I haven't said this yet, and I probably should have, but I don't own DC comics, nor anything else I allude to.

Have fun with this one.

An authors note- I don't know why the characters don't act like they should, but I figured I should put it out there that I know they are extremely out of character. I don't know from where they came.

There was something new in the air in the Elizabeth Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, the sole mental institution of Gotham City. However, whether that new thing in the air was the Riddler's new cologne or the upcoming talent show was anybody's guess.

The talent show was definitely bringing forth an excitement in the inmates. Most of them had been cooped up in cells with each other, and needed a chance to express their skills.

However, some people didn't have a proper assessment of their skills.

"I don't know what I want to do," the Scarecrow muttered, standing in a long line of talent show hopefuls. Of course, no Arkham doctor was going to turn any patients away, they were merely checking for appropriateness of the acts.

Looking around, Crane watched his fellow patients work on their acts. Harvey Dent was juggling two chainsaws and Harley Quinn, who seemed too excited that she was included to be fearing for her life, Poison Ivy was singing some song about plants, and both the Riddler and the Joker were doing stand up. However, the Joker had suddenly come down with a hell of a cold, and could barely stand as it was.

"Hey, about that asylum food," the Riddler said, talking into a banana, practicing his routine. "If I wasn't crazy before, it's this food that's…"

"Your jokes suck, Digba." The Joker commented, sniffing and shooting a ball of flame from a device concealed in his sleeve. Ivy raised an eyebrow.

"Fire? Really? You think they're going to allow that?" she asked skeptically, sipping from a bottle of water. The Joker only smiled, coughing into his sleeves.

"Dear, dear Ivy…have you any sendse?" he laughed softly. "Fire is fundy. Obviously."

"No one is laughing." Harvey said, not breaking his concentration on the juggling. Harley giggled.

"I like it, Mistah J." she said, curled up in a ball so Harvey could juggle her easier. "Hey Harv, I'm getting dizzy, could you…"

"Not a chance," he said, his eyes fixed in cold concentration. "We need to practice if we want to win,"

Harley said nothing, but squeezed her eyes closed and clamped her mouth shut. Crane noticed that a little bit of green was showing through her white face paint.

"Hey, Ed, what should I do for my act?" he asked the Riddler, who was sorting through his material.

"Oh, what is life but one big mystery?" he said absentmindedly, not looking up. "For we are all just puppets working for the big…"

"Never mind." Crane grumbled, walking away. "I don't care anymore."

"You could sing with me," Ivy suggested. "I could harmonize you in somewhere."

"No thanks, Ivy." He sighed. "I don't believe in music, remember?"

"Oh. Right."

"Okay," Harley groaned. "You gotta let me down now. Aren't you gettin' tired yet?"

"I told you, Harley, we need to practice." Harvey said, juggling faster. Harley groaned again. The Joker stopped hacking into a Kleenex and looked over.

"Hey, Harvey, take id easy." He said seriously. "Harley doesn'd hold food down easily. I took her for a ride in my helicopter, righd after she ade a grandola bar, and bamb. All over the place. Took be a month to get all of the vomit off the controls."

Harvey shrugged.

"Doesn't faze me," he said. Ivy marched up to him.

"Harvey Dent, you let her down right now, do you hear me?" she demanded. Harvey shook his head again.

"It's what it takes to win."

"There is no winning!" Harley cried. Harvey was juggling faster.

"You leave me no choice, Harvey," Ivy said quietly. Grabbing his face with her hands, she kissed him full on the lips, and surprised him so much that he dropped Harley right onto the ground. Of course, that meant he also dropped two, heavy, roaring chainsaws. The Joker dived in and scooped Harley up from the floor before she could be massacred by the huge buzzing tools.

"Thanks, puddin'…" she muttered, before throwing up on him. The Joker groaned, sniffing again, and looked reproachfully at Harley.

At this time, a nurse trotted over to them.

"Is something wrong?" she asked. The Joker didn't say anything, but looked at her in disbelief. The nurse looked at his shoulder, where Harley had tossed her cookies, and nodded.

"Come with me, I'll clean you both up." She said, turning around and beckoning for him to follow. Harley still in his arms, he sighed and followed.

But Crane still didn't know what his talents were.

"You've known me for a long time, right Harvey?" he asked him, leaning up against the wall. "What am I good at?"

"Being a jerk?" Harvey shrugged. "That's all I got. You're smart. Do math or something."

"That's the worst idea I've ever heard," the Riddler snorted.

"You wanna live to see the end of this line?" Harvey yelled, wielding a coin. "Because heads you don't!"

"Why is it always heads?" the Riddler inquired. "Why not tails? Is heads the favorable of the two?"

"Good god, you need to stop that." Harvey growled. "You know I do it because I can't make my own decisions. It's a disorder."

