Hey, guys!
Thank you again, and again, and again, to the wonderful reviewers, and to all who added this story to their alerts. You're kind, and you push me to write.
Sorry for taking so long in updating, but a bad, bad case of the migraine and my sister´s b-day along with our country´s Valentine´s day got in the middle.
But here it is. As usual, I don't own Bones because I certainly would handle thins waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay differently (hihihi)
Anyway, this song is "Can´t stay away from you", from Gloria Stefan. Sad, sad song. And it leans a bit more towards Hannah´s feelings, though things can also be seen from Booth´s point of view.
I only hope this lives up to your expectations.
He knew they had to talk, and it wasn't like him to avoid a conversation, and even less, one as important as the one he knew they needed to have.
But it was breaking his heart. 10 long days without any word from his Bones, and he knew she was being truthful to her word, giving him both the time and the space he needed to solve the mess that was his life.
She had said some things he couldn´t deny: before they could be a "them", he had to sort out his feelings, and one of the things that hurt him the most was knowing that she was aware of just how important Hannah was to him. It hurt him because he loved her, and knowing she was hurt felt like a stab wound, mostly because he had promised himself he would always take care of her. But Hanna had been there for him at a moment when he had lost of all hope, and she had worked hard to help him regain the sense of self he had lost the moment he left DC.
His heart had been badly broken, and patiently, she had helped him mend it, even if it still didn't resemble what it could have been if she had accepted the challenge of letting him open the doors to her heart that fateful night. But 10 days ago his world had changed, yet again, and he didn't know what to do. He felt torn between what he had desired and the promise of a future with a woman who meant peace, tranquility.
Deep inside of him was the knowledge that a life without his Bones now that she was willing to open her life and her heart to him was not a possibility he could endure without feeling he was walking through life with half of his soul missing. But it had never been in his nature to hurt someone, and least, hurting someone who had been there for him when he had been in dire straits, someone who had understood his demons, and accepted them, even if he had never disclosed them fully. There was only one women who could do that, and it was the woman that was waiting for his choice, whatever it might be. He might love his Bones, but he had always known being with her would be no picnic, and still he wouldn't change her for the world.
Hannah stared at him, perched against the wall of the hallway leading to his room. She was worried about him. His silent demeanor was so different from his usual self, she knew something was bugging him. When she met him, despite his imposing posture and alpha-male status among his men, she read deep sadness into those chocolate brown eyes.
At first, she assumed his sadness was because of all the horrors he must have seen, but after a few exchanges, she saw it wasn't because of the war. She could see he was nursing a broken heart, and he was doing his best to move on.
The first time they truly spoke took place by sunset, while he was sitting in chair outside his tent, staring at a picture of his son. She commented, "cute boy, is he yours?", and he had nodded, unable to hide his smile at the thought of the little man. She sat next to him, and silently offered him a can of soda. She said she hadn't left anybody behind, and when she asked about his family, something dark and incredibly painful crossed his warm eyes. He said just his son, and his friends and coworkers. She discreetly took a glance at his hands, and saw there was no wedding ring there, or traces of ever being there, so that gave her the courage she needed to be as "unnoticeably flirty" as possible.
The truth was that the moment she saw him in only his fatigue pants and a brown muscle shirts, her dreams had definitely taken a naughtier turn. But something stopped her from rushing him, because she could see he still wasn't ready to deal with a new relationship.
But patience and a honest offer of friendship sealed the deal, and 2 months before he was set to return they kissed. For her it was magic, and she vowed she would do everything to heal him so they could become a "them". He was unusually tight-lipped about the reason he seemed so broken, and all she could get from him was that there had been someone he had loved deeply, and that she had turned him down even before they started a path towards something more. He hadn't given her names or who she was, or what she did, the only thing she knew is that that woman had meant the world to the man she was currently staring at.
And she had made it her personal mission to make him trust he could be happy again, that he could find love and tenderness again. Little by little, she saw how the shadow clouding his eyes started fading, and even if it was not completely gone, she could see he was opening his heart to her.
She had been deeply afraid of their return to DC, knowing that the moment he stepped foot, he probably would have to deal all the ghosts he had left lurking in his life. One thing that confused her was his reactions to his partner. Hannah was very sure of herself, but she couldn't deny Dr. Temperance Brennan was one beautiful woman. But more than her appeal, what concerned her was how out of sorts Seeley seemed around her. It was a paradox: there was a glint of joy whenever she was near, one she assumed was due to the friendship and partnership they claimed they were the center of, but at the same time, there was a shadow of longing and sadness she couldn't comprehend. She even dared ask Cam, who she had realized was his best female friend apart from his partner, if they had a romantic history. Cam had hesitated, but she claimed they had never gone beyond the borders of an amazing partnership and an incredibly tight friendship, a bond no one had been able to break. They had stayed together through everything, and thus it was only normal if people assumed they had something else going on. Cam's words had soothed Hannah, and his actions spoke for him.
