Education Program at Gotham Arkham Asylum
Day One- Math
This one was not a nurse's idea. This was instated by the Dark Knight himself, who usually refused to participate in the goings on at Arkham. Upon realizing that criminal activity was closely related to basic unintelligence, he decided to instate an education program at the mental ward, with the six patients and or super villains he decided most needed it. This being the usual – Two Face, or Harvey Dent as everyone knew and called him, the Riddler, or Edward Nigma, the Scarecrow, or Jonathon Crane, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, and the Joker, who had no alias.
Harley wasn't happy with the arrangements. As she pointed out on a regular basis, she was actually really smart, and didn't think she needed to be educated. Crane was pretty intelligent himself, but didn't mind a little extra learning. The Joker had a sort of subtle intelligence, he was very eloquent in his speech and methods, and excelled in the fields of chemistry and math particularly. But as far as Harvey, Ivy, and the Riddler went, there was a general lacking of book smarts.
"I hate this," the Riddler whined as they walked towards their new classroom. "Why do we have to do this? What is the answer? Why are we here?"
"Do you want to live? Because heads, you don't." Harvey snarled. The Riddler fell silent.
Harley was wearing a pair of glasses, which the Joker wasted no time on.
"Hey Harl, I didn't know you were starting a chess club."
"Yeah. Can I borrow your pocket protector? My pocket needs to be protected." The Scarecrow added.
"Crane, you are no good at this."
"Sorry. I got ahead of myself."
"What are we doing today anyway?" Ivy asked.
"Math, I believe," the Scarecrow said, playing with his calculator. "Check it out, I've got snake on this thing!"
"I love snake!" the Riddler exclaimed, snatching it from him. "Oh cool, all I have is block dude…"
"I have Mad Libs!"
"I have Grand Theft Auto!"
"Sweet!"
"It's not for games," Harley sighed. "It's for math."
"I hate math." Ivy groaned, walking up to her best friend. "I can never figure it out."
"Don't worry, I'll help you." She said, patting her on the back.
"Well, that's great, but some of us only have half a brain."
"Harvey, you have an entire brain." Harley told him.
"How do you know?"
"Because the only thing that got burned off your face was hair and some skin. Not your brain. You'd be sitting in a chair drooling if you only had half a brain."
"You don't see him in the cell," the Joker said. Harvey scowled.
"Heads I…"
"Let me stop you right there," the Scarecrow said. "I know where this is going. You're going to make a coin flip, make some sort of ridiculous proposal, and then fail to follow through with it. Am I right?"
Harvey glared at him, but then his gaze fell.
"Probably."
"That's what I thought. Now shush."
The group of them filed into the small room, where a nurse was standing in front of a peculiar looking board. It appeared to be a whiteboard in every aspect, except it also appeared to be electronic.
"Every body, arrange yourselves in alphabetical order, please." The nurse said as they stood awkwardly in the middle of the seats. "You may call me Mrs. Z."
"What's the rest of your name?" Harley asked.
"Alphabetical order, please." She said crisply. Harley rolled her eyes and turned towards the group as they all eyed each other.
"Why do we have to do this?" The Riddler asked, groaning. "Why? What is the answer to the riddle?"
"Good god, not everything is a damn riddle."
"Um, how should we do this? Alias or real name?" the Scarecrow asked.
"I like my name. Edward Nigma. It's cool. I say real name." The Riddler said.
"I don't have a real name." The Joker pointed out.
"But I don't have an alias," Harley pouted.
"As far as I'm concerned, there are only two people in here with aliases." Poison Ivy said, pointing to the Riddler and the Scarecrow.
"Um, what about me?" Harvey asked indignantly.
"Nobody calls you Two Face." The Riddler said, waving his hand aside.
"I don't know why." He said sadly. "It's so cool."
"Harvey, for the last time, you can't just give yourself a nickname. It doesn't work that way." The Joker sighed.