"It's true." Crane said, looking up. "The fear of choosing the wrong choice. Leading one's self astray. This leads to indecision. And that leads to Harvey."

"Okay, you're next." Harvey said, wielding a great fist. Crane swallowed and walked away.

"Well, can dance?" Ivy asked him after he slumped down in a corner. "You could do a dance routine."

"I don't know. I'm not really coordinated," he sighed. "Maybe I just won't be in the talent show."

"But it's so fun!" the Riddler exclaimed, straightening his hat. "All of those people cheering and applauding for you…I love the stage."

"Eddie, no one cares." Harvey said, starting to juggle again. "We all went to your one man performance of My Fair Lady."

"Don't remind me." Ivy muttered. Looking ahead, she saw that the line was crawling forward a rate of about one persons every five minutes. "Say, are they actually going to turn mentally ill people down? I mean, they can't be that harsh, can they?"

To answer her question, the door at the end of the line opened, and a patient ran out, bawling.

"THEY SAID NO! THEY SAID NO!"

"There's your answer," Crane said, pointing. Ivy shook her head angrily.

"It's just not fair."

"Fair? I'll give you fair! Try having acid thrown in your face! Try never going on a date again, because you're just too damn UGLY!"

"Harvey, please."

"No! This has gone on long enough! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!"

"You're finally getting it!" the Riddler said, patting him on the shoulder. Harvey scowled and punched him in the face without even looking at him.

"I thought we were together." Ivy scowled, looking directly at Harvey. "Or does that not really count?"

Harvey blanched.

"We are…but we haven't been on a date, so…"

"Dates?" someone squealed. Harvey groaned.

"Great. Harley's back."

"Yeah, and they gave me LOTS of drugs so I feel better!" she said, giving him a hug. "So. I've decided that I don't' want you to juggle me anymore."

"What?"

"Yeah. You make me nauseous. So. I've decided to work with Mistah J!"

"Harley?" Ivy asked, pushing Harvey aside. "Why wasn't that your plan in the first place? It makes a lot more sense."

"I wanted to be juggled," she shrugged. "But Mistah J worked me into his act."

"No I haved't." he said, sneezing. Ivy wrinkled her nose and backed away a good few feet.

"Aren't you a little…sick?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him as he started to cough violently. He shook his head at her, rolling his eyes.

"No. I dever get sick." He scowled. Crane shook his head at him.

"You know, you may have a fear after all." He said interestedly, cocking his head. "Something along the lines of incompetence, backing down, weakness…"

"I told you, stubid, I habe no fear." He said proudly, strolling past him. Crane recoiled as the Joker started to hack again.

"Good god man, go to bed." Harvey said, shielding his face. "Save us all from the plague."

"I don't habe the plague," the Joker scowled, pulling a tissue from his pocket. "Who wants to see be bake this apple dissabear?"

"You're baking an apple for a bear?"

"Why would I bake an apple for a bear?" he frowned.

"It's what you said." Crane shrugged.

"I've never baked an apple…" the Riddler said thoughtfully.

"Oh, well maybe it's good." Ivy shrugged. "Personally, I don't like to see fruit killed in such a way, but, I can't control what other people do."

"No, I'b not baking an apple for a bear." The Joker scowled. "I'b baking an apple dissabear."

"I still don't get it," Harvey shrugged. "The coin doesn't have an answer for this one."

"He's making an apple disappear." Harley sighed, stroking his arm. "He just can't say it."

"I can too."

"I thought you were doing stand up?" the Riddler asked. "Or are you too afraid of losing to me? Decided to change to magic, eh? The lesser of the two? Well, what is life but one big riddle, and you're riddling the biggest riddle of all, finding out that you yourself…"

"Punch hib agaid, Harvey."

"I'm not even going to ask you if I should." Harvey said, shoving his coin in his pocket, once again, punching the Riddler squarely in the face.

"Wait, Mistah J, maybe you should let me do the magic parts." Harley said, taking the apple from him with two fingers, wrinkling her nose. Upon inspection, Crane noticed that it was because the Joker had sneezed on it. "You can tell the jokes."

"Find." He scowled.

"Find what?" Harvey asked.

"What are we looking for? What is anyone looking for? What…" came the muffled voice of the Riddler from the ground.

"He said 'fine'." Harley corrected, tousling the Joker's hair. "You know, Mistah J, this whole thing just ain't worth it. I'll bring you up to the cafeteria and get you some tea, and then we can…"

"I hate tea."

"Then stop being gross." Ivy muttered, covering her mouth with her hand. The Joker grinned and walked up to her, purposefully coughing in her face. She screamed and kicked him away.

"Stop that, you freak!"

"You can't catch it," he said, running after her. "You're a plant!"

