CHAPTER 8

Fenchurch woke up early. She crawled out of her tent and walked groggily over to the main area of the camp. It was perpetually dark in the caves. So she had no idea if it was early morning, or the middle of the night. But her body was awake, and for the experienced space traveler, that was the only reason one needed to get out of bed.

Nobody else seemed to be awake yet. And as she stood there near the dining area wondering what there was to eat and how she was meant to get it, she heard a tone... a warbling tone that seemed to be flying around her like it was some sort of drunken fly which was humming a song it had trouble remembering. She instinctively swatted in the direction of the tone. Then the tone changed very slightly and formed words, "Please don't swat at me."

"What?" Fenchurch didn't know it, but she was speaking to an intelligent sound. It was called a Doodle-e-do. In its relaxed state the Doodle-e-do was a low, warbling tone. It could speak by altering its continuous tone into different words.

"What are you doing?" Fenchurch asked the air in front of her.

"Making everyone breakfast." Then she heard it say, "Breakfast: on."

"Can I help?" Fenchurch asked.

"I already did it. The consumables creation devise is voice-activated. So no help is required here. Thank you."

#

By the time Fenchurch was finishing her toast, the others had all risen from their own tents. They joined her at the table for a quick bite, and then got on with their own work. Work for the two students seemed to consist of a lot of holding tiny little pieces of rock up close to their faces and squinting at them. For the project heads, Zarniwoop and Zaphod, work meant sitting around arguing over what conclusions they could draw from the little bits of rock.

It had all been so exciting yesterday when they had explained everything to her. But then yesterday they were simply summing up the conclusions of all the work they had accomplished so far. And now they were back to work. The boring bit.

So Fenchurch went up to Zarniwoop and Zaphod and asked if there was anything she could do to assist. But they had students to do the digging, and robots for the clearing up. She asked hesitantly if they needed to scan her any more to prove any more of their theories. And they said that they had already scanned her all they needed to, thank you.

And as she wandered around the subterranean dig, Hugo began following her around asking her repeatedly if there was anything he could do to assist her.

"No, thank you," she told the android.

"Are you sure?" the android asked hopefully.

"Yes, I'm sure," she insisted. And in fear of a repeat of the night before, she simply hurried on away from Hugo as quickly as she could.

Finally she reached the pit leading up to the surface, and simply leapt up into it. She wasn't sure if it was her own ability to fly, or if this was how the minimal gravity field was supposed to work. And then it occurred to her to wonder why nobody had bothered to explain it to her. Clearly they hadn't reckoned on her ability to fly. She was probably missing some obvious point that everyone else in the galaxy would simply have known.

There were times when she really did feel like a lost puppy. So why had nobody adopted her yet?

She walked out of the cave and into the bright morning sunlight. This planet really was remarkably like the Earth. The landscape was breathtaking in its simplicity. Gently sloping hills covered in lush green trees and tall cool grass. Just what a planet should be. She sat down and drank in the view around her. Was this just the most gorgeous planet ever? Or was she just far more homesick than she knew? A small insect with large wings, a lot like a butterfly flew by. She stuck out a single whimsical finger, and the colourful little insect set down gently on her fingertip. It seemed to glance at her. She wasn't sure, but it seemed to share something deeply spiritual with her. Something that perhaps a more primitive creature could have recognized better. She felt more at peace than she had in years... at least since reading the Message with Arthur.

#

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say about the beauty of the various planets hitchhikers might come across in their travels. There are the twin worlds of Safasass Magna with its ringed twin planet sitting proudly in the sky overhead, which has inspired poets and lovers for centuries. The planet Orientahchuss whose skies are filled with winged creatures nearly a mile across, flapping their way slowly through the air in vast herds as they migrate north and then south every year. There are dark planets orbiting round ultra-violet suns making the thick, fluorescent foliage glow in brilliant hues. There are worlds that have natural springs of good vibrations, which star travelers will seek out, and then bliss out. Skies that dance with colourful auroras, and oceans of wobbly Jello-like liquid. There's also the gas giant Lewnellious which is in fact an intelligent life form. Its surface patterns changing in response to the mood of those nearby who have colonized the planet/life form's moons.

