CHAPTER 9

Fenchurch, Zarniwoop, Zaphod and Hugo sat in their cell. The cell consisted of four bedrooms, a living area, kitchen, dining room, two lavatories, patio and a shallow wading pool perched at the top of large column (obviously a bird's idea of a bath). Zarniwoop was reading a book on the history of Pahkapoh life here on Golgafrincham. Zaphod was sipping his latest alcoholic creation he'd made at the cell's built-in bar. And Fenchurch was trying to wrest the television remote control from Hugo, who wanted to watch the local pornography channel all day.

There was a discrete knock on the door. And then a little green bird-man waddled in. They had seen several officials and several guards since their incarceration, but they hadn't met this fellow before. He took one look at the four captives, winced in apparent pain, and said, "Oh, dear. Losers. I knew it. I am Rollo Acrock, the leader of this planet."

Zaphod felt a challenge. He set his drink down, came up to little bird-man, and like a duelist, he parried with, "Well, I am Zaphod Beeblebrox, man! Bird," he amended a moment later."

"Oh, my word. How frightfully obnoxious you are," said the little bird-man.

"Me!" Zaphod countered. "Hey, man, there must be some kind of bug up your butt."

Fenchurch was slightly startled to hear an Earth expression out of the mouth of Zaphod. But in fact, it wasn't an expression at all. What Zaphod was actually referring to was an insect called the Zowlfeeler bad vibe anal blow bug of Zirkle Tronious 11. The Zowlfeeler bad vibe insect actually did blow bad psychological vibrations, also known as bad vibes. And the females preferred to lay their eggs in a moist, warm environment. And they had an unusual preference for smells that most other life forms in the galaxy found to be thoroughly unpleasant. (This was actually a survival strategy which usually served to keep their eggs away from predators.) So when several of the first star travelers to settle on Zirkle Tronious 11 became more and more unpleasant, so much so that several of them actually had to be shot, post mortems revealed that their rectums were in fact filled with these insects, which had been blowing bad vibes into them.

It is interesting to note that repeating the phrase "bad vibe blow bug" over and over as quickly as possible eventually became a warm-up exercise for sub-etha radio personalities.

Rollo Acrock, as it happens, did not have a bug up his butt. He merely had a superiority complex. He smiled as he approached Fenchurch. "And who are you, might I ask?"

"Fenchurch," she said simply.

"How do you do, Fenchurch? You're very pretty if you don't mind my saying so."

"What if I do mind your saying so?"

"Then you still are, but you didn't hear it from me."

He turned to address the others, "I am here to offer you a deal... If you show us how to use the evolution emitter devises to help us alter our physical appearances, we will let you go. In the meantime, I wish to study this young lady and her ability to fly."

Fenchurch was about to protest. Back in the courtroom it was made quite clear that evolution and gravity were two of God's most important laws. And now here they were trying to bargain for the secrets to defying both! But just as she opened her mouth to say something along those lines, she also realised that this was probably the only way they could get out of this situation alive. So she closed her mouth again

"I wonder," Rollo Acrock said to her. "Would you like to come away with me?"

She looked down at the little person speaking to her. He was more or less identical to all the other Pahkapohs: three feet high, covered in green feathers, and with a large, beak-like nose. "No, thank you," she said, mostly confused at the extra attention he was giving her.

"Now, don't be so quick to say no."

"I'm afraid I already have. Anyway what on Earth could I possibly get out of it?"

"It would stop me from keeping the original sentence in regards to your friends. And I would let them continue their archeological studies here on our planet."

Zaphod smiled, "Hey, hang about there, Fenny-doll," Fenchurch winced. She hated being called Fenny. "This dude might not be as bad as he looks, you know?"

She said, "But if I go off with this... person... I wouldn't be able to assist you at the dig."

Zaphod and Zarniwoop gave each other uncomfortable looks. Zarniwoop finally said slowly and hesitantly, "Well, as it happens we've already got everything we need from you. But we thank you for all your cooperation. Rest assured, we'll put this new scientific knowledge to good use."

"Oh," she said. And then with as much anger and sarcasm as she could muster, "Thank you!" And she followed Rollo to the door.

"Wait!" Hugo ran up to her, "Here. I want you to have this. Something to remember me by." Fenchurch couldn't believe what he had just put in her hand. So she quickly stuck it into her pocket. She patted the android's arm affectionately, "Goodbye, Hugo." Then she turned and followed Rollo out the of the cell.

A few minutes later the usual waiter and accompanying guard entered the cell with Zarniwoop's and Zaphod's meals. Zaphod watched the waiter set their food down on the table and turn to go. "Just a second there," he said nervously. "I thought we were gonna be let outta here, pronto. Your leader dude just gave us the all-clear, you know?"

"You will be released some time tomorrow, after you've undergone surgical alteration."

"Alteration! But we are gonna be set free... right!"

"Of course. But only after we've corrected your physical short-comings."

#

Fenchurch followed Rollo down a couple of corridors, through a door and into... his bedroom. This didn't look good. He saw her worried expression and held up two placating hands. "Don't worry. I'm not going to force myself on you. But of course I wouldn't be too surprised if you forced yourself on me," he said in what he imagined to be a sly grin. "The truth of the matter is I'm just tired of forcing myself on women. In fact I'm tired of everything! You see, I've finally achieved everything I've ever wanted." He then started counting off his accomplishments on his fingers, "I've tortured and killed all who have opposed me. I've outlawed wearing your underpants higher than your trousers! And now I'm just bored. Bored, bored, bored."

He waddled up to Fenchurch and looked up at her. "Did I mention I was bored?"

"Yes, I believe you did," she said agreeably.

"And then you came along," he said. "And apparently you can fly! That's fantastic! We've been slowly altering our bodies for centuries in order to try to regain the gift of flight. But you can just do it!"

"Well, I don't see what you want me to do about it. It's not like I can pass on the secret. I don't even know how I do it. All I know is that my feet don't touch the ground."

"Oh, that's quite all right. I shall study you. I shall scrutinize you. And then I shall know the secret of flying. I like a good challenge."

They both heard a muffled voice from Fenchurch's pocket. She reached in and pulled out Sparky the clam. "Let me have a word with the bird, Boss."

"Be my guest."

Fenchurch held the clam down towards Acrock. And Sparky began, "If it's a challenge you want, I'm sure we can find ways for you to challenge yourself."

Rollo laughed at the idea. This little clam clearly had no idea of just how accomplished Rollo actually was. "I'm afraid that challenging me would be too much of a challenge for you... if you see what I mean. Trust me."

"You've done everything that you want to do?"

"Yes, of course I have." He knew that the clam was trying to manipulate him. "There's nothing you can suggest that I wouldn't be able to do. Say it, name it, and I can do it."

"Really?" Sparky said doubtfully.

"Try me," Rollo said challengingly.

"Then become a philanthropist," Sparky said.

Rollo felt as though he had been coasting down hill on a pair of hover skates, and suddenly slammed head-first into the butt of a thirty ton mega elephant. It took him several seconds to extricate himself from the metaphorical anus in which he suddenly found himself. It took him several more seconds to get out the single word, "What?"

"Do good deeds. I dare you."

Rollo tried to recover, "You're only saying that so that I will let you go. You are transparent."

"My motives don't matter. You wanted a challenge, and the challenge is there. Can you do it or not?"

He steadied his chin, "Well, of course I can do it. I can do anything."

"So do it."

"Yes," Fenchurch added. "Do it. As a matter of fact, I dare you too."

Rollo remained quiet for a few moments, running several different scenarios through his head to be sure it was do-able. Finally he nodded, "All right. I'll do it. But you're coming with me. Both of you."