CHAPTER 13

Fenchurch stretched and yawned. She reached over and picked up a nearby kawlbah fruit. She took a couple of bites, tossed it away and rolled over onto her back. She turned to look over at Sparky sitting in the sand beside her. She frowned as she worried over a thought that had been nagging at her. She opened her mouth to speak, spent another few seconds frowning at this worrying thought again. Then she finally said, "You know something, Sparky... I keep thinking it's Tuesday."

"It's whatever day you say it is, Boss."

She nodded at this new way of looking at things, rolled back over onto her stomach, rested her cheek on her arm, and went back to sleep for another couple of hours.

All in all it was a typical day. She had been doing a lot of dozing in the warm sand on the beach in the past month. Of course she wasn't sure exactly how long it had been. She'd been sleeping away so much of her time.

She was all on her own, aside from Sparky, on a tiny tropical island on the dolphin planet Screeeee. And it was a beautiful little island. Absolutely idyllic, with lagoons and plenty of shady kawlbah trees. It was a very hot planet, but where Fenchurch's island was situated in the very northern hemisphere, it was not only tolerable, but was in fact ideal. For at this latitude, and because Screeeee didn't tilt very much on its axis, the sun was almost continuously just sitting on the horizon, making for an almost perpetual sunset, giving her some spectacularly beautiful skies. She found that the sun went down very rarely from her latitude; only for three or four hours a day. And she very quickly became lazy while on this planet... the sort of lazy one gets when they're on holiday, and all they want to do is sleep, nap, eat a bit, nap, eat a bit more, and then go to bed for the night. Sometimes she would even sleep for an entire day... but she wasn't sure, since the length of days was so difficult to judge at this latitude.

Occasionally when Fenchurch went paddling out some way, she would socialize with the nearby dolphins. And as they were all from Earth, it was almost like catching up with old friends. She got to know and love some of them as well. Most of them were sweet, playful, and fun. She told the dolphins that she had always felt a special bond between their two species. She mentioned stories she had heard about dolphins rescuing people who had drifted too far off the coast.

"Yes, that was part of our special coast guard volunteer organization," the dolphins explained to her. "We used to patrol the waters off the coast because we knew that you humans could get into trouble so easily."

Apparently the dolphin in charge of the island was called Mr Schwoom. Fenchurch could only think of him as a kind of landlord. But why he was letting her stay here rent free, she couldn't work out. She had only ever met him once. It was explained to her that he was a very busy dolphin with lots of responsibilities. However, Mr Schwoom's assistant, Blodgey was far more accessible. And it was Blodgey who was responsible for Fenchurch's day-to-day needs. He also kept the island tidy. And whenever Fenchurch needed to get a message to Mr Schwoom, Blodgey would deliver the messages. And he would always show up if she really wanted to talk to him personally. But she got the definite impression that she was one of his smaller responsibilities.

Blodgey, it turned out, could get her almost any kind of food she asked for, just by ordering it from a nearby planet that delivered. One day a thought struck her, and she asked the helpful dolphin, "Can you get me an Algolian Zylbatburger?"

Blodgey explained sadly, "No, I'm afraid not. We wouldn't be able to get you anything so gastronomically metaphysical."

"Oh," she said, disappointed. "It's just that I've heard they're quite good."

"Oh, good is not the word."

"So let me ask you something, Blodgey," she said. "I hope I'm not looking a gift dolphin in the mouth, but I'm curious about what you and Mr Schwoom get out of our arrangement."

"Mr Schwoom is in charge of this branch of the Campaign to Save the Humans. And I am his assistant. It is volunteer work."

And then it started to come back to her. She had heard those words before. Back on Earth when she had tapped her mysterious goldfish bowl and then listened to the sustained chime it made. Both Arthur and Wonko had one like it as well. This was the group responsible for bringing back the Earth after the Vogons had demolished it. And now here they were... taking care of her. "So I'm just a sort of endangered species?"

"Very endangered. Virtually extinct. But there are worse cases."

"Worse?"

"Back at the head office, we have a mucus membrane from a duck-billed platypus. That is all that remains of that species. Most of the species from Earth are just gone."

Things started to come together in her mind. "So this island is just a sort of nature reserve?"

"Yeah. It used up about all the remaining funds of the Campaign to Save the Humans."

"But you guys brought back the entire planet Earth at one point."

"Yes, we did. And that ate up nearly all the money we had. But those Vogons keep destroying it.

"We can't keep bringing it back. It isn't worth it anymore. Planets cost an awful lot to make. And then there's the whole business of re-populating it with exact duplicates of all the animal and plant life."

"And the people," Fenchurch reminded them.

"People are animals," Blodgey pointed out politely.

Then he went on to explain, "What small funds we had left were used up in renovating this island for you. In fact we recently held a fund raising dinner, but not enough people showed up, so they just barely made enough to pay for the dinner itself.

"However, there was a little something left over," Blodgey said. "Just enough to get you a gift."

She smiled softly, "A gift?"

"Yes. That towel we gave you when you first arrived."

Her smile faded, "Oh, that thing."

#

Several weeks crawled by with Fenchurch relaxing, eating, sleeping... relaxing some more. And then one day while she was busy swimming lazily through the calm, clear, shallow waters just offshore, a space ship came down out of the sky. And then she noticed that it wasn't just any space ship. It was Slartibartfast's ship the Time Flies. The five story tall spacetime craft touched down gently on the beach. The ramp descended, and Slartibartfast himself walked slowly down the ramp. He stepped down onto the beach and looked about.

