratches, however... Well, let's just say the boy's aim isn't that bad and leave it at that. Even my awesome self can't handle my awesome future wife's self sometimes. Well, I'm not complaining. My wife DOES need to be on a level of awesomeness that I can respect, it is REQUIRED of my future spouse.

Anyway, when I had finally passed the open gates leading out of the estate, an odd sight greeted me.

My men. Toasting wurst over a dying fire. Covered in wounds.

I frowned.

"What are you guys doing?" I questioned in the only way I knew how- loudly and awesomely. I strode up to them with the airs of a true King, though I was only wearing a loose white dress shirt (which Vashy-poo had kindly washed for me) and some black pants.

If anyone else had even TRIED saying what I just said with such royal arrogance in MY outfit, they would have been laughed at until they cried.

As it stands, no matter what I look like on the outside, I will always be awesome on the inside.

So, really, it wasn't much of a surprise when all the men started, saw my face, dropped their sticks and spokes and came immediately to my side to kneel and bow their heads in respect.

Damn straight, you best recognize.

Word.

"Your Awesomeness!" Exclaimed one of the kneeling soldiers, sporting a particularly nasty injury on his left arm- even with all the bandages, the blood was still being soaked up like water with a sponge. It made my awesome self cringe a little, reminding me bitterly ONCE MORE that my new-soon-to-be wife was a TERRIBLE force to behold. "You're alright?"

I nodded in affirmation, "just a few minor scratches across the chest, nothing the awesome me can't handle."

A lot of the soldiers looked up to my awesomely toned chest in concern, but looked relieved anyway, not wanting to be held accountable by Tino after carrying their King's corpse back.

"So, I'm taking it the courting didn't go well?" One inquired curiously.

Didn't go well? Pff... WHO DID THEY THINK THEY WERE TALKING TO?

..Though I admit it didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped, it didn't go HORRIBLE. I mean, that Vash must have a semblance of caring for me, why else would he so awesomely nurse me back to health?

And no it's NOT because he was the one to injure me. Shut up. He did it out of TRUE, PASSIONATE, UNYIELDING LOVE. Oh and of course, to preserve the awesome that is me. He could sense it, I bet.

Oh shit, right, these guys asked me something.

Hm... Since it should be obvious that I wasn't... that successful... I can't really tell them that I was unsuccessful though... that would be unkingly...

Think, Prussia, think...

WWJDD.

WHAT WOULD JOHN DORIAN DO?

Oh, right!

"Well, as they say," I started jauntily, scratching and lifting my chin, flashing them all my infamous smirk, "Germans make the WURST lovers!"

MAKE A POORLY SCRIPTED JOKE! Damn I love Scrubs.

The audience responded with coughs and blank stares, I assumed they hadn't understood, I mean, I'm really funny- so there couldn't be any other reason for them to not be laughing.

I stopped smirking and frowned.

The lack of laughter did take a blow to my confidence, so I felt the need to clarify.

Rolling my eyes and putting my hands on my hips, I stated matter-of-factly, "it was a joke!"

What followed was a chorus of shaky laughter.

Satisfied, I let the smirk slip back to it's rightful place on my awesome face (HAHA that rhymed! God I'm awesome) and sat down in front of them all.

Examining them again under my observant eyes, I decided that it would be useless to ask them what had happened- since it was so obvious (at least to the awesome me) that hey had charged in like idiots and got their asses handed to them on a silver platter by a gun-wielding blonde.

Nope, that didn't sound familiar at all.

"So... Your Awesomeness," started a shy-looking young man, "was the Princess beautiful?"

My smirk widened, and I opened my mouth to respond when I was unexpectedly cut off by another soldier who OBVIOUSLY didn't know his place.

"Of course!" shouted one middle-aged man very enthusiastically. "She would have to be, considering her bodyguard was such a looker!"

There was a murmur of agreement as my brow once again creased. Bodyguard?

...Wait... were they talking about...?

Oh HELL no.

"Yeah, when the King gets the Princess- I call dibs on that babe!"

"No fair! You can't call dibs! I saw her first!"

"How did you see her first? You weren't even in the front line!"

My eye began to twitch in anger. How... dare they even THINK of laying a befouled hand on MY future wife! How dare they talk about her... er... him in such a callous manner! But most of all...