And there are beautiful experiences on different worlds as well. On the planet Grobnie Gebnie 13, home of the Glabuwellons who have water running through their brains, there are lakes where hundreds of Glabuwellons go swimming, with the water enabling them to share their thoughts and memories with one another. Hitchhikers who aren't used to such a profound sharing of thoughts are warned that off-worlders have occasionally drowned due to the overwhelming nature of the experience. So hitchhikers are warned to take water wings with them.

But most impressive of all is the planet Flourificus which is so beautiful that it is actually beyond description. Many star travelers have tried over the centuries to tell others about the sights they have seen there. But none have ever been able to provide an adequate description of the planet. Of particular interest on Flourificus is the Valley of Heradrah, which is so beautiful that... over the centuries... the male star travelers have inadvertently flooded the valley with a lake of semen. The Guide of course also cautions female star travelers from ever going swimming in this lake for fear of the natural consequences that would then follow.

#

Fenchurch sat on a small hill enjoying the view of the valley below, when she noticed Slartibartfast off to the side, heading in the direction of his ship. She quickly dashed down the hill and caught up to him, "You're not leaving, are you?"

"I'm afraid I have a errand which I must to run."

She fell into step beside him, "Archeology, coastlines or time travel?"

"Bureaucracy, I'm afraid. I must go forwards in time to when my time machine's registration has expired and apply for a retro-active registration."

Fenchurch wasn't sure if this was another of his attempts at humour or not. So she just ignored the dropped and went on to something else, "But you're not going to just leave me alone with these people, are you? I barely know them."

"But you barely know me, Earth woman."

Fenchurch had to admit that this was in fact true. But Slartibartfast was a whole hell of a lot more comforting than Zaphod, Zarniwoop, or that sex-mad robot Hugo. He stood still, turned to face her and put his two reassuring hands on her shoulders, "I'll try to return some time tomorrow."

"But you have a time machine. Why don't you just come back moments after you leave?"

The old man sighed, "Have I mentioned that I work for the Campaign for Real Time?" And he went away slightly cross.

Fenchurch hesitated a moment, unsure if she had made him genuinely cross or not. So she returned to her place on top of the grassy hill, and watched him board his ship. The ship then lifted silently into the air. Then he was gone. And for some reason, she no longer felt entirely safe.

#

Eventually she became bored with the beautiful landscape and headed back to the dig. But before she could get there, she saw another flying craft of some kind. It hovered in the air over her head in what seemed to be a menacing way. Who could it be? But then she remembered that Zaphod and Zarniwoop had said they had asked for the rights to be here, so everything was clearly legitimate. The craft came in lower and slower. And then it landed in front of her. And somehow it managed to land aggressively. She tried to tell herself that there was no way a ship could land aggressively. It had just set down. It didn't come skidding down. It didn't gun its engines like a driver who was angry enough to gun their engines, but somehow too embarrassed to actually honk their horn. But still... she that it was best to just walk away... quickly.

A moment later the ship lifted off, moved ahead of her and landed in front of her again. So once again she changed direction and headed away from the ship. Then the ship lifted off, and hovered directly over her, and a voice came down from the ship, "Will you tell us in which direction you're going, please, so that we can land in front of you?"

She pointed to the left, then immediately headed off to the right. The ship, fortunately for her, landed in the direction in which she had pointed. A small ramp extended, and seven small beings clambered down onto the ground, frowned angrily when they saw a distant Fenchurch heading away through the trees, and then ran to catch up to her.

They were each about three feet high, covered in deep forest green feathers, and had large, beak-like noses.

