Chapter 11
Mac stirred and looked over to Harm who was sitting in a chair beside her bed, she could tell he'd been crying, it had been a while ago and she knew she'd lost the baby. She looked at his face
"It's gone" She said, more a statement, trying to stay detached.
"Yes"
"I'm sorry," she said
"What for?" It's not your fault"
"It is, it's all my fault"
"Oh baby" he pulled his chair closed and held her hand in both of his "I know you'd never do anything to intentionally hurt any baby of ours"
"If it wasn't for this disease, we'd have a baby by now, if not two, I don't know why you don't divorce me"
"How could you say that? I love you and if we never have children, I don't care I'll still love you and you didn't choose to get this disease"
"You always say the right thing" she smiled, tears flowing down her cheeks, he didn't notice when she started to cry but he reached out and brushed her tears away
"How are you feeling, pain wise I mean"
"I'm a bit sore"
"Do you think I can give you a hug?"
"Yeah" He wrapped his arms around her and moved onto the bed, executing a quick manoeuvre and she was sitting on his lap on the bed. She buried her head in his chest and cried for their lost child. Soon enough Mac had cried herself to sleep. Harm was used to this and knew she needed her rest so he left her to sleep. Kissing her forehead he went to the cafeteria to get himself a salad and ate it quickly before returning to her room to find her stirring again and just after she woke up Dr. Caldwell walked in
"Well Sarah, how are you feeling today?"
"Still a little sore"
"That's expected, well I'm just going to have a poke then you should be all right to go home, Now tell me where it hurts" he began to push gently on her stomach. When he was done, he wrote on her chart and then continued, "You know the drill unfortunately, so while you bleed, avoid tampons, heavy exercise and night time activities. If you feel weak, dizzy or light headed, call an ambulance right away and come in. Otherwise if Harmon will come and sign the papers you can come home, Oh, and don't go back to work for at least two to three days, try next week. I'll see you when you are ready to try again, take your time" He and Harm walked out and Mac gingerly got out of bed and changed before they brought in a wheelchair, she had learnt not to try and reject the wheelchair anymore and she let Harm wheel her out and then into the car.
When they got home Harm helped her into the house and into bed
"Harm?"
"Mmm?"
"Stay with me please?" He got into bed beside her and held her close
"Try and rest some more OK?" he said kissing her forehead gently. Se bean to cry again "Hey, don't cry, there will always be another chance" he held her close and let her cry
"I can't"
"What?"
" I can't stand it anymore, I can't do this, I'm not strong enough"
"Mac you are the strongest woman I know. It'll be OK"
"No I can't do it I never want to try again"
"Mac, don't say that, I know that you want a baby more than anything else" This only made her cry harder "Honey, you're still grieving, just give it time"
"I can't take it, I can't go through this again" Harm had to strain to her this and just held her closer, tears falling slowly down his own cheeks. She cried herself to sleep and when she was asleep Harm carefully extracted himself and went to call the Admiral
"JAG offices, Petty Officer Coates speaking"
"Jen, its Harm is the Admiral in?"
"Yeah, how's the Colonel?"
"She's sleeping now, still a little sore and upset but she'll pull through, she's a fighter"
"OK, tell her we're all thinking of her, I'll get the admiral for you"
"Hello Commander?"
"Yeah hi, I was wondering how much time I can get off, Mac's not gonna be able to get back till next week"
"Unfortunately, this time I can't spare both of you, I'm gonna need you in tomorrow, sorry Son"
"No worries, Chloe's coming today as a surprise, Mac'll probably sleep a lot and she'll enjoy having Chloe over"
"All right, look after her son, see you tomorrow"
"Thank you sir" He went back to his room and found Mac thrashing and crying in her sleep, he woke her gently and she cried out when she awoke, sitting up and shaking. "Mac what is it? What's Wrong?"
"I did it, it's my fault" Harm sighed this happened every time
"No you didn't honey, relax" he gathered her into his arms and whispered into her ear "Talk to me"
"I keep seeing myself in my dreams that made me lose the baby, like drinking again or too much exercise"
"Mac, don't worry, I know you would never do that and that would never happen, you loved our baby the second you knew you were pregnant" she nodded and stayed curled up in his arms as the tears subsided until the doorbell rang. Harm went to the door, paid the cab man and let Chloe in. "She's in the bedroom, and needs a bit of cheering up" Chloe nodded and ran off to their room while Harm put her bags in her room
"Hi Mac"
"Chloe! What are you doing here?"
