As a reminder, x indicates flashback. Everything between the bold x's are the flashbacks. Sorry about any confusion.

But hope is just a stranger, wondering how it got so bad

I die each time you look away
My heart, my life will never be the same
This love will take my everything
One breath, one touch will be the end of me

You could be the final straw that brings me back to earth...

x

The idea hadn't really entered her mind at this point. Sure, she'd always wondered how it would feel to be like Neji and TenTen, like Kakashi and Sakura, and even (if not as violent) like Shikamaru and Temari. To be so close to somebody, to touch them and truly feel them. To have somebody look forward to seeing her, to cherish any words exchanged...

But marriage was far from her mind. She simply wanted to be with Gaara, to spend time with him and let him know that hey, there's at least one person (besides Naruto because he was a special breed anyway) who'll overlook your past and the things you've done and the things you were, because who you are and what you are now is what matters.

And that was the Gaara she'd fallen in love with.

She wasn't sure when it had happened, really, but as the months turned into years and the bonds between the Leaf and the Sand grew and strengthened, she'd witnessed sides of Gaara that she never thought possible. The absolute loyalty he had for his people, the power her used to protect them and benefit them, these were the telling signs of a truly good man with a truly good heart. He'd never use anything or anybody for personal gain; it was never about him, at least not anymore.

She almost felt as if the Gaara she'd met at the Chunnin exams and the Gaara she now knew were completely different people from different lives and different times. Surely he wouldn't be the Kazekage he was today without having endured the pain of being coldblooded and ruthless, that much she understood, but he was, for want a better term, reincarnated after the fight in the Forest with Naruto. Hinata wondered if this was a reason she was so fond of Naruto. Her feelings for him were certainly, as they had been for six years now, on the platonic plane, but she still admired him and would always be grateful that he had shown Gaara another way of living.

So she could, really, appreciate his past. Although part of her would always fear him, it was a small part anyway and the caring she felt for him overshadowed anything that could be considered, on his end, a flaw.

She waited nervously, excitedly, for him to arrive. As the heiress to the Hyuuga, it was her duty to accept and host any foreign dignitaries that came into Konoha, as requested by Lady Tsunade and demanded by her father. She never complained, because of this very circumstance: it brought her closer to Gaara, guaranteed they would have to spend time in each other's company.

She liked his siblings, of course. Kankuro was always good for a laugh, and his devotion to his brother and his village was nothing short of passionate. Hinata marveled after Temari. How one woman could be so powerful, so confident and headstrong was very much beyond her, but she always found herself wishing she could have even a quarter of Temari's conviction.

"Ah, Baki!" Hinata greeted the Sand ninja, Gaara's foremost right hand man after Kankuro. "How w-was your journey?"

Baki inclined his head. "Pleasant as ever, Hyuuga-san. Lord Kazekage will be arriving shortly; Lady Hokage met him at the gate. He seems rather...anxious to greet you."

Hinata nodded, a flaming blush crossing her face. "P-p-please, make yourself at home, Baki. Your u-u-usual rooms are ready."

Baki inclined his head once more, a slight smile playing on the visible part of his mouth.

x

oooo

He carried her to the bed, not sure if she could have even handled the few feet from the bathroom on her own. She didn't seem to protest too much, and he set her carefully on the sheets as though he were setting her on her deathbed. He swallowed against the panic that rose in his throat at that thought.

"I've missed you." Hinata said clearly, as though she'd decided something.

His eyes widened in surprise. Surely nobody had ever professed to missing him, not even his brother and sister.

Hinata shrugged as though she knew what he was thinking. "I've been wanting to tell you that. For a while now." She closed her eyes and tipped her head back toward the ceiling.

"Your team - " Gaara began, but Hinata shook her head.

"No, they don't have a clue. I'm quite the actress, you know."

Gaara said nothing, rolling up the sleeves of her robe, the white silk stained with her blood.