When Fenchurch glanced over her shoulder and noticed them coming up behind her, she stopped, more out of curiosity than worry. She was actually about to let herself think that they were cute as they waddled up to her and then stared up at her with their beady little black eyes. But then they pulled out their guns and pointed them up at her.

"Hold it," one of them said.

"Yeah, hold it," another confirmed, in case there was any confusion.

"Is there a problem?" Fenchurch asked.

"You are. You are alien. Aliens are not allowed. Not allowed. Get into the craft." They gestured towards their ship.

"Er, you do know, don't you, that I'm with the archeologists," Fenchurch protested. "Over there in the caves under the hill."

They nodded, "We know. We will have to come back for them."

#

The little bird-like aliens transported her to a nearby town and locked her up in a prison facility. As they emptied her pockets, the guards took Sparky the clam from her and put him in a box of confiscated items. But when Sparky began complaining very loudly, they realized that he was a sentient life form, and so they locked him up with Fenchurch again.

#

The next day the rest of the expedition were captured and locked up as well. Zarniwoop, Zaphod, Hugo and the two university students were locked up with Fenchurch.

Mid-way through the day, a minor official waddled into the room and looked up at the prisoners. "Who's in charge," the little alien asked. Zarniwoop stepped forward. He explained to the green feathered being that they had already requested and been given permission to dig here. The alien said that they had to have it in writing. Zarniwoop explained that it had been explained to them that it didn't have to be in writing. And the little alien explained that it did indeed have to be in writing and only foolish aliens who didn't know anything thought otherwise. And he went on to explain that they now had to pay fifty Altairian Dollars... each. Zarniwoop spent a further hour trying to explain things to the little alien. Unfortunately he tried to use reason and the law, when all the little alien wanted was a bribe from the rich off-worlders.

Zaphod even tried to help. Unfortunately his help consisted of explaining who he was and the fact that they ought to be quite impressed by this. But eventually the little alien grew weary of not receiving his bribe, and left the cell.

"Who are these bird people," Fenchurch eventually asked. "Where do they come from?"

"They're called Pahkapohs. They colonized this planet some millennia ago. They originally came from the planet Kakapoo."

Fenchurch blinked a few times as she steadied herself for her next question, "The planet what?"

#

The Pahkapohs from the planet Kakapoo colonized the planet Golgafrincham several thousand years after the planet's original inhabitants had fled or been wiped out by a virulent disease contracted from an unexpectedly dirty telephone. The Pahkapohs were three foot high beings with thick green feathers, large beak-like noses, and with little beady black eyes. At least... that's how they appeared after their standard cosmetic surgery. Left on their own, they would be four foot high creatures with thin yellow down on their backs, with little beady black eyes. They had originally evolved from birds, and had even once had the power of flight. But as they evolved, they gradually became more intelligent, which served to protect them from predators. With intelligence, they could build weapons to harm predators, or walls behind which to hide from predators. Both of which were far less energy-consuming than actually flying to safety had been. And so over the years they eventually lost the power of flight.

Unfortunately they were also very superficial. And once their anthropologists discovered that their ancestors had been birds with the power of flight, and once they also discovered the joys of cosmetic surgery, they soon began altering their bodies. And they became obsessed with re-gaining the power of flight. Over the centuries they began to merge their fashion industry with their religious beliefs. And eventually their fashion-consultant-priests deduced that back when they were birds, they must have had the appearance which God had intended for them. And they also deduced that it must have been their own immorality which then made God take away the gift of flight.

And so they began to surgically alter their bodies to fit this religious ideal. Unfortunately this ideal was just too radical a difference from what they naturally looked like. And so they ended up with a sort of flightless, bird-like compromise. And they also began to worry if perhaps they were doing the right thing. They also assumed that other races were probably asking the same questions about them. And so rather than stop, they decided that it was their holy mission to alter all other life forms as well. So whenever they encountered members of another race, they would capture them, and (even if they were drastically different, with a different number of limbs, came from a planet with a significantly higher or lower gravity pull) the aliens were always altered to look like the holy image of small green bird people.

