And lo and behold, here is yet another installment of the Arkham Chronicles! Sorry it's been a while, but...you know...college...
Anyway, thanks for being patient. Here's a brief recap.
PREVIOUSLY, ON ARKHAM CHRONICLES-
The talent show. Villains are eager to show off their talents...and as friction builds up between Harvey and Ivy, she begins to find an interest in someone else. Harley visits the Riddler in the hospital wing, starting something the Joker won't ever expect...
Tempers were running high. Higher than usual, even.
Even Harley, who seemed to like most everyone, was more volatile than usual. Just the other day, the Joker had come up behind her to ask her a question, and she turned around and slapped him in the face before storming angrily away.
Yes, something awful would surely happen if things remained this way. Luckily, one of the nurses had a plan. And of course, as these things usually go, it was a stupid plan. But since she was a nurse and had power, she was allowed to execute said stupid plan.
What the inmates needed was patience. And what better way to teach patience than with yoga?
"Look, I can balance this picture frame on my nose."
"Look, I don't give a damn."
"You know Harvey, you were never very supportive of me." The Riddler said, his hands on his hips. "I learned how to do a trick, and I want you to appreciate it!"
"Okay. Here's something for you to appreciate." Harvey said in a low voice, getting very close to the Riddler. "I just flipped this coin. If it landed on heads, it would have been your head up your ass. Luckily for you, it landed on tails. So it's only gonna be MY FOOT!"
The Riddler whimpered as Harvey towered over him, but Ivy swept up next to him and seized his arm, dragging him aside.
"Harvey, please!" she hissed. "You're making a scene."
"Can't help it." He said gruffly. "It's in my blood."
"Hey guys," Crane said, walking up to the three villains, "Did you see this flyer?"
Harvey grabbed it.
"Learn the subtle art of patience…all criminally insane must attend a mandatory YOGA LESSON?"
Seething, he crumpled up the paper and threw it behind him. The crumpled flyer hit the Riddler in the face.
"Hey." He whined. "Riddle me this. If I were a lamp with no shade, and you squirted the juice of a freshly picked cucumber, then how would you analyze the…"
"God, Eddie, don't provoke him." Ivy groaned. "Why do you insist on constantly pissing him off? Riddle me that, Nigma."
He didn't respond.
"I don't know," Crane shrugged, picking up the flyer and un-crumpling it. "I think yoga might be fun."
"What planet are you from?" Harvey asked, an eyebrow raised.
"Earth." Crane replied, frowning. "Why?"
"He doesn't understand the insult." Ivy said quietly to Harvey.
"You're an idiot," he muttered, turning around and walking away. Crane looked at Ivy, and she back at him. Both shrugging, they turned towards the cafeteria. The Riddler followed them.
"Have you guys seen the C Crew?" he asked, coming in between them. Ivy and Crane both looked at him and frowned.
"Um…'C Crew?"
"Yeah. The C Crew."
"Ed, we have no idea what you're referencing." Crane sighed. "Please be more specific."
"Harley and the Joker." He said, like it was obvious. "They've asked people to start calling them the C Crew."
"C…oh. Clown. I get it. Wow. That is incredibly stupid."
"Yeah," the Riddler shrugged. "But I'm afraid of both of them, so I figured I'd just go along with it."
"I'm not calling them that." Ivy scowled, taking a seat at the table. "It's ridiculous."
"I'll say." The Joker grumbled from behind her. The three villains turned around to see him standing there, a very irate look on his white face.
"You don't like it?" Crane asked, cocking his head.
"Like it? I hate it. It's stupid." He grumbled, looking over at Harley, who was talking merrily to another patient. "She came up with it. I was forced to go along with it."
"I'd let her call us anything she wanted…" the Riddler sighed. The Joker shrugged.
"Whatever. All I know is, she helps me blow stuff up. So I just go with it."
"That's not really like you." Harvey said. "Come on man. Stick up for yourself."
"Yeah. She might just leave you!" The Riddler said, bouncing up and down. "You know, after you beat me up because I made you sick, she visited me in my sick bed, and she said…"
"Nigma, if you value your life, you won't continue with that statement." The Joker sighed. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit next to Harley and try to get her to shut up for half an hour."
"I'd let her talk in my ear all day…"
The Joker slapped him upside the head and moved on, sitting next to Harley at a table.
"So. There's a lot of woman stealing going on this week." Harvey said, looking directly at Crane. Crane looked at him innocently, shrugging.
"I don't know why you're looking at me. You're the insensitive clod."
"I would punch you, but my anger management coach has forbade me from punching people." Harvey growled, wielding the coin. "But tails, I'm willing to fail the course."
Crane said nothing further on the subject.
Harley was pacing back and forth. Yoga? What kind of nonsense was that? She was calm. She WAS calm!
"Harley, you're giving me a headache." Ivy muttered.
The six villains were waiting in the multipurpose room for their yoga instructor to show up. It had been ten minutes past the expected time of arrival.
"I like yoga." Crane said. "It stretches your mind."
"No, it stretches your body. Idiot." Harvey replied, rolling his eyes.