"Heh. I guess you wouldn't know, would you, Gaara?" She flinched when he placed his palm flat against her cut, her eyes shooting open. "Wouldn't know a damn thing about me. Not like it matters," She jerked her arm away from him before he could infuse his chakra into her. She was sure that once she felt him, that intimate piece of who he was that was so unique and deeper inside of him than his own heart, she wouldn't be able to live without his chakra completely surrounding her. Kami, it was hard enough just being in the same sodding village as him, let alone the same room, with him hovering above her and his finger tips so warm...

She didn't think it would be this hard, that it would be like watching her heart being ripped from her chest and shredded with a hundred dull shuriken right in front of her. But it was, and it was pure idiocy to think that the last five months had changed anything. She'd gotten worse after the boy's death, but that was to be expected. With nobody to care and no arms to turn to, it only made sense that she delve farther into the blackness Gaara had left her in.

That was the worst thing about this whole rotten business. The business of love. It felt good at first, but in the end you were left drowning in freezing water, the unrelenting waves of memories and the realization of how fucking worthless you are to somebody you'd gladly fight to the death for choking you and thoroughly sapping your will to live any sort of "human" life.

And now here she was, her internal scars open and fresh and more painful than anything she'd ever done, than anything she could ever do, to herself. The blood on the outside was hardly a manifestation of the torrent of madness and loneliness on the inside. And now...and now she knew exactly what Gaara felt, what a Jinchuuriki felt. She'd become him, in his absence.

"I suppose that's it, isn't it?" Hinata said, giving a hollow laugh.

"What's it?" Gaara asked, and Hinata sat up, folding her legs in front of her in a meditative pose.

"You've taken all of me, Kazekage-sama. And now, what will you do with me?"

oooo

"So what's her problem?" Temari asked, smacking Shikamaru's hand away as he tried to take the last roll from the basket. "Hands off, Nara. I'm starving."

Shikamaru rubbed his wrist, a welt already forming where Temari had hit him. Ah well. She didn't get her buxom figure by going on insane crash diets like Ino. Women were so troublesome. He glanced at the curve of her chest out of the corner of his eye, his irritation fading somewhat.

"Personally, I think she hasn't grieved properly. Kakashi-sensei says that - "

"Yes, what does sensei say? And why do you even call him that? He hasn't been your teacher for seven years, and you're a jonin now, Sakura."

"Perhaps Sakura-chan enjoys the way 'sensei' sounds in the bedchamber." Sai, who had until this moment remained silent, broke in with one of his stupidly off-putting smiles.

"Alright that's it!" Sakura said, slamming both of her fists onto the table, several long cracks forming under her hands, running the length of the table. "I've had enough outta you two and the next one to insinuate anything about my personal life better be ready to take it outside, got that?"

Insinuate? Who does she think she's kidding? Shikamaru thought, but kept his mouth closed. Sai's smile was unwavering as he, too, seemed to feel that silence was the best course of action for now.

Sakura cleared her throat loudly, then turned to Temari. "It's because of that boy...the one that died. She'll always see his blood on her hands."

oooo

x

It wasn't her first mission as team leader, or even her twentieth. The job was old hat by now, and she'd more or less made a decent name for herself as reliable and hard-working. Tsunade had no problem entrusting Hinata with her more difficult ninja, as her meek outward manner seemed a calming effect on those others would have had a much more difficult time with. And with her formidable training (after all, one doesn't study under a genjutsu master and a genius for a cousin without coming away a better shinobi for the experience), if any of those difficult ninja stepped out of their place, she would have no trouble dealing with them.

She would have willing gone in his place. While she'd never met the genin before, he was on her team now, even if only for this one mission, and that made him one of her boys. She would do anything, anything, to protect him.

He was in the stage of adolescence before manhood, arms and legs a bit too long, lanky and awkward. He reminded her so much of Lee, because whatever usual "ninja" abilities Haruka lacked, he made up for with passion. That just made the whole experience harder to bear, because Lee was a dear friend and she'd always felt that, around him, she wasn't prejudged by her name and lack of abilities.