"Well, I CAN!" Harvey yelled. "And this is NOT WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW!"

"Calm down." Crane muttered. "Hey Harley, what should my act be? I can't think of anything."

"Hmm." She said, cocking her head and inspecting him. "Can you jump rope?"

"No."

"Can you roller skate?"

"No."

"Can you do acrobatics?"

"No."

"Who wants to see a person roller skate in a talent show?" Ivy said, rolling her eyes.

"I do! Roller skating is cool." Harley said, crossing her arms. "I don't see you trying to help."

"I did try and help! It's not my fault he doesn't believe in music."

"Well, you should have tried harder!"

"Excuse me, I tried just as hard as you did!"

"No! I came up with three whole ideas!"

"Yeah, three ideas that SUCKED!"

"YOU SUCK!"

"GIRL FIGHT! GIRL FIGHT!" all of the surrounding males chanted as Harley and Ivy coiled.

"Harley! Don't get beat ub. I deed you for by act."

"He's giving Harley the deed to his house?" Harvey asked Crane, who shook his head.

"No, I think he said he'll do a good deed if she's in his act."

"Oh." Harvey said, nodding. The Joker responded by blowing his nose heartily in a tissue.

"Where'd you get that cold, anyway?" Crane asked, looking skeptically on him. The Joker shrugged.

"I dunno. Allergies, probably."

"You have allergies?"

"Dude, there's gonna be a girl fight and you're talking about allergies?" Harvey asked loudly. "You're a NERD!"

"I happen to not care about girl fights." Crane responded, shaking his head. Harvey looked at him bewilderedly only for a moment, then turned his attention back to Harley and Ivy, who were clawing at each other viciously.

"TAKE IT BACK!" Harley screamed. Ivy growled.

"OH, I'LL TAKE IT BACK!" she yelled back.

"That doesn't even make sense." Crane said, frowning. "And I still don't have an act."

The line was drawing closer to the door, and the Riddler, who had regained consciousness after Harvey's blow, was getting very nervous. Harley was tugging on Ivy's red hair, her face contorted in fury.

"Will you get off me!?" Ivy seethed, slapping her away.

"You get off me!" she replied, slapping her away. What resulted what was described as a pretty intense slap fight.

"You're just mad cause the Joker doesn't love you!" Ivy yelled, kicking at Harley, who turned red.

"YES HE DOES!" she screamed, kicking back. "You're just mad cause your boyfriend is AS DUMB AS A ROCK!"

"Hey!" Harvey said, frowning. "That's not fair. I'd give myself at least the IQ of several rocks."

"Just stob talking, Harvey." The Joker sighed, walking up to Harley, grabbing her by the waist, and pulling her away from Ivy, who was getting dangerous. "Harley, don't bake her anybore bad thad she already is."

"Well, we're all bad." The Riddler frowned. "That's why we're here."

"If you can't understand be, then stop listening." He scowled, still holding a flailing Harley by the waist.

The door opened.

"Edward Nigma? It's your turn." A nurse said, poking her head out. Harvey flipped his coin, muttering, "Do I have to wish him good luck?"

The coin landed on his fist and he scowled.

"Good luck." He said, barely audible. The Riddler beamed at him, and walked shakily into the room. The door snapped shut.

"Come on guys, help me out here!" Crane said frantically. "I need a talent!"

"Dude, come get behind me then." Harvey said from the back of the line. "Don't stand so close to the door if you don't know what you're doing."

"Oh, Yeah. That's probably a good idea." He said, shuffling back towards the back of the line where Harvey was. "But what am I going to do? Seriously?"

"We don't know." Harley sighed, still glaring at Ivy, who was glaring back at her.

Crane sighed, pacing back and forth. Seemingly deep in thought, he began to talk again.

"Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee. I have thee not, and yet I see thee still. Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible To feeling as to sight? or art thou but A dagger of the mind, a false creation, Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?"

"Um…what?" Harvey asked, scratching his head. "What about a dagger?"

"Crane, that was beautiful!" Ivy said, her eyes wide. "What was that?"

He shrugged. "Macbeth. I memorized the entire play, and I recite it to myself when I'm particularly stressed."

"Why don't you do a monologue from it then?" Harley asked him, her eyes as wide as Ivy's. "You're really good!"

"I was in the drama club," he shrugged.

"Yeah. You would be in the drama club." Harvey sniggered. "Nerd."

"He's got more talent than you." Ivy said, turning towards him. "And, by the way, thanks for helping me when Harley attacked me."

"Yeah, like I was gonna stop that."

She scowled and turned away.

"Are you going to do it?" Harley asked him, bouncing up and down. "You so should!"

"I'm back!" the Riddler announced, strolling out of the door.

"Yeah? What'd dey say?" the Joker asked him, narrowing his eyes.

