A/N: Thanks for all the reviews; blackwidowmistress, deidi, Levana Fay, and HesMines, your words all made me smile! I'm going to be away all this coming week; I'm camping and then we're going to Hershey Park, so this will be the last update for probably about two weeks (not that the updates have really been that regular up to this point lol). You know how last chapter was all fluffy and sweet? Well, Jenny's thoughts take a walk down the angst path. It had to be done. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter nonetheless and please tell me what you think! :)
Jenny sat across from Jethro in the small café, a salad in front of her, and Liam in a high chair next to them. He'd brought her to the small restaurant, telling her she'd like it, because apparently it was new and she'd never been, not that it would make all that much of a difference to her. Everything was new in this life.
On the drive over, she'd thought about how such small gestures on his part still made her face flush and her heart pound. She wondered if that was how this Jenny felt when he touched her; if she still felt like a high school girl with her first boyfriend. She wondered if it just felt routine to her, or if she still felt special when his hand rested on her lower back or if she still closed her eyes when he kissed her temple or her neck as his arm wrapped around her.
Maybe it was just being in a relationship again that was making her feel this way. It had been years since a man had held her, since she'd let herself be held. Love was not something that came completely naturally to her, but in this life, she was surrounded by it. She barely recognized this Jenny sometimes.
"Jen, you in there?" she looked up when Jethro said her name, pulling her from her thoughts.
"Sorry, lost in thought." Jenny said, shaking her head slightly.
"What about?" Jethro asked, reaching for her hand and intertwining their fingers.
"Paris." Jenny answered, and watched as Jethro's face softened in remembrance. He brought her fingers up to kiss her knuckles, his lips lingering on her skin. His actions spoke more than words, and Jenny found herself blushing and training her eyes on her food. "Any interesting paperwork today?"
"Paperwork, interesting?" Jethro asked, raising an eyebrow. He took a bite of his sandwich before looking at Liam, who was playing with his fruit salad instead of eating it. "Liam, the point is to eat the food, not throw it."
"App-a!" Liam said, taking a piece of apple and shoving it into his mouth. Jenny giggled, taking a bite of her own salad. This was a refreshing change of pace from eating lunch by herself in her office, all alone.
"Jen, you okay? You seem…different today." Jethro asked, concerned.
"I'm fine, Jethro. Just tired." Jenny lied, a feeling of dread forming in the pit of her stomach. Could she really do this? Could she really be Jethro's wife? She wasn't that Jenny; she had made the wrong choice, and there were scars on her heart that this Jenny didn't have, much like the fact that this Jenny had physical scars that she didn't. Jethro shrugged off her comment, accepting her answer. She hated that she could lie to him this easily, and she hated that she had to. "Do we have time to get Allie's present?"
"Well, the things for her present, not her actual present. We can't get her puppy until Saturday. We don't have anywhere to put it." Jenny sat in slightly shocked silence. A puppy? Leroy Jethro Gibbs was getting their daughter a puppy?
"Oh, okay. You're right." Jenny said, nodding her head slightly. Thankfully, Jethro was too pre-occupied with cleaning Liam up that he didn't seem to hear her hesitation. He picked the little boy up, placing him on his hip. It struck Jenny, once again, how much of a natural Jethro was with kids.
She sighed softly, old wounds splitting, pain flooding her momentarily as she thought of her other life, her life. As much as she was told that this was her life, as much as she wanted this to be her life, and as much as she was told that these were her children, how could she believe that? Yes, her body bore the scars and stretch marks that told her that this body had experienced those two pregnancies, that she had given birth to the two beautiful, perfect children she had met this morning, but they didn't feel like hers. She had no memory of being pregnant with them, no memory of their births, no memory of watching them grow. She didn't know them. She loved them yes; she loved them more than she had ever loved someone before, but they weren't hers. They were that other Jenny's; the Jenny who hadn't made the mistake of following her career path instead of her heart. It broke her heart, that she couldn't call this her life.
She wanted that to be true more than anything. She wanted this to be her life so badly it hurt. But Jethro loved this Jenny, because he'd never had a reason to stop. It was painfully obvious in her other life that he didn't love her anymore. She really wouldn't be all that surprised if she discovered that he hated her.
Jenny loved this life, she did. But she wanted Jethro to love her. Not the Jenny that hadn't left, but the Jenny who had left and knew she'd made a huge mistake. The Jenny that hurt on the inside, all the time. The Jenny that cried herself to sleep, the Jenny that was slowly dying on the inside. She wanted Jethro to love that version of her; scars and all.
She shook her head slightly, clearing the thoughts. There would be time to think about all this later, when Jethro wasn't there. She just had to let herself enjoy this life while she could; she assumed she'd have to go back at some point, as much as the idea made her cringe.
"Jen, are you sure you're okay? You look pale babe." Jethro said, looking at her in genuine concern. The look in his eyes almost made her cry; she'd give her left arm to see that look in his eyes in her other life.
