Hello! I know, it's been a REALLY LONG TIME since I've added a new chapter, but I finally wrote one yesterday, so here it is! Fresh out of my brain for your enjoyment. The reason it's been taking me so long is I'm trying to write an actual novel with characters out of my own brain instead of the ones who bore Batman...so yeah. But that aside, here is the latest chapter, hope you enjoy!
"Maybe I'll say and maybe I won't." Harley Quinn quipped in a sing song voice. Both the Joker and the Riddler scowled, shooting dark glances at each other.
Everyone was in their cell, getting ready to face the wonder of the day. The cell the Joker shared with Harvey Dent was adjacent to the cell the Riddler and Jonathon Crane, the Scarecrow shared. Across the hallway was Harley and Poison Ivy.
"Harley..." the Joker said, his teeth clenched. "It's been two weeks. You need to make up your mind already."
"There's no rush, dear." The Riddler said in a voice that was almost a little TOO calm. "Just take your time. I can't imagine what a riddle this whole thing must be."
"Earth to stupid. Not everything is a riddle." the Joker growled.
"Ah, but this is!" he exclaimed, standing up, holding up a finger. "To choose between two loves is the greatest challenge of all!"
"She doesn't love you."
"Hey, you let me talk for myself." Harley pouted. "And I love you both, in your own special ways."
"That doesn't even make sense." the Joker muttered.
"Then could you say it's a..."
"Shut up."
"Done."
"Have you heard?" Crane asked excitedly, poking his head through the bars to join the conversation. "We have improv class today!"
"What?" Harvey yelled, also sticking his head through the bars. "That's idiotic."
"Not as idiotic as you." Ivy retorted, sticking her tongue out at him. Harvey growled.
"No luck yet?" the Joker muttered. He shook his head morosely. That is, he shook it as much as he could manage, what with his head being between the bars and all.
"I'm pretty sure she loathes me. Do you have any suggestions?"
"Ivy has loathed me for years." he replied, patting him on the back. "Can't help you there."
"Figures." he muttered.
"I'm excited for improv." Harley said mildly. "When I was in high school..."
"Let me guess." Crane sighed. "You were marvelous and everyone loved you and whatever it was that you did."
"...Yeah!" she said, nodding. "That's true. But that's not what I was going to say. What I was GOING to say was that when I was in high school, these two boys fought over me constantly, and they..."
"Just a question. What does this have to do with improv?" Ivy asked, raising an eyebrow.
"It doesn't. But it DOES pertain to what's happening now. What with two boys fighting over me..."
"You know what this is Riddler?" the Joker interrupted, looking at him. "This is just another one of your feeble attempts at competition with me. I become the Joker, you become the Riddler, which is the EXACT same idea..."
"It is not!" he replied hotly. "I became the Riddler as a symbol of my inner psychosis! My mind is one huge riddle, and being the Riddler is me attempting to figure myself out! And besides, riddles and jokes are nothing alike. Riddles challenge the mind, they ask deep questions, they make you look inside of yourself. Jokes are just dumb."
"Jokes are MY way of unleashing hate and fear among the people of Gotham." the Joker snapped back. "They aren't STUPID. Harvey, back me up here."
"I have recorded every dumb riddle you have ever said." Harvey nodded, pulling a notebook out of his pocket. "Last month, on the twenty third, approximately 3:15 in the afternoon, you said 'What do you get when you brush your teeth and play the tuba at the same time?'. And your answer to this was 'a piccolo'."
"The great question of life, do we judge based on who we are now, or what we were in the past?"
"I'd punch if you weren't so far away."
"Hello everyone!" a nurse said cheerily, walking into the hallway. "Are you all excited for improv?"
Crane and Ivy both nodded enthusiastically, but everyone else was mostly indifferent. The nurse came around and unlocked the bars, and everyone slid their heads out of said bars.
That is- except for Harvey.
"Come on, you big lug" the Joker said, stepping out of the cell. "We have to go partake in another group activity."
"Right behind you," he grunted, his face extremely red. The Joker paused. The other villains started to gather around the cell.