"They said I was cutting edge." He said proudly, clapping the clown on the back. "See you in the cafeteria, Mr. Sneeze."

"Ha! It's a pun! It's like Mr. Free…" Harley began, but stopped short as the Joker shot her a piercing glare.

"Harley Quinn and Mr. Joker?" the woman asked, opening the door. The Joker coughed violently, but made his way towards the door all the same. Harley patted his shoulder sympathetically and followed him into the room.

They found themselves in a makeshift audition room that had once been a high security cell. The Joker looked around uneasily. It was his once.

"What's your act?" a nurse asked, writing on a clipboard, sitting down at a long table next to two other nurses.

"Bagic." The Joker answered. "And stand ub."

"Um…what?"

"He means magic and stand up." Harley corrected. "He's sick."

"I think I know why," a doctor said, his fingers on his temples. "Mr. Nigma had some very…interesting cologne on."

"It was the Riddler?" the Joker yelled. "Oh, I'll get him."

"Yeah. We told him his act was good so he would get the hell out of here. Alright, you can start."

Back outside, Crane was performing another Shakespearian monologue for Ivy and Harvey, but mostly just Ivy. Harvey was asleep.

When he was done, she started to clap.

"You are so GOOD!" she cried, running up and hugging him. "Oh, and I thought you were weird."

"He still is." Harvey grunted. "Just a new kind of weird."

"You know, we should start an Arkham Drama Club!" Ivy gushed.

"We should!"

"Ivy…" Harvey groaned. "What do you want that for?"

"I think it's fun." She said defensively. "Not that you would care."

"Hey, I care lots."

"You flipped your coin to see if you did or not!" she yelled, pointing. Harvey hastily shoved the coin back in his pocket.

"Listen, Ivy, you're really hot, but as soon as you start holding me up to a standard, I won't be able to look past that to your hotness."

Ivy scowled.

"I'll contact someone about that drama club," Crane said eagerly, brushing past Harvey's comments. "It will be so much fun!"

At that moment, Harley and the Joker walked out of the room. The Joker had his arm around Harley, it looked like she was supporting him.

"What happened?" Harvey asked. "They said no?"

"No, they said yes." Harley said, sighing. "He just doesn't feel very good."

"I can walk find," he sniffed, his eyes narrowed. "I need to go kill Digba."

"I'll help you!" Harvey said eagerly. Harley waved him aside.

"Naw, I've gotta get him back to the cell." She said, stroking his hair gently. "Get him some rest. Get him some soup."

"Harley, you know I hade…ondion soup?"

"Yes, puddin', onion soup." She soothed, leading him down the hallway.

"Pamela Isley?" the nurse asked, poking her head through the door.

"Dude, you have a last name?" Harvey asked her, surprised.

Ivy scowled and walked into the room. Crane looked at Harvey and shook his head.

"Do you know anything about girls?"

"Okay. Mr. I've Never Had a Girlfriend." Harvey scowled, crossing his arms. Crane scowled back, but couldn't say much to dispute him.

Ivy came back out, accepted. Harvey went in, and came out, denied. Chainsaws were too dangerous.

"I HATE ARKHAM!" he screamed, stomping his way down the hallway.

"Because you loved it so much before," Crane muttered after him, as Ivy chased him down.

Crane then walked into the room, the last person to try out for the talent show, and preformed his heart out. And of course, he was accepted.

How did the talent show go?

Well, the Joker got better. And when he was fully functioning again, he beat the Riddler to a pulp and smashed his new cologne all over the walls. Needless to say, the Joker was brought into shock therapy where he could be subdued, leaving Harley to do his act all by herself. She, however, decided she didn't want to do magic and stand up, and went with a dance routine instead.

She was just finishing up, and Crane was waiting 'backstage', which meant he was in the hallway outside of the cafeteria door, where the talent show was being held.

As she tapped her last tap, everyone clapped vigorously and cheered. Harley bowed and skipped out of the cafeteria

"Go get 'em!" she said, clapping him on the back.

Crane walked nervously out on the floor, seeing everyone looking expectantly out at him. He took a deep breath and started a monologue he had prepared from King Lear.

He had expected this outcome, of course.

For most everyone to fall asleep.

But there was one shining face in the audience who accepted his talent and loved it-

The face of Poison Ivy.

Harvey was snoring on her shoulder, but she was staring up in admiration at Crane, and he knew he was performing just for her.

You see, Harvey didn't realize it at the time, but he just got one hell of a competitor.

And as he performed for her, and as Harley visited the Riddler in the health ward, two distinct love triangles were formed. As they always do.

The problem was, Harvey was rather insensitive. And the Joker underestimated exactly what Harley meant to him.

Which wouldn't turn out good for either of them.