"I'll be fine Jethro, I swear. I just need to rest when we get home. I'll put Liam down and take a nap before I go and get Allie this afternoon." Jenny said, in both an attempt to placate him and to make the look go away. She didn't know if she could do this.
"You have to promise me you will. I don't want you to get sick." Jethro said, and Jenny attempted to swallow the lump in her throat.
"I will. I promise."
Jethro nodded before kissing her forehead and holding her close for a moment. She relaxed into his hold, burying her face in his jacket in an attempt to stem the flow of tears. She controlled herself and pulled away after a few long moments, wiping discretely at her eyes. She felt Jethro's gaze on her, but she couldn't meet his eyes. She couldn't see the worry and concern on his face, because he was worried about his wife. And she wasn't his wife, or at least the woman he'd made his wife.
"Jen…" he started, but she shook her head, stopping him.
"Please…not here Jethro." she pleaded, her voice soft. He nodded shortly, settling Liam on his hip. Jenny's hands itched to do something, so she picked up her coffee cup, taking comfort in the hot beverage. They left the small shop, and this time Jethro didn't just settle his hand on her lower back, he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her against him. Liam reached across Jethro and settled his sticky hand on her cheek. She turned her face slightly, catching his hand with her lips, making the little boy giggle.
Hearing his laughter, Jenny felt just a touch better. Her heart felt lighter, her doubts slipped further into her brain. They were still there, of course, but they were easier to forget. She kissed his fingers again, the taste of apples and strawberries coming off of his skin. Reaching into her bag, she pulled out the packet of wipes and cleaned his hands, listening to him babble happily in Jethro's arms.
She wanted this happy family feeling. She wanted this in her life; she wanted to come home to this beautiful little boy and her intelligent four year old daughter every night. She wanted Jethro to hold her at night; she wanted to be the woman he was in love with. She wanted a second chance, but that couldn't happen. Magic didn't exist; she was dreaming, that was why she was here. She'd go to sleep tonight and this would all go away.
"Jen, you're thinking about something." Jethro observed, running his hand along her spine.
"Just Allie's party.' Jenny lied, watching the smile light up Jethro's face. His love for their children was reflected in that smile, and her heart literally felt like it was going to rip in two.
"She's going to have a blast. The team'll be there at two, and her school friends will be there at one-thirty." Jethro said as they walked to the car.
"I hope you guys don't catch a case." Jenny said, merely to keep him talking. Listening to his deep voice seemed to calm her down, and she loved hearing his talk.
"I asked Morrow to try and not give our team a case unless it's absolutely necessary. He feels bad he can't make Allie's party, but he has an Op in MTAC all day. That's what happens when you're Director." Jethro said, and his words hit her full force. She'd lost everything to be Director; she'd lost the man she loved, a chance at a family, and true happiness. That was how she spent her Saturdays: she didn't go to the park to play with her family; she sat in MTAC, listening to the technicians talk about their husbands and wives and kids. She remained silent, the hollow feeling filling her as she listened to even her assistant talk about her little baby girl. Her employees had more of a social life than she did.
It was different for Tom Morrow; he was a man, and no one challenged his integrity as a Director. And she was quite certain he'd never fallen for his partner, and never had to make the choice between his career and love. He had a beautiful wife waiting for him at home, their children all older. She didn't have that; she couldn't have that.
"He sends his regards though, and he's bringing Allie's gift on Friday to work, so I'll bring it home." Jethro continued, none the wiser to her thoughts. Jenny nodded, running a hand through her hair. She slipped into the passenger seat of the car while Jethro strapped Liam in, buckling her seatbelt quickly. Jethro got into the driver's side, closing the door quietly. He turned to Jenny, framing her face with his hands before leaning in and kissing her.
The kiss almost sent Jenny over the edge.
He was kissing her like he had in Paris. Not a sweet, gentle, five second kiss like he had this morning, and not the lusty, passionate kiss they'd shared in the elevator. No, this kiss was the kiss he let all his love flow through, let his emotions hit the surface, let his lips do all the talking he couldn't do with words. She hadn't been kissed like this in close to six and half years, and it almost broke her.
He pulled away when her chest was beginning to feel tight, stroking her face with his fingers. His eyes searched hers, and she felt like he could see right through her façade.
"Jethro…" she started, but he placed his fingers over her lips, silencing her.
"I don't know what's bugging you, but I know you don't want to talk about it. We can get Allie's gift another day; I'm going to drop you and Liam off, and I want you to put Liam down, and then run yourself a bath and just relax. I know work has been a big stress on you lately, and I want you to forget about that. I want you to just relax, and think about how happy we're going to be this weekend. Our daughter's turning five. Just think about that, okay?" Jethro said, his voice quiet yet firm. Jenny merely nodded, this side of Jethro being one she hadn't seen many times. Jethro let a smile cross his face, leaning forward and kissing her again. Jenny closed her eyes, emotions crossing behind her eyelids at warp speed.