"I believe you'll find that yoga is also a very dexterous mind exercise as well, my friend." Crane corrected him. "For you see, balance is derived from the mind, whereas…"
"Whatever." Harvey mumbled, cutting him off. Crane scowled.
"Greeting!" someone said, opening the door. It was clear that this was their new yoga instructor. "You have all learned your very fist lesson in the divine art of yoga!"
"What do you mean?" Ivy asked skeptically.
"Patience." The nurse smiled. "My being late taught you patience. Which was my intention. Also, the line at Starbucks was massive."
"Whatever. Let's just get this over with." Harvey grumbled.
"So what kind of stuff does Harley make you do?" the Riddler whispered to the Joker. He scowled and didn't respond.
"Everyone, please take a mat and lay it out on the ground." The nurse said, gesturing to a bin full of yoga mats.
"Mistah J, will you get me a mat please?" Harley cooed.
"No."
"Puddin'…" she said warningly. "You know that think you like so much?"
"What about it?"
"I'll stop it."
"Fine." He grumbled.
He tossed a green mat to her. She frowned.
"What?" he asked, irritated.
"Actually, I wanted a purple one…"
"Well, that's your damn fault."
"Puddin'…"
The Joker, jaw clenched, took his own purple mat and threw it to her. She smiled and sweetly handed hers back to him.
"I love you, Mistah J."
"Yeah, I know."
"I don't understand." Harvey muttered to the Joker, setting up next to him. "She's got you wrapped around her little finger! What gives?"
"I don't want to talk about it." The Joker snapped.
"Come on, man, We guys have to stick together. I mean, without your bitter sarcasm and rude advice, Ivy would have driven me insane by now…well, more insane."
"Hey!" Ivy cut in, affronted.
"Sorry babe." Harvey said offhandedly. "It's the truth."
"You don't drive me insane." Crane offered, sitting next to her.
"Yeah, and I'll get you whatever color yoga mat you ask for." The Riddler said, sitting next to Harley.
"This pose is called 'downward facing dog'." The nurse said calmly, positioning herself on the mat. "Can you do this for me?"
And as usual, the expected results ensued.
Harley mastered the pose in a matter of seconds, leaving the Riddler staring at her in awe, Crane attempted the pose and managed some awkward deviation of it, Harvey and the Joker didn't even try, and Ivy stretched out happily, basking in the sunlight that was pouring in through the window.
"You know, Harvey," Ivy was saying. "Maybe if you cared about me a little more, I wouldn't drive you so insane."
"Well, maybe if you drove me less insane, I would CARE A LITTLE MORE!"
"Don't you yell at me!"
"Well, don't get all up in my face!"
"Guys, shh…" the nurse soothed. "This is a time for relaxation."
"I can't relax. Have you ever thought something would be awesome only to find out how not awesome it is?"
"Oh! Is THAT how you feel? Fine." Ivy snapped. "You know who likes me? Jonathan does. And he doesn't think I'm…whatever you think I am."
"Psycho."
"Whatever." Ivy muttered, looking away. For a moment, Harvey felt sort of bad, but then he remembered he had a villainous persona to maintain, and shrugged it aside.
"I'm too tall for this mat." The Joker grumbled. "Do you have a longer one?"
"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"
"Harvey, shut your trap. Do you have a bigger mat?"
"No Mr. Joker, I'm sorry. I do not. One of the virtues of yoga is learning to work with what you have." The nurse said calmly. "Now show me that downward facing dog."
The Joker scowled and attempted the pose. Harley looked at him and giggled.
"Oh, Mistah J, you sure do look funny."
"Shut up." He snapped. "No one asked you."
"You're bein' mean to me again." She sniffed, contorting her body into a more advanced pose. "Why are you always so mean to me?"
"Because I can get away with it." He replied gruffly.
And it was true. No matter what he did to Harley, no matter what he said- she still stayed.
"I'm breakin' up with you, Mistah J."
What?
"Harley…what?"
"I'm breakin' up with you." She repeated. "You ain't been nothin' but mean to me. Well, not nothin' but mean to me…but you're still mean. Most of the time. If not thirty percent of the time. And that's too much!"
"Harley, come on," he said, sighing. "How many times to we have to go over this?"
"Enough, I guess." She said shortly. "Eddie, you're in luck. I happen to be single now. You have five minutes to ask me out before I move on to Harvey."
"Ask her out man, for god sakes, ASK HER OUT!" Harvey yelled, slamming his fist on the ground. "I do NOT need that girl hanging around my neck!"
"Calm down, everyone. You are ruining the zen." The nurse said. But she wasn't heard over all of the noise.
"Wait…Harley! You can't just…"
"I can and I did." She said, crossing her arms. "Now come on, Eddie. What's it gonna be?"
"Harley!"
"You can it, Mistah J." she said hotly. "I'm sick of you."
"But Harl…" he said feebly, not entirely aware that the whole room was staring at him. His face felt very hot. And his eyes were burning, What was happening?
"Damn, are you crying?" Harvey yelled, pointing.
"What? Of course not!"
"Yes you ARE!" he cried, clapping. "You're CRYING!"
"No I'm not!" he snapped, his voice thick. But then a betraying tear fell from his eye.
