CHAPTER 6

Slartibartfast and Fenchurch sat in the small control cabin of his time ship the Time Flies. From the outside it looked very impressive. It was the size of a five story building. And there was a nice long ramp leading up to a set of double doors half way up the side of the craft. However, once inside, Fenchurch found herself following Slartibartfast down a short narrow corridor which lead directly into the control cabin.

This was the heart of the ship. And, apparently, the only actual cabin. It looked to Fenchurch to be about the size of a Fotomat booth. There was one seat, which was a combination captain's/pilot's seat and toilet. At the front were the controls. Above the controls were cupboards with supplies. And behind the seat was just enough floor space to curl up and go to sleep. Apparently the rest of the ship housed the mighty engines needed to travel backwards and forwards through time.

She was reluctant to complain. But six hours into the flight, with her sitting on the floor behind Slartibartfast, she said hesitantly, "There's not very much room back here." She tried to say it matter-of-factly, so as not to offend her host.

"No," the old man agreed. "Still, you should have seen the last ship with which I was lumbered."

"What was wrong with that one?" Fenchurch asked, eager for a reason to be grateful for her current accommodations.

But all the old man said was, "Oh, just don't ask."

#

Some hours later the two weary time travelers stepped gratefully out onto the surface of the planet Golgafrincham. And for all Fenchurch could see, it might have been Earth. The gravity felt right. The plants were green and leafy. The sky was blue. And there seemed to be a total lack of monsters trying to eat her the moment her feet touched the soil. She definitely like it.

As they walked through the trees and grass, all she could think was how much like Earth this planet looked and felt. Although she didn't know this, this was because Golgafrincham and Earth had virtually identical environmental conditions. And the reasons for this will soon be made clear...

Slartibartfast led her to a cave in the side of a small hill. "We'll find the archeological expedition in there."

"What archeological expedition? I thought you were a time traveler?"

"Oh, my dear young lady. I've been many things over the years. You may not know this, but I used to design coastlines. I even worked on your planet Earth. Norway. That was one of mine." He was about to go on about the lovely crinkly edges, but stopped himself, because whenever he did reminisce about his masterpiece, everyone else around him tended to sigh, roll their eyes, or sometimes just get up and walk out of the room. So he stuck to the subject at hand, "But right now I am assisting an archeological expedition on this planet. Have you ever thought about the connection between time travel and archeology?"

"That was my question. Why dig things up and make educated guesses about them when you can go back in time and see them in their prime?"

Slartibartfast sighed heavily. Young people! He rolled his eyes. "That is precisely the sort of thing that Camtim was set up to prevent in the first place. We must only engage in responsible time travel. Now if you're quite finished with your foolish ideas..."

Fenchurch held her hands defensively, "All right. All right."

She followed the old man into the cave in the side of the hill. He switched on a small torch that lit up the entire cave. About fifty feet in he stopped at a large roundish pit in the cave floor. It was pure black. "How far down does that go?" she asked.

"Forty-two miles." She eyed at him suspiciously. "No, really, it does. Come on." And he stepped out over the pit... and floated slowly down. He floated down so slowly he had time to turn and notice that Fenchurch was not following him. So he quickly added, "It's quite safe, as you can see. They've installed a minimal gravity field."

She edged forwards nervously. She could still clearly see the old man and his torch floating down deeper and deeper into the black pit. She looked around and found a small rock. She held it over the top and was about to let it go to see if it too floated slowly down, when she realized that if it didn't, then Slartibartfast would get quite a nasty bang on the head. So she tossed the rock off to the side, held her breath, brought one foot forwards, and very slowly took her weight off her other foot.

It was only at moments like this that she was reminded of the fact that her feet never actually touched the ground anyway. She was a natural born flyer. She could never figure out why that was. But it was something which she and Arthur used to do in the skies above Islington regularly... her own personal Halcyon days.

Still hovering at the top of the black pit, Fenchurch rotated slowly so that she faced down, and then just let herself drift down after Slartibartfast. She could still easily make out the light below her, and so floated down at an even pace with that.

#

It took nearly half an hour, but eventually they came out into a tunnel. The tunnel sloped gently down for fifty metres or so until it opened up into an enormous cavern.