"How come you have no name?" the Riddler asked. "Now that's a riddle! Why doesn't the Joker have a name? Why do birds have three legs? Why do cats have glow in the dark…"
"Riddler, please stop this right now." Ivy sighed. "You're only digging yourself deeper."
"I don't have a name and that's that." The Joker said firmly.
"Oh yes you do…" Harley sang.
The Joker scowled and put his hand over her mouth.
"Dude, what's your name?" Harvey asked, interested.
Harley made a little noise underneath the Joker's hand, but it wasn't audible. Her eyes were smiling, wide as saucers, excited to divulge.
"I told you, I have no name." He said firmly. "Now let's just arrange ourselves by alias, and if you don't have one, then use your name."
He then whispered something into Harley's ear, and her eyes grew even wider. She nodded fervently under his grasp, and when he released her, she sprang on him and clamped her arms around him.
"Oh, Mistah J!" she yelled into his shoulder. He looked kind of disconcerted, but awkwardly patted her back and peeled her off, pushing her towards Harvey. She grabbed his hand.
"We're sitting next to each other, cause we're alphabetically close!" she said smugly, pulling him along after her. Surprisingly enough, he succumbed.
"Where do I go?" the Riddler asked, raising his hand.
"Between Harvey and I," the Scarecrow said, pointing with a long finger.
"Ugh, no way." Harvey groaned, looking over at Poison Ivy, who was sitting by the window. "Can I sit somewhere else?"
"Alphabetically, please." The nurse, or Mrs. Z quipped, clapping her hands urgently.
"We're GOING!" Harvey yelled. The Joker promptly smacked him upside the head.
"It's a little early for this, isn't it?" he said shortly, Harley still clamped to his arm.
"I guess." He said, still looking longingly at Poison Ivy, who was starting out of the window. Her red hair reflected the golden sunlight, shimmering and sparkling, and…
"Harvey? Yoo hoo? You in there?" asked a mysterious floating hand waving in front of his face. Harvey scowled and smacked it away."
"OKAY!" Harley yelled, standing up on a chair and taking command. "There are only six of us, so we'll just take these three pairs of desks in the front. Mistah J and I will take these, Harvey and Nigma, you take those in the middle, and Crane and Ivy will take those by the window."
"She called me by my name." The Riddler blushed. Harvey sighed.
"Is this what today is going to be like? Because I must say, I don't care for it so far."
"Everybody quiet now, please." Mrs. Z commanded. "I want you all to take out a piece of paper and a pencil."
"Calculators?" the Scarecrow asked.
"If you must," she said. "I want you all to figure this problem out…"
"Why do we have to solve it?" the Riddler asked, raising his hand.
"Just think of it like one big, really hard riddle." The Joker said, his head in his hands.
"I love riddles!"
"WE KNOW." The rest of the classroom responded in unison.
And she hit the electronic board, where an equation suddenly popped up.
Solve for x-
3y=4x+5
"I can't do this!" the Riddler whined immediately.
"Heads I try and solve it, tails I give up automatically." Harvey said, flipping his coin. "DANG." He yelled, throwing the coin across the room. "YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!"
"This is hard." The Riddler scowled. "I can't solve this."
Harvey would have made a derisive comment, but he was staring perplexed at the board, his mouth hanging open and his eyes squinted. The Scarecrow was already done and playing snake, and Harley was erasing something on the Joker's paper.
"No, puddin', you have to divide the whole thing by 4, or it doesn't work."
"I know, Harley."
"Then how come you did it wrong?" she asked innocently. He glowered.
"Do you want me to retract my offer?"
She shut up immediately.
"What offer?" Harvey asked, leaning over.
"Mistah J told me that if I told no one his real name then he would…"
"Now, there's no need for telling, is there?" the Joker said, pulling Harley back in her seat. "Shush, will you?"
"But I want to tell him…"
"No."