Fenchurch was about to come running out of the water to greet him when she suddenly realized that she wasn't in fact wearing anything. It was mildly surprising to her how quickly she had gotten used to wearing nothing at all. None of the dolphins ever did, so she saw no reason why she should either.

She stuck her head up above the water and waved. The old man waved back. "Turn round," she called over to him. He did. He didn't see anything interesting there and wondered why she had asked him to face this direction. So he turned back to ask her... just in time to see her ducking back under the water again. With her head protruding above the water, she hollered, "Do you mind?"

Finally he understood, and turned around again. Facing the trees, he said over his shoulder, "I do apologise, Earth woman. It's just that I haven't seen a female body in so long that I had forgotten they were meant to be covered up." He added quietly, "I knew there was something wrong somewhere. But then I get that feeling a lot, you know. Usually it means nothing, so I've gotten used to ignoring it."

By that point she had waded ashore, picked up her nearby towel which the dolphins had given her, and wrapped it round herself, tucking it in just underneath her armpits. She marched up to Slartibartfast and poked him in the chest with an angry finger, "Listen, you. I was left with that crazy little bird-man Rollo Acrock. And I can't say I'm too happy about it."

"Who?"

"Rollo Acrock. The leader of the Pahkapoh people on Golgafrincham. You know... after you left," she finished lamely. It was only then she realised she was venting at the wrong person. Whatever else Slartibartfast was, he obviously wasn't cruel or unsympathetic.

"Never mind," she finally said. "Would you like something to eat? I can order almost anything. The dolphins bring it to me."

"No, thank you," Slartibartfast said. "I'm afraid I'm not here for a social visit."

"Then what can I do for you?"

"You must come with me. Great things are afoot. I'm afraid that we're both involved in a pre-destination temporal paradox."

"A what?"

He sighed. He hated pre-destination temporal paradoxes. He even hated using the words pre-destination temporal paradox. "It just means that we've already done something at another point in time even though there clearly isn't any motivation for us to actually go and do the thing in question. So we just have to sort of get up, brush ourselves off, and go and get on with it." And he thrust his fist into the air in order to appear enthusiastic about doing whatever it was.

"It may just be me because I'm not used to traveling through time," Fenchurch said. "But that sounds like the stupidest reason for doing anything I've ever heard."

Slartibartfast sighed and sagged his shoulder. "I know. I don't care for pre-destination temporal paradoxes very much either. It smacks too much of the universe not being creative enough. But then I think of the number forty-two, and I feel all right again."

"Do you?" Fenchurch asked skeptically. Aside from hearing Zarniwoop and Zaphod talk about it recently, she had also heard Arthur go on about the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything. But how it could actually bring comfort to anyone, was beyond her.

Slartibartfast explained, "You see, this universe doesn't really make any sense. There's no actual purpose to it. Not that life is pointless. I don't mean that. But rather it's more sort of musical. Music doesn't actually mean anything. It just is. It's to be enjoyed for what it is, not for what it means. And since the ultimate answer to this universe also makes no sense... makes perfect sense... if you see what I mean?"

"Sort of," Fenchurch said. Thinking that for a brief instant, she almost understood something profound. But then it slipped away like something dropped into a deep ocean. And anyway, there was just something so sweet about Slartibartfast that she didn't want to ruin the one small thing that gave him comfort in this universe.

A couple of dolphins poked their heads up over the surface of the water at that point and saw what was happening. They came swimming up very quickly and squealed angrily. Slartibartfast took out his remote control, pointed it at the dolphins, and pushed pause. The dolphins froze in place and just bobbed there in the surf. Then he turned back towards his ship. "Come along."

Fenchurch just stood there, "But you can't just leave them like that."

"Oh, they'll come un-paused after five minutes. They're perfectly safe."

They boarded the ship, and once again, Fenchurch found herself in the cramped cabin of the time vessel. As Slartibartfast started the engine to the Time Flies, he turned around to talk to Fenchurch squatting on the floor behind him in the tiny control cabin. "I wonder if you understand exactly what sort of temporal paradox it is we're dealing with here. You see, I haven't actually met you until just now. The first time you met me hasn't actually happened yet... at least for me. That lies at some point in my own personal future. And, um..." he tried to think of an analogy that would help the primitive Earth woman understand it better. Perhaps he could explain it by talking about eating food. Then he quickly realised that this would involve describing the food going out where it usually went in, and going in where it usually came out, and that this was no sort of conversation for a gentleman to have with a lady.

Fortunately Fenchurch leapt to his rescue by quoting Slartibartfast's future self, "Obviously we haven't met yet... for you. But for me, we have."

"Yes," said the old man. "That's it exactly. My, you are remarkably clear-sighted for someone from the planet Earth."

"Thank you. But couldn't we have a quick bite to eat first? I'm actually quite hungry."

"No. I'm afraid not. There's no time."

"But we're onboard a time machine."

"Yes." He hesitated. "I'm afraid the dolphins will be upset with me for taking you away from here. So I'd just like to avoid them if I can."

"Why would they be angry with you? I am free, aren't I? I mean I'm hardly a prisoner down there."

"Mm?" He tried to look busy at the controls as he took off.

#

Sparky the clam sat in the sand and watched the spacetime ship take off. He had figured that this would probably happen. And he was pretty sure about what would come next.

Several hours later the waves washed him out to sea. He quickly found himself on the sea floor. And he spent the rest of his life underwater, thinking quietly to himself... which was what clams did best anyway.