CHAPTER 14

The Time Flies moved backwards through time, like a great cosmic salmon swimming against the current. The trip took about two hours from the point of view of Slartibartfast and Fenchurch. After the initial return to normal bodily sensations, Fenchurch was reminded of just how hungry she was. "Will we have time to get some food, wherever it is we're going?"

"Oh, I should think so."

They walked down the ship's ramp and Fenchurch found herself in a very familiar spaceship carpark. "Just a moment. We're back at the Big Bang Burger Bar."

Slartibartfast said casually, "Oh, didn't I tell you that's where we were headed?"

"No," she said simply.

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

They moved along the walkway and into the restaurant itself. They walked casually past the reception desk where Slartibartfast uttered a quick, "We're here to meet friends, thank you," before the receptionist could protest.

They moved through the familiar restaurant, passing all sorts of aliens eating all sorts of food that only served to make Fenchurch's stomach growl even more.

As she followed in the wake of the old man, she thought about what he had said: that he hadn't actually met her yet. Well, that made a sort of sense. When she had first met him, he already knew who she was.

What a very confusing way to live, that must be. She thought about all the time traveling he must have done over the years. She wondered if it was much more confusing than all the space travel she had done. "Can I ask you," she said. "What is it that inspired you to want to be in this Campaign for Real Time organization thing?"

"Oh, dear. That's a very complex answer, I'm afraid..."

But before he could get any further, they found their earlier selves seated at the table where they had earlier encountered their later selves... so to speak.

The Slartibartfast sitting at the table looked up quite casually and said, "Can I help you?"

The Slartibartfast who had just arrived, the one who was encountering this situation for the first time, knew that the best way to avoid the second-guessing that goes on with temporal paradoxes was simply to state exactly what was on his mind, not try to figure out what he ought to say or what his other self might say or be thinking. "I'm afraid we've got to swap Fenchurches. I've only just met this one," he said, pointing to the Fenchurch he had brought with him from the dolphin planet. "And since you're my future self, you are clearly already acquainted with the young lady."

He turned to the Fenchurch seated at the table, "And you, I take it, have only just met the other me?"

"Well... yes."

"Splendid. So you can come with me, and your other self here can stay here with the other me."

The seated and clothed Fenchurch looked to the standing and towel-clad Fenchurch, "You're from my future?"

"Yes."

"Will it be all right?"

"Yes, of course." Her stomach growled quietly at that point. She was quickly reminded of that fantastic meal she had ordered for herself and had never gotten a chance to eat. She then added to her other self, "In fact it's urgent that you go right now."

"Well, it's not really urgent," the standing Slartibartfast said.

"Yes, it is," said the towel-clad Fenchurch. She then turned to her seated other self, "Trust me. Off you go."

The seated Fenchurch held up her hands and let them slap down onto her thighs in resignation, "All right." She got up, and watched her other self sit down in the chair she had just vacated.

"Come on, then," the standing Slartibartfast said. And the earlier Fenchurch followed him off through the restaurant.

The Slartibartfast still seated at the table, the one Fenchurch had met back on the GSS Suicidal Insanity, asked her casually, "I'm not sure I understand. Just why was it so urgent that you swap places with your earlier self?"

The waitress arrived at that point and set their dinners down in front of them. "Because I am starving! And I want to eat this Algolian Zylbatburger," Fenchurch said in answer to his question. And she began eating. It was fantastic. It was the best meal she had ever had. She felt a mini big bang in her mouth. A whole new universe opened up in her head. She could almost even taste the red shift as it expanded through and beyond her taste buds. In fact she almost passed out.

When she recovered from the first bite a few moments later, she looked over at Slartibartfast who was quietly enjoying his shrimp cocktail and chocolate malt. "You have got to try this!"

"Oh, I'm not young enough, I'm afraid. But I'm quite happy with this, thank you."

#

And then the universe began. The filters on the dome over their heads prevented everyone from going blind from the tremendous flash of light, but it still allowed in enough raw energy for them to feel the effects of the Big Bang in their bodies. It was a crash of light. But it moved through the bodies of everyone at the restaurant like a giant cosmic orgasm. It was an explosion to be seen, heard, felt, and known. It was a knowing on a psychic level that Fenchurch previously didn't even know she was capable of feeling. A new understanding rippled through her in a wave that almost overpowered her. She had to struggle for several seconds just to remain conscious. Fenchurch had never given birth before. But now she thought she had a pretty good idea of what it felt like... only a thousand times more. She was exhausted. She was elated. And she was also very thirsty.

