Music was the true cure.

And the nurse knew that.

Whether she could make the patients of Arkham know that or not was a different matter.

After all, if music be the food of sanity, play on.

But Harvey Dent had no food. And he had had no food for quite a while, so he was getting quite cranky. Which was dangerous, as one could imagine. He was protesting the poor quality of the Arkham food, and had not eaten for at least one day. And he was even more volatile than usual, causing tension in the already mental ward.

But the nurse believed that music could cure all of their strife and sanity. And with music, she would heal them for life.

She was going to make the Arkham Band. And it would be an inspiration to the world- six maniacs coming together for the joy and love of music, thus curing their insanity and providing for the community. It was going to be beautiful.

The six chosen inmates were standing in the newly dubbed music room before a pile of instruments, with blank looks on their faces.

"What do you get when you brush your teeth and play the tuba at the same time?" the Riddler asked to the room.

"A tube of toothpaste?"

"No. A piccolo. Duh." He replied, rolling his eyes. "Geez."

"Alright," the nurse in charge announced. "I want you all to pick an instrument that you want to play."

"I don't believe in music," the Scarecrow said, raising his hand. The nurse blinked.

"You…don't believe in music?"

"No, I don't. May I abstain from the activities?"

"Everyone, I want you to pick an instrument before you and assemble yourselves accordingly." She said, ignoring the Scarecrow's comment. "Anything you want."

"I don't know what I want to play…" Harley said, bouncing up and down.

"Heads you play the drums, tails you play the violin. I'll take the other," Harvey said, balancing the coin on his thumb. "Man, I'm starved…"

"Okay!" Harley exclaimed. "I love games."

"Heads!"

"YAY! I LOVE the violin!" she cried, clapping her hands and bouncing up and down.

"I see no electric guitar," the Joker said. Harley, meanwhile, was twirling a violin bow on her nimble fingers.

"Aw, Mistah J, give up the dream. It ain't gonna happen."

"What dream?" Harvey asked, interested.

"He wants to be a rock star." Harley said, patting his shoulder.

"No I don't!" he said indignantly. "I said it would be cool. Not that it's what I wanted."

"I have a band name for you," Poison Ivy suggested. "The assface jerk heads."

"I like that!" Harley said. "It's edgy."

"There's an acoustic guitar,' the Riddler offered. "Or a cello."

"I don't know how to play the cello." The Joker scoffed.

"I will teach you!" the nurse said, handing him the bow. He scowled, and easily picked up the massive instrument and carried in one handed to the back of the room. Harley swooned.

"He's so strong," she said, batting her eyes. Ivy snorted. Harvey, meanwhile, had set himself up in the percussion area, where there was a drum set, several woodblocks, a gong, and various miscellaneous percussion instruments, one of which he was tapping anxiously. The Riddler was clutching a flute.

"A flute? Really?" Harvey asked him, ready for a fight.

"I played it in high school," he said defensively. "And I'll have you know that I am very good."

"Mr. Crane? What are you going to be playing?"

"I told you, I don't believe in music." He said, crossing his arms.

"Then you can play the keyboard." She said, steering him over to the keyboard while he scowled. "Miss Ivy? What are you going to play?"

"This blade of grass," she said, holding it up.

"You can't play that," the nurse said. "How about a pan flute?"

"No, I'm playing a flute!" the Riddler protested. "Riddle me this- how would you feel if three wise men came up to you with two jars of gold and a mystery box, and you picked the mystery box and it had a coupon to McDonalds in it? I'll tell you the answer to this riddle- awful. I hate McDonalds. It is useless to me. As is a pan flute."

"I like the sound that the grass makes," Ivy said firmly, standing her ground. "And I want to play it."

"Let her play the grass," the Joker said, patting her shoulder.

"Don't touch me." She sneered, jerking her arm away. "It won't make me like you."

"Just give it time," he smirked, twisting a piece of her hair around his finger. She scowled and stalked away from him. He sighed. He didn't even like her. In fact, he disliked her a lot. But it bothered him that she didn't like him.

He was one of those people that needed to be liked. And all of the other villains idolized him. So he didn't understand why she didn't.

"Puddin', give it a rest, she don't like you." Harley said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I still like you."

"Hoorah."

"Alright, everyone has their instruments, lets all assemble."