"Everyone, please. There is no drama in yoga." The nurse soothed. "I want you to breathe…breathe…"
"Dude, I can't believe you're crying." Harvey giggled.
Flushing, the Joker stood up.
"I'm going to get shock therapy." He growled. "Don't wait up."
And he stormed out of the room, leaving Harvey in conniptions.
"Oh, finally that dude is funny. Man. Crying, I swear…"
"Now that that's over," the nurse said, eager to take control back of her class. "I want you to all…"
"Harley, I love you." The Riddler said eagerly, taking her hand. "Riddle me this…"
"Eddie, you're runnin' out of time. I suggest you wrap it up quick." Harley said, looking at the clock and at Harvey, who swallowed.
"Willyougooutwithme?"
"Of course, puddin'!" she cooed, kissing his cheek.
Ivy pretended to vomit.
"Okay, well now that we're past that…" the nurse said, moving past it. "Can you all do this pose for me? This is called the crane."
"Ooh! I like this one."
"Shut it, nerd." Harvey scowled.
"I will not 'shut it'." Crane replied, standing on one leg, balancing with some difficulty.
"Here…" Ivy offered, putting her hands around his waist. "Look at one spot and don't move your eyes. It'll help you balance."
"Good point, Ivy." The nurse said. "It's all in the inner ear…so relax the mind…soothe the senses…"
"I'm gonna buy you flowers, and presents, and clothes…" the Riddler was saying, counting off on his fingers.
"Ooh! Hee hee, yay!" Harley said, clapping. "I sure do like you, Mistah R!"
"Oh, COME ON." Harvey groaned. "Think of something new, will you?"
"No." she pouted.
"You can just call me Eddie." The Riddler said, taking her hand. Harley blushed.
"I hate love." Harvey grumbled.
"Is that so?" Ivy asked him, hands on her hips. "Well then, I guess you won't mind if I do this."
And she took Crane's face in her hands and kissed him.
Once she broke off, he smiled dumbly for a second, and then collapsed on the ground.
"Oh no!" she gasped, dropping down next to him. "I forgot to immunize him!"
"What?"
"Harvey," she sighed, rolling her eyes. "Remember when I gave you that shot that made you go owie?"
"Oh. Yeah. Dang, that hurt."
"Well, that was so I wouldn't poison you." She said, looking down at Crane, who was twitching on the floor. She raised her hand. "Can I take him down to the hospital ward? I may have poisoned him."
"Fine, fine." The teacher said, waving her hand aside. Meanwhile, Harley was tied up in a knot on the ground, and the Riddler was looking at her in awe.
"This is going to be so awesome." He whispered.
"I don't think Ivy likes me any more." Harvey frowned, watching her carry Crane out of the door.
"You think?" The Riddler said, attempting a pose. "What was your first clue? The always yelling at you or the kissing another dude?"
"Breathe…breathe…" the teacher was saying. No one was listening.
"Um…probably the yelling at me," Harvey said thoughtfully. "But it really hit me when…"
"It's rhetorical, Harvey." Harley said. "It means you don't have to answer."
"Oh."
Sighing, he sat there for a moment.
"Man, I gotta go talk to the Joker." He said, standing up. "I'll se you guys around."
And he too walked out of the door.
"Dropping like flies," Harley said, shaking her head. "Looks like it's just you and me now, Eddie!"
"Riddle me this…" he said, taking her head in his hands. "What do you get when you combine a jar of mustard sauce and a bowl of hair scrunchies? The way I feel about you."
"Awwww, EDDIE!" she cried, throwing her arms around him.
This was actually too much for the yoga teacher, who gave up, packed up, and left.
"Dude, this sucks."
"You're telling me."
Harvey and the Joker were sitting in their cell, each on their respective beds. The Joker had just been released from shock therapy, but they had refused to do anything to him. Apparently, you needed a doctor's note to be shocked. Which was a surprise to the Joker. He would have thought that if the biggest criminal threat in all of Gotham wandered into the shock room, asking them to erase all of the thoughts in his mind, they would have done it for him.
But no.
"I just never thought she'd actually leave." The Joker sighed, shrugging.
"Ivy called me a jerk." Harvey said thoughtfully. "Am I really a jerk?"
"Honestly? Yes, yes you are."
"Humph."
"But it doesn't matter." The Joker said, sitting up straight. "Because we're gonna get them back."
"The hell we are." Harvey said, slamming his fist on his bed. "Who are we kidding? WE SUCK! Look at us! We're JERKS! I'm an asshole, you're an asshole…and Crane and Nigma…they're sensitive! We just can't compete man! Give it up! IT'S HOPELESS!"
"Get a GRIP, Harvey!" the Joker yelled, shaking his friend by the shoulders. "Get your god damned HEAD IN THE GAME! We are two competent, strong, and (mostly) intelligent and attractive super villains! WE CAN WIN THEM BACK!"
"Okay." He sniffed.
"Are you with me?"
"I am."
"I said ARE YOU WITH ME?"
"YEAH!" he yelled, standing up. "LET'S WIN THEM CHICKS BACK!"
High fiving, they sat down and began their plan…