"Did anyone get 3y-5/4=x?" Mrs. Z asked, tapping the board with her hand. Harley, the Joker, and the Scarecrow raised their hands.
"Yeah, but WHY is that the answer?" the Riddler asked.
"Harley got it right? Shit, that makes me a total retard." Harvey whined. "Hm. Should I yell really loud about this, or get over it? Where's my coin?"
"You threw it over there," the Joker said pointing.
"I can't make my own decisions!" he whined, getting on all fours and searching for it. "Oh good, here it is." He flipped it. "HOW COME HARLEY CAN DO IT AND I CAN'T!?"
"I'm SMART!" she yelled, throwing her pencil down. "JESUS."
"You keep telling yourself that, Harl." The Joker said, patting her head. She scowled, but he half smiled at her and she beamed.
"Aw, Puddin'…"
"Now, Mr. Dent, what did you get?" Mrs. Z said, smacking a ruler on Harley's desk so she would stop talking. Harley sat back down on his desk, and quickly flipped his coin.
"Um…4?"
"How did you get that answer, Mr. Dent?"
"Well, heads it would have been -37."
"Can you tell me why that's wrong?"
"I LOVE RIDDLES!"
"Shut up, you ignoramus. Um, it was wrong because…guessing is futile?"
"No. Guessing is inaccurate and hardly ever right. Guessers are losers. As are you."
"Harsh," Harvey muttered.
"I think she's right on," the Joker grinned. Harvey shot him a glare while the Riddler giggled.
"Hey Harvey. Riddle me this- what do you get when you combine an angry villain and a math problem?"
Harvey did not guess.
"I'll tell you! A pile of WRONG ANSWER! Haha!"
"Yeah, you really got me there." He scowled.
"Wait…why do you have to divide it there?" the Riddler asked, pointing.
"If you don't understand it now, you never will." The teacher snapped, smacking the board again so the problem changed. "Solve this please."
"Shouldn't we review the previous problem so those who got it wrong can catch up?" the Scarecrow asked, frowning. Mrs. Z said nothing, but glared at him. He shrank back into his chair and began to solve the new problem.
Solve for x-
15y-3.2m^(3q)=7
"There is no x." Harley said. "We can't solve for x if it isn't there."
"Man, and I was done and everything." Harvey said, throwing his pencil down. "I DESPISE what I cannot understand!"
And he punched his desk, completely shattering it. A bit of shrapnel flew up and hit the Riddler in the face, causing the Joker to fall over laughing.
"Mr. Dent, that is destruction of Arkham property!" the teacher said indignantly. "Apologize to Mr. Nigma."
"You don't know me, do you?" he said flatly, taking this opportunity to take a new desk next to Poison Ivy, who was braiding her hair, looking up at the ceiling.
"Um, hello?" Harley said, waving her hand around in the air, pushing her new glasses up the bridge of her nose. "We can't solve for a variable that doesn't exist."
"Maybe it's imaginary," Crane suggested. "There's a theorem that…"
"Oh good GOD no one cares." Harvey said, putting his head down on his desk. "This makes no sense enough already."
"Now, why do you think that is?" the Riddler asked. "When does something not make any sense? When it's pickled. I don't understand pickles. Cucumbers are so much better."
Harvey was about to spring on him and attack him, but the bell rang.
"FINALLY." He said loudly, picking up his stuff and storming up, the Joker following him. He looked behind him meaningfully at Harley, but she motioned for him to go on ahead.
"I'll be right there puddin', trust me," she said winking. "I wouldn't miss this."
He turned around and followed after Harvey, who, by the sound of it, was punching holes through the walls as he walked.
"So tell me about that theorem," Harley said, sitting down next to Crane, her eyes as wide as saucers. Excited, he began to divulge the secrets of math to her, as she nodded eagerly and soaked up the knowledge.
The Riddler wanted no part of this, so he grabbed an absent minded Ivy's wrist and scuttled out of the room, Ivy stumbling along after him.