It was the size of a cathedral for giants. It was well-lit by artificial lights hovering about the caves, and it was covered in stalagmites and stalactites. Slartibartfast pointed out the different coloured layers of rock on the walls of the cavern. "You see these different patterns? That's the giveaway."

She really felt she ought to be interested in things like geology, but she had no idea what the old man was talking about. "The giveaway for what?" she asked.

"For it's artificial origin. This particular pattern in the rocks has been here since the planet was built. It's as distinctive as fingerprint patterns which are only ever found on the more primitive life forms."

Fenchurch took a moment to fume in the privacy of her own head about that remark. And when a moment later she decided that it wasn't all that bad, and that Slaribartfast was a nice old man and hadn't meant to insult her, she finally realised what it was he had said about the rocks. "Wait. Don't you mean when this planet was formed?"

"No. I mean when this planet was built. As I told you, I used to design planets. This was clearly one of ours. That's one of the reasons they asked for my help."

"Who?"

It was only slightly improbable that the answer to her question stepped around the corner at that precise moment. "Them," Slartibartfast said. "I'll introduce you. This is Zarniwoop and this is Zaphod Beeblebrox."

Fenchurch shook Zarniwoop's hand politely. Then she hesitated as she looked into the eyes, and then the other eyes of Zaphod. "Zaphod Beeblebrox," she said. "The Zaphod Beeblebrox?"

Zaphod got this reaction all the time. Or at least, he believed he got this reaction all the time. He held out his three arms for Fenchurch to behold him in all his glory.

She went on, "You're the one Arthur told me about."

"Arthur? The monkey man? Hey, how is he?"

"I don't know. I was hoping you could tell me."

"No idea, baby. I haven't seen him since the planet Krikkit like two years ago."

"Er, that was ten years ago, I'm afraid," Slartibartfast corrected him.

"Ten years? Wow. I must've been having an even better time than I thought."

Fenchurch tried to hide her disappointment. Yet another person who knew Arthur, but couldn't help her find him.

Even Zaphod could see the disappointment on her face. "Hey, I'm sure he's all right," he told her. Then he tried to think of a reason why the primitive, tea-fixated Earthling would possibly be all right. He tried to think of a single reason why Arthur could take care of himself in a galaxy as big and hostile as this one. Some example of his bravery he had witnessed that would give Fenchurch a reason to believe in his safety. Something. Anything. Even a day when he wasn't completely pathetic. A passing comment that could be misconstrued as being even mildly brave. But absolutely nothing came to mind.

So he changed the subject, "Hey, thank Zarquon you're here though. We've been waiting for you. How about we give you a tour of the dig, you dig?"

She nodded. Why not? What else did she have to do with her time?

They escourted her through the enormous cavern and adjacent caves. There were five main caves in all. Each one had artificial lights floating around in them. They introduced her to a couple of junior members of the team who were simply university students doing clean-up work for college credit, and there was also a small collection of menial robots used for digging.

They sat down at a table set up with samples of rock they were examining. "So what is this dig all about?" Fenchurch asked.

Zarniwoop explained, "We've been able to determine that this planet's original population died out about two million years ago. It has since been colonized by other beings. So we had to ask their permission to dig here."

"And why was I brought here?"

Zarniwoop slipped easily into lecture mode, "Earth people," he looked directly at Fenchurch and nodded, "your ancestors, are directly descended from Golgafrinchans; the people who evolved here on this planet. Slartibartfast," he gestured to the old man sitting at the table with them, "was able to confirm for us what we had originally suspected, that Golgafrincham was built by the Magratheans. It was designed by the computer Deep Thought. And it was done simultaneously with the creation of your own planet Earth.

"For eight million years both planets continued on, running their apparently independent organic programmes. But then suddenly life on Golgafrincham died out, and at nearly the same time the dominant life form on Earth went through a sudden dramatic shift. It turns out that the much more advanced people of Golgafrincham sent a space ship of refugees to the planet Earth, which caused the indigenous population to die out. At first we had assumed that their presence on your world had ruined the experiment. You know about the experiment, do you?"

She had heard Arthur go on about it often enough, "Something to do with finding the question to the final answer to life, and everything."