"I don't understand this contraption," the Scarecrow said, looking down at the keyboard, quite perplexed. Harley raised her hand.

"Exactly what sort of band is this?" she asked. "I mean, we have a string section, a keyboard, a drum set, a flute, and a piece of grass."

"Can we name our band "Insanity for Two?" Harvey asked, raising his hand.

"Why would we do that?" the Joker asked, turning around.

"Um, I am the key to the band. Me- Harvey Dent! Two Face! Insanity for two!"

"I think it should be- Riddles Aplenty."

"That is retarded." Harvey said, his lack of food pressing on his nerves.

"Guys, I wanna play…" Harley whined, tuning her violin. "Mistah J, play your tuning note…"

"I don't know what that is."

"What key is it in?"

"The hell I know."

Ivy was in the corner, idly buzzing her grass. The Scarecrow was still looking down at the keyboard, quite perplexed.

"I still don't get this."

"Alright everybody, I'm passing out music to you now." The nurse said. "This piece is titled 'Mary Had a Little Lamb', which is very simple. It only has a few notes, and has a simple melody."

Meanwhile, Harley was playing a symphony on her violin, while the Riddler gaped open mouthed at her. The Joker scowled, pulling the bow across his strings in an attempt to make some sort of music.

It did not work.

"Let's PLAY SOMETHING!" Harvey yelled, banging very loudly on the bass drum.

"Harvey, just because you haven't eaten for one stupid day, doesn't give you the right to go crazy." The Joker said. "If I can keep my cool, for god sakes, YOU CAN."

"Yeah, well, I'm hungry."

"We know." He growled. "Now please. Shush."

"Riddle me this-" the Riddler said, holding up a finger. "When two people come at an impasse, where can the one not go?"

"Where!? For god sakes, where!? We are all DYING TO KNOW!" Harvey screamed.

"Neither can move until the other gives. Think about that for a while."

There was silence for a while.

"That was…actually a pretty good one," Ivy said, looking up. "Where did that come from?"

The Riddler opened his mouth to answer, then sighed.

"Internet," he admitted. The Scarecrow banged angrily on the keyboard.

"What can I believe in now?"

"My cause against poor cafeteria food!" Harvey yelled. "I have pins and everything!"

"Nobody cares." Ivy yelled. "Can we move on and play something?"

"Okay everyone, from the top!" the nurse said, raising her hands. "One, two…"

"I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THIS!" the Joker and the Scarecrow yelled in unison.

"Here," Harley groaned, taking the cello from the Joker. "Play it like this…"

And she swiftly played him a few bars of Mozart and threw it back into his hands.

"Okay. Because that makes sense." He said, holding on the instrument awkwardly. "You know what I can play? The tuba. Is there one of those?"

"No! You're my strings buddy!" Harley said, rubbing his cheek. "We gotta stick together! I'll help you along the way."

"Well that's great, but I'm lost." The Scarecrow said. "Did you realize that there are like, a million buttons on this thing?"

"It's easy," Ivy said, stroking her grass and putting it behind her ear. "The keys are organized in several sets of scales, each an octave higher than the first, consisting of eight basic notes with chromatics…"

"I have an idea." He said, raising his hand. "Ivy plays this thing, and I play the grass."

"No!" she said defensively, clutching it in her hands.

"Fine, Just don't expect me to be good."

"FOR GOD SAKES!" Harley screamed, marching over to him. "Just do THIS."

And she plunked out Mary Had a Little Lamb on the keyboard rather aggressively, ending it with smashing her hands down on the keys. The Scarecrow looked rather frightened, but nodded fervently as she marched back to her violin.

"Harley, please calm yourself. Count backwards to ten."

She clenched her teeth, but seemed to do it all the same, for after a few seconds, the red drained back out her cheeks and she exhaled rather heavily.

"Now what do we say?" the nurse asked.

"Sorry, Scarecrow."

"What's his name again?" the nurse probed. Harley huffed.

"Sorry, Crane."

Harvey, in his impatience, whaled on the gong, leaving a deafening ringing in everyone's ears.

"Alright every one, it seems you're getting itchy to play, so on three- one, and two and…"

It is hard to describe the sound that followed, but it is best written as-

WAAAAH BLA FLAAAAAMER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WAAAAAA BLA FLAAAAAAAMER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Man, we SUCK!" Harvey yelled, throwing his tambourine at the window,

"I just don't see what is so funny about Mary Had a Little Lamb," Ivy scowled at the Joker, who had laughed throughout the entire thing.