Enforced evolution was not a new idea. As we have already seen, the Yah-yahs, (which were the lemur-like beings Fenchurch had encountered back aboard the GSS Suicidal Insanity), tried to keep their race polite by programming their computers to respond only when the operator would say, "please." Similarly, several million years ago, there were also the Gorgonons of Siserplentuous Twelve who tried to keep their race intelligent by only selling furniture that had to be put together by hand... which then lead to houses and even vehicles only being sold as kits. Unfortunately the end result of this was that pretty soon only a very small number of Gorgonons actually had anything that worked, or indeed a place to live. This had the effect of creating a subculture on the planet Siserplentuous Twelve which rejected the high technology, and returned to nature where they eventually re-evolved into a primitive ape-like race.

Several million years later the higher technologically advanced Gorgonons filled their zoos with their distant cousins, who enjoyed just sitting there and throwing their poo at them.

#

The next day Zarniwoop, Zaphod, Hugo and Fenchurch were each made to wear a head-dress made of day-glow green feathers and were brought into a courtroom. The Pahkapoh court-houses were in fact a mere annex of their churches. At first they felt silly with their day-glow green feather head-gear. They even wondered if it was some sort of public humiliation to which they were being subjected. But once inside the courtroom, they saw that everybody wore them.

In the courtroom was a local television crew from the reality series, "Check Me Out!" Which was actually a blatant rip-off of the previous, and far more popular reality series, "Tell Me I Look Beautiful." The host came up to them before the trial began and said, "We'll be recording you since you're evil icky aliens who are not created in God's image."

"Hey," said an indignant Zaphod. "You're the only unpleasant aliens around here, you know."

"That's perfect," the host said, genuinely thrilled. "Conflict always gets the ratings. Just keep on sounding ignorant, okay?"

Then their defense council, Father Roob Anstruther arrived. He was a bit smaller and a bit portlier than the other Pahkapohs they had encountered so far.

After introducing themselves, Zarniwoop asked, "Where are our two students we had with us?"

"The university posted their bail. They've gone home." Roob then pulled some books out of his briefcase, including, You and Your Appearance by Twirdle Bank-Spot, as well as the best-seller, How to Look Fantastic Under Any Circumstance, Even After Waking up Hung-Over in a Dirty Alley by Gung-Ho Leviathan, and Winning Your Case in Style by Pirp Squeal-Heart.

"Listen," he said after finally emptying his brief case on the table before him and then dropping into his chair with a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry I'm late. But I had so many things to do this morning that I've been putting off for the last few days, and it all just hit me this morning. I really have to manage my time better." Then he started to count off on his fingers what had made him late, "First off I had to go collect the mail at my office..."

Zaphod held up a hand, "Hey, man, does this have anything to do with us?"

Father Roob realised he was wasting their time, smiled at how stupid he was being, and said, "I guess you're right. Sorry. I do that a lot, I'm afraid. But it was a really heavy couple of days. First I had to get my mail, like I told you. Then my friend Daldo died a few days ago. I had to speak at his funeral." (Fenchurch, Zaphod and Zarniwoop were suddenly sympathetic.) "Then I had the contractor come over and do some work on my floor. That floor is seventy-five years old. My parents had it put in by a guy they knew from when they were kids, can you believe that? And anyway this contractor, who had to drive for three and a half hours to get to my house, told me that the floor had started to turn to liquid, because of the lining material used in the plastic." (Fenchurch, Zaphod and Zarniwoop were starting to lose some of their sympathy at this point.) "He had to get some new plastic from Prakichum... that's the moon farthest from the sun. And when he finally finished, I had some friends come over last night to celebrate the new floor. We planned to walk on the new floor for a couple of hours when one of them got stuck in it!" He laughed at his "friend's" misfortune. "We had to call for help. The rescue team arrived, and they weren't sure what to do, and meanwhile he's sinking up to his stomach!" He was laughing so hard at this point in his tale that he was almost unintelligible. "And while all this is going on, the food for the party was getting cold. So I had to put it back in the heating unit, which I bought last year when there was a sale at the appliance store. It was the store over in Ringing Harbour. I used to go down there when I was a kid..." (Fenchurch, Zaphod and Zarniwoop managed to move from sympathy to loathing at this point... Hugo however was developing a slight crush on the bird-man.)

