Ok, this is the answering piece, Booth´s thoughts on everything that led them to the events of early S6.
As usual, I don´t own anything, though, like many, I wish I did. (Hart, give us hope, pleeease!) The official yada yada, it belongs to Fox, though I take the characters on loan for my own guilty pleasure…
The song is "Blind", by Lifehouse.
I´ve got to say, I had always loved this song, but it suddenly clicked how much it fits.
Anyway, I´ll let you be the judges of that ))
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried
He had always thought he knew what heartbreak truly was. His childhood had been filled with it, only to be replaced by what he had witnessed in war. But the truth was that he didn't know what heartbreak meant until he met her. He wasn't stupid. He certainly wasn't naïve. He had seen his more than fair share of horror, he had had his heart crushed, his hopes diminished. Every single beating, every single moment of loneliness, every man he had to let go because he had no choice. But not a single thing compared to what Temperance Brennan had done to him. Not one of his torturers had the ability to break, the way she had. Just the thought of her was enough to make his chest feel like he had aged a thousand years. He was just reaching his 40's and yet he felt older than his Pops.
That fateful night that seemed like it had been just yesterday was the single most painful moment of his life. When he dropped her at her apartment after their conversation, when she reached for the door handle and stared at him for long seconds, he used every single skill he had to mask the pain that was threatening to kill everything good about him. He gave her what he thought was a reassuring smile and left, driving aimlessly until the wee hours of the night.
He even had gone to the same Pool place where he kissed her first, where he sensed just how much she would change his life. He stayed in his SUV for long minutes until he decided no one was worth destroying himself. If there was something he had vowed to himself the day he held Parker in his arms and stared at his little face and his tiny fingers curling around his larger ones, was that he would never be his father, defeated by a vice. Parker had given him the strength to keep fighting when everything in him was dying, when he had nothing to fight for. But that night, sitting alone on his SUV, he had to face the most excruciatingly painful realization of his life: he had just traded an addiction for another which had turned out to be even more deadly and relentless in its intensity.
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you´ll ever know
When part of me died when I let you go
After 5 years of being partners, after 6 years from that first moment when they stared into each other´s eyes, he had thought, for one foolish, hopeful second, that he had proven himself to her, than ever single wall he had tried to break had given enough for him to be let in, to be allowed into the heart he had always known it was there. But 6 years later after that afternoon when he decided being blackmailed into being her partner and later on, her friend, and he bet on her, on them, he would have never thought there would be an ocean between them.
He wanted to hate Sweets, but at the end, he had no one to blame but himself. Something inside told him she still wasn´t ready to heart it, but the man in him had grown too desperate, the beast he had tried to cage had rattled the bars of its prison so strongly he was no longer able to deny it. He had sensed she wanted to give in, but in the end, her fear would always be greater than her ability to love, and to let herself be loved. By him.
His love for her had made him blind to every other woman. Even if Cam had entered the picture, he had always known it was a pitiful attempt at trying to erase her from his mind, but it only served to let him confirm what he already knew at heart: that she had stolen his heart, piece by piece, day by day, and he wasn't getting it back. He had only been lucky that Cam was first and foremost, his friend, and they had parted without a grudge, and the irony was that after everything, she had become one of the greatest supporters for his cause in pursuing his partner.
Every woman after Cam was just his sorry attempts to fill his lonely nights. He needed to know he could be loved, and he had found amazing women, but their only fault was that they weren´t Temperance Brennan. They could have the blue eyes, but not the right shade. They could have beautiful bodies, but they didn't have the hourglass figures he had longed to touch for so very long. He had found release, but the emptiness remained. He had satisfied his body, but he still hadn´t found what he was searching for. He thought it was ironic that he was deadly certain that the only woman he had ever desired with an ache so deep it had stolen his piece of mind and he hadn´t made love to would be the only one to quench his thirst.
I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
He remembered how he started to stop dreading going to sleep, because instead of nightmares, his dreams were filled with her. Only her. Her alabaster skin, like spun silk, her auburn curls that shone like honey, of her body that seemed like something Michelangelo would have sculpted, a work of art, but mostly, her eyes, those sparkling sapphires that showed every single emotion she tried to hide, eyes that let him know how she was feeling, what she was thinking without uttering a single word.
But since the moment he hopped on that plane that would take him to face, yet again, every single demon he thought he had left behind, , he started ordering his dreams not to keep her in, to forget about her. To forget that at some point, she had become his entire life.
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you´ll ever know
When part of me died when I let you go
Hannah was everything he would have wanted in a woman before he met her. She was funny, beautiful, had a way with people. She knew how to make him laugh, but mostly, she knew how to make him forget. The moment he realized he would be taking her back with him, he decided that for once, the truth was probably not the best course.