But 10 days ago he seemed different. Not cold, but like there was something heavy lurking in the deep recesses of his mind. She gently prodded to see what she could get, but all she got were reassurances he was ok, and that the workload was heavy. But she could see in his eyes he was thinking very hard about something. All she hoped was that it wasn´t her.
With that thought in mind, she walked over to him.
"What are you thinking about so hard?", he felt a small pair of arms embrace him from behind, rubbing his chest lightly, and he smiled softly, yet hesitantly. Something shifted inside of him, and he braced himself. He couldn't keep lying. Enough was enough.
Time flies when you're having fun
I heard somebody say
But, if all I've been is fun
Then, baby, let me go; don't wanna be in your way
"A lot on my mind, I guess", he said, and he felt her place her head between his shoulder blades tenderly.
"Seeley, I´ve noticed you have been… I don´t mean to sound like the unsecure, clingy girlfriend and all, but… You've been kind of distant these past few days, and I can tell you're worried about something. Please, baby, if we want to make this work, we have to tell each other what we're feeling, sharing it so it doesn't become a burden", her gentle words tug at his heart, he didn't want to speak his doubts, but she was right. The moment they got together, one of their agreements was sharing everything they were feeling, particularly after he told her one of the reasons he had accepted his assignment was because basically his heart was torn to shreds. He knew she wanted the complete story, but he was so hurt at the moment, all he said that it wasn't meant to be, and that he was resigning himself to the fact before returning home.
He sighed, and turned, her arms still around him, and he bent his head to kiss her hair, closing his eyes, hating that even if her scent soothed him, there was another he would always be yearning for.
He silently led her to the couch, and after they sat down, and he bent his body to face her fully, he could see the expectant look on her face. They both knew they had reached the moment of full disclosure, and he thought she deserved to know the complete truth.
"Hannah, you know how I was when we first met, right?", she nodded, and replied, "You were so sad, so… it was like you had lost hope", he nodded back, and rubbed his jaw, trying to find the words that would explain the whole mess he had made of everything.
"I want you to know what happened, I want you to know why I was… the way I was", she just stared at him, and said, "Seeley, if you don't want to, it's ok. I don't mean to pressure you", and he knew it wasn't just words, he knew she meant them.
"No, Hannah. I owe it to you. You deserve to know", she looked a bit uncertain, but she nodded anyway.
"When we first met, yes, I was brokenhearted. I had given up. You… you came into my life when I needed hope badly, when I… You gave me joy at a moment when I thought I would spend my life in pain, and for that I'm thankful", he smiled softly at her, and she cupped his jaw tenderly, but then his eyes got dark, and he found the courage he needed to speak.
And I don't wanna be your second choice
Don't wanna be just your friend
You keep telling me that you're not in love
You wanna throw it all away
"I fell in love with someone, an amazing woman really. Beautiful, smart to a fault, socially awkward, workaholic as I am… I met her 7 years ago, and the first time we met what could have been turned… definitely sour. She hated me, and I sort of… hated her, even if that didn't mean we weren't attracted to each other- Anyway, we met again, and at that moment, we began truly, truly getting to know each other, and I… I fell irrevocably in love with her. I didn't even know when it happened, I just knew it when I realized that I would gladly live my live for her", Hannah squeezed his hand, and there was so much trust in her emerald eyes he felt like the worst living piece of scum.
"I never talked about my feelings, or let her see how I truly felt about her, because I knew she wasn't ready for me, for us. She would run in fear, and I knew in my heart she needed time to deal with her feelings, to open herself to the idea of… loving me the way I loved her", he sighed, "But I had hope. I hoped one day she would see how great, how amazing we could be together, and as long as I had that hope, I… I could wait. Even if it broke my heart seeing her with other men, men who didn't truly appreciate just how incredible she was", Hannah nodded, waiting for him to continue.
"But… One night, more than a year ago, I decided to risk it, to lay everything on the line, because I felt, deep inside, it was time to stop pretending. It was like having an elephant in the room, you know?", Hannah nodded again, showing him she understood, "But my gamble turned out to be what broke us. I told her I believed in us, in what we could be, but she told me she couldn't change, not even for me. She was terrified, and what cut me the deepest was feeling that what she might have felt for me wasn't strong enough to override her fear. You see, she… she was abandoned when she was just a teenager, and she had the hardest life ever. She had no one to take care of her, to… to be there for her, and she faced some pretty nasty things, on her own, without no one to comfort her or let her know she deserved love. She became cold, distant… But I could see past the façade and through the woman craving for love. I thought I wasn't good enough for her to change, or so I believed was the truth. I… I just realized I screwed up majorly".