"HOW DARE YOU ALL TALK ABOUT MY AWESOME FUTURE WIFE AS IF I WEREN'T EVEN HERE! KNOW YOUR PLACES, SOLDIERS!" I bellowed at them, noticing quite a few of them jump and grow white with fear.

Damn straight they better be scared, it was serious business when I got mad. Truly mad. Usually the awesome me is pretty merciful and forgiving, I'm just that kind of guy, ya know?

...But mess with what rightfully belongs to me, and I will rightfully beat you senseless.

It had gone silent as you may have guessed, but I could care less if I had scared them all shitless or not- I mean, I don't need to know it to justify my awesomeness- it is, after all, quite well known.

As a matter of fact, I think Vash has been without my awesome for far too long! Something must be done!

Alright, it's time for Plan A... Kesesese... Prepare yourself, Vash, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE DAZZLED BY MY AWESOME.

"MEN!" I yelled, standing abruptly and causing them to scurry away from me in a sort of odd crabwalk. I rolled my eyes at them, and waved a hand to beckon them closer- they all did so reluctantly. Ignoring their failure as knights, I continued. "Okay, so I have a Plan. Let's call it... Plan A. Like apple." I nodded at my clarification, man I was a saint for considering the tiny brains of my followers. "Anyway, here's the plan. We all charge in at once, I mean, there's too many of us for him to shoot all at once, right? It's FLAWLESS!"

Many winced at the thought of how magnificent my plan was. Damn, I know I'm good at military strategy but to have someone recoil in absolute adoration of one of my plans is truly an honor.

("I think you're delusional.")

West, now isn't the time.

"You there!" I stated authoritatively, pointing at some random guy in the crowd. He pointed to himself incredulously, and turned white when I nodded cheerily in confirmation. "You will-"

Before I could finish my sentence he shook his head and said, "you're insane! I formally resign from the Teutonic Knights, I'm not going to die for a batshit King!"

Then he scrambled quickly away from the group, most likely disoriented by his random, completely unjustified outburst at me (I mean, ME? CRAZY? REALLY?) for he headed straight back into the gates of the estate, where he turned right and walked about two steps before a giant explosion erupted.

I frowned and scratched my chin in thought as the shrieks of panic and terror started around me.

Land mines, huh?

Touche, Vash, touche.

Well, there goes Plan A.

"Okay, this Plan will work for SURE!"

Plan Q is flawless!

I was set up on my valiant white pony, recently re-dressing as a proper king, crimson cape, golden shoulder-pads, sword and shield and all. And of course, my cock-sure grin.

Can't get anywhere without that.

Right, so Plan Q entailed my charging in with the men around me, securing the kitchen, and knocking Vash out to take back to my castle.

This was going to work.

Now, for a pep talk.

I ran up and down the first line of soldiers, who were shaking and holding their swords out in front of them as I had intstructed.

"Forth!" I yelled confidently as I reached the end of the line. I spun my pony around expertly and began trotting to the other end, hitting my sword with each of theirs as I passed. "Down fear of darkness! Arise! Arise, Riders of Prussia! Swords shall be shaken, shields shall be spli-! OH shit!" I stopped abruptly in the line, pulling out the sword that was embedded in the wrist of one of the soldiers. I turned forward again, shaking my head and waving a hand dismissively. "It's not my fault you were holding your sword out too far! Be more careful next time! ..And would you stop crying? Put some wurst on it, it'll be fiiine. Right. So where was I."

"...I think you were up to "shields," Your Awesomness," answered a different soldier shakily.

"RIGHT! Thank you, my good man!" I continued down the line, still bringing sword to meet sword like the epic King I am. "Shields shall be splintered! A sword day... a red day... and the sun rises!"

"B-but, Your Awesomeness," stuttered the shy young man from earlier. "It's almost sunset..."

My smile wavered.

How dare he speak out of turn!

"Speak against me again, soldier, and I'll make sure the sun never rises for you again. SO AS I WAS SAYING ...Ride now... Ride now... Ride! Ride for ruin and the world's ending"

"Uh, Your Awesomness, we don't have horses... and what about the world en-?"