During those months, and from the moment Hannah had entered his life, he had mode one irrefutable choice: if his mission in life had been loving Temperance Brennan, now his main goal would be forgetting her. He knew a part of him would always love her. He had loved her for too long to forget about her. Meeting her had made him a better man, and for that he would always be thankful. She would never know that she had been his reason to stop gambling. She would never know that his meaningless one-night stands had stopped after he first realized how much he wanted her, how much he longed to make them… them.
When he held her hand at the airport, and he stared into those bottomless pools of blue, his heart was literally crushed. Every single fear he had for her safety came rushing to the surface, but mostly, knowing that despite what they had foolishly said to one another and all the assurances they had given each other, this year apart would inevitably change them.
She had said once that entropy was an inevitable force. But his lovesick heart had thought that any change would lead them to the life he had always dreamed for themselves, to a future where they could take their ridiculously amazing partnership to the next level, not to this endless ocean of heartbreak and disappointment.
He was thankful. Hannah had come at a moment when he needed someone badly. His wounds had just started closing when he had to go save a group of journalist that had been ambushed by a rebel group. Their first date had been nothing romantic. They had been sipping some beer under the scolding Afghan sun, surrounding by dirt, in the aftermath of a huge sandstorm. But that afternoon was the first time he had been able to laugh in more than half a year. And it felt good to know he was still alive, that even if a part of him had died when he let go of her hand, when all he got in response for his desperate kiss was a tearful rejection, staring into the green eyes of the beauty in front of him he knew that perhaps he wouldn't have his perfect dream, his perfect idea of love, but maybe, just maybe, he could come quite close. And maybe he deserved it.
After all this war
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
Their first encounter was sweet, and for a second, it felt like no time had passed. It was filled with the longing of two people who had meant everything to the other, with the familiarity of a life that had been only theirs until this moment. But the comforting feeling only lasted until they sat down on their usual bench, and it seemed like reality had found a way to remind them that indeed, a whole year had passed, and they had changed along with it. He saw how much she was transformed by their year apart. Still loving her job, her eyes sparkling with delight as she told him how fulfilling and life-altering the dig had been, not just for her, but for everyone who had assisted. But there were traces of sadness he hadn´t seen there before she left. Sure, there had always been this little lost girl look in her eyes, a haunted sadness that had always compelled him to protect her, to comfort her, to take her in his arms under the pretense of those "guy hugs" that were nothing partner-like. But now, there was something else he couldn´t decipher, and honestly, his battered heart didn´t even want to. He was just starting to mend, and this was the ultimate test to know if he had finally found the will and the strength to move on.
They had only exchanged an email, but when he said he might have a surprise for her, he knew it wasn´t right to tell her on paper that he had found someone who was willing to help him move on to find his 30, 40 or 50 years. Someone who was growing to love him, to accept him for who he was.
When he introduced them, he thought he saw a flicker of something in her eyes… But it couldn't be. She had no reason to feel betrayed. He was still there, he was still her partner, and he would do his best to continue being her friend, but now he had someone to go home to. Someone who was filling his lonely nights with more than pain. Someone who knew he had tons of issues, but who was willing to get to know him, scars and all. Someone who could trust in him, in his ability to love, and who knew how to let herself be loved. And it felt nice.
Hannah had been nice to her, and welcoming. Temperance had acted like her usual self, awkward, but thankfully, not rude. Even if it was selfish, he wasn't ready to give up his partnership. And Hannah had been the reason behind him not fearing being around her anymore. She acted like his rock. Some days, it had been hard. She continued to be the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and it seemed it would always be like that.
Now, as he inhaled her clean scent, his chin propped on her head after sharing a playful, loving kiss, he couldn´t help but compare them. Her voice was soft, but it didn´t have the husky undertones that had always melted him. Her body was perfect, but it lacked a bit of the fullness he had always itched to touch. Her eyes were like sparkling gems, but they weren't the color of the deepest ocean.
But she had a soft heart. And little by little, her loving resolve was starting to mend his own.
And even if he had blind once, now he was starting to think about giving his heart once again. But not blindly.
He had learned his lesson, sourly. And he would never forget it.
As Hannah nuzzled his neck and rubbed his back, he smiled, but for a second, he thought he felt someone watching, and he decided he had imagined a hint of auburn curls somewhere in the distance.
Because it just couldn't be.
He was resigned to the fact that she would always be blind to his love. She would always be blind to everything he had tried to give her. To a live filled with love, with endless passion, that he was certain would never fade.
At last, he was cured.
Or somehow, he hoped in time he would be.
He prayed to God he was.
Because he couldn't let another part of him die. He was too broken already. If he didn't protect what remained, he might not have what it took to continue breathing.
And for a second, as his arms wrapped around Hannah, he despised himself, because a lightening of realization hit his heart when he realized no one would ever come close to taking her place in his heart.
But he would go on. He would move on. He would find his 30, 40 or 50 years.
Or die trying.
Please, press that little button at the end… Musie is greedy, and perhaps, if she gets happy enough, there will be another piece… To end the angst…
You will be the ones to lead…