Jethro pulled away, and Jenny had to keep her eyes closed for a moment, collecting herself. She sat back in her seat, pressing her head into the headrest as she gazed out the window. She watched the city fly by, buildings flashing before her eyes. The serenity had returned to the car, but Jenny's stomach still felt tight, guilt and dread filling her.
She looked in the mirror, watching Liam clap his hands at the passing trees. He bopped his head to the music that was on, and Jenny let a small, sad smile grace her face momentarily before composing herself. Jethro leaned over and placed his hand on her thigh, rubbing gently. She allowed him a tight smile before returning her gaze to the window, just glad he wasn't making her talk.
He dropped them off at the house, telling her he'd try and be home before seven. She'd nodded, letting herself kiss him back before watching him pull out of the driveway, Liam giggling and waving to his dad.
"Alright, let's go put you down for your nap sweetheart." Jenny said as she walked inside with Liam. She threw both their coats on the rack and took off Liam's shoes, tossing them by the door, next to the other shoes. She carried him up the stairs to his nursery, feeling his head sink lower and lower until it rested on her shoulder.
She rocked him for a few minutes, listening to his breathing evening out and gentle snores begin to issue from his tiny mouth. She settled him in his crib, placing a blanket over his legs and kissing his forehead, inhaling his baby scent.
She decided to heed Jethro's advice; she ran a hot bath and lit some candles, taking a small glass of red wine with her and turned on the music player in the corner. The first strands of 'Endlessly' by Green River Ordinance came on, and Jenny's eyes drifted closed, letting all of her doubts and pain come through, the bath purging her off her tension, if only momentarily.
She wanted to let herself love Jethro, and to just allow his love to fill her. But there was that voice in the back of her head, telling her that he could never love her; after all, she'd left and broken his heart. Her head was overwhelming her heart, which desperately just wanted to enjoy this chance she had been given. But her head, ever logical, was telling her there was no way this was real.
She sipped her wine, letting the flavor run over her tongue and down her throat, closing her eyes. Her senses seemed to be heightened, the orange blossom scent of the candles washing over her, the cooling temperature of the bath water making her shiver slightly, the taste of wine filling her head, drowning out the logical voice. The music in the background floated around her head, the words filling her chest and surrounding her heart.
Caught in the waves of hesitation; Lost in a sea of my own doubt
The words reflected her mood perfectly, but there was more to the song than that. This song was the song she'd listened to for months after she'd left; in her mind changing the viewpoint from a man to a woman.
She opened her eyes, looking around the steamy bathroom. The small clock on the counter told her she had forty minutes before she had to pick Allison up.
She stepped out of the water, wrapping herself in a thick towel. She drained the water, watching the bubbles funnel into the drain. She blew out the candles, the smoke curling into the air before disappearing. Turning the music player off, she grabbed her goblet of wine and walked into the bedroom, setting the glass on the table before turning back to her wardrobe.
Looking through the clothes, she selected a pair of jeans and a plain black t-shirt along with a dark green button-up sweater and emerald colored sandals. She dressed quickly before going back into the bathroom, brushing her slightly damp hair up into a low ponytail, securing the loose strands with bobby pins. She decided to forgo make-up; picking Allison up at kindergarten didn't exactly require eye shadow and mascara.
Merely rubbing some moisturizer onto her palms and wiping some on her face, she blinked her eyes tiredly, pleased with her appearance. The small gold hoops secured in her ears matched the golden highlights in her crimson hair, and the thin gold chain with her birthstone, along with both Allison and Liam's, that hung around her neck were her only jewelry, save her wedding rings.
She checked on Liam briefly before heading into the living room, finding the computer in the corner. Turning it on, she started another pot of coffee while she waited for the computer to load, and washed her wine glass, setting it in the drying rack.
Hearing the beep that signaled the computer was ready, she grabbed her mug of coffee and sat in the wooden chair, logging on to the computer. Going to Google, she typed in the words that had been haunting her all morning.
The search results came up, and she clicked the first link.
Shannon and Kelly Gibbs were murdered recently in a car crash. They were under protective detail by a Federal Officer who was shot as he drove them to eight year old Kelly's ballet lessons. The officer was killed instantly, and Shannon and Kelly were killed in the crash. They leave behind a husband and father, Marine Gunnery Sergeant Leroy Jethro Gibbs, who was fighting in Desert Storm when they were killed. Police officials say that Pedro Hernandez, a drug dealer that Shannon identified in a line up, fled the country, crossing the border to Mexico, where Mexican officials claim they can't find him. It is believed that he is the one that shot the driver and caused the crash killing the Gibbs', losing Shannon's testimony and keeping him from going to jail. This tragedy is devastating for the community and especially to Mr. Gibbs; we send him our prayers and our support as he mourns his loss.
Jenny stared at the screen in horror, the impossible words staring her in the face.
A/N: This is what you get when you listen to 'Endlessly' by Green River Ordinance and your friend's boyfriend breaks up with her and you stay up until two am listening to her cry over the phone. But knowing Jenny, her thoughts would have eventually taken this train of thought, and I felt I had to add the end. I hope you enjoyed it, and please tell me what you thought!