"OH FOR GOD'S SAKES," I sighed in frustration, rubbing my temples after re-sheathing my sword. The cool, black leather against my skin did wonders for my irritation. "Just let me finish my speech, men. Then we charge in and everything goes as planned. Got it? GOT IT. Right. So." I pulled my pony to stand directly in front of the gates, staring out at the estate of my love. The eagerness and excitement for what was to come next burned anew, and a smirk painted my face. "I don't care how many of you die along the way, just remember, that this is for your KING. THIS IS FOR LOVE. FOR GLORY. FOR GILNEAS. FOR AWESOOOOOOOOME!"

And with a surreal, unearthly battle cry, I charged forward on my white steed, readying myself for what could be the toughest battle of my life.

And this would be the battle that decides whether this war of Love ended right now, or continued until I conquered.

This was a battle that decided it all.

Heart pounding in my ears as the explosions of land mines chorused around me, my smirk grew feral.

Like I said earlier, I've always loved a challenge.

"We've secured the kitchen, Your Awesomeness!" shouted someone through the dust and debris triumphantly.

"Good work, men!" I called back, smiling.

Yes, this had been quite the victory. Vash had met us in battle at the door, using tranquilizers on half of my men, but we'd outnumbered and over-powered him, forcing him back to the kitchen, where another fierce battle took place.

We'd again, overpowered him here, despite his ingenious plan for a decoy (he'd put a few sacks of flour on a chair and placed a blonde wig on top) and managed to successfully (and I admit, AWESOMELY) execute a surprise attack on us. Three quarters, if not more, of my men were down. About seven still remained, three with tranquilizers in some part of their body.

Yes, it would be a rough last push, but we could make it.

Now, though, we needed a good plan.

The adrenaline was still pumping heavily through my veins, and my eyes traveled swiftly from the sacks of destroyed flour, to the very powdery wig, to my four remaining men (the three others had just passed out) and a plan slowly began formulating.

I scrutinized them all one at a time, trying to choose the best one for my plan, before pointing to the tallest and most muscly of the bunch and stating, "YOU!"

"Me?" He asked happily, gesturing to himself.

I nodded in confirmation.

He smiled back at me like I had just told him Christmas was coming early.

I frowned.

Wait... Last time this happened I had someone blown up by a land mine...

Come to think of it, the men had a drastic mood change when we started the battle... It was almost like they were having fun...

But this is a battlefield, why would they be having fun?

NO MATTER, as long as my subjects are happy, so am I!

Now it's time to put my awesome plan to action!

The five of us have made quiet progress through the house, also securing the library near the kitchen. I had my men scout out Vash from there, one came back with a grin on his face and informed us that Vash had set up a barricade at the last door in this hall.

The same scout volunteered to be the decoy, and it was now time to strike.

Plan: Capture my Awesome Waifu!

ALOON:

I TRIED BEING SERIOUS AT THE END HAHA WHAT IS THIS.

Good. Lord. This is 15 pages.

I really, really, REALLY don't think this makes up for my not updating for like 7 MONTHS, but I will repent! Slowly, but surely!

Next chapter will be REALLY short. And I mean really, very short. It's told in Switzerland's PoV and it's going to be extremely short.

At least I'm updating again! ...MAYBE!

I really do appreciate all the favorites, alerts, and most of all, reviews. So I cannot apologize enough for making you all wait so long.

And if any of you caught my VERY obscure references this time, you're awesome.

Also, this was going to be longer (yes, longer) but I am so sick of this chapter that I ended it completely abruptly because I'm so full of fail like that. Worry not, though, the original ending for this chapter will appear soon enough (most likely chapter six).

Hope you enjoyed reading. C:

Oh, and I've found the official song for this story.

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART,

AND YOU'RE TO BLAME,

DARLING, YOU GIVE LOVE

A BAD NAME!

Yes, Bon Jovi. I will include it in another chapter.

QAPY:

Where the Hell was Rantzilla for 7 months?

How come none of the questions from last chapter were answered? (Lolol I SUCK)

What will Prussia's plan be?

Who will win this battle?

More importantly, who will win the war?

WHO DID RANTZILLA STEAL PRUSSIA'S SPEECH FROM? (If you get this, oh my God I love you!)

I am NOT making any promises with updates. Don't kill me.

And yes, again, I am apologizing. For apologizing so much.

*Sobs in corner*

And you all should consider yourselves lucky, Joey received the brunt of my mental breakdown over this. Seriously. Praise her for being able to deal with me.