Day Two- Social Studies
"I like history," Ivy said as they waited in the classroom for their teacher to show up. "It's very interesting."
"Yeah. I guess." Harvey said, sitting next to her. "If you like being bored to death."
"You don't like history?"
"I don't like what I don't understand," he sighed, resting his head on his hand, propped up on the desk with his elbow.
"That's because your brain would fill only the skulls that are…preconsul." The Scarecrow said, and Harley giggled.
"That wasn't funny." The Joker said, frowning.
"Oh, you just don't get it, puddin'." Harley said, patting his shoulder. "See, a preconsul skull is…"
"You know what? I get it now. Ha. Ha ha. How funny." He said, talking over her.
"Why are pencils yellow?" the Riddler asked, examining his pencil in the light. "Why are they so sharp? Why is the eraser always on the same end?"
"Because it can't be on the same end as the tip." The Joker explained through clenched teeth. "Then there would be no point."
"Ooh a pun! I like puns." The Riddler said, clapping. "You ARE funny."
"Hello class!" someone said, bursting in the room. "I'm sorry I'm a little late…"
"Time is money." The Scarecrow scolded.
"No it's not. Time is a measurement of…time. Money is what you buy stuff with." Harvey told him, scowling.
"It's a saying, Harvey." The Scarecrow said slowly. "It has a figurative meaning."
"I hate you."
"Hate you too, Harvey." He said, writing his name on his paper. Harvey scowled, drawing little stick figures with x's for eyes, and labeling them "the Scarecrow is dead so there".
"Who's ready to learn about history?" the teacher asked, passing out a packet to everyone. Only a few people raised their hands. Harvey responded by making retching noises.
"Now that's not a good attitude," the teacher said, writing 'Mrs. Stroma' on the board. "You have to LOVE to learn!"
"I love Mistah J!"
"Yes, we know, Harley," the Joker sighed, his head down on his desk. "I had a long night, Harl, so if you can tone it down a bit…"
"What were you doing?" she asked, bouncing up and down.
He raised an eyebrow at her.
"You were there."
"Oh." She giggled. "Yeah. Haha."
"What did you do?" Ivy asked, leaning over to Harley.
"Well, yesterday he told me that if I didn't tell anyone his name, then he would…"
"Harley, for god sakes, SHUT UP." He said, not removing his head from the desk.
"Oh right." She smiled, leaning on his shoulder. He scowled. Harvey raised an eyebrow at him, but he ignored him.
"I don't want to talk about it." He said shortly.
"Why not?" the Riddler asked. "I find that the more you talk about something, the more open…"
"I suggest you talk less about this." The Scarecrow said, writing in all the answers in the packet he just received. "I know you don't like being punched in the face by angry clowns."
"I am afraid of clowns," he said, looking nervously at the Joker, who grinned at him.
"Yes, I know. You tell me every day." The Scarecrow sighed.
"It's because you're so easy to talk to. You're nice."
"I'm flattered."
"We're best friends."
"I know."
"Ivy is MY best friend!" Harley exclaimed. Ivy smiled at her. Harvey looked over at the Joker, as if expecting him to proclaim their friendship, but when he did not, he sighed and looked back at the teacher, who was ready to start teaching.
"Now, we're going to start at the very beginning. Neanderthals, as you all know, were the first upright apes, and evolved in the humans you know today. But what people don't know is that another humanoid mammal of the day was the preconsul ape, one of very little intelligence…"
"HEY!"
The Scarecrow sniggered, while Harvey shot daggers into his head with his eyes.
"Now, can anyone tell me what that age was called?"
The Riddler raised his hand.
"Yes, Mr. Nigma?"
"Ye Olden Times?"
"No, that is incorrect. Any other guesses?"
"But why is it wrong? When does success become before work? In the dictionary. So that means this can only be solved with a dictionary. I SHALL FETCH THE DICTIONARY!"