And fortunately for all involved, the instant after Zaphod decided that murder was the only way for him to stay sane, but the moment before he could actually act on that impluse, the bailiff commanded, "All sit!" Sitting was of course their Pahkapho form of respect. They reasoned that someone is only truly giving their full attention if they're seated comfortably. And it also put them in a position where they had to look up at the judge.

The judge, His Holiness, Cardinal Feather-Spoon, entered. The court all shouted, "Fine plumage!" Zarniwoop, Zaphod and Fenchurch had just enough time and presence of mind to mutter a half-hearted, "... plumage," an instant later. Hugo however added, "Damn fine plumage." Cardinal Feather-Spoon stood before the court, puffed up his chest and strutted back and forth a few times before perching himself at the head of the courtroom.

And then the door at the far side of the court room opened. And representing the Lord God, in walked the attack council... His Grace, Harl van Garl. And upon seeing his legal opponent, Father Roob Anstruther launched himself at him. The two fought fiercely for several seconds, feathers flying in all directions. And then with no apparent signal for them to stop, and no apparent victor either, the two suddenly ceased their combat, turned and sat down at their respective tables.

"What was that all about, man?" Zaphod asked.

Father Roob said simply, "Just opening deliberations."

Judge Cardinal Feather-Spoon called the court to order, then gestured towards His Grace Harl van Garl. Van Garl began his attack, "My friends, as you all know, we were created by God. Not in His image. But rather as His masterpiece. As He saw perfection. And He created us with the holy method of evolution. Evolution is sacred. And those who transgress the laws of God must be punished."

Zaphod stood up and shouted, "Hey, I object, man! I would think that this God dude should be capable of taking care of Himself and anyone who offends Him. Who are you to interfere?"

Hugo's eyes bugged out, "My goodness, that was manly of you."

"Hugo..." Zaphod uttered wearily, his moment of self-righteousness completely deflated.

Judge Feather-Spoon puffed up his chest feathers and squawked, "Council will kindly keep their clients under better control." He let his chest feathers slowly settle down. Then he said in a more conciliatory tone, "However, in the interest of interspecies good relations, perhaps the council for the attack would be good enough to explain the court's views to our ignorant visitors."

"Very good, M'Lud. I am His Grace Harl van Garl... representing the Lord God. I am His duly appointed lawyer. It is my legal and holy duty to see to it that the will of God is carried out. And that those who oppose Him be brought to justice. As the court knows, I have successfully sued the Hagunenons for evolving too quickly, as well as ninety-seven individuals who have engaged in personal flight. Flight!" he said in disgust. "Transgressors of the law of gravity! God's law!" Fenchurch shrunk down. His Grace Harl van Garl darted his beady little black eyes in her direction. He knew. Somehow he knew!

"We have read the reports from these so-called archeologists. We now know what they are up to. They are preparing a learned paper to suggest that evolution is not in fact the will of God. But rather that it is controlled through a machine!"

The court began hooting and cawing angrily.

Van Garl went on above the noise, "And there's more!" He suddenly rounded on Fenchurch, "This alien can fly!"

The hooting and cawing reached insane levels of volume.

The attack council continued his rant above the angry crowd, "She can fly! In direct violation of gravity, which is the will of God!"