"If you we're playing this thing, you'd think it was pretty funny too." He said defensively. The Riddler was still trilling the ending note on his flute.

"I think it would be best if we could hear it in parts," Harley suggested. "And then you can go over them with each of us and then we can try and put it together."

"Yay. More chance for them to know how bad I am at this," the Scarecrow frowned, still looking puzzled at his keyboard.

"Good idea, Harley!" the nurse said. "Okay then, lets hear you first."

And she started to play, but what she was playing didn't look like the notes on the page to the Joker. It was Mary Had a Little Lamb, but a lot more complicated than it looked. She was adding notes all over the place, and it actually sounded quite remarkable.

"Where did you learn to play like that?" the nurse gaped at her when she was done. Harley shrugged.

"I did the Suzuki method." She said. "It comes naturally."

"Are you good at everything?" Harvey asked loudly from his place at the drums.

"I don't know," she sneered. "Ask your dead fiancée."

"That was cold." He whispered.

"Mr. Nigma, could we hear you?" the nurse asked, talking over Harley and Harvey, sensing a fight was going to break out.

"It would be my pleasure." He said, bowing. Everyone except Harley rolled their eyes. And he brought the flute to his lips and played a quite lovely, if not simple rendition of Mary Had a Little Lamb. Meanwhile, the Scarecrow had been pushing buttons on his keyboard, and suddenly, his eyes lit up, a giant smile spreading over his face.

"I'm so glad you like my music," the Riddler beamed at him, seeing the smile and thinking it was aimed at him.

"What? Oh, yeah, it's lovely. Can I go next?"

"Of course!" the nurse beamed. "Do you think you learned how?"

"I think so," he grinned. And he too began to play Mary Had a Little Lamb on the keyboard, with chords and a mysterious rhythm in the background he didn't appear to be playing.

"Marvelous!" the nurse clapped when he was done. "How did you pick that up so quickly?"

"Something just clicked," he shrugged, still grinning. The Joker shot him a puzzled look, to which he just smiled and waved.

"Here is my song." Harvey said, picking up a pair of drumsticks. On every syllable he sang, he beat something with them, whether it was the gong, the snare, or the Riddler's head. But it worked. As long as it was in the tempo, it worked. Although, instead of singing the Mary Had a Little Lamb, he sang this instead-

"Arkham had some crappy food, crappy food, crappy food!

Arkham had some crappy food, and Harvey is hungry!

It was so gross we all puked, we all puked, we all puked!

It was so gross we all puked, and it looked more edible!

Then I didn't eat for days, eat for days, eat for days!

Then I didn't eat for days, and now I am CRANKY!"

"Harvey, is everything today going to be about the food issue?" Ivy asked him.

"I am starving," he whined, leaning over his music stand.

"I know. But don't take it out on us," the Joker added.

"I have to agree with him." Ivy shrugged. Harvey scowled.

The nurse didn't even bother with Ivy, who was humming quietly to herself in the corner. So she moved on to the Joker, who looked quite displeased.

"You don't want to hear me play this thing." He said firmly, clenching the bow with white knuckles, a sour look on his face.

"Aww, Mistah J, you can't be good at everything like me," Harley said, patting him on the head. He scowled.

"Just try it for us." The nurse encouraged.

He grimaced, and lifted the bow to the strings, and created a sound that sounded something like a drowning cat being scraped across a brick wall.

"And THERE'S the edge we need," Harvey exclaimed, banging his hand on the tom. "Right there."

"It's not supposed to be edgy, Harvey," Ivy said, looking up from her grass. "It's supposed to be sweet and simple."

"Just like Harley," the Riddler smiled. She however, did not.

"How many times do I have to remind you morons that I have A PHD!?"

"As many times as you like," the Joker said, absently plucking the cello strings. "We still won't remember. Or care."

"I care!" the Riddler said, raising his hand. She just scowled, but winked at him when the Joker turned around.

"Okay! Can we try it again?" the nurse asked, raising her conducting hand.

The song started, and though it was rough, it went fairly well. That is, until the Riddler accidentally played a wrong note.