"Seeley, it's ok, baby. I understand that if you were so invested in that relationship, it would have to hurt for her to dismiss you, though I can't see how she would be able to turn you down, you're… very hard to resist", she said, and he couldn't help but smile at her flattery, even if he was preparing to break her heart when she learned the full truth.
"Thank you, but you see, she's not like that. She doesn't let herself be surprised by what most people would consider impressive. Anyway, when I met you, you began healing me. You began healing a part of me that was yearning for someone to make me believe I could be loved, that I wasn't paying for past sins, and that I could… I could find happiness", she smiled broadly at his words, but he knew the smile would be short-lived.
"Hannah, I can't lie to you. You deserve more from me", she nodded expectantly, "I returned to DC bracing myself for facing my past, I know you know this, but you gave me the strength I needed to be able to face my old self without fear. And I feel so much for you, I truly do, but I think we've both known, from the time we decided we wanted to give this a go, that I wasn't whole, that a part of me was missing, and that I… I wouldn't be getting it back. And now… I'm facing the real possibility that she… she would want to give that us a chance", he could see Hannah's eyes widening in surprise and confusion.
"But Seeley, after how she hurt you, and dismissed you, I thought…", she trailed off, clearly hurt and confused, "I thought you were trying to move on, that you were starting to move on, with me", she said softly, and he clasped both her hands in his large ones.
But I can't stay away from you
I don't wanna let you go
And, though it's killing me-that's true
There's just some things I can't control
Your love is slipping through my hands
And, though I've heard it all before
I know you're telling me the truth
I know it's just no use
But I can't stay away from you
"I know, and I never, ever lead you on. All the time we've had together, everything I've said, I've meant it. You are so important to me, Hannah, so…", he said, and he could see her blink back tears.
"But you love her more, don't you?", she said bitterly, and he swallowed hard. Seeing her so sad broke his heart even more, but he knew he had to let it all out.
"It's more like I've loved her for so long and I had stopped believing, but suddenly I see there's this huge window opening for me", he replied.
"So I was just convenient?", she said brokenly, and he shook his head, and held her to his side kissing her hair.
"No, and please, don´t ever think that. I… I care for you in ways I never thought I could. You have a place in my heart that's only yours, not because of what you did for me, but for who you are. But I…", suddenly his feelings and his choice became clear to him, and the realization of what he had to do hit him hard in the chest, "Hannah, I can't spend my whole life wondering… Wondering what could have been. I don't think you deserve that, a man who's not completely free to give himself to you. I can´t let my wounded pride get in the way of what I could find if we both put our hands to it".
"So, now she realized she wants you and you drop everything for her? How can you be so certain you're risking it everything for someone who perhaps won't know how to make you happy?", Hannah sniffled, and he could see the truth behind her reasoning.
"Because I now understand why she turned me down, and the pain she went through herself. I'm the gambler, Hannah, and gambling is hoping your hand is better than the one of the man across you. I know it seems stupid, since I already lost, but… my heart will never be whole if I don't at least try. Yes, she might hurt me. You", he said staring into teary emerald eyes, "You would be a sure bet, I know it. You are the embodiment of everything that I would need to spend the rest of my life being a happy man", he said.
"But it's not enough, is it?", she asked, her voice broken by the sobs she was clearly holding in.
"It's not that it's not enough. It's that I think you deserve a man who is giving you his everything, and if I don´t try, I'll never know", he replied. "I don't want to poison your mind, I don't want you thinking that when I'm making love to you, there's someone else on my mind, that I'm not giving you all I am".
"But… if you know I'm the obvious choice, Seeley, why are you doing this to you, to me?", she asked, and he could see she didn't want to let go of him, and it hurt him, because he already knew she had invested herself fully in this relationship, not like him, who had held a little something back, and that little something was like a candle which refused to completely burn out.
Hold on to ev'ry bit of hope
That's all I ever do
Hoping you might change your mind
And call me up to say how much you need me, too
And, though you're leaving me no other choice
Than to turn and walk away
Look over your shoulder-I'll be there
You can count on me to stay
'Cause I can't stay away from you
"Because there was a moment in my life when I didn't see myself without her. She still pushes me to become a better version of myself, and I don't think I can spend my life knowing three people are miserable because I was too afraid to risk it. Yes, I know I might be setting myself for some huge heartbreak, AGAIN, and that I'm letting an amazing, beautiful, living woman slip from my fingers, but Hannah", he sighed, and felt her tremble, and felt like the world's greatest bastard, for her pain, "You saw how I was, and if that doesn't tell you the power this feeling still has over me, I don't know what could. I… I'll never be whole because she stole a piece of me I can never get back, parts of me I can only have when I'm with her, and I miss… I miss that. I'm not able to give up the dreams I once had now that…", he swallowed.