Roob spoke up, "Objection. Clearly my colleague's mind is moulting." The noise in the courtroom died down. Everyone looked at Father Roob expectantly. He then held up a defensive hand and laughed nervously, "Not really. Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't use the world moulting. But it is not very well known that the very nature of gravity is still a point of contention. I refer you to the work of Doctor Peregrin Poindexterous who's current theory suggests to us that gravity is not in fact pulling. But rather it is a force created by vacuum that pushes towards mass."

The judge shook his head. "Overruled. Doctor Poindexterous has been found guilty of stupidity."

Harl van Garl addressed the judge, "I ask that this flying alien be put in the conscience verifier."

"Let it be done."

The bailiff gestured to Fenchurch to come forwards. She gave a worried look to their defense council Father Roob, who tried to avoid eye contact. So she followed the bailiff.

He escorted her to a metallic booth on the side of the courtroom. She stepped inside, and was bathed in a warm light. She waited nervously. But after a moment, she relaxed. It wasn't so bad. In fact it felt a lot like a relaxing shower.

#

The conscience verifier booths used by the Pahkapohs on the planet Golgafrincham actually interfaced with a person's own conscience. An image of the person placed in the machine would appear on a screen on the outside of the booth. The image was in fact that person's conscience personified. Questions would then be asked, and the conscience would answer with complete honestly. In this way they were able to find out a person's true feelings without fail.

Or rather, almost without fail. When the devise was eventually tried out on politicians to determine whether or not they were suited for running for political office, the Pahkapohs found more and more of their politicians to be self-seeking, corrupt criminals. Until there were virtually none left. After a while the politicians that were left made the use of these machines on political leaders illegal, citing forged documentation from unqualified scientist friends of theirs, which claimed that the conscience verifier booths caused brain damage... but only to the type of person who runs for political office. And so for the common people in a court of law, their brains were of an inferior kind and would therefore suffer no brain damage.

#

In the courtroom, Fenchurch's face appeared on a screen on the outside of the booth. "Name?" His Grace Harl van Garl asked.

"Fenchurch."

"Occupation?"

"Currently unemployed."

"Can you fly?"

"Yes, I can."

"Has this archeological expedition shown you machines which they claim can influence the forces of evolution?"

"Yes, they have."

Van Garl spread his feathered arms, "Open and shut! I rest my case!"

"Council for the defense?"

Father Roob Anstruther began pacing the courtroom. "M'Lud, I would have to ask for a postponement of these proceedings. As the court knows, I haven't been in the best of health lately. I actually have some paper work from my personal physician stating that my weak heart is acting up again. And this could have something to do with the flooring that's been going on in my home recently, as I explained to my clients. You know that house of mine. If it's not one thing, it's another. And the contractor I hired keeps claiming that he doesn't have the right tools with him. I can't tell you how many times he had to go away and come back..."

"Council will kindly stick to the case."

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry. M'Lud, I would like to ask for a postponement of these proceedings."

"For what reason?"

"Well, honestly I'm just not feeling too well. I have this thing where I have an urge to walk on tip-toes. It's strange, M'Lud. I was planning on seeing a neurologist. But my medical plan doesn't cover paranoid hypochondria. So I sent in an application for a new plan with 'Skin n' Bones' medical insurance. You know the commercials? The ones with the girl with the long legs..."

"Objection!" shouted His Grace Harl van Garl. "The council for the defense is an idiot. I move that he be gagged."

"It is so ordered," the judge said. He then motioned to the bailiff, who grabbed the struggling Father Roob, and roughly fitted a gag over his mouth.

Everyone in the courtroom sighed with relief. The judge then puffed up his chest plumage and began strutting in front of the court again, "It is the decision of this court that the aliens are guilty of flagrant disregard of the will of God. They are to be taken from this place where something truly revolting is to be done to their bodies. Said truly revolting act is to be video-taped. Said video-tape to be sold in all markets. The proceeds of said video-tape to be contributed to the foundation for annoyed judges."

And he dismissed the court and went to go take a nap.