And he leaped out of his seat and out of the room.
"Somebody shut the door, quick!" Harvey exclaimed, but Ivy grabbed his arm and held him down in his seat.
"Harvey," she said, "Don't…"
And he obliged.
The room stared at him.
"I have been trying for YEARS to get him to sit down and shut up." The Joker exclaimed. "how did you do that, and where did you get your magic powers?"
"I don't think it's anything you can do, puddin,'" Harley said, patting his arm. "You aren't very…"
"Very what?"
"Let me put it this way," Harley said in a low tone, looking over at Ivy. "Ivy has long eyelashes to bat and a head full of red hair to toss around. I think that's the magic Harvey has succumbed to."
"Harvey likes IVY?" he yelled, whipping his head around to look at them. Harvey scowled at him, the charred side of his face looking rather frightening. Ivy, meanwhile, turned a shade of pink and hid her face with said red hair.
"Dude, be cool." Harvey snarled, baring his set of brilliantly white teeth. Ivy blushed.
"Ugh, I can't handle all the love." The Joker said resentfully.
"Please cut the chatter!" Mrs. Stroma said.
The Riddler leaped heroically back into the room, clutching a dictionary.
"I have arrived with the answer!" he proclaimed.
"Dude, where did you find that?" Harvey asked.
"In the Arkham library," the Riddler replied, rolling his eyes. "Where else?"
"Arkham has a library?" Harvey asked, looking around the room. Everyone nodded slowly at him. He threw up his hands and reclined in his seat. "Well, that's news to me."
"The age you were previously referring to…" the Riddler said, riffling through the dictionary. "Is…THE PALEOLITHIC ERA!"
"Very good!" Mrs. Stroma applauded, tossing him a package of candy. "Here are some Smarties for the smarty!"
"YAY!" he said, sitting down and tearing into his candy. "Why are they so flat? Why are they round, and yet have sharp edges? Why is the sky…"
The Scarecrow stopped him by picking up one of the candies in his long fingers and stuffing it up the Riddler's nose.
"Point taken." He said, snorting it out. "Anyone want this?"
Everyone stared at him blankly, except Harvey, who was flipping his coin.
"No, I don't want it." He grumbled, looking at the head end of his coin staring up at him. "Man. I was hungry."
"Okay class, we're moving on to the Middle Ages!" Mrs. Stroma exclaimed. "Can anyone tell me what system of government was prominent in the Middle Ages?"
"Feudalism." Harley said without looking up. She was drawing hearts on the Joker's paper, and he was erasing them as she went.
"Very good! Now, what were the classes of the feudal system?"
"Dumb, dumber, and dumbest?" Harvey suggested.
"Sure, but where would you fit in?" the Scarecrow asked. Harvey shrugged. "You'd be the feudal master. Lord Dumbest Of All."
"I resent that."
"Serfs, lords, and kings," Harley said, talking over Harvey and the Scarecrow.
"Excellent. What was the job of the serfs?"
"To garden and plant plants and water trees and tend the lawn and grow vegetables." Ivy said, sniffing a flower she had procured from one of her spores.
"Yes, they were basically servants to the lords."
"I am so bored…" Harvey groaned, flopping over on his desk. "When is this over? I hate being educated."
"You need it though," the Joker muttered.
"Excuse me?"
"I said, you need it."
"I do not. I will have you know that I am VERY intelligent."
This time it was not only the Joker, but the entire room that burst into peals of laughter. Harvey fumed,
"Hey! I was a politician!"
"Exactly," Harley snorted. "What does your IQ have to be for that? Two?"
"Everyone, please…" Mrs. Stroma tried to say, but there was no settling them down now.
And then the bell rang, and Harvey stormed out of the room, kicking a few desks as he went. The rest of the class filtered out slowly, still in a considerable uproar.
The Joker left Harley behind in a hurry. He didn't want a repeat of last night.