She quickly downed a glass of water.

She turned to Slartibartfast, who was also looking like he'd just had the ride of his life. She said the only thing she could at that point, "Wow."

Slartibartfast was only slightly more articulate, "Well... good heavens."

Very slowly the rest of the restaurant's patrons recovered. They had all just had the ultimate shared the experience. They looked around to make sure that everyone had experienced the same thing. Some of them felt elated. Some of them felt slightly embarrassed. There was also a great deal of shame, gratification, bliss... and in once case there was guilt.

#

The excitement of the evening gradually died down. Even the creation of the universe itself could only hold people's attention for so long. Eventually people had to excuse themselves to go use the restroom, or simply go home and sleep.

But Slartibartfast stayed late, keeping an eye on a particular group of patrons several tables away. The people in the group he was watching had golden beards and green wings, and they all wore robes and sandals. And in the time that he watched them, they went through five large bowls of nachos.

Earlier in the evening they had been giggling like naughty children as they watched the empty sky overhead. They virtually bounced with elation when the Big Bang banged. But after a while they began to look uncomfortable. Then one by one they got up to leave.

Suddenly Slartibartfast got to his feet, "Come on. We must speak to those people."

Fenchurch tagged along.

They left the restaurant and went out to the walkway along the side of the spaceship carpark. They looked about for several minutes, but were unable to find any of the guys with green wings. "Let's head back to the restaurant," Slartibartfast finally suggested.

They opened the main doors and came face to face with one of the green-winged people they were following. Slartibartfast moved to block the man, "Might I have a word with you?"

The man with the long golden beard and green wings looked about nervously. "Oh, uh, yes, all right."

"It's just that I have reason to believe that you have some measure or responsibility for the main event that took place evening."

"Um..."

"And that you might therefore know something about the origin of this restaurant."

The man looked up at the nearby wall of the restaurant. He nodded slowly, "Well..."

"You see, there's been much debate about where this restaurant came from."

"Uh, huh."

"Can you shed any light on it... so to speak."

The winged man drooped his head. "I guess."

"Excellent." And then after a pause, Slartibartfast said, "We are listening."

"Well," the man began, "the thing is... my friends and I come here all the time. Great restaurant. We love the food. Eating is such a novelty for us. You see, the restaurant was designed for beings like myself who existed in a non-physical state. And we created physicality... as a sort of sport. And then we created time so that we could play the sport of physicality on the weekends. Then we created senses, sight and sound. And then we got bored with that, and someone finally came up with taste. So we put on our physical bodies and experimented with eating. And then we created this restaurant. Only when we first created it, we simply called it 'that place where we eat stuff.' And since the cooks and waiters were always notoriously slow here... well... we felt we had to create something to watch in order to pass the time. You know an explosion. Explosions are cool. But this one was a bit big. As you saw, it just went on and on. We had no idea where it would go and what would happen. So we figured we'd better get the heck out of here before we got into trouble."

"I'm sorry," Fenchurch said, shaking her head to try to let these new ideas in. "What are you saying?"

He shrugged guiltily, "I'm sorry. We just figured it would sort itself out eventually."

"Well, it never does," Slartibartfast said. "Where do you think all the rest of these patrons came from?"

"Yes. We did begin to wonder."

Fenchurch just wanted to make sure she understood what this guy had said, "Are you telling us that the restaurant is not here in order to observe the Big Bang? But rather that the Big Bang is here just to give you something to look at while you eat!"

"Um... yeah. Sorry for any inconvenience. I have to go. Excuse me," and he edged past them and out the door.

Fenchurch held the door open and watched him approach the walkway. And there she saw a familiar face. It was the Pahkapoh lawyer, His Grace Harl van Garl claiming to represent God. He approached the guy she and Slartibartfast had just spoken to, and the two of them talked for a few moments. And then the lawyer gave the guy his business card, and they parted.

She turned back to Slartibartfast. He hadn't been watching. He had gone over to the front desk for a mint. He popped it into his mouth and noticed her looking at him.

Neither of them knew what to do at that point. He shrugged, shook his head, and just flopped his arms uselessly to his sides.

Fenchurch could see that Slartibartfast was completely puzzled. Was it possible he didn't know? It wasn't very often that she knew something about the universe that other people didn't. "Tell me something," she said, trying very hard not to sound smug. "Have you ever been to the planet Preliumtarn, third out from the sun Zarss in the Galactic Sector QQ7 ActiveJ Gamma?"