The whole thing should never have happened. It was a simple mission, deliver this package from this rich noble to another rich noble, very much D-rank and to be honest, Hinata had been looking forward to something simple. She didn't want to have to think, didn't want to have to focus. Her will was weak, and she felt that, had Tsunade insisted on B-rank or above, the string on which she was already so severely wound would have snapped.

"And Hinata," Tsunade had said, as Hinata turned stiffly to leave her office. Pale eyes met warm, golden ones, and Hinata dropped her head respectfully. "He's just a man. Nothing more."

Hinata flushed, but she nodded before shutting the door behind her. If she would have had more strength, perhaps, she would have informed Lady Tsunade how very wrong she was.

Gaara could never be 'just a man' to her, and everybody knew it.

x

oooo

"Sai," Sakura said, after Shikamaru and Temari and disappeared upstairs. Sakura didn't want to think about what they would be getting up to, as Temari's threats that Shikamaru had better not be lazy this time left little doubt in her mind as to the nature of their current activities.

Sai set down his mug of tea, his face impassive as always. "Hai, Sakura-chan?"

"Just what the hell does everybody think is going on between me and Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura demanded, tightening the knot of her headband as though preparing for a fight.

"Nothing more than usual, I'm sure." Sai shrugged, as though he had no clue what she was referring to.

"I'm serious! Shika nearly told all of Suna that Kakashi-sensi and I-"

"So you finally did it, eh?" A voice behind Sakura said. "Banged your teacher." Kankuro clarified, taking a seat at the table as Sakura raised an eyebrow at him.

"Why you -" Sakura snarled, raising a fist, while Kankuro thrust his hand into his pocket and fished around for a moment before pulling out a wad of cash and tossing it to Sai.

"Ah, many thanks." Sai said, tucking the money into his satchel.

"Hey, fair's fair, man. I just feel like an idiot for betting against you. I mean, you practically walked in on them, right?"

"EH?"

Sai smiled, dodging the all-too familiar fist of his female teammate.

oooo

"It's taken me a while," Hinata admitted, watching Gaara's hands with unwavering eyes. It wasn't necessarily what he was doing with them that she found interesting, just the hands themselves. They were fair, of course, as all his skin was. His fingers were long and nimble, nails cut short and no sign of dirt beneath them. He'd always had a higher standard of hygiene; he seemed opposite of his older brother in that respect. His hands were those of a man's; strong and gentle at the same time. Actually, it sort of surprised her that he was capable of such gentleness.

Although, after that night together (which right now didn't seem as log ago as it really was), nothing should have surprised her about the Kazekage.

"For?" He asked, and her spine tingled at the pitch of his voice.

"To figure out why you left me. Why you didn't want me."

Gaara looked up, green eyes melting into silver ones, neither of them blinking. After a moment, he looked back to her arms. "Is that what you think?"

Hinata snorted. "It's what I know, Kazekage-sama. But I don't blame you. I know that I'm to be ashamed of the things I've done. Haruka is dead by my hand and the only man I've ever loved is sickened at the sight of me." Hinata gestured to Gaara's scowl.

"Hinata." Gaara's voice was sharp.

"I am no match for you. This I realize now. I wish...I wish I could be different, then, Gaara. I - -"

"Hinata." Gaara repeated, interrupting her. This time she took a shallow breath, his hand flying to her throat, holding it and Hinata licked her lips at the thought that one grasp, one good squeeze of his hand, would strangle her.

It wasn't so far from how she felt about him every day, actually.

As ever, feedback is greatly appreciated. Next and possibly final part should be out soon. Lyrics are from Love Song Requiem by Trading Yesterday and I highly suggest to listening to it, as it conveys perfectly Hinata's emotions. Thanks to Amber for recc'ing it.