Since she was so close to revealing his true name, he had to give her something so she wouldn't tell. And that came in many forms. To get her to shut up, he had to sit down with her and talk about 'them' all night, and then kiss her for three whole minutes.
Those were the longest three minutes of his life.
He didn't care for Harley. But, she was rather useful, and the fast loyalty didn't hurt either. So he figured it wasn't a crime to keep her happy.
Day Three- Science
Now today, there was one particular villain who looked excited for the classes. Two, in fact. For some reason, both Harley and the Joker were clad in lab coats and safety goggles.
"I'll bite," the Scarecrow said. "What is with the lab coats?"
"Well," Harley explained. "We are both people of science. And today, there will be limitless chemicals and equipment with which to manufacture…"
But the Joker elbowed her, and she silenced.
"We feel that it's best to keep it under wraps for now," he said, grinning. "But I assure you, you will all be pleasantly surprised."
"I like surprises." The Riddler said.
"Do I like surprises?" Harvey asked his coin, which was flipping through the air. "Yes. Yes I do."
"Good to know." The Joker said, clapping him on the back. Harvey grimaced and rubbed his shoulder.
"Wrong side, buddy. Wrong side."
"Sorry."
"Yeah, well, maybe after the fifty seventh time you'll finally remember."
"Maybe," he said, snapping on his gloves and walking into the lab, Harley bouncing along behind him.
"Welcome to Science!" the teacher said. "I want you all to put these lab coats…except for you two! You get an A for preparation!"
Harley and the Joker high-fived.
"I'm prepared!" Crane said, waving his hand in the air. "I brought my fear toxin!"
Everyone who was standing around him backed up a good ten feet. He scowled.
"How am I supposed to figure out what the Joker's fear is without it?" he explained as if it were obvious. The Joker scoffed.
"Please. You know I don't have a fear." He said, waving his hand aside. Harley, who was attached to his arm, agreed.
"It's true," she said, patting him on the head, to which he scowled. "He is fearless."
"Don't be silly. Everyone has a fear," the Scarecrow taunted, waving the serum before the Joker's eyes. The Joker only scowled again and swatted at it. Crane smirked.
"Now, everyone get a lab partner and go to a station," the teacher said, clapping her hands. Harley and the Joker walked over to the back, where they immediately put their heads together and started whispering. Ivy shot a look at Harvey and walked over to a station, and he didn't even flip his coin to see if he should follow her. He just did.
"I guess that leaves you and me," the Scarecrow said to the Riddler.
"But why though? Why does no one like me? Why is the earth round?"
"Just shut up and get over here." He sighed, beckoning the Riddler over, who obliged.
"Welcome to the Science Train! Next stop, KNOWLEDGE!" the teacher exclaimed. "My name is Ms Beaker."
"That is so AWESOME!" the Riddler exclaimed as the Joker giggled in the corner. Harley batted at his arm, and he stopped and continued the mysterious work they were doing.
"Thank you," Ms Beaker beamed. "Now, what we're going to work on is a basic reaction of chemicals. I see that you two are off to a lovely start," she said, motioning towards Harley and the Joker.
"What? Oh, yeah. We are learning so much about…reactants." The Joker said, not looking up, but holding a foaming test tube over the sink while Harley started up the Bunsen burner.
"Can you tell us anything about them, to help along the rest of the class?" she asked. The Joker looked at Harley and nodded, and she sighed and turned around, putting her safety goggles on her head.
"Some chemicals react differently to some chemicals than others. When two chemicals react, they change in structure and form a new chemical, but all of the basic components of molecular structure are still there. Is that good?" and she put her goggles back on and turned back around.
"Very well explained." The teacher said, scribbling some nonsense on the board.
"Harvey, you can't mix that…" Ivy warned.
BOOM.
"Oops."
Everyone looked at Harvey and Ivy's station to see a blackened and surprised Harvey dent in front of a smoking and shattered beaker with a mysterious looking substance splattered around it. The Joker giggled without looking up from his mysterious work.
