"God doesn't forbid anything at all."

The Feeling

Why? Why am I feeling so lonely in such crowded space? My lips are dry. They hurt. Matsumoto just came into the room… She's here, with Abarai. She takes a quick glimpse this way and he hugs her… I guess I deserve it. My awkwardness towards her kept getting bigger throughout time… but I couldn't avoid it. I'm messy when it's about my feelings. I cannot express myself properly… I'm so immature. While she… leaves me speechless. If I could just remain here staring at her for eternity… I would.
- Shiro-chan, let's go.
Hinamori and I are getting closer to her… She grabs her hand and she turns. The long red hair twists around her shoulders; her sweet expression… I want to… I want to say it. The big blue eyes turn, she's looking at me… I want to have her, to own her… Stop stalling… tell her… ask her. I try to make a sound, but nothing comes out… "Stay" in a silent way… that's all I can mumble… She keeps staring at me… maybe she's finding me awkward today.
- Hinamori-kun… Seika's already made up her mind. We should wish her good luck.
Abarai's words… I can't look at her anymore… Not with him holding her. I look away. As everyone scatter to get some drinks, I stay stuck with Hinamori by my side. When Seika laughs I feel the urge to laugh as well…
- Why are you looking at Seika that way?
- What are you talking about… It's nothing.
It's everything.
- Then why can't you look at me the same way?
Because I don't feel the same way…
- Nonsense, Hinamori… I don't feel anything towards Seika… I'm just concerned about her.
I don't anything else but the love I crave for her.
- Oh, I'm sorry Shiro-chan…
She kisses my lips again. When she stops, I notice Seika is alone on the other side of the room.
- Hinamori, I need to have a private talk to Seika-san. Can you please wait by the others?
- Captain stuff, right?
- Ye.. ah..- I stutter.
As Hinamori joins the others I make my way through the room. She is pouring hot tea into her cup.
- Hum…
She turns her head at me unexpectedly. We smile at each other.
- Why… hello captain. It was a big crowded back there… we didn't get the chance to talk properly.
- I didn't want to interrupt your moment… So… Are you really going to Tokyo?
- I guess Matsumoto big-mouthed that…didn't she?
- You should learn not to trust a secret to Matsumoto…
We both nervously laugh. I grab a cup and Seika pours tea into it.
- Thanks.
- You welcome.
Silence. We look at the table wondering what to say next.
- I don't know if I should do this… and maybe this is not the proper time to say so, but… before I leave I want you to know… that my feelings towards you are different from the average.
I look at her holding the cup next to my lips. The steam is burning my eyes, but I'm anxiously waiting for her next sentence. She doesn't look at me.
- Sorry to keep you in the dark for so long.
- Are you… serious about what you're saying…?
She stares at me. I look at her while putting the cup down.
- Maybe I shouldn't have said that…
The room begins to fill up as several people arrive at the farewell party. But still… while we look at each other, there's nobody else in the world.
- We're so different from each other… and you love Hinamori.
I lack words. I can't talk. I'm overwhelmed. She loves me.
- I thought… you loved Abarai.
- I don't.
People approach us. Seika turns to them. What shall I do… I… I want to hold Seika, but I don't wanna hurt Hinamori.
- Seika… Can we go outside?
- Sure. Excuse me; I'll be back in a moment.
I follow her to the back garden. The place is silent and bathed by the moonlight. We're alone. She sits on the balcony above the pond. I sit next to her.
- You can speak now.
- What you said inside… I still find a hard time believing it.
- Well… Just ignore it then. Don't get all logical about this sort of thing.
- How cruel… You have no idea how I feel about you.
I watch my reflection tremble along Seika's.
- Hinamo…
I grab her hand. My cold hand embraces hers igniting a bond I thought I had lost moments before. I don't want to let go… please don't let go.
- I don't want to let go.
- Toushirou.
I smile. She calls me by my first name and I love it… for the first time.
- You have Hinamori… It's not fair to her.
She tries to let go but I grab it even harder.
- I'll end it… just… don't leave.
Her hand slips below mine as she leans towards me. Her lips kiss mine with tenderness. I can feel the love flowing through her movements as I caress her mouth. It's intense… I don't want to stop… but she stops and stares. Inches from each other, a tear drop falls right in between her cheeks.