Ok, this is even angstier, but please have faith. All in due time.
Musie is greedy, as usual. Feed her, and she will… answer in reply (hehehe)
The song is "I love you", by Sarah Machlachlan, and it´s incredibly sad. Somehow, it fits (at least, in my very humble opinion)
Please, let me know is this is worth continuing. Reviews are like… writer's food.
The case had been brutal. It had involved the bodies of 2 small children. A boy and a girl. Twins. 2 year olds. Their whole lives ahead of them, and they had been killed. It had taken them longer than usual, but at the end they had discovered the murderer. It was indeed an awful situation: she had been hired as the children´s nanny, but what the mother didn´t know when she hired the 35 year-old woman was that she had had a stillbirth provoked by the cruel beating of her husband. Coincidentally, she was also expecting twins, and the mental and emotional distress the death of her babies provoked left her mentally unstable. Later, they learned she had been watching the family in the park, and she had made her goal to get close to the family, but mostly, to the children. Annie and Charlie were two beautiful, active 2 year olds, filled with the innocence and childlike wonder every child their age portrayed, they were loving and they took to people easily, so it was no surprise when they started getting attached to Jacqueline. What their mother would have never imagined is that her fixation with them was precisely what made her snap. Seeing the love they bestowed upon their mom the second she arrived home, how they bathed her face with sloppy, tender kissed made Jacqueline realize she would never have that, as her miscarriage had been so violent they had to perform an hysterectomy, thus robbing her of the chance of having any children of her own. Seeing the tender interaction between mother and children made her composure disappear, and hatred for herself, for the world took the place of the quiet calm she usually portrayed. So one afternoon, while she was giving them their afternoon bath, she saw herself holding their little bodies underwater in the bathtub, her bulkier body overpowering them as they struggled for water, seeing their terrified eyes that were showing they didn´t understand why she was hurting them when they had always trusted her.
As Booth listened to the woman´s confession, Brennan was on the other side of the glass of the interrogation room, shivers running down her spine. She had spent so many nights tossing and turning, and to add the mental turmoil this case had created for the team, it was like she couldn´t find any source. So she rubbed her cold arms, trying to create some sort of friction that could warm her. Perhaps she was coming down with something, or maybe she was just tired. Angela had told her she needed a few days off, but since she had returned so shortly ago from Maluku, she didn´t dare abuse Cam's sympathy, even if she knew that her boss would never object to her taking a small break. In fact, if it hadn't been for her compartmentalization techniques, she would have reacted the same way Angela and Cam had: bursting in tears as they stared at the little bodies resting on the metal platforms. It was the most awful sight, and everyone was appalled that someone could take their hatred and anger on something so fragile and tender.
Sweets entered the room, and gave her a raised look, but didn't say a word, which she was very thankful for. She wasn't in the mood to deal with him, even if since their return he seemed a lot more grown up, more mature. They had had only 2 sessions, to assess if they could return to their partnership. They had bickered, and they even made Sweets smile, but deep inside, she knew they were broken. Hannah had become a permanent fixture in Booth's life. She was happy, or at least, she was trying to be happy for him, knowing, witnessing firsthand how good Hannah was for hi, but all she could feel was the aching, the loneliness of missing what they had had, what they could have had if she hadn't been so afraid of letting herself be loved.
"Dr. Brennan, are you ok? You look a little… off, if I might say so", Sweets said. She tried her best to give him a smile, but she knew it was coming out tired, but mostly, filled with sadness and longing.
"Just tired, Sweets. This case was hard, and it took us longer to solve", she replied, and he nodded.
"Of course. It´s never easy to see someone so young be killed… in such a manner", he said.
"Do you think she was really mentally unstable when… when she killed them?", she asked. She would hate to fall for a lie, but mostly, if they didn´t get this children and their family justice.
"At the beginning I thought she was faking it, but I can say she IS mentally unstable. They way her own kids died, added to the abuse she was subjected to, and then seeing the love in that family… It made her snap. I mean, I think at first she approached them because she was thinking of stealing the children, but deep inside, she knew she could never break their attachment to the mother, so instead, she decided to… make her hurt the way she was hurting, a payback, even if Mrs. Lansky had no fault in the events that led to the passing of her children", Sweets answered.
Looking through the glass, seeing Booth´s jaw clenched in anger, eyes filled with sadness, she wanted nothing more than to go inside, and hold him against her chest, caress him until every ounce of tension left his body, but she couldn´t. She would never put him in a place where he had to feel more pain, and leading him to a crossroads was the last thing he needed. Even if she knew he still cared, she knew Hannah was healing him, leading him to a better place.
"Anyway, it´s so… sad", she sighed, her eyes fixed on the sobbing woman being put in handcuffs, "She had no one to turn to, no one who understood the pain she was going through. She was abused to such a degree it cost her her own children, and she had no one to go to. In a way, even if I know it´s irrational because she´s a killer… I pity her", she finished.