"Riddler?" Harvey asked through clenched teeth.

"Um…yes?" he asked, peering at him over his music stand.

"What was that note?"

"It looks like a…B flat, Harvey."

"Exactly. So why did you play a B NATURAL?"

"It was an accident! There are a lot of keys on a flute, and…"

"Yeah yeah, your instrument is harder. Cry me a river."

"Riddle me this, Harvey my friend. When two friends fight…"

"We aren't friends."

"Oh. Yeah. Well then, if…if…damn it, I do not have a riddle for this situation!"

"I am so SAD!"

Ivy looked between them from her corner, and rolled her eyes and went back to humming on her grass.

"How about this, Riddler- heads, I don't kill you. Tails, you get stuffed into this snare drum and I play YOU instead while I shove the crappy Arkham food down your riddling throat!"

"That sounds like no fun."

"It's not supposed to be fun. That's the idea." Harvey said through clenched teeth.

"I'm having fun!" Harley said, raising her hand. The Joker reached for her arm and put it back down.

"You're holding my hand." She grinned.

"No I'm not. I'm trying to end this stupid argument, and you are not helping. Harvey gets really mad when he's hungry."

"I love you too, Mistah J!"

"Everyone, please settle down." The nurse said, clapping her hands.

"What are we, five?" the Scarecrow asked her derisively.

"Yeah, what are we, FIVE?" Harvey screamed. The nurse shook her finger at him, and he quieted but still scowled.

"Please start again from the beginning, and try to accept it when your peers make minor mistakes."

"It was a pretty big mistake," Harvey grumbled, but remained silent otherwise. The Joker let out a brief giggle, but was silenced from the piercing glare of the nurse, who was, incidentally, his shock therapist.

"I've got you on Monday," she said, wagging her finger at him. "And if you think you can get away with some stunt without me adding some voltage, you are wrong."

The Joker bit his lip. He was a sucker for temptation.

So, of course, as soon as they started playing, he used the boutonnière on his jacket to squirt both the nurse and the Riddler in the eyes with acid.

"AHHHHHHH!" they both screamed, the Riddler rolling around on the ground and clawing at his eyes, the nurse pounding on her conductor's stand. Harvey and the Joker air high-fived, while the Joker's entire body was overcome with roaring laughter that came crashing out of him like an avalanche of hysteria. Harley laughed too, but didn't quite lose herself as he did, and Ivy just shook her head and sat down in the back.

"Mr. Joker," the nurse panted. "That is entirely unacceptable."

"Oh please. You know it was hilarious."

"For who?" the Riddler asked, climbing back onto his chair, his eyes watering.

"Me, who else?" the Joker cried, now making an attempt to calm himself.

"Everybody simmer down," the nurse said, holding her head in her hands. "Now. Let's try this one more time. Please."

Everybody looked at each other, and decided that maybe it was time to try something for real. And for a while, it was actually pretty decent. Until an awful screeching noise escaped out of the Riddler's flute.

A woodblock flew into the side of his head.

"DAMN YOU AND YOUR C FLATS!" Harvey screamed at him, kicking a hole through the bass drum.

"You're damaging…" the nurse tried to put in, but Harley stepped boldly into the fray before she could get a chance.

"There is no such thing as a C FLAT!" she screamed back.

"Actually, there is, it's a B natural…" the Riddler interjected, but Harley turned on him.

"You're the one that wants me to like you and you're arguing with me?"

"No…"

"If you read the damn key signature, it CLEARLY says B FLAT. FLAT!!!!" Harvey yelled. "Damn, I am STARVING TO DEATH!"

"Everyone, please, settle…"

"You guys are just jealous that you aren't as good as I am." The Scarecrow said, now somehow playing Greensleeves on the keyboard with what sounded like a full orchestra.

"You liar, you found the pre-recorded songs." Harley spat. "Cheater. Do it right."

"I can't!" he yelled back defensively. "It's really hard!"

"Maybe, for a CHILD!"

Harvey screamed again, this time pushing a timpani over to the ground with a deafening crash. This caused the Joker to break into hysterics.

"Hey!" The Riddler yelled. "If I were a timpani with only two wheels, then I was doused in gasoline and set on fire…"

Harvey then sent the Joker's cello crashing down on the Riddler's head, the cello splintering into bits. The Riddler crumpled onto the floor, causing the Joker to laugh even harder.

