Yay, here's another chapter. Sorry it takes me forever to update :( I try, I really do.
All of that aside- I have OFFICIALLY run out of ideas. So, if you have any more ideas for what these lovely villains can do during their time at Arkham, by all means, tell me what they are and I will do them. Because I've got nothing. I really want to continue the story, and I'm going to try and force something else out of my mind, but if you have something you really want to see happen, then tell me. I'll absolutely put it in (as long as it's not TOTALLY ridiculous. As you can tell, most ridiculousness is appreciated).
That said, thank you for all of the lovely reviews. I love each and every one of you. So here is Arkham Aerobics.
"So when is someone going to tell me what aerobics is?" Harvey asked grumpily as the six inmates made their way to the Arkham gym. "Because I still don't know."
"Can you get any dumber?" the Joker sighed.
"Probably. But seriously. What is it?"
"It's basically just exercisin'," Harley cut in. "It's directed at improvin' your heart and lungs."
"And how is that supposed to make us not crazy?" he grumbled. Harley shrugged.
"It works on the heart," she said thoughtfully. "Maybe it's supposed to make us nice?"
"You know that's not how the heart works." Crane said seriously. "The heart is nothing more than a four chambered vessel that pumps blood and oxygen through your veins and arteries, it has nothing to do with feelings."
"Shows what you know." Harley said defensively, crossing her arms.
"Is that what they teach you at Harvard?" he pressed, raising an eyebrow. Harley only scowled.
"Yeah? What college did you go to, smarty pants?"
"...Harvard."
"Then you can't say nothin'."
As they entered the gym, a nurse was waiting for them- a towel around her waist. She was also in a bathing suit.
Harvey gagged.
"That's is not a pretty sight."
"I second that." the Joker agreed.
"I don't even have a riddle for this." Nigma said, frowning. "But I do have a question- why has this image engraved itself upon so cruelly on my eyes?"
"Heads it's because we're being tortured today, tails it's we have to go swimming." Harvey offered.
"Can it be both?"
"Nah, I left my three sided coin at home. OF COURSE IT CAN BE BOTH!"
"No need to get all 'yelly'." the Riddler sniffed. Harvey rolled his eyes.
"Okay, what's the deal?" Ivy asked, crossing her arms. "I thought this was aerobics, not a beauty pageant for the aesthetically challenged."
"This IS aerobics." the nurse said, clapping her hands together once. "Water aerobics! I thought they told you that?"
The six villains shook their heads. The nurse shrugged.
"Well, you know now. In any case...follow me to the pool!"
"We don't have bathing suits." Crane pointed out. "And I'm not getting my clothes all wet. We're only allowed to do laundry every week, and SOMEONE..." he glared directly at the Riddler, "soiled all of my clothes while trying to bake cookies in our cell with a magnifying glass and sunlight."
"It almost worked!" he yelled back at him. "I didn't have any baking soda."
"Yes, THAT was the only problem." Crane grumbled.
"No worries," the nurse said, gesturing for them to follow her, which they did. "There are plenty of extra bathing suits in storage."
"I don't like the sound of that." the Joker grumbled as they were all ushered into the pool room.
Nobody knew why there was a pool in Arkham. It seemed like an odd thing to have in an insane asylum...but there it was, relatively nice, compared to the rest of the building.
The nurse disappeared for a minute or two, in which the inmates looked at each other curiously.
"I hope mine's pink." Harley said, rocking back and forth on her feet. "I don't look real good in sea-foam green."
She was, of course, referring to the color of the Arkham uniforms.
The Riddler was looking quite uneasy. Harvey, on the other hand, was absolutely beside himself.
"I hope you all ordered your tickets to the gun show..." he said, smirking. Everyone rolled their eyes simultaneously.
"I'm not comfortable with this..." the Riddler said as the nurse dragged a box into their cluster. "I'd feel more comfortable staying out of the water..."
"Oh, come on." Harley said, diving into the box. "These suits aren't all bad. Here Mistah J, I found one for you..."
"I am NOT wearing a speedo."
"I'LL WEAR IT!" Harvey yelled, shoving everyone aside.
"NO!" everyone chorused.