Hannah straightened her body up, and she brought her hands to her face, wiping the tears away. "She must be some woman if even if you know what we could have, you're willing to give it up for her", she said, and he nodded.
"Yeah, she is. She deserves this, and the thing is… She was just as resigned to the fact that she had lost me until we… we spoke and for the first time, we opened our hearts to each other", he could see Hannah's eyes widening.
"It's not… Seeley… It's not… Dr. Brennan?", she not only looked surprised, but kind of horrified, "But she's so… awkward, so… how could you fall in love with her? You two don't get each other", Hannah said.
"Yes, she's awkward, she seems cold, as cold as her lab, but underneath all those layers, there's a heart I've loved for God knows how long, and I… All I hoped was to see myself through her eyes once, and I know you don't understand, but those who have known her long enough can tell you how… how truly wonderful she is", he finished, seeing Hannah stand.
"I still don't get it. I don't think I ever will. I thank you for being honest with me, even if this is killing me, but I… I know this wasn't a game to you, but I think I always put a bit more of myself. I… I love you, Seeley, and the sad thing is that I was starting to see a future with you. But I can see", she said, tears running through her face as she stood from the couch, "that you don't see it with me, and that you got the shot you were waiting for. I highly doubt it, but I only hope she makes you happy, that she knows what you´re risking, for her", a tiny part of her hoped that these words were the seeds of doubt to make him take a step back. She was truly in love, and she didn´t want to let go of him, but the moment the words left her lips, she could see something shift inside him, and he stood, facing her.
"I know you're the logical choice, but let's say that in this matter I'm willing to risk a lifetime of irrationality. She doubts herself, she doubts her ability to love, and despite how much she was torn me apart, I wouldn't change a hair on her head. Not one, because that's how I fell for her, seeing her for who she truly was, no masks on. She also knows you would be better for me, but loving someone is being able to risk certainty for the craziness you know will make you happy the rest of your life. She does make me crazy, and we will probably want to kill each other more than once, but… she's also risking something. She's risking her whole self, and years of pain and fear, for me. And yes, you were never a game to me, or convenient. I truly believed in what we could be, but now you would be loving a shadow of myself, not the complete me. And you deserve more. I deserve more", he finished.
"Anyway", she replied dejectedly to his words, knowing she had definitely lost him, or even better, never truly had him, "I hope you don't regret your choice, and that it's worth it".
"She will always be worth it. And so are you. You would start wanting pieces of me I could never give", she nodded tearfully, and spun on her heels towards the room, the silent agreement that she would leave hanging in the air.
He sat down on the couch, hearing her pace in the room, probably putting away the things she had at his place. They hadn´t moved in together yet, but she had a considerable amount of stuff she would have to take with her. He could hear her sob softly as she put everything in her travel bags, and it broke his heart knowing she was hurt because of him, but he knew this was right thing to do. He could never be with her if his heart, his body, his mind were yearning for the touch of the woman he had loved for so long.
I don't wanna let you go
And, though it's killing me-that's true
There's just some things I can't control
Your love is slipping through my hands
And, though I've heard it all before
I know you're telling me the truth
I know it's just no use
But I can't stay away from you
And Hannah had made him see how much he was risking, but for once, being the gambler wasn't as scary as he thought. In fact, it was the first time that his heart was at complete calm, because something deep inside told him that despite appearances, the outcome could be everything he had been hoping for.
As she reemerged from his room, the 2 small travel bags she took everywhere with her, and her tear-streaked face, he wanted to take it all back, but he had told her the truth. They all deserved more.
She just stared at him, and said, "I hope she makes herself worthy of you, Seeley. I know you don't want me to feel like I'm your backup plan if things with her don't work, but know that I'll be there for you, and maybe if things don't work… Perhaps we might find each other again", she said as she moved towards the door. Her car was downstairs, so they didn't have to wait for her to call a cab or for him to do the gentlemanly thing and take her to her place.
He just stood in front of her, bent his head, and kissed her temple, "You gave me hope, and I'm so sorry I couldn't give you more than this, but we needed to face the truth. Maybe it's killing us right now, but at the end, it'll all be worth it", he finished, and she let go of her bags to hug him tightly, saving this memory tightly in her mind.
"I do hope so. Be happy, Seeley", she said, and with a quick, chaste lips to his lips, she bent, took her bags, and practically ran out of his apartment, her sobs echoing. He softly closed the door, and closed his eyes as he leaned against it, but there was a sense of relief in the silence.
And for the first time, there were no ghosts. Only hope.
Whether you liked it or hated it, please, pretty please, drop me a line. I wasn't truly sure about this chappie, but I didn't want to leave you hanging anymore. So please, make musie happy and tell me what you thought.