"I am SICK OF THIS!" the nurse screamed. There was dead silence. She was heaving, her eyes alight with fury. "Of all of the dingbats that have tried to come here and heal you, I was sure I was going to be the victor. But NO! You are UNCURABLE! SICK! Sick, I tell you, SICK!"

There was a pause.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the Joker roared. "You thought you could heal us? Seriously? Oh god…AHAHAHA…"

"Even I think that's ridiculous," the Riddler said solemnly. "If a talking goat that looked like Conan O'Brien came up to you and told you someone died, would you laugh? Of course. Because he looks like Conan O'Brien. And that's what you just did."

The nurse snapped her baton in half and chucked it at him, which made the Joker laugh even harder, a roaring, deafening laugh. Even Harley had her fingers in her ears.

When, of course, the team of paramedics had to come and take him away so he could be properly subdued.

They also, incidentally, had to take the nurse away, who had resorted to flinging things around the room in frustration, leaving just Harvey, the Riddler, the Scarecrow, Harley, and Ivy left in the room alone.

"See, you have to know when to stop," Harvey said, shaking his head. "There's a fine line between volatile and just plain over dramatic." He stopped for a second, his chest heaving, his eyes un-focusing.

"Oh, Harvey." Harley said, patting his arm. "You don't look so good…"

Ivy looked at him, and saw that his face was paper white. He propped his elbow up on his music stand, his steadiness quavering a bit.

"Harvey, are you…"

But Harley couldn't finish this sentence, for he fainted right there on the spot, crashing into the bass drum. Now, Harvey was a big guy. Just like the Joker, he was tall and broad, a huge mass of muscle and power. So when he fell into the bass drum, he completely smashed it, and since the room was on risers, kept tumbling down the steps into the keyboard, the cello, the violin, and eventually, the piece of grass.

"Oh NO!" Ivy exclaimed, running forward. She tried to pick him up, but he was too heavy for her. "My grass!"

"Is he okay?" Harley asked, prodding him with her foot.

"I don't know…" the Riddler said, reaching into his pocket and taking his double sided coin. He met many questionable looks. "What? This thing bugs the hell out of me."

"We should probably leave him and let the doctors take care of him…" the Scarecrow said logically. Ivy nodded, leaning over him and touching his face with her delicate hands.

"Or…we could heal him ourselves and play doctor!" Harley exclaimed, jumping up and down, clapping her hands. "Okay! Ivy, you be the nurse- get me four CC's of anesthetic so we can begin exhuming the body!"

All she received was blank stares. She sighed.

"Or we could leave him. Whatever."

The Scarecrow patted her on the shoulder. "I understand, Harley."

"Thank you!" she said. "You know, we should talk more."

"We really should," he said, looking her deep in the eyes. She gave him a quizzical look.

"Um…Crane?"

"Yeah, what are you doing?" the Riddler asked. "Are you hitting on her?"

"No! We're having an intelligent conversation!" the Scarecrow said defensively.

"Because she's MINE!" the Riddler said, pushing the Scarecrow.

"Hey. Don't push me, we're friends, remember? Idiot." the Scarecrow said.

"You aren't mine!" Harley interrupted. "I'm all Mistah J's, and you know that! Now please, I know I'm irresistible, but try and contain yourselves."

And she walked away, swinging her hips as she went. Ivy rolled her eyes.

"And that's my best friend." She sighed, taking a long look at Harvey, collapsed on the ground. "Maybe we should get him some food."

"Maybe…" the Riddler said. The Scarecrow nodded.

"Or we could draw on him!"

"Yeah!"

"Guys, don't draw on him," Ivy said, putting his head in her lap.

"God, Ivy, just because you looooove him…"

"I do not!"

"Do to."

"Do not!"

"Do to."

"Do NOT!"

"Do to do to do to do to DO TO!"

"Ugh! I can't stand you!" she yelled, and then she too stalked out of the room.

The Riddler looked around for a few seconds, pulled out a pen, wrote "I love boobs" on the skin covered portion of his forehead, and ran out of the room. The Scarecrow looked at him too, drew him a half mustache and a Harry Potter scar, and ran out after his cell mate, leaving Harvey on the floor of the now abandoned band room.