"Save us the torture." Crane said scathingly, rolling his eyes. In his hands was a rather large pair of swim trunks. "Just put on a normal bathing suit like everyone else."
"Ah, but why is it called a bathing suit?" the Riddler inquired. "For can't one not argue that...wait...one can't not...can't one...is it not that once cannot..."
"Oh, can it." the Joker sighed. "No one cares."
"Well think about a birthday suit." Harley said reasonably. "That's like, the opposite of a suit."
"I'll wear that!" Harvey suggested. No one said anything, but they all shot him glares and he fell silent.
"Okay, has everybody got a bathing suit?"
The results were quite hilarious.
Crane's swim trunks were far too large for his spindly waist, so he had to clutch them at all times to ensure that they wouldn't drop to his ankles. Harvey was standing morosely, subdued by his utterly mundane swimwear. The Riddler's bathing suit was slightly too small for him, but other than that, it was quite normal. Of course, everyone was ogling at Harley, who had managed to find a rather...small bikini in the bin. Ivy was scowling, her arms crossed tightly around her one piece clad body. It was clear that she was extremely dissatisfied.
But the inmate who was the most dissatisfied was easily the Joker.
For he was stuck with the speedo.
"I don't like this."
"Aw, I think you look cute." Harley said, patting him on the arm. "Now come on. Let's jump in the water."
"I don't like the water." The Riddler said, hovering over the edge of the pool. Harvey, convinced that he was being stealthy, crept up behind him.
"I HEAR you back there!" the Riddler yelled.
"So?"
And he pushed him in. Nigma's arms windmilled around him in a vain attempt to stop his swift plummet towards the water, but it was to no avail. Instead of curling up like he should have done, he flattened out and fell parallel to the water.
Even Harvey winced as he slapped onto the surface of the water, breaking the surface. He plummeted to the bottom for a few seconds before rising to the surface like a boy, spluttering.
"OW!" he yelled.
"Dude." the Joker commented flatly, sticking a toe into the water. "Harsh."
"Oh, come on." Harvey sighed, trying to convince himself to slip into the water. "It can't be as bad a punch to the face."
"No, it's like getting your whole BODY punched!" the Riddler yelled hotly, slamming his fist for effect. Of course, the only result was a minor splash of water which hit nobody.
"CANNONBALL!" Harley then yelled, leaping into the air. She curled up in a ball, and then crashed into the pool, creating a reasonably sized splash for her stature.
"Everybody, please follow Mr. Nigma and Ms. Quinn into the pool," the nurse chirped, opting for the steps instead of the Harley Quinn approach.
But Harvey was not so convinced.
"It's cold."
"Mr. Dent, please get in the water."
"Damn, where's my COIN?" he yelled, patting his swim trunks.
"It's a bathing suit." the Joker sighed. "It has no pockets."
Harvey then dashed over to his pants, which were wadded up in a pile of everyone else's clothes. He started to throw various garments aside in a frantic search for his own pants.
And somehow during this process, a pink bra flew through the air and landed on Crane's head.
The Joker started cracking up as Crane stared up at the strap dangling over his nose. He squinted, as if unsure as to how to react to it.
"STOP LAUGHING!" he shrieked at the Joker. "At least I'm not wearing a speedo!"
"I laugh at funny things." he said defensively, crossing his arms. "And the bra on your head is the light in my dark, speedo filled life."
Crane then turned his attention to Harvey.
"Harvey..." he sighed, lifting the bra off his head with a thumb and an index finger, "Be careful where you throw your unmentionables."
"Dude, that ain't mine." he scowled, grabbing it out of Crane's hand. "It is now. But it wasn't five minutes ago."
"Mistah J, make em put it down." Harley called from the pool.
Both Harvey and Crane froze, as their heads turned slowly towards the Joker, who smirked.
"I love a good excuse." he grinned, unleashing his fist in the faces of the two wide eyed men.
"Ow."
"Ow."
"Mr. Joker! Please! Now get in the pool." the nurse snapped.
"If you get it, it'll be harder to see your speedo." Harley added helpfully. And within seconds, the Joker was in the water.
After about five minutes of solid effort, Crane, Harvey, and Ivy were also in the water. Crane was standing in the shallow end rather uncomfortably.
