You're The Reason I'm Alive

During dinner we went down, and decided to start our plan.

-Dad?

-What?

-I want to stay here...in Magdeburg.

-And I want a pony.

-Haha! Very funny! I'm serious, I'm not leaving Bill again, I don't care what the two of you think, we did it your way, and Bill got hurt, let's do it the sane way now.

-And where are you suggesting we should live?

-The Wentz's house is for sale.

I looked at him as i caught a piece of broccoli in my fork trying to get Bill to eat it. I saw dad take a second to think about it, he liked the idea, and I couldn't believe it!

He took a look at Bill and saw the bruises on his arms and face, and I'm sure he was way too overwhelmed with guilt to pass the idea without thinking of it.

-Okay, but I thought you hated Magdeburg….

-Yes, but I still love Bill, you know!

And I stuffed the broccoli in Bill's mouth, but he spat it in my plate……..baby! I whispered.

-Okay I can't promise you anything, but tomorrow I'll call and see if we can afford the house.

I looked at Bill knowing that his excited wide grin reflects my own.

We finished dinner, talking about random subjects to take Bill's mind off of the trauma he suffered, and after dessert we ran upstairs.

-Bill don't you have any homework?

-Shut up and turn off the lights! The school gave me a week off; I'll enjoy it staring at you!

And he winked like a whore….typical Bill. I grabbed my guitar and sat on his bed, tuning it.

-Play In die Nacht for me. And he batted his lashes with a poppy eyes look…please?

-Only if you sang it…baby brother!

And he flicked his tongue at me. I started playing the riff and he began singing the song he once wrote for me, his angelic voice mixing beautifully with the guitar sound. Creating pure perfection. He placed his head on my shoulder and looked at me singing…..he always looked at me when he sang "In die Nacht." When the song was over, I carefully placed my guitar on the floor, and the pick on the nightstand. And threw myself back on the bed. Bill held my hand and hugged it, tightly. I had something that I really wanted to know, but I hesitated because I didn't know how Bill will react; finally I got the courage to ask...

-Are you still in pain? I whispered in a small voice hugging him. His face, lit only by the moonlight, looked at me with a not-so-happy expression.

-Just a couple of bruises that hasn't healed yet.

I didn't know how to answer, so I quickly changed the subject.

-Well, I'm off to my bed…goodnight.

And just when I tried to get off his bed a small manicured hand held mine with some power.

-Bill? Let go!

-Stay with me! I'll have nightmares alone.

I sighed and got back in his bed; Bill pulled a blanket over me, and cling to my neck as he buried his face in my arm, in an awkward position.

The next day I had to get Bill to go out, so I woke him up and head to the shower. I took off my clothes, but just as I looked behind me, he was standing naked…three inches away from my face.

-Bill? What the fuck?

-Nothing! What? We shower together all the time!

-Bill we showered together when we were three because mom thought it was cute, so please stop being a pervert and wait for me to finish. All the sudden Bill's face turned red, and his eyes went teary, oh how I hated when he manipulated me like this. But I couldn't possibly resist such beautiful iris. And so i allowed him to shower with me…..creepy!

After shower, I wrapped a towel around my dreads, to absorb the water. And I got myself some underwear, a clean baggy shirt, and some X-large pants, socks, and my sneakers, I finished changing, and went back to the bathroom. I was surprised when I saw Bill staring at his reflection in the mirror, in the same position I left him in fifteen minute ago. I slowly walked toward him, and placed my hand over his shoulder, and squeezed gently.

-Hey, you need to get dressed Billa.

He didn't move his eyes from the mirror, he was staring for a while, which scared me a bit, then after a minute he made a face.

-Do you think I'm ugly?

I didn't know whether I should cry or laugh, Bill once had the greatest self esteem, and now……he's a broken scared little kid.

-No! We're identical, and look how gorgeous I am, this means you're good looking too.

Instead of laughing he looked down, and examined the cuts, bruises, and scars over his once perfect body, then he looked at the mirror again, and tears started trailing down his cheeks. I didn't know how to react; I just held him close and let him sob in my chest, rocking him back and fro.

-Do bist alles was ich bin, und alles was durch meine Adern fließt.

He looked up at me with teary eyes….expressionless. I held him close in a hug.

-Let's get you dressed, and then we can go get some breakfast.

He nodded and walked out the bathroom with me, I opened his closet, which I never really liked, and got him a pair of skinny jeans, and a hoodie, it was the only thing that I liked among his clothes. I got him some underwear, socks, and some converses. And placed them all on his bed, where he was sitting.

-Do you want me to help you?

-He nodded, expressionless.

I pulled off his towel and started putting on his clothes, he acted so numb, and it scared me a lot, my brother who was once life itself, is now numb!

I watched as he sat like a statue, not moving, just staring into the space, and I wished it was me that Mike raped, at least I can handle physical and psychological pain better than Bill.

-Let's go downstairs.

He nodded and got up, all the time looking at the floor, I didn't get the sudden mood change, just yesterday he was playfully happy, and almost the same Bill he was before the incident, but now, he's acting as if he was stolen from himself……and from me.

During breakfast I tried to open a conversation with him, I didn't care about the topic, I just wanted him to get out of his emo bubble, but the best interaction I got was a nod or a tiny fake smile that lasted for a fraction of a second.

I drank my coffee, and waited for Bill to finish eating, and when he was done, he came and sat on the living room couch, hugging his legs close to his chest, and burying his face in his knees, I walked toward him and put my arm around him, but he didn't react, I heard a small quite sob, and I whispered in his ear.

-Do you wanna go upstairs?

He stood up, and walked toward the stairs, hands flailing around as if he was lifeless. Before I followed him I heard my mom whisper my name. So I went to see what she wanted….

-What's wrong with Bill today?

-I don't know.

-Don't leave him alone okay? You're the only one that he'll talk to, so try to get him accompanied all the time.

I nodded and went back upstairs, when I entered Bill's room, and saw him reopening the cuts with a blade….

-Bill!

TBC.

I hope you liked this chapter, thank you so much for reading it, don't forget to review, it really makes my day to see a review, and it only takes a few seconds.

Merna.