"Mr. Dent? We really must be going now." the nurse said. "Please come with us."
"I said I was right behind you!" he snapped, grunting again. The Joker started to laugh.
"Is your head STUCK?"
"No!" he said defensively. "I'm just really comfortable here."
"You are! You are stuck!" the Joker cried gleefully, kneeling beside his head. "I always knew you were BIG HEADED!"
"Oh Mistah J, you're too funny!" Harley cooed, stroking his arm. The Riddler noticed this.
"Yeah? Well riddle me this! What do you get when you mix a big dumbhead and cell bars?"
"You know what Riddler? I like where this is going." Ivy grinned, looking at Harvey, who was helplessly trapped in the iron bars.
"I'll go get the manager." the nurse sighed, walking away.
"Try and turn your head sideways." Harley offered helpfully. Harvey obliged, and turned his head sideways, but the fact still stood that his head was just too big to pull back through.
"It hurts!" he cried, distraught. "This side of my face is extremely susceptible to pain!"
"You got your head in there, you can get it back out." Crane said matter-of-factly. "It just needs a bit of lubricant is all."
"Oh, I have..."
"Harley, quiet." the Joker snapped quickly.
At this time, the nurse came back, accompanied with two other nurses. One was holding a jar of Vaseline, the other, some butter.
"Butter is so fattening." he grumbled morosely. "I have a figure to keep up."
"Tell me about it!" Harley agreed, sighing. "The cafeteria food here is so awful."
The nurse began smearing butter and vaseline on his face, both sides of it. Harvey kept his limps clamped shut.
Ivy looked at him, and looked at the distress etched on his face. Her hard expression melted just a little bit, but she still refused to give in.
"Okay Mr. Dent, try it now."
He pulled, but still felt some resistance, so he stopped.
"I can't!" he moaned. The nurses exchanged exasperated looks. After muttering to each other, one of the nurses nodded and walked away.
"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!" Harvey yelled.
"We're going to go on to your scheduled group activity," another nurse said to the group. "Mr. Dent will join you once he's been freed."
Ivy shot one last glance back at Harvey before they walked away.
They gathered in the multipurpose room with the nurse who had ushered them there.
"Are you ready for some improv?" she asked excitedly, clapping her hands together. Harley, Crane, and Ivy all nodded enthusiastically. The Joker and the Riddler just glared at each other.
"I'm gonna punch you so hard..." the Joker growled in a low voice.
"Not if I punch you first."
"You've never punched anyone."
"I'll start with you."
"Try me."
"Mr. Joker, Mr. Nigma, please." the nurse said. "Now, other nurses have said that you're a very difficult group to work with, that you always end up yelling at each other, and someone always gets sent to shock therapy, but I think that deep down, you're all a bunch of calm, reasonable individuals."
The Joker burst into laughter.
"I must say, I agree." Crane nodded. "But I think we should get as far as we can today without bursting into chaos, because improv is an excellent way to express oneself."
"Excellent suggested, Mr. Crane!" the nurse smiled. "Okay. For our first exercise, we are going to do scene building. I want you to all line up beside that wall. The first person in the line will pose as an object, such as a bench, the sun, a fountain...and the rest of you will also make poses, creating a scene. Does that make sense?"
"I love this exercise." Harley clapped.
"I want to go first." the Joker said, raising his hand.
"Excellent!" the nurse praised. The Joker volunteering to go first? Perhaps this was a breakthrough for him.
The Joker stretched for a few seconds, and then walked to the middle of the room, and with his fingers, stretched the corners of his red lips and pulled them far apart, sticking his tongue out, crossing his eyes.
"What are you, exactly?" the nurse asked, frowing.
He sighed.
"I'm the Batman, obviously."
Harley, who was next in line, squealed and ran into the scene, raising an imaginary hammer to 'Batman's' head.
"And I'm gonna smack him!" she cried happily.
"I'm the police, arresting him." Crane offered, wrapping his hands around the Joker's wrists like handcuffs.
"And I'M punching him in the face!" the Riddler yelled, doing exactly that.
"HEY!" the Joker yelled, dropping his pose. "You can't do that!"