Zarniwoop nodded, "Exactly. The answer we know to be forty-two. The Earth was in fact a computer designed to find the question to that answer. And it now appears that the Golgafrinchans were a part of the plan all along. They were meant to colonize your world.

"And seeing as you were there moments before the programme was complete, the question must be buried in your subconscious."

Zarniwoop turned to face Fenchurch like some lawyer reaching the crescendo of a lengthy and damning accusation, "Therefore the question that is buried in your subconscious is in fact the right question after all! The ultimate question of life, the universe and everything!"

But before anyone could applaud his summing up, or indeed yawn derisively, Zaphod said, "Hey, you know, I'm not too sure about that. Back when I was captaining the Heart of Gold, we found this dude Prak. And he told us that you can't know the question and the answer in the same universe."

"That's just a theory," Zarniwoop tried to assure him.

"But Prak had been given an overdose of this truth drug stuff. He only knew it because it was the truth."

Zarniwoop said in a tired voice, the one he used frequently when dealing with Zaphod, "Did Prak say this was definitely the truth? Or just that it was a possibility?"

"Uh, he didn't seem too sure. He was really out of it, you know?"

"Thank you."

Fenchurch asked, "I have a question. If both planets were built at the same time, how come the Golgafrinchans were building space ships two million years ago, and my ancestors were still living in caves?"

Zaphod said condescendingly, "Well, you know, some people are just slower than others. It's nothing to be embarrassed about."

Zarniwoop ignored him and explained, "This planet is equipped with psychic wave interferon emitters which can direct the forces of evolution up on the planet surface. And these wave emitters only work on certain life forms. Life forms that have already been designed by the same computer programme."

"But how can a psychic wave thing direct the forces of evolution? I thought evolution was determined by adaptation to specific environments?"

"That's true. But the interferon emitters influence life forms to want to live in different environments that will gently shape their evolution. For example if the plan was to have a race covered with fur, they will simply want to go and live in the colder climates. Then those who adapt well to the cold, will want to spend more of their time... you know... procreating.

"And that's the main reason we asked Slartibartfast to bring you here."

Fenchurch's eyes popped out, "What? Procreating?"

"No! We'd like to test the psychic wave interferon emitters on you to see if they work."

"What? No, thank you."

"It's quite all right," Zarniwoop assured her. "It won't hurt at all."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, of course."

"Will it have any lasting effects?"

"There's absolutely no reason why it should."

"That wasn't a definite no. In fact it sounds a little like our governments we used to have back home. They'd test things on civilians and assure them it was perfectly safe, when really they were just anxious to see what it would do to them."

"That was on Earth?"

"Yes."

"I can't really say I'm surprised."

She sighed. She didn't seem to have much choice at this stage. But then this was all pretty exciting. They were dealing with the origins of her world on a scale that had simply never occurred to her. And they seemed rather more intelligent than malicious. Well... at least Zarniwoop and Slartibartfast seemed intelligent. She looked over at the kind old man... who shrugged. "What do I have to do?" she asked.

They brought her over to some oddly shaped boulders. Zarniwoop and Slartibartfast worked the control panel which was disguised as a small group of stalagmites. Zaphod stood safely behind them and looked interested. They pulled the stalagmite levers and the nearby boulders hummed with energy.

Fenchurch suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired. She lay down on the cave floor, with just enough strength left to say, "Let me know when you're finished, please. I'm just going to take a quick nap."

"Sleep?" asked Zarniwoop. "Are you tired?"

She nodded, yawned, and shut her eyes.

They switched the machine off. And suddenly Fenchurch opened her eyes again. "How are you feeling now?" they asked.

"Fine, thanks. Did I sleep long?"

"No. And you weren't actually that tired. We simply put that thought in your head."

Fenchurch got to her feet. She felt slightly embarrassed. "Well," she said, "I'd say that it works."

"Yes, it does. In the meantime we still need to confirm what the ultimate question in your brain wave patterns actually is." Zarniwoop turned to holler into a nearby side cave, "Hugo!"

Fenchurch saw a man walk over from the adjacent cave. He had long black hair, wore black leather trousers and open jacket, which exposed his chest and stomach, and had what looked like some kind of tattoo on his forehead. But as he got closer, she saw that it was in fact a small moving hologram of some kind.