"Hey Jonny, why don't ya join us in the deep end?" Harley asked, swimming lazily on her back.
"It's too cold." he said quickly. "I have an inefficient circulatory system, causing my body temperature to drop severlely when..."
"You can't swim, can you?" the Riddler asked.
"No."
"You're six and a half feet tall." Ivy said flatly. "You can stand up all the way."
"If you say so." he sniffed, making his way back over to the group.
"Are you all ready for aerobics?" the nurse said cheerily, clapping her hands.
"Woo!" Harley clapped, splashing the Joker cheerfully in the face. He spluttered and wiped off his face.
He gave a short laugh and splashed her back. This, of course, resulted in an all out splash war between Harley and the Joker, the Riddler joining in so he could feel included. Ivy sighed, soaking her long red hair in the water. Harvey was busy shielding his face from the water.
"No, I hate being wet!" he cried. "You'll mess up my hair!"
So, of course, everyone turned and set a huge splash wave his way.
Once Harvey was successfully doused with water, the nurse felt it was time to start.
"Okay everyone! To warm up, I want you to take these balls and raise them above your heads."
"Do we need to be in water for this?" Crane asked, raising his hand. "Because someone here, and I'm not going to say WHO, has a fear of water."
"That's you, Crane!" the Riddler said helpfully.
"NO IT'S NOT!" he yelled defensively. "It's...Harley."
"Ain't so, Jonny." she sniffed. "You know I was on the Harvard swim team."
"Harvard has a swim team?" Ivy asked curiously. "I thought you were all just...smart and boring."
"Not true." Harley said, lifting the ball over her head like the nurse had instructed. "We had an awesome swim team. Didn't we, Jonny?"
"I suppose." he shrugged. "I was more into my studies. I wasn't into such frivolities."
"Missed out." she smirked. "It was a real good time. Mistah J, you shoulda seen me. I was the best on the whole team..."
"How does that surprise anyone?" Harvey grumbled. "Aren't you just better than everyone else at everything?"
"No." she said with wide eyes. "I'm not good at stuff like you guys are. I don't got brute force, nor am I indimitatin', I ain't confusin', and I ain't got those pheromone things."
"What a riddle." Nigma sighed happily.
"How...how? How is that a riddle?" the Joker asked, turning to him.
"Ah, my good sir, you ask an interesting question. A RIDDLE- if you will! You are asking the solution to a riddle by asking a riddle, which poses another riddle...if when you ask a riddle and..."
Harvey grabbed the back of his head and shoved his face underneath the water. Bubbles formed around him as he struggled to break free of Harvey's grasp.
"Mr. Dent! Release Mr. Nigma at once!" the nurse snapped.
"But the coin told me I could drown him." he scowled, releasing him. "I'll have to make it up to him again, and he really demands a lot from me."
"He?" Ivy asked skeptically, turning to him. "Your coin has a gender?"
"Well yeah." he shrugged. "It's got some dude's face on it."
"Some dude..." Crane sighed. The Riddler patted his shoulder.
"Just ignore him."
"Okay everyone, get in a line." the nurse said. "Mr. Dent, please separate yourself from Mr. Nigma. I don't want any drownings in this session."
"Wouldn't be the worst thing to happen," Harvey muttered, but he obliged and shuffled to the end of the line.
"Now just do what I do." the nurse said, prepping herself. "Ready? Okay! Step forward, step back. Step side side, forward side, back forward and JAZZ HANDS!"
"I don't do jazz hands." Crane sniffed, crossing his arms.
"Aw, come on Jonny." Harley said cheerfully. "Have a little fun. Step step, side backwards, spin around, do a flip, and JAZZ HANDS!"
"Very good Harley!" the nurse clapped. "You would do well to learn from her, Mr. Crane."
Crane said nothing, but grumbled slightly as he stretched out his long fingers and attempted to shake them in a way that resembled jazz hands.
The Joker giggled at the sight of him.
"Now back back, forward step! Turn turn, arms arms, shimmy shimmy JAZZ HANDS!"
"I might do a lot of dumb things." the Riddler said. "But Edward Nigma does not shimmy."