"Harm invited me" she carefully sat on the bed, slipped off her shoes and hugged her gently "I've missed you"
"Me too Clo, but you know I can't take you out"
"Yeah, I don't care I have movies and games and everything"
"Wow, thanks"
"Anything for my big sister" she jumped off the bed and went to get her bag of stuff, while she was going she ran into Harm
"Hey Harm"
"Chloe, I have to go to work tomorrow, so I'm giving you the job of looking after Mac and keeping her mind off things"
"Aye, Aye sir"
"Thanks Clo" he hugged her and the separated, Chloe going to the guest room and Harm to his and Mac's room.
"Mac?" she looked up
"Hey"
"I spoke to the Admiral today and he said that I have to go into work, I hope you don't mind"
"It's not too bad because I have Chloe" He sat on the edge of the bed next to her and kissed her gently
"How are you feeling?"
"Still a bit sore when I move wrong but not too bad"
"That's good" he kissed her again and Chloe came into the room with her bag
"I'll get dinner, what would you like" Harm said
"Chloe can choose," said Mac looking at her little sister
"How about that veggie lasagne I've heard so much about?"
"Veggie lasagne it is" he left and Chloe opened her bag
"I have photos, games, movies, everything"
"Let's see your photos" Chloe pulled out her album and turned it to the most recent pages
"This is my new horse Coco," she pointed to a photo of herself on a brown horse with a white spot on its head with a huge grin plastered on her face
"Wow, she's a beautiful hose, it is a she right?"
"Yeah" Chloe continued to show her photos of her friends and everything else, telling Mac funny stories and of visiting her father.
Harm stood in the kitchen making dinner and he smiled hearing them laughing, glad that Mac wasn't upset anymore. He put the dinner in the oven and went back to them
"What's all this laughing?"
"I was just telling Mac about my friend who fell down the escalator at the mall" Chloe laughed
"What's so funny about that?"
"She was going up the escalator" Harm began to laugh too and looked over at Mac who was laughing but looked like it hurt, he sat on the other side of her and wrapped an arm around her waist before kissing her on the cheek. They continued to talk about various things before the bell on the oven rang signalling that dinner was ready. Mac refused to stay in bed for dinner so Chloe helped her walk to the kitchen while Harm went and got the Lasagne out of the oven.
Later that night
Harm lay in bed beside Mac who was already fast asleep he let himself cry, he thought he'd got it all out before now but seeing Mac still in pain and the loss of their 4th child it was getting to be too much, he softly kissed her bare shoulder and joined her in the land of nod.
The next morning he was the first to wake, slipping out of the bed as softly and as quietly as possible so as not to wake Mac prematurely, he went into the kitchen and began to make breakfast. Chloe awoke to the delectable scent of breakfast, she went downstairs to find Harm with bacon, eggs and toast for her and Mac and the same for him without the bacon
"Wow Harm, Thanks"
"No worries, tuck in, I'm gonna go and check on Mac"
"OK, cool" Harm walked into their room to find Mac still fast asleep, so he kissed her gently on the forehead and left, he was a little worried because usually she was awake by now and the small amount of noise he and Chloe had made would have woken her. He re entered the kitchen and ate breakfast. He changed and checked the time again 0830, he had to leave but Mac was still asleep, he kissed her forehead and whispered
"I love you" he left and found Chloe
"See ya Kiddo, I've gotta go to work but make sure Mac has breakfast OK?"
"Yes sir" she said with a mock salute before Harm left.
It was 0900 before Mac woke, she winced when she got out of bed and walked slowly into the kitchen. She found her breakfast, heated it up and began to eat. Chloe came downstairs after her shower and found Mac eating
"Did you sleep well?" She asked
"Mmm" said Mac, Chloe took a seat and they were silent while Mac ate
"Do you want to go for a walk in the park later? Only Harm said it was a good idea, if you don't want to I don't mind"
"No I do, it is a good idea" Mac finished eating and picked up her plate
"I'll do it, why don't you go and have a shower?"
"Are you implying that I smell miss Madison?"
"No, but you always have a shower after breakfast"
"Oh do I?"
"Yes, once a marine, always a marine, you have a schedule"
"Fine" Mac went to have a shower and Chloe cleaned up the plate and put the dishwasher on.