Sweets hid his sad smile. Even if the year apart had been awful to them as partners, what it had done for her as a person was remarkable, and it was truly sad that Booth wasn't seeing it. He had been so focused on protecting his heart that he was turning a blind eye to everything she was going through. Sure, in front of the squints and everyone she knew, she was acting the same, but Sweets was seeing another side of her, a side he knew had been prompted by Booth's love and devotion. But now that it was being taken away from her, what would happen to what she was letting herself feel?
"Dr. Brennan", he cleared his throat, "Can I ask you a question? I know we're not in my office, and you might think I´m overstepping the boundaries, but there's something I need to know and I know you won't answer with Agent Booth in the room", she frowned, but nodded, waiting for his question.
"Ask, and I might decide if I should answer or not", she replied.
"Fair enough, Dr. Brennan. Did… Did something happen between you and Booth?", he saw her eyes widen, "I noticed that ever since we discussed my book and your real first case… You and Agent Booth have been acting differently. I'm sorry, but if something happened because I pushed Agent Booth…. I should know. I…", he looked lost, and she knew he was asking out of concern, she could see in his eyes it was not the psychologist, but the baby duck wanting to know if mom and dad were ok.
She pondered if she should answer, but she was so tired, she didn´t want to waste time in lying, so she decided the truth without details was the best course of action.
"Something did happen that night, Sweets", he saw his eyes widen in surprise, "That night I realize how much he loves me, and that I´m so terrified of hurting him, of letting myself be loved by the best man I´m sure I´ll ever meet that I lost my only chance at happiness", she smiled tearfully, "But it´s not your fault. You were right. Someone had to make a move. I´m just sad… It had to be him, because I know he blamed himself for this, and I hurt him, yet again. I only hope Hannah… is giving him what he truly deserves", she finished, since the lump in her throat hurt too much.
Sweets gave her a sad look, and replied, "Don´t you think that what he deserved was you trying?", he asked, and she shook herself.
"Even if that´s true, it´s not… It´s no longer a possibility, and I´ll… I´ll just… focus on breathing in and out, every single day, until I don´t have to focus anymore on breathing in and out. Does that make any sense to you, Sweets?", she asked, and he nodded.
"It makes perfect sense, Dr. Brennan. I´m… I will forever be sorry that I was the one who… created this rift between you", he said, and she walked and made a totally un-Brennan like move as she moved towards him, and took his hand in hers.
"It was myself who did that, and for my life to come… I will be the sorriest", she said, and bent her head to press a soft kiss against his cheek, "Thank you for believing in us for so long. We weren´t really fair to you, Sweets".
He pursed his lips, his eyes becoming moist at seeing this normally strong, independent, beautiful woman reduced to someone who had lost everything, and worst of all, who wasn't willing to fight. At least, in the things her heart was involved. She had truly given up. She would continue to be the best at what she did, but he could see she had resigned herself to the fact that all she would have from now on would be her science, and her borrowed family, at least, until they took their own ways, and then… she would be alone.
"Dr. Brennan, I…", he tried to say something, anything, but words failed him.
"You don´t have to say a single word. This was my mess, and even if… fixing it is no longer possible, at least I have my partner, don´t I? that should be enough for me", she said, and smiled at him, but she knew he was reading how fake it truly was.
"Is it really? Enough, I mean?", he asked as she placed her hand on the doorknob.
He could see her back tense, and then her usual resolve strengthening the line of her spine, as she tilted her head just a bit to reply, "Even if it wasn´t, if it isn´t… It'll have to do", she said, and opened the door, leaving a dumbstruck psychologist in her wake.
As she walked towards Booth's office, she was lost in thought, but what broke her daze was the sound of laughter. And she immediately recognized the laughter as Booth's. Those husky, grave undertones were much too known for her. She watched as Hannah was perched on his desk, making funny faces that she could clearly see were little by little easing the tension. A pain like a stab wound crossed her chest, and she actually placed her hand where her heart was beating wildly, and painfully.
"Dr. Brennan?", she recognized the voice as Charlie's, and she instantly put on her poker face, and steeled her spine, hiding her emotions, and turned to face the agent who was Booth's right hand at the Hoover.
She gave him a curt smile, "Hello Charlie, how are you?", he smiled as well and replied, "Very good. It's been a while since I've seen you here", he said.
"Things have been busy at the lab", another laugh broke the air, and they both turned to see Hannah rubbing the top of Booth's nose with her thumb, both laughing at something she was saying.
Charlie tentatively said, "He looks happy. It's been… quite a while since I've seen him laugh like that", a pain deeper than the one she was already feeling stabbed her again, knowing that it had been her behind that sadness.