"HARVEY DENT DOES!" Harvey yelled, shimmying up behind Ivy. "Come on babe, feel the groove..."
"Get back to your end of the line!" she screeched, slapping him away.
"Well, I'm at the end of MY line!" the Riddler said with a giant grin on his face. "How was that? Wasn't that awesome? Hey Joker, did you like my pun? Wasn't it..."
"Please stop. Please just stop." the Joker groaned. "No one likes your puns."
"Does that mean I should stick with riddles?"
"You do whatever you want, Nigma." Ivy sighed, wringing water out of her hopelessly wet hair. "It's not like they can stop you."
"Oh. We could." the Joker said quite seriously.
"Do you want us to try?" Harvey growled. The Riddler shook his head furtively.
"Now on to our next set of moves." the nurse said. "It's going to get a little more complicated..."
Harvey raised his hand.
"Yes, Harvey?"
"I don't think my mind will be able to handle the complexity of the moves." he said. "Can I go back to my cell now? I look like a raisin."
"No, I'm afraid you have to stay here until time is up."
"MAN!" he yelled in frustration, slapping his hand against the water. It hit the Joker in the face, and he scowled.
"Watch who you're splashing, Two Face." he grumbled, splashing him back.
"Do we need to go over this again?" Ivy sighed.
"Maybe YOU should watch where YOU'RE splashing!" Harvey yelled back, splashing him again. Now both entirely sopping wet, they threw themselves at each other and became a blur of fists and screams.
"GET YOUR NASTY CLOWN FACE AWAY FROM ME!" Harvey shrieked as the Joker slapped him repeatedly in the face.
"GET YOUR UGLY BURNT FACE AWAY FROM ME THEN!" the Joker roared back. The Riddler, who didn't want to get caught up in the conflict, swam away from them and climbed up out of the pool.
Crane was eyeing them both with interest.
"They're friends, and yet they fight..." he wondered aloud. "Interesting."
"It ain't interestin'!" Harley said, her hands on her face. "It's terrifyin'! GET HIM IN THE FACE AGAIN, MISTAH J!"
"This'll show you..." the Joker growled, raising his hand again. Harvey's eyes widened as he saw what was around the Joker's finger.
"NO, DON'T..." everyone yelled simultaneously, but it was too late.
The joy-buzzer had already slapped the water.
When Harvey opened his eyes, he knew instantly where he was. But why he was in the hospital of Arkham, he wasn't sure.
He looked to his right, and saw Harley, and he looked to his left, where he saw the Ivy. Beyond her, he could also see the still bodies of Crane and the Joker.
Odd.
"How are you feeling, Mr. Dent?" a nurse asked. She was holding a clipboard.
"Okay, I guess." he muttered, rubbing his head. "I have a bit of a headache."
"You're lucky you aren't dead." she said, feeling his temperature. "That electrical shock nearly killed all of you."
"Oh..." he said, remembering. "Stupid Clown Face."
"Yes, he will be punished for this." she said mildly. "It's lucky for all of you that Edward was there."
"Who the hell is Edward?"
"Nigma. Edward Nigma." the nurse sighed, rolling her eyes. "The Riddler?"
"Oh, that guy. Why?"
"He pulled you all out of the pool before the electricity could reach your heart. He saved all of you."
"Why didn't he get shocked?"
"That..." the Riddler said, emerging from behind the nurse. "Is the greatest riddle of all."
"Seriously. Why didn't you get shocked?"
"I wasn't in the pool, remember?" he said. "I had got out to avoid the conflict. So I wasn't in the water when it was full of electricity."
"Oh." Harvey said. He then looked around rather awkwardly.
"It's okay." the Riddler beamed. "You don't have to thank me. I know you're thinking it."
Patting Harvey once on the head, he waltzed out, humming smugly to himself. The nurse gave Harvey an appraising look as he scowled.
"The man saved your life, and you can't thank him." she sighed. "Well, you'll be here for a few more days, I suggest you go back to sleep to pass the time."
As she walked out of the room, Harvey put his head back down on the pillow, thinking about how the Riddler, that horrible little man, the villain he picked on most of all, the person who was the bane of his existence...had saved his life.
Ideas! I love them all! I need them all! Keep AC going! 3