CHAPTER 10

Several armed guards forced Zaphod, Zarniwoop and Hugo into a room, the looks of which they didn't like at all. There were knives, scalpels, drills, and a collection of other sharp instruments which they couldn't immediately identify. There were spare body parts floating in liquid-filled glass containers... and several operating tables with heavy-duty leather restraints.

"Hey, what is all this, man?" Zaphod asked, desperately hoping that if they had to say out loud what they were about to do to him that they might somehow become too embarrassed to actually do it.

Unfortunately he was way off. "We're going to surgically alter your bodies to be more in line with the will of God," said one of the surgeons as he sharpened a long and serrated cutting implement of some kind.

"We were told that you were going to let us go," Zarniwoop protested. "We did a deal with Rollo Acrock himself! We were going to show you what we've learned about the psychic wave interferon emitters!"

"That's after we fix you up," the surgeon said with a smile.

"But there's no need to do this," Zarniwoop went on.

"Why not?" the surgeon asked, genuinely taken aback.

Zarniwoop hesitated. "Well..."

The surgeon leaned in closer and shot his beady little black eyes at Zarniwoop's face. "I'll have to get back to you on that," Zarniwoop eventually said.

The surgeon went back to his tools on the other side of the room. Zarniwoop whispered to Zaphod, "We've got to think of way to get out of here!"

"It'd better be a good reason if you want to convince these people, man. They're religious fanatics." And then a moment later Zaphod brightened up, "Hey," he said excitedly.

"Did you think of something?" Zarniwoop asked.

"I sure did. Listen, these people are obsessed lunatics, right?"

"More or less," Zarniwoop said, hoping that none of them were near enough to over-hear their conversation.

"So let's not waste our time thinking up a good reason for them to let us go. Why don't we come up with an obsessive, crazy reason!"

Hugo pitched in, "How about we need to be set free so that I can go out and abuse the local lady birds!"

"That's crazy, man."

"I know! Exactly!" Zarniwoop shot Zaphod a "see what you've done?" look. Still enthusiastic, Hugo went on, "And of course the bonus is, if they believe me, I can actually go out and do it!"

But before they could develop their plan any further, the armed guards forced the three of them down onto the waiting operating tables at gunpoint. And then they were strapped down.

Zaphod and Zarniwoop were extremely nervous. Hugo however seemed to be enjoying the whole thing. "This is fantastic! Where have you guys been all my life! Are you going to abuse me?"

"No, Hugo. They're going to turn us into bird people."

"Wow! I wonder what it's like to be a bird?"

Zaphod thought about this for a moment, "They moult, they lay eggs. Sounds dull, man." Then another thought hit him, "Hey, man, if we wait here long enough, maybe they'll all have to go and migrate or something."

Then they heard a familiar tone. It was the Doodle-e-do! The intelligent sound life form. It had come to rescue them! Zarniwoop and Zaphod felt hope surge through their bodies like a hot drink on a cold morning. Zarniwoop then felt a quick pang of guilt as he realised that it hadn't even occurred to him to worry about the Doodle-e-do since their capture. It could have been dead, silenced forever, and it hadn't even crossed his mind to wonder if it was alive. He made a quick mental note to remember to be nicer to the Doodle-e-do in future.

One of the surgeons took out a hand-held machine of some kind, analyzed the tone made by the Doodle-e-do, and emitted an identical tone from the machine a fraction of a second out of phase, thus killing it with phase cancellation. The tone ceased. The surgeon set his machine down and got back to his surgical preparations.

"Well," said Zaphod. "That was nice while it lasted."

Then the students came in. Not the archeological students who had been working with them in the dig. These were Pahkapohs, and they were medical students here to study the cosmetic alterations performed by the surgeons. They came over to the tables and looked at Zarniwoop, Zaphod and Hugo like they were specimens in a jar. They whispered to each other, "I wish that I had studied for this. But that party last night, man...!"

"Oh, I know!" the second student agreed enthusiastically. "Did you see when Sarligag belly-flopped into the keg-pool!" And the two students stifled a laugh, eying the nearby surgeons, hoping they hadn't noticed their rather unprofessional attitude. Unfortunately for them one of the surgeons did notice, and cast a disapproving glance in their direction.

They stopped snickering. But the whispering continued, "They're not going to make us do any actual cutting so soon, are they?"

"I hope not. I can't stop from shaking whenever I see blood."

"Oh, I just know I'm gonna puke if I see blood this morning."

The surgeons came over to the operating tables.

Behind Zaphod's, Zarniwoop's, and Hugo's heads, they heard the motors of heavy machinery start up. The students joined the surgeons, and none of them could be seen at this point. They could only be heard...

"Does anybody know what this devise is?"

There was a pause.

"Nobody?"

There was another pause.

"Damn. I was hoping you could tell me. I keep finding it here in the operating theatre, and I never know what to do with the damned thing."

"It looks like it goes in the patient. Like... (whoever was speaking at this point strained as though they were contorting their body) maybe it goes in there somewhere."

"Don't be ridiculous. Why would we want to insert such a thing there?"

"Well... we could always try it and find out."

"I don't think that would be very responsible. So, which of you knows the first thing to be done in an operation of this sort?"

"Knocking out the patients."

"Do you mean anesthetizing?"

"Yeah. Anesthetizing the patients."

"And how do we do that?"

"With one of these?"

"Did you two study for this?"

"Uh..."

"This is for removal of the brain!"

"Oh, right..."

"This is for anesthetizing."

"Oh, ow! Doesn't it hurt?"

At this point they heard the door at the far side of the room slide open. "It's all right," said an older voice on the other side of the room. "It's only me."

The surgeons grabbed some sharp instruments and charged at the old man who had just entered... and then froze. They went from a run to an absolute statue in mid-stride. "Oh, that's a relief," said Slartibartfast. "The pause button does still work."

The medical students held their hands up defensively and edged around Slartibartfast and out the door... where they immediately began running.

"Hey, Slartibartfast, man, are we pleased to see you!"

"Hello," the old man said casually. He came over to their tables and un-strapped the three of them. "Shall we go?"

"What about Fenchurch?" Hugo asked.

"Oh, she'll be all right," Slartibartfast said. "Apparently I end up taking her to a restaurant."

"Hey, what!" Zaphod blurted out. "The rest of us are about to be surgically altered to look like a bunch of birds, and you decided to take the Earth girl out on a date! And I thought I kept a cool couple of heads."

"No, it's nothing like that. And anyway, I haven't actually done it, you see. At least not yet."