She only nodded, "I wish she keeps him laughing that way", her chest felt too tight, too constricted, and she knew that if she didn´t leave right away, she wouldn't be able to hide it, and mostly, she would probably burst into tears in the middle of the bullpen, so she sighed, and added, "Charlie, would you be so kind as to let agent Booth know I left already? Tell him he shouldn't worry, that I went home and that I know he's busy, ok? I would truly appreciate it", he nodded.
The truth was that Charlie was surprised. Usually, when she came in, it´s like she owned the place, but now… There was something truly… sorrowful about her, but since they had denied over and over they were involved, he knew it couldn´t be anything related to Booth.
"Sure thing. It´ll be my pleasure", he said.
"Thank you, Charlie. Good night", she replied, and giving the couple, who were now embracing, a last look, she turned on her heels and pressed the call button for the elevator pointedly, giving Charlie the impression that she couldn't leave fast enough, confusing him as to what might be bothering her. But since he had been helping Booth with the evidence from the case, he knew it had been horrific and perhaps she was as tired and torn as all of them were.
She held her tears during the entire ride, counting the seconds until the doors opened and she could go lick her wounds in the sanctity of her apartment.
She took a cab, and even if she wanted to burst into tears, she held them stoically until she got to her place. But by the time she got there, she was so numb, so tired, she was only able to discard her jacket and shoes, throw her keys on the bowl by the door, and without thinking she slid to the floor. It was a relaxation technique she had learned while in the East, and sometimes it helped her regain some sense of self when she was feeling lost.
Since she was lying on top of her thick Indian rug, she was comfortable enough, and she opened her eyes to see the remote for her stereo on the edge of the coffee table. Music helped too, and she decided to turn it on to soothe her senses, to make the silence disappear if just for a little while.
Some songs passed, and she thought she had the tears under control until a song she had never heard came on, the lyrics feeling like a blow to her midsection.
I have a smile
Stretched from ear to ear
To see you walking down the road
We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
The world around disappears
Just you and me
On this island of hope
A breath between us could be miles
Let me surround you
My sea to your shore
Let me be the calm you seek
Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot
To tell you
I love you
And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so
By this point of the song, she was curled up in a ball, her eyes leaking a steady torrent of hot tears, the words hitting her hard and clear where it mattered the most.
The sight of him had always brought a smile to her face, his goofy antics, his attempts to teach her how to open herself to the world. How many times she would have longed to ask him to teach her how to love, but now, because of her own shortcomings that chance was long gone. Every time they were closed, she ached to tell him how much she was grieving without him, but she had lost the strength to tell him the words that would make him understand that it hadn´t been a lack of love, instead, too much love for him which had led her to reject him. She was constantly cold now, and she knew it was because she no longer had his warm body next to her. So many times, when the nights were cold, they walked in a tight embrace, his arms around her shoulders or hugging her waist as they simply basked in the knowledge that it didn´t matter how wrong the world was, they had each other, how he took his jacket and wrapped her in it despite her protests, and how she hid her delight at being able to catch his scent on her clothes afterwards, but how it was a pitiful replacement for his body close to hers. A warmth that belonged to Hannah now.
Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot
To tell you
I love you
And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so
When the soft sounds of the song died away, to be replaced by the sad tones of Bach´s prelude to Suite 1, she was already in pain for crying so hard, her sobs echoing everywhere. She didn't know how much time had passed, but song after song came, and the tears just wouldn't stop. She was lucky it was a Friday and she had the weekend ahead of her to recover and come back her usual, composed self on Monday, when no one could figure how broken she truly was.
Those were her thoughts until a soft knock broke her musings. She turned her eyes to the stereo, and in the display she could see it was almost midnight. 11.47p.m. She knew it couldn´t be Angela, since her habits had changed drastically after becoming Mrs. Hodgins. She knew it couldn't be Booth, since he was with Hannah. Her dad was away on a trip with Russ, and she had no one else. So she figured it could be her super.
She arranged her clothing the best she could, but when she stared into the mirror next to her door, she knew hiding her face was inevitable. Her eyes were swollen and red with all the crying, she looked pale and felt clammy, her hair was in disarray. Overall, she looked like someone who had been crying her eyes out, which in truth, she had. Anyway, whoever it was, she would just dismiss them. Anyway, she didn´t care about what people thought of her, and no one could meddle in her personal life, so she figured she would just sent them on their way after dealing with them.
She straightened her pants one last time, and she opened the door, only to find the last person she thought she would ever see that night.
"Booth", her knuckles turned white, but she used every last bit of her strength and with her most resolute voice she only said, "You shouldn´t be here".
Bit of a cliffy, I know… But I felt like "this is going somewhere"… Wiser words were never said. You know what you have to do…
Really, I hate asking for reviews, but I appreciate them greatly, and to all of you who have taken the time to drop me a line, jsboneslover, BelleBones, Kate, SouthunLady, NotAboutNightingales… Thank you… you made me want to go on…
BTW, rating might change for the next chappie… it all depends… Just to let you know…