"This isn't what I had in mind..." the teacher frowned. "I was expecting a zoo scene. Or a park scene."
"Really?" the Riddler asked, raising an eyebrow. "Then you don't know us very well, lady."
At this moment, Harvey reentered the room, looking rather sullen. His face (the normal side, that is) was extremely red.
Ivy's face at this point was one of sheer pity.
"We're gonna need a new cell." he grumbled to the Joker.
"Why?"
"They had to saw me out."
The Joker bit his lip to refrain from laughing.
"Excellent, you can join us in the activities!" the nurse said happily. Harvey reached into his pocket, and his expression went from one of irritation to anger to great distress.
"Is...something the matter, Mr. Dent?" the nurse asked.
"I can't find it. It's gone. It's not here. Oh my god, oh my god, IT'S NOT HERE!"
Harvey dropped to all fours and started patting the ground frantically?
"Are you okay?" the Joker asked, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, apart from the diagnosed insanity."
"My coin, my coin..." he moaned. "I don't have it!"
"I'm sure it's around somewhere," Ivy offered. He only scowled.
"You don't understand. I NEED that coin to make my decisions. And I'm sorry, but without it, I can't participate in the activities."
"It's required that you do so." the nurse said firmly. "Can Harley and the Joker please come up?"
They did so.
"We're partners." Harley smiled. The Joker fought the urge to scowl, because while Harley annoyed him, he couldn't lose her to the Riddler. He just couldn't.
"Okay, here is your scenario. You're married." she paused to let Harley squeal in delight, and then continued. "Harley, you want to paint the living room red, but the Joker has painted it a different color. Go!"
"Well, that's boring." the Joker muttered.
"I see you painted the living room!" Harley began, skipping up to the Joker.
"Oh yes. I have painted it. Isn't it ever so lovely?"
"You such at acting." Crane muttered. The Joker shot him a glare, and he fell silent.
"But I wanted it painted red!" Harley pouted. "You painted it purple."
"Purple is a royal color." he said, crossing his arms.
"Purple is gay!" Harvey yelled. The Joker gave him the finger.
"But I expressly asked for it in red!" Harley pressed.
"Um...the store didn't have red?"
"This room sucks!" she yells. "I HATE IT!"
And she ran out of the room, crying. The Joker looked perplexed.
"I am confused in so many ways right now."
Harley then reentered the room and bowed. There was a faint, unsure applause as she took her seat. The Joker shrugged it off and sat down too.
"Good job guys! Now can I have...Mr. Nigma and Mr. Dent?"
"I can't do..."
"This isn't a request." she said sweetly. "It's an order. Now come to the front of the room."
They both obliged and shuffled up to the front of the room.
"Here is your scenario. Mr. Dent, you are Mr. Nigma's doctor. He is convinced that there is something wrong with him, but there really isn't."
"I don't agree with this scenario." Harvey interjected. "There is something very wrong with him."
"That's why it's called acting." The Riddler said. "Now let's do this!"
"Fine." he grumbled.
"Doctor, I KNOW there's something wrong with me." he began, wringing his hands together. "I just know it! Tell it to me straight. What is it? Strep throat? Cancer? SWINE FLU?"
"There is nothing wrong with you." Harvey said flatly. "You are perfectly healthy. A little insane, perhaps, but other than that, you are fine."
"That's not true." he insisted, shaking his head. "I just know I'm sick. The other day, I had an itch on my arm, and I looked it up on Web MD, and it told me I had measles. Can you write me a prescription for measles?"
"You don't have measles."
"Oh, I knew it." he moaned. "I have whooping cough. How long do I have to live?"
"No one gets whooping cough anymore, idiot." Harvey grumbled. "It's not the fourteen hundreds."
"But what is life but one big case of the whooping cough?" he pressed. "Riddle me this- when you fall down a cliff and get the whooping cough, but you don't..."
"I'm gonna stop you there." Harvey interrupted, holding up a hand. "Because you are THIS close to getting punched in the face. Now. If you look at your chart, you can clearly see..."