"Now, what Harvey did was mix…" Ms Beaker said, walking over to his station and picking up two beakers. "Hydro-choleric acid and sodium. See, there's your problem," she said to a non amused Harvey.
"Well, it was either the sodium or the Riddler," he said, "but the coin told me sodium."
"Well, let's follow the procedure from now on instead of the coin, okay?" she said, patting his shoulder.
"Yeah, I'm not sure if I can do that." He said, frowning. "The coin gets mad if I don't ask it things. And I can't make my own decisions."
"I'll help you." Ivy said, tending to a plant she created a few minutes ago. "Just do what I say."
"Yeah…I don't know if I'm comfortable giving you that kind of power," he said, stroking his coin with his thumb. She raised an eyebrow at him, a questioning look crossed over her pale face.
"Oh, come on…" she said, stroking his arm gently. Harvey blanched.
"Okay." He agreed. Ivy smiled at him and turned back to her plant.
"What do you get when a aardvark and a tomato cross paths in a wheat field?"
"I don't know, usually you tell riddles that relate to the situation." The Scarecrow said, reading the procedure.
"I know," the Riddler sighed, leaning up against the table. "But I'm having writer's block, and I can't think of any."
"So you used the farm scenario one?"
"Yep."
"You are so LAME!" Harvey said, banging his head down on the desk. "If you can't tell a riddle that makes sense, DON'T TELL ONE AT ALL!"
"But…that's like, all of them!" the Riddler said, his eyes wide.
"EXACTLY."
"Now, what do you find when you mix the two chemicals on your desk?" Ms Beaker asked.
"Um, none of us really got that far yet," the Scarecrow said, balancing several test tubes in his arms. "Because some of us are hot-headed, and some of us have useless partners."
"Well, when you do get there, can you fill in page seven with your findings?"
"Sure thing," the Scarecrow said, his voice muffled due to the beaker he was holding with his teeth. The Riddler was scrawling frantically on a piece of paper.
"Are those your observations?" the teacher asked, leaning over to read it.
"No," laughed. "These are some riddles I'm writing. I'm hoping to publish a book of riddles."
"Well, those are charming," Ms Beaker said, "but I want you to work on the lab."
There was an odd beeping from Harley and the Joker's station.
"Don't worry about that…" the Joker said, waving his hand. "Just ignore us."
"You don't have to tell me twice," Harvey said. Harley rolled her eyes and put something in the thing they were working on, which resulted in a huge cloud of smoke that billowed out and filled the whole room.
"Don't worry about the mysterious smoke…" Harley coughed. "Nothing to be suspicious about…"
"Okay, what the hell are you guys doing?" Ivy asked, smacking her hand down on the desk.
"Calm down woman, it's almost done." The Joker said shortly. "Good god."
"What's almost done?" Ms Beaker asked curiously, walking towards their station.
"You know what? It would probably be better if you didn't look," the Joker said, pushing her back.
"I think I should look, you look knee deep in sci…WHAT IS THAT?"
"This," the Joker said, wielding a remote control, "is the Clown Prince of Crime 3000. Behold it's power!"
And a little clown robot clanked out from behind the station, a maniacal grin over it's metal façade.
"That doesn't really look like you," Ivy frowned. "Is it supposed to?"
"It's a little fat."
"Why does it have a gun for an arm?"
BANG.
"That's why." The Joker said sourly. "Don't you see? This little marvel…"
"It's our love child." Harley smiled.
"Harley, not the time." He scowled. "Anyway, this little marvel is the answer to all of our problems."
"How so?" the Scarecrow asked, interested.
"Check this out," Harley smiled, pushing a button on the remote.
"Harley, when I have the remote, I push the buttons." The Joker snapped at her. Meanwhile, the Clown Prince of Crime 3000 was expelling a purple gaseous substance.