Mac stepped out of the shower and changed, she was getting some cramps but she shrugged them off, it had only been a few days, she hated being so helpless, the tears began to fall again for their lost child. She changed quicker, washed her face and hid the evidence of tears, she went to leave and her stomach protested, she groaned and sat on the edge of the bed, she breathed deeply and went into the kitchen
"OK, Chloe, lets got to the Park, should we pack a picnic?"
"Yeah, I'll bring some games" Chloe ran upstairs while Mac got the food ready, they packed a blanket and walked to the park. Chloe watched Mac spread out the blanket and sit down and noticed that she flinched a few times
"How are you feeling, are you OK?
"Yeah, still a little sore but I'm right" Chloe nodded but wanted to remember to tell Harm later. They spent the day watching joggers, bike riders, dog walkers and young families playing. Tears sprung to Mac's eyes when she saw a family with a navy man, his wife, a toddler and a new baby but tried hard to keep it from Chloe. They lay on the blanket, told stories and played games before eating and walking home.
That night when Harm got home he was surprised with dinner
"Wow guys, thanks" he slipped an arm around Mac's waist and kissed her temple, she turned and kissed him passionately
"Uh! Guys, get a room"
"Sorry Clo" Mac said as they smiled at her
"How are you feeling? Harm asked Mac
"Tired"
"Did you have a rest today?"
"A little, after lunch"
"Clearly not enough, you know you're supposed to rest a lot"
"I didn't have a hard day, we walked a bit but we spent the day lying on a blanket in the park" she was getting a bit defensive, she didn't want to be so helpless
"OK, I'm just worried about you" he hugged her and kissed the top of your head. She rested her head against his chest and wrapped her arms around him
"I love you," she whispered
"Dinner's ready" said Chloe, they pulled apart and Harm kissed her again before leaning down to look her in the eyes
"I love you too" he kissed her again and they sat down for dinner after dinner they sat in the living room and began to watch Sliding Doors, it wasn't really a Harm movie but her sat there holding Mac in his arms and running a hand through her hair. After only half an hour she had fallen asleep and Harm carried her into bed. He kissed her on the forehead and went back out to Chloe
"You can stay and finish the movie, then go to bed, if you need anything I'll be in the study working"
"Kay" Harm walked into the study and looked at the photo of he and Mac on her birthday, he didn't know when it had been taken or who had taken it but he loved it. They were looking into each other's eyes and their arms were wrapped around each other. Next to this there was an ultrasound photo that confirmed Mac's pregnancy, he felt tears pricking at his eyes and put the photo in a drawer. A little over an hour later Chloe came into the room
"Harm?"
"Is the movie over already?"
"Yeah, but I wanted to talk to you"
"What's up?"
"It's Mac, I'm worried"
"What's wrong is she OK?"
"Today at the park I noticed she was in a bit of pain"
"Yeah, It should pass but she won't take help, you know she's got that 'I'm a marine, I can take it, kisckass, semper fi' stuff going on"
"Yeah, but there's something else"
"Mmm?"
"There was a couple that looked a bit like you guys there with a baby and toddler and I think it really upset her" Harm frowned
"I'll talk to her, she'll talk when she's ready though" he held out his arms to her "C'mere" she walked over and sat on his knee "This happens, she'll get better and when it stops hurting she'll talk about the inner pain but right now she just needs time. She wants to be OK alone first and I promise she won't go back to work or anything unless I'm 100 sure she's OK" Chloe hugged him
"Thanks Harm"
"No worries" He hugged her again "Now off to bed kiddo" she left and Harm followed, turning off the light and going to their room to find Mac awake, sobbing, her body shaking violently. He almost ran to her side
"Mac, honey, baby, what's wrong?" he gathered her into his arms and rubbed her back soothingly, she didn't answer, she just held onto him as she cried "Honey, you have to tell me if you are OK, is it your stomach?" she shook her head and he held her close "Shhh, It's OK" he rocked her gently, still rubbing her back until she calmed down a bit.
"It's not fair"
"What?" He wondered what could make Mac so distraught
"I just can't forget"
"Talk to me baby, what's wrong?" he kissed her gently
"There was a navy man at the park with his wife and 2 kids, a toddler and a new baby"
"Oh Mac, It's OK"
"No, it'll never be OK, I'm damaged goods Harm, I can never give you that"
"I don't care Mac, I love you all the same"
"Even if we never have children?"
"Even if we never have children, I promise," he kissed her and lay down with her, he stripped down to his boxers and lay beside her "Now just rest" they kissed again and soon fell asleep.