"I knew it." he said, running his hands through his hair. "Tuberculosis. I've been coughing up blood. I choked on some kool-aid, and I coughed up blood."
"To be fair, I think you coughed up kook-aid."
"No, it was blood." he insisted. "My blood tastes like cherry."
Harvey blinked.
"You know what? You're right. You DO have a problem."
"Is it AIDS?"
"No."
"SUPER AIDS?"
"There's no such thing as Super AIDS!" Harvey yelled. "YOU'RE AN IDIOT."
"I could say the same thing about you, my good sir." he sniffed, crossing his arms. "Coming in here and telling me I'm healthy, how dare you.."
"Okay guys, good!" the nurse said, clapping. "You may sit back down."
But the Riddler continued to look nervous and sat back down. Harvey, still rather distressed about his coin, sat down, still searching his pockets.
"Mr. Crane and Ms. Isley, it's your turn." the nurse said. They both smiled and stood up. "You scenario- you are both dating, but one of you is breaking up with the other. Go."
"I don't want to break up with Ivy!" Crane said, looking at the nurse. "Even for the sake of theater!"
"Then I'll do it." she said. "Darling, we need to talk."
"Hypothetically talk?"
"Yes. Hypothetically." she said, rolling her eyes. "Get into character."
"Right. Um, what about, my dear?"
"I just don't think this can work anymore." Ivy said, taking his hand. Worry sunk into his face.
"But why?"
"I...I love someone else." she said dramatically, forcing a tear to appear in one of her green eyes. "I'm so sorry."
"But how will I go on?" he cried, equally dramatically. "I need you like I have needed no one else!"
"You don't need me." she whispered. "I'm not good for you."
"You're everything to me!"
"But you aren't everything to me." she said quietly, letting go of his hand.
There was silence.
Then the nurse burst into applause.
"Terrific! Tremendous! Excellent job!"
"I must say," Crane said, laughing. "You are very convincing. For I second, I thought maybe you were really..."
"I was."
"...what?"
"I'm a free spirit." she told him. "I can't be attached to anyone."
"But...Ivy..."
"YES!" Harvey yelled, pumping his fist in the air. "I WIN!"
"I'm not coming back to you," she said, frowning.
"But you said you loved..."
"Oh, that was acting. The rest was real."
"Damn."
"So what can we learn from this?" the nurse asked, moving along. "What can we learn from improv?" Harley raised her hand.
"How to become famous?"
"Well, maybe, but what else?"
"How to work with others, how to cooperate, how to read other people." Crane muttered, looking extremely put out. "Whatever else you want to hear."
"Do I have super AIDS?" The Riddler asked, raising his hand.
"There is NO SUCH THING!" the Joker yelled, but Harley was looking at him with concern.
"I've made my decision." she said finally. The Joker and the Riddler both snapped around to look at her.
"What is it?"
"Eddie, I'm sorry, but I can't date someone with super AIDS."
"THERE'S NO...never mind. Very good Harley." the Joker grinned.
"So I pick Mistah J." she said smugly, wrapping her arms around him. "He's all I ever really needed."
"That was the most predictable choice EVER." Harvey put in.
"Well, excuse me!" she said, sticking her tongue out at him. "I happen to love Mistah J with all of my heart. And I always have. I don't know I ever could have doubted you, puddin'."
"It was because I slapped you."
"...Apart from that." she said, shaking her head.
"Well, good job today, you guys!" the nurse said. "Next week, you'll all be partaking in an aerobics class, don't forget."
"Finally, they've decided to tell us ahead of time." Harvey scowled.
And the dysfunctional group of villains all went back to their respective cells. That is, apart from Harvey and the Joker. See, there were no more cells left, so they were spilt up and put in other cells. Harvey was put in the Riddler and Crane's cell, where ha and Crane both mourned the unobtainable nature of Poison Ivy. The Joker was moved to another floor, where he was placed with a schizophrenic and his verbally abusive "friend".
The joker had never been so sad in the event of Harvey's absence.
As always, thank you so much for reading, and I hope you review (please review, it keeps me motivated to write more). And remember, no matter how long it takes me, I will write more. Promise.