"This is Hugo. He's an android. He'll be scanning your brain waves."

"You have an android whose sole function is to scan me?"

Zarniwoop shot an embarrassed look over at Zaphod. "Not really. Originally Hugo had... well... another function. But we're having to make due with what's available." He turned to the android, "Hugo, would you be so good as to scan this young lady's brain waves and find the ultimate question to life the universe and everything for us, please?"

Hugo rubbed his palms together and grinned, "Oh, you bet I will."

Hugo and Fenchurch sat down across from each other at the table. The android looked deeply into her eyes for several seconds... before finally saying, "The ultimate question? Okay. Well... I can see something about... something very important... called... the clitoris."

"Hugo!"

"Sorry. But it is important to her."

"We didn't say important," Zaphod chastised his android. "We said ultimate! Okay?"

"I'm sorry. Let me try again..." He resumed staring. Fenchurch began to feel uncomfortable. Was this android reading her mind? What else would he come up with? Finally Hugo spoke again, "Um... here it is... What do you get... if you multiply... six by nine?"

There was a definite relaxation round the cave. There were smiles. Hugo held out his hands in a gesture of extreme full-of-himself-ness. Zarniwoop began shaking everyone's hands. He then stood in the middle of the group and announced, "I think that confirms all we've discovered, gentlemen, and lady. Earth and Golgafrincham were both computers working separately but in conjunction with one another on the ultimate question to life the universe and everything. And Fenchurch here," he put a gentle hand on her shoulder, "is the final product of that experiment. And now we are the first to know with certainty that the ultimate question to life, the universe and everything is; What do you get if you multiply six by nine? And the answer to that is forty-two."

After the initial wave of scientific giddiness had washed over them, Zaphod had to ask, "I still don't get it, man. Is that like a metaphor for something? Or do mathematics work differently depending on what state of mind you're in? Maybe we should get really drunk and think about it again."

"Um... I'm not exactly sure what it means," said Zarniwoop thoughtfully. "But it's our job to find out."

Fenchurch asked, "Could this have something to do with sudden revelations or with flying?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I know it sounds odd. But my feet don't actually touch the ground. And also, right before the Vogons blew up the Earth, I had this amazing revelation about how to make everything nice. So I wondered of perhaps Earthlings were on the brink of some kind of quantum leap in evolution. Maybe we were about to become spiritually enlightened and natural flyers. Think of it; a whole planet full of people flying around and with knowledge and wisdom that everybody else in the galaxy has only ever dreamed of. And then maybe Earthlings could have been the only ones to understand the ultimate question and the ultimate answer. And it would have been up to us to explain it to everyone, like priests. We would have been the spiritual leaders in a new and more beautiful galaxy."

But Zarniwoop just shook his head. "No, I'm afraid not. That's just ridiculous."

Fenchurch shrugged a resigned shrug. "Or maybe not. Okay," she sighed.

Everyone got up to go, but Fenchurch held them back, "Just a minute. I still want to make sure I understand exactly what's going on here. So Golgafrincham... this planet... was another super computer as well. But this one mainly had the task of making these more technologically advanced people and then sending them on their way. It was made by Magrathea." She turned to Slartibartfast, "So how come you had to look at the rocks to confirm that part? Didn't you know about this?"

"No, I'm afraid I didn't know about it. We did have the occasional secret black project going on. Oh, there may have been the odd rumour or two floating around at the time about some sort of backup plan should the Earth fail, or something along those lines. But nothing more than that."

Zarniwoop added, "The theory I'm working on is that the people who lived here were intentionally driven mad. And then they were alienated and made to go and colonize another planet. And then everyone else who stayed behind suddenly died out because the computer programme clearly had no further use for them."

"But that's horrible!" Fenchurch cried. She looked to the others for some kind of confirmation.

Slartibarfast nodded vaguely.

"It is horrible," said Zarniwoop. "And it's one of the many horrible things we're hoping to expose," said Zarniwoop. "The people of the galaxy must know about this."

"Right on," Zaphod agreed.

Everyone stood around in silence, absorbed in their own thoughts for a few moments.

Finally Hugo asked the group, "Would anyone like a cuddle?"