"Is that…" Harvey asked, pointing.
"Joker Laughing Gas? You bet," he grinned. Harvey clamped a hand over his mouth.
"THIS IS NOT WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW!" he yelled, running out of the room.
"This is inappropriate for a school setting!" Ms Beaker said, quite startled.
"Um, this isn't school. It's a mental ward. So you can't get mad at us, because we're imbalanced." Harley said quickly.
"It's a school setting enough!" Ms Beaker said, waving the toxic fumes away from her nose. Meanwhile, the Scarecrow found this a perfect opportunity to release his fear toxin into the room. The green and purple gases mixed, creating a quite dastardly fog that swirled menacingly around the room.
"I can't believe you would do something like this!" Ms Beaker yelled. "Can you even imagine how much destruction you could cause with this?"
"Why do you think we made it?" the Joker asked, shaking his head.
"Are we going to escape?" the Riddler asked.
"You and your silly questions," Harley smiled, tousling his hair. "No, we built it because we think it's cute."
"It's not really," Ivy said, inspecting the little clown robot.
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that," Ms Beaker said, snatching the remote from the Joker.
"Hey!"
"You see, while you are in Arkham, you must stay here until you are properly treated. And we had hoped that with this education program, you would learn how to behave, function, and provide in and for society, and become useful human beings. But, if all you care about it making destructive robots, then congratulations, you get to stay here forever."
"What!?" the Riddler shrieked. "I didn't do anything! Why am I getting punished? When is a punishment unfair? When I didn't do it!"
"I didn't really mean it…" she muttered. "I don't have that power, but I DO refuse to teach you any more! And I am canceling the rest of your classes!"
"What?" Harvey yelled, running back into the room. "No more learning? HOORAH!"
"Shut up, you cretin." The Scarecrow scowled. "Some of us enjoy learning."
"Yeah," Harley said, picking up the robot and stroking his head gently.
"Harley, IT'S NOT OUR LOVE CHILD. Put it down."
"But I already named him," she said mournfully.
"So did I. Clown Prince of Crime 3000."
"I like Jay Jay Quinn better," she smiled. The Joker sighed.
"So…no more classes?" the Riddler asked, a smile tugging on his face.
"No. You don't deserve the knowledge!" she said, throwing down the remote and stomping on it.
"Now, that is just cruel." The Joker said, staring at her like she was a monster. "Do you realize how much we worked on that?"
"GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!" she yelled.
"Point taken," the Riddler said, and skipped out, the Scarecrow and Ivy following him.
"Come on Jay Jay, let's go." Harley pouted, clutching the metal monstrosity and running out of the room with it. The Joker shook his head slowly at Ms Beaker, and bent over, scooped up the shattered remote in his arms, and ran out after Harley.
Ms Beaker, however, stayed,
And she had forgotten about the dangerous gas that was slowly diffusing towards her nostrils.
So in a matter of minutes, not only was she laughing hysterically, she was screaming about giant spiders and rattlesnakes that weren't really there. So when the other teachers came in and saw her in conniptions on the ground, they decided that perhaps the chemicals had gotten to her brain, and they took her in for shock therapy, after which she was admitted to Arkham as a patient.
Funny how things work out that way.
As for the criminal patients, they were thrilled that they didn't have to learn anymore. Except for Harley and Crane, who had instated their own private study group. Every Wednesday, for the interest of learning, they were allowed to go to the library and read. One day, Harvey was walking around aimlessly and wandered into the library. As soon as he realized where he was, his first move was to ask the librarian if they had any beauty magazines, and his second move was to run out and away as fast as he could.
And that was the education program. A planned ten week program that lasted three days.
But would that stop someone else from trying something new?
Of course not.
Don't be silly.
As the Riddler would say-
When a bird is flying through the air, would it stop to go to McDonalds? No. Because McDonalds is gross. As is bird poop. And all the attempts to cure us.
And that's pretty much that.