You're The Reason I'm Alive;
Chapter Three:
He walked toward me, grinning, I crawled back, but the wall hit my back, I was captured in the corner. He grabbed my chin, and pulled my face forward to face his own.
Evil green narrow eyes, stared at my teary ones, I knew that I had black circles of melted kohl mixed with tears, he sunk his nails in my skin, I flinched at the pain and tried to remove his hand from my face, but he grabbed my wrist, and twisted it in a painful angle.
I screamed for help, but he closed my mouth with his hand and pushed me against the wall.
-Say a word and you're dead Kaulitz!
I closed my eyes, tears escaping my shut eyelids, I nodded holding back a cry, would it be stupid if I told you that I wanted to scream "Oh brother where art thou?"
I was wearing a shirt that day, he easily tore it up, revealing my slim pale torso; he grabbed my waist and tossed me onto the ground, I moaned as I hit the floor.
He jumped over me after taking off his shirt, he forced a bruising kiss on me, I tried to shake my head, but he was way stronger than me, fixing my two hands with one of his over my head, and holding my face still with the other, while he laid his knees on my thighs so I couldn't move.
His crotch was rubbing against mine, and I could feel the bulge in his pants enlarging, as he went on kissing my neck.
Nibbling wouldn't be accurate he was brutally biting me; I didn't dare to scream, so I sobbed quietly. He placed hot kisses down my chest, as he unzipped my jeans and pulled them down, he easily stripped me naked afterward, I was gasping for air, but his heavy mass over my delicate body, was stifling me, I looked down and realized, he had stripped himself from any clothing article, save for his socks, grabbing my shoulder, and hip, he flipped me on my stomach, my head hit the floor hardly, and I could sense the blood, trailing down my nose.
Mike parted my legs, and I was crying in panic, as he thrust a finger inside me, without any lubrication, I jumped in pain, as I tried to move away, but that was impossible, shortly after, another finger followed, and the third.
I wasn't adjusting to them like I should, nor did I got a bit more flexible, so he pulled his fingers out. And then came the sudden, unbearable pain, as he entered me with his full length, he thrust once, and I cried in pain, clinching my fingers together, so hardly my knuckles went white.
I moaned, in pain and pleasure, he smiled and thrust harder after few thrusts, I knew I was probably bleeding, he arched my shoulders, and pulled my hair toward him, as he thrust harder and that's all I can remember I probably just fainted from the pain.
Tom's P.O.V
I was mad at Bill, for making our last seconds….yes words failed me, mad, anger, fear; I didn't know what to feel. And I knew Bill was just as afraid as I was. But in some point I had the most dreadful feeling, I needn't confirmation, to realize that something is wrong with Bill, we were still in the car; dad had this weird paranoia from Planes so we had to drive all the way to Hamburg.
As I sat in the backseat, I looked outside at the road; it was as dull as my heart.
I hated the feeling I had, I knew Bill was in trouble, it's every bully's chance to beat up "sissy boy" since he's alone now.
-Tom, are you okay? You seem worried.
I glare at him angrily, and went back to my thoughts. I heard him sighing, and the look of guilt was obvious
But he should feel guilty.
-So what? You won't talk to me anymore?
-Do you even care? You've already proven that you don't care what I feel, why do you hate Bill so much?
-what? I don't hate Bill, why would you say that?
-You're always ignoring him, yelling at him, choosing me over him, if only you know the shit he goes through every day.
-What? I don't hate your brother; I just think a small town like Magdeburg would be a safer environment for him.
-Because what? He's too girly? What?
-I just think he won't be understood in Hamburg, and you know big city boys are rough!
-Whatever.
-Tom……
I didn't answer; I closed my eyes, and tried to figure out what's wrong with Bill.
Bill's p.o.v
I woke up in the bathroom, I don't know how nobody found me yet, I got up, flinching at the sharp pain in my ribs, and my butt.
I grabbed my clothes, put them on quickly, I got a tissue, dipped it in water, and wiped away the blood trails down my nose. And then I cleaned the melted makeup.
I looked at my watch; it was almost 3:29 pm so I headed home.
I was surprised, that I managed to hold back my tears all the way home.
I walked in the kitchen, she wasn't home, I took that chance, and ran upstairs, I locked the door; undressed myself, filled the tub with hot water, and some liquid soap, and I got in. and I cried.
For long years, I took emotional abuse, insecurity, hate, and all that shit, but I survived because of Tom, now Tom is gone, I'm being raped, and he doesn't even know that. I sighed, as hot tears trailed down my cheeks. What is the purpose of my life?
After dinner, which went quietly, thankfully she tried to talk to me, but when I didn't answer her, she didn't push me.
I opened my laptop, and decided to email Tommi, if I told him, it'll break his heart, but if I didn't he'll know eventually, and he'll be pissed off, and broken hearted, he will know eventually; so I better tell him myself.
Dear Tom;
Waking up, knowing you're not here, feels like I was incomplete. Eating breakfast without you; was so pointless. Going to school without you………..Mike raped me, he hurt me so badly, but no pain could be as cruel and dreadful as living a life without you. I can't do this, I just can't. I didn't tell mom about mike, I haven't spoken to her since you left. When you left you were mad at me, I hope you're not anymore. This is too much for me to handle, I don't think I can survive in this world…….
Not without you, I know as I'm typing those words, that tonight I'm going to have nightmares. But you won't be here, to hold me. To stroke my hair, to tell me everything will be okay, you were my everything, and now, I'm lost, drifting in this hell they call life. I just want you to know one thing; I love you, always and forever.
"You're the reason I'm alive, I'm the reason you're alive; for eternity, part of your soul I shall be."
Yours truly
Bill.
I clicked send, and threw myself on the bed, I stretched a hand to my nightstand, and grabbed a book, it had my bands' lyrics in it…………..
I opened a random page and read the title "In Die Nacht"
In mir wird es langsam kalt
wie lang können wir beide
hier noch sein
Bleib hier
die Schatten wollen mich holen
Doch wenn wir gehen
dann gehen wir nur zu Zweit
Du bist alles was ich bin und alles was durch meine Adern fließt
Immer werden wir uns tragen
Egal wohin wir fahrn egal wie tief
Ich will da nicht allein sein
lass uns gemeinsam
in die Nacht
Irgendwann wird es Zeit sein
lass uns gemeinsam
in die Nacht
Ich höre wenn du leise schreist
spüre jeden Atemzug von dir
Und auch
wenn das Schicksal uns zerreißt
Egal was danach kommt
das teilen wir
Ich will da nicht allein sein
lass uns gemeinsam
in die Nacht
Irgendwann wird es Zeit sein
lass uns gemeinsam
in die Nacht
In die Nacht irgendwann
In die Nacht
nur mit dir zusammen!
Halt mich sonst treib ich
alleine in die Nacht
Nimm mich mit und halt mich sonst treib ich alleine in die Nacht
Ich will da nicht allein sein
lass uns gemeinsam
in die Nacht
Irgendwann wird es Zeit sein
lass uns gemeinsam
in die Nacht
Du bist alles was ich bin
und alles
was durch meine Adern fließt.
A tear found its way down my face, as I read this, I loved this song so much, because I wrote it for Tom, and he loved it. It was my way of telling him that I loved him, I looked out the window, and wondered….what is he doing now?
And thinking about Tom, I slowly drifted to sleep, the worst day of my life is over, the only